A Scapegoat We Can All Hate Together

Good news, everyone! Thanks to a tip from my friend, Keith, I have found someone to blame for the Tigers loss to the Rangers in the ALCS. Someone that we can ALL get behind in our blind hatred.

Much like 99% of things that have gone wrong in my life, I can now easily blame this season's postseason woes on one man...Randy Smith. Yes, THAT Randy Smith. Rat commie bastard...

How so?  Remember 1999's big trade that brought Juan Gonzalez to Detroit? Who could forget? Well, one of the young players Randy Smith dealt to Texas to get his prized slugger JuanGone was Francisco Cordero. In 2006, Cordero was then dealt to Milwaukee with two other players for Carlos Lee and...NELSON CRUZ! The same shaved gorilla man that just slaughtered us in the playoffs!

The Ghost of Randy Smith continues to HAUNT US ALL years later! Someone kill him with fire...

Tip 'o' the cap to the article Keith pointed out to me by Evan Grant.

Game Over. Season Over.

So yeah…it’s over.

You can blame bad weather, if you want. Maybe crap all over the poor umpiring that always seemed to go against the Tigers…there was plenty of that. Perhaps you want to blame the dreaded injury bug. And many will turn their least favorite Tiger into a scapegoat. Go right ahead.

But don’t do it here. Please take that to other blogs.



Quite simply, the Texas Rangers were the better team. Better hitters, better defense, better speed, and much better bullpen. The Tigers showed guts taking this to six games. They’re a tough bunch and no one can dispute that. They gave us quite the show this year. But that doesn’t make this hurt any less.

This is my 26th season watching Tigers baseball. And this one hurts the most. ’87 ended on a downer, but I was just a kid. ’03 was comically bad, but there were no expectations. ’06 was fun and came out of nowhere, so I wasn’t devastated by the World Series outcome. And ’09 was a heartbreaker with Game 163 and all.

But this year? Probably due to my increased activity with this blog, I’ve never been more obsessed with a baseball season. I think “obsessed” is the word I want there. Living and dying with the Tigers score, over-analyzing every move, constantly thinking about the game…I’ve done all that more this year than any other. So yeah, this sucks. It sounds stupid, but I kind of feel like someone close to me died. Maybe I’m just a baby. Bite me.

But the future is bright, my friends. Verlander, Fister, Cabrera, Avila, V-Mart and the rest aren’t going anywhere. Dave Dombrowski will make moves to improve the team. There will be baseball in Detroit in 2012. And we have a lot to be excited about. Most fanbases would kill to be where we are as a franchise right now. And hey, I can finally shave my stupid playoff beard! These damn squirrels will just have to find somewhere else to live.

So, as I sit here typing this up, still sad and pissed at the same time, I feel the need to dish out a couple bits ‘o’ thanks for the ’11 season.

Thank you to Justin Verlander for being a cyborg and becoming the best pitcher in all of baseball. At least during the regular season. Heh…

Thank you to Miguel Cabrera for silencing his critics with another borderline MVP season at the plate. I am honored to have you on my team, Big Mig.

Thanks to Victor Martinez for choosing to come to Detroit and showing us all what a real professional hitter looks like. Boomstick…shop smart. Shop V-Mart.

Thank you to Doug Fister for teaching me to respect The Dougie. And Fisting.

Thanks to David Dombrowski for bringing us Doug Fister.

Thank you to Don Kelly for being such a great comic foil for this blog. As I’ve said before, I have nothing but respect for Donnie as there’s no one in baseball that gives maximum effort on every play like he seems to do. My only problems with Kelly have been in how Jim Leyland uses him. Deep down, I enjoy having Kelly on the team. Don’t tell anyone I said that…

Thanks to Jose Valverde for teaching us all how to laugh, to dance, and how to be perfect in saving games.

Thank you to Brandon Inge for showing more class than he needed to this year, but still did. Of all seasons, the one where Inge pulls a Mendoza and gets DFA’d…I finally became a bit of a fan of his. I’m sure that will quickly change in 2012, but oh well.

There’s not enough thanks in the world for Alex Avila and the amount of pain he went through this year trying to help the team win. Titanium catcher, indeed.

Thanks to my favorite Tiger, Magglio Ordonez, for giving us one more year when it was clear that he was hurting most of the time. It was sad to see it end the way it did.

And thanks to Jim Leyland for making me love him to death, or hate him with the heat of a thousand suns, depending on the day.
Thanks to all of the Detroit Tigers for giving it everything they had this season. I’m proud to be a Tiger fan and am counting the days until Spring Training. And no…I will not be watching the World Series this year. But, go Cards/Brewers.



Oh yeah…

Thanks to each one of you reading this blog. Like me, love me, hate me, whatever. Seriously, I appreciate it.

This little poop joke blog that was started to amuse myself and a few of my friends grew a lot this year. I’m amazed at the amount of reaction DNR has received this season. Whether it’s through my friends at Bless You Boys, mLive, or other Tiger blogs…if it’s through word of mouth from people that somehow stumbled across DNR…or if it’s through the Twitter account I started this year (kicking and screaming)...WHATEVER the reason, I’m happy you all joined me on this goofy ride through the 2011 Detroit Tigers season. It’s truly been a pleasure reading your comments on my stuff, making friends with some of you, and even hearing from some in the Tigers organization. It’s been a blast this year to attempt to entertain you.

And I hope you keep stopping by in the offseason. I know that’s the time when many of you go back to using the internet for its intended purpose…porn. But after you’re done wanking it to the amputee midget fisting pics, stop by and say hi to your old buddy Rogo. It won’t be every day like it has been the past few months, but I plan on updating this site through the offseason 3-4 times a week. After all, there’s ALWAYS something to make fun of when it concerns the Tigers. And I anticipate there were be PLENTY of poor stuff written about the Tigers in the next week or two for me to make dick jokes at. Simonson, I’m looking at you, you twit. Don’t disappoint me.

Again, I thank you and wish you all well this winter. Hold your heads high, Tiger fans. It could be worse.

We could be Indians fans.

/shudders

Take care. I’m gonna go drink until I don’t feel feelings anymore.

Brain Farts from @PhilCokesBrain, Vol 4: Playoff Edition

How can last night's victory over Texas get better? Easy...a submission from everyone's favorite Twitter portal into the mind of last night's closing pitcher, @PhilCokesBrain.

Be sure to follow @Phil, but don't ask him for autographs. He's a very busy brain.


Wow, what a big night for your favorite ginger! With Joaquin and Jose completely spent we all knew who was going to get the call. That's right, Justin for about 150 pitches.

Well, Skip defied wisdom and called on yours truly. For some reason the first couple outs came super easy. After that they seemed to take some time. For two batters things were shittier than a Brian Wilson taco commercial.

I thought maybe it's because I'm over thinking the situation, then I thought I was over thinking my thinking about over thinking the...wait...I have no idea what's going on. Anyway, I closed out the game LIKE A BOSS. I even fielded some dribblers without twisting my ankle or wrecking my extra foot bone.

After the game I was interviewed by Yogi's little friend Boo-Boo. All in all it was almost as good as that day I found those Ding-Dongs I had forgotten in my coat pocket.

Some other stuff happened in the game too!

-Victor hit a triple without a pinch runner proving just how large Comerica Park really is.

-Delmon hit NOT ONE but TWO doses of anti-inflammatory. Does Magglio win the MVP of this series? We definitely caught a break with his situation.

-Alex caught another fantastic game and hit a home run! He's married so he's used to dealing with nagging problems.

-Cabrera smacked the third base bag with a hit for a double. It was payback for the bag tying weights to his ankles before last night's tag play

-Brad Penny warmed up for about 15 minutes next to me in the bullpen. I'm sure those 3 pitches weren't that taxing for him though.

-Playoff Hero Ryan Raburn hit a home run after being inspired by the plight of Hank Williams Jr.

-Austin struck out four times but, to be fair, it was only because he got four at bats.

Well, now we are heading back to Texas, man. We are going to fight and claw and scratch and passive-aggressively back bite until we get the job done or we have no more functioning obliques.

Later man,

@PhilCokesBrain

Still Alive: Tired Notes from ALCS Game Five

Just breathe. We're not dead yet.

I safely returned from tonight's Game Five between Detroit and Texas without harming anyone or myself. It was a slow-arriving crowd that seemed ready for the worst. Luckily, the Tigers had other plans.

One thing I'll always remember about the 2011 Tigers, no matter what happens, is how tough these bastards are. Delmon Young hit two more homers today, even though he probably shouldn't even be playing. Victor Martinez is busted up even worse, yet he hit a key TRIPLE in today's ballgame. Justin Verlander threw, I believe, 482 pitches today to take one for the team and save the tired/crappy bullpen. Miguel Cabrera is still a monster. And poor Alex Avila, who some might say is clinically dead, muscled out a homer off of CJ Wilson. Amazing day.

Quote of the day belonged to the 50+ year old woman next to me at the game. After hearing the loud ovation that Brandon Inge received from the CoPa crowd today, she muttered, "I must be the only person in this place that doesn't think this guy's very good." I laughed and asked her to adopt me.

The season is now in the hands of Mr. Max Scherzer. If Good Max shows up on Saturday and we get it to Fister on Sunday, I think this bad boy is ours. Our walking wounded pack of Tigers can still pull this off, kids. Step one...complete. Keep the faith.

Oh my...almost forgot. Mega props to the ULEASHED BEAST in the form of #PlayoffHeroRyanRaburn.
The Ryno hit a single and homer today and upped his postseason average to .316. Who was it that never lost faith in him again?  Um...oh yeah. ME, ME, AND ONLY ME! The Ryno's my boy.

Well deserved day off on Friday for the Tigers and their fans. One more time, everyone, we can still do this. It's not over until the Brandon Inge fan fat lady sings.

Note: The Tigers are now 3-0 in playoff games where I am in attendance including 2-0 this year. Someone buy me airfare and tickets to Texas, NOW.

Photos via The Freep.

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A couple of funnies and The animal school video...

Hi There,


The Dead Parrot
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head driver golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh**!."

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians".

One week later, a Council in East Ayrshire reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in New Cumnock, Eck Davidson, a self-taught archaeologist and retired miner, reported that he found
absolutely darn all....... Eck has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Scotland had already gone wireless!

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~






Cheers Kate xxx.

Down 3-1, Is There Hope?

No jokes tonight, kids. No silliness. Just...yeah.

This one was hard to swallow. Lamont will take blame for sending Cabrera. (He made the right call.) Leyland will take heat for walking Beltre. (I would have pitched to him.) Porcello will take heat for repeating his pickoff mistake of Game 163. (Moron.) But finding a scapegoat doesn't change a damn thing. The Tigers are out of mulligans and must win the next three, the final two in Texas, if they're to make the World Series.

They're injured. The pen is gassed. They're facing a team that is much more talented than they are. But they've amazed us before and still might have some fight left. Verlander goes tomorrow at home. You know he'll be amped. Scherzer has been great in the postseason. He can do so again in Game Six. And if it gets to a Game Seven? There's no one I would rather see on the mound than Doug Fister right now.

If only they could score some f'n runs.

Do or die, Game Five is tomorrow. I'll be there, Section 116, Row 35. Waving my stupid white towel. But not a white flag.

Yeah, I still have hope. Whatever. See you on the other side.

The Art of the Pre-Game Speech

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Jim, we’re two hours from Game Three. Don’t you think it’s time you gave these guys some kind of wake-up speech? Something to get them going? Anything?
JIM LEYLAND: (lights cigarette) No. They’llbefineIthink. (hack) Notlikethey’re abunchofLittleLeaguers.

DOMBROWSKI: I thought you’d say that. But I’m sorry, Jim. I disagree. These guys need a reality check. So I placed a phone call. He should be here any minute now.

LEYLAND: (cough) Ohno, youdidn’tcall…

DOMBROWSKI: Yup.

/loud crash heard in hallway

LEYLAND: Ihateyou.

DOMBROWSKI: Deal with it.

/door shoots open



KIRK GIBSON: You fucktasters disgust me. I haven’t seen this many pussies gathered in the same room since Sparky took us all to a brothel in ’87 to celebrate beating the fuckin’ Jays.

DOMBROWSKI: Hello, Kirk. Thanks for coming on such short notice. I think the team could really benefit from hearing from another voice right now.

GIBSON: No problem, ass-chin. God knows Mumbles McMarlboro over here isn’t gonna say shit other than telling someone to fucking bunt in the first inning.

LEYLAND: Thisisallhorseshit. (wheeze) Getthehelloutta…

GIBSON: Shut your smoke-hole, you yellow-skinned twat! You had your chance and now it’s Gibby’s turn. Men, gather around! You all need to hear every fucking word I say today.

/rips eight-second fart

(Don Kelly and Ramon Santiago make sign of the cross)

GIBSON: Do that all you want, guys, but He ain’t gonna help that smell. Gibby ate a pot of chili  and two pounds of bacon for breakfast today. Killed the sows myself. Now, listen. You pricks are down two-oh to these death penalty lovin’, Second Amendment screamin’, high school football worshipping cowfuckers from Texas. There ain’t shit you can do about that now. But one thing you CAN do, is stop being a bunch of whiny gashes. Where’s that catcher of yours? The all-star that suddenly can’t hit an AIDS patient’s weight?
AUSTIN JACKSON: Alex? He’s in the trainer’s room. His leg finally fell off this morning. The trainers are duct taping it back on.

GIBSON: No excuse! Gibby couldn’t stand up in ’88 and I still took that child molester-looking bitch Eckersley deep in the Series! When that hairball product of nepotism gets wheeled in here, I demand that EACH ONE OF YOU go up and punch that sumbitch in the cock! Tell him to be a man! And you! What’s your excuse for sucking dog dick at the plate this postseason?

JACKSON: Me? I don’t know, sir. I’m just not seeing the ball real well right now…

GIBSON: Right now? Shit, son, you strike out more than an Italian fat man at a lesbo bar! But you do kind of remind me of Chet Lemon in a way.

JACKSON: I do? Thanks.

GIBSON: Yeah. After his spleen fucking exploded and he couldn’t play anymore. But at least Chester had balls. Put a little spotlight on your ass and you turn tighter than a virgin’s butthole, son. Get your shit straight, boy. And that goes for all of ya! Pretty bad that you’re all being out-hit by the idiot hillbilly that no one wanted on the team two months ago and the worst player on the team. Tell them your secret, boy!
DON KELLY: (quietly says he just tries his best when the skipper calls his number)

GIBSON: Well, isn’t that sweet. Whatever, though, boy. Can’t shit on you. You haven’t crapped the bed like the rest of these fucks have so far!
BRANDON INGE: Hey, Gibby. Excuse me a second. I’m sorry to interrupt, pal, but um, didn’t your team get eliminated last week? Why do you think you can come in here and talk down to us.

GIBSON: Holy shit, Brandon. You’re still here? You’re like a bad fucking penny, you know? And I don’t mean the fat bearded bad Penny sleeping in the corner there! Why can I say this shit? Because I took a bunch of fuckers you couldn’t pick out of one of Cabrera’s police lineups and led them to 94 fucking wins and an NL West title, that’s why, you little shit! I had ONE decent player in the whole lot, and he’s the retarded Upton brother!

/belches alphabet backwards

GIBSON:  It’s not like I had the best hitter in the game like that fat drunk staring at me pretending he doesn’t understand English! It’s not like I had the best pitcher in the past 50 years on my team like that spiked-hair, pink shirt wearing fairy Verlander over there! No. My Arizona team didn’t have HALF of the talent assembled in this room! We shouldn’t have won 60 fucking games, but we had heart, we busted our ass, and we had BALLS! Something that none of you cumstains seem to have anymore!

INGE: Gibby, with all due respect…

GIBSON: Brandon, you were here on that shitty ’03 team. Remember what I always used to say to you when I was coaching here then?

INGE: Yeah. You said I useless and I would never amount to anything.

GIBSON: And I was right! I believe I also called you a smelly cocksucker, too. Point is, you didn’t let that stop you. You didn’t listen to common logic that you were fucking worthless and you kept giving it all. Sure, you still suck hog balls on the baseball field. But you didn’t quit back then! What happened to you? To all of you? Here you all are down two-oh and you look like you’re all finished! And for what? You beat the fucking Yankees in New fucking York! You’re really going to get scared of some tumor-faced pansy like Alexi Ogando? Alexi’s a fucking girl’s name! And Ogando? Sounds like an African venereal disease.

/scratches balls for three minutes straight

GIBSON:  Does that dirtball crackhead Hamilton make your panties creep up your ass? Does that fat shit Mike Napoli scare you that much? OH NO…IT’S COLBY BALLSNIFFIN’ LEWIS! Hold me, Skipper! Good lord, men! Get your heads out of your asses! You guys need to be more like Kelly here. You haven’t given up, have you kid?

KELLY: (quietly thanks God for being there and promises to do his best)

GIBSON: See? And he has a girl’s name, too! Rozema and I went through our share of Kellys in the 80’s, let me tell you. But Kelly here isn’t letting the fact that he’s terrible at baseball stop him! Fuck and no, he isn’t! He’s out there busting his ass and not whining about an oblique, a toe, a thumb, or a leg falling off. I admire you, son. In fact, you remind me of a guy I played with. His name was Tommy Brookens. Couldn’t hit for shit, but dammit, you’d have to kill him to get him off the field.
TOM BROOKENS: Hey, Gibby. I’m right here.

GIBSON: Holy shit. You look like a dump truck ran over your face, Tom. But seeing your here reminds me of a story. Back in ’84, Rozey and I were out on the town putting back the brews pretty hard one night. Anyways, I get the idea to dare him to cram his pecker into this cross-eyed crack whore on Lafayette Street that was always following us around begging for cash. So we end up in some nasty hotel room and Dave gives this tramp the business, and winning ten bucks off Gibby in the process. I still can’t believe that drunk went through with it.

/spits three ounces of dip on floor

GIBSON:  But he comes outta that trainwreck with a glazed over look in his eyes. He says to me, “Gibby, how are we running away with the pennant? We’re not that good. Hell, our rotation has Dave fucking Rozema in it.” Now I nearly laughed my dick off that Rozey was so blitzed off of booze and coke that he didn’t remember who he was, but he had a point. We weren’t the most talented team in the world. We didn’t have the best players. But we sure as shit played harder than any other group of bastards in baseball that year! We were a tough group of fuckers that would kick, scrape, and punch our mothers in the cunt to win a championship! We didn’t cry about injuries, or contracts, or the fucking weather! We went out there and won! Think you fuckers can do that?

EVERYONE: Yeah!

GIBSON: Like you have a fucking pair!

EVERYONE: FUCK YEAH!

GIBSON: You’re goddamned right you can win! It’s been 27 fucking years since Tram, Lou, me, and that guy that used to be Brookens won a championship in Detroit, men! Many of you were still premature ejaculations is your old man’s eyes back then. But it’s time to bring home that shit one more time! Detroit isn’t no fucking punchline anymore! So suck it up, get your shit together, and go skullfuck these Texas bitches on national fucking television! You hear me?

JACKSON: Let’s get ‘em!

/team roars and thunders out of clubhouse

GIBSON: Damn straight. That what you wanted, David?

DOMBROWSKI: Yes, sir. Interested in coming to Detroit when your deal’s up in Arizona?

GIBSON: Fuck you. You burned this bridge. I did this for the fans of Detroit. Not you. Jim? I hope you were listening, too. Quit trying to be everyone’s fucking friend and do your fucking job. I’m outta here. Gotta go shoot some animals and bang the bullet holes. FUCK, I miss this city sometimes!

/kicks over trash can and leaves

LEYLAND: Ihateyou, Dave.

DOMBROWSKI: I hate you more. Let’s win this motherfucker.

Baseball Is Stupid

So, in the last couple days, my baseball team has fallen behind 2-0 in the ALCS to the Texas Rangers and my favorite player broke his ankle and his career is likely over. There are not enough curse words that have been discovered yet to fully express my feelings. Instead, I offer you a quick look at what's been good and bad about the ALCS so far.

The Good
1. Max Scherzer
2. #PlayoffHeroRyanRaburn
3. Don Kelly (of all people)
4. Terry Francona's commentary

The Bad
1. (tie) Everything Else

Once again, we look to Doug Fister to save our season. Hope is not lost, kids. But she's fading...

How old is Grandma ? and Did you know ?

Hi There,

How old is Grandma ??

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she
thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general..

The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not
invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clotheswere hung out to dryin the fresh air and
' man hadn't yetwalked on the moon

Your Grandfather and I got married first, .. and then lived together..
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man
older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called
policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights,
computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centres, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten
Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the
difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living
in this country was a bigger privilege...
We thought fast food was what people
ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny,and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan'on it, it was junk
The term 'making out' referred to how
you did on your school exam....
Pizza Hut, McDonald's,
and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you
could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar,
and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could
spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, . .. .
but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something yourmother cooked in and
' "rock music" wasyour grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' "chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and
confused" and say there is a generation gap.or from the archives
How old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old lady
in mind....you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if
you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

OK so what age is the Grandma?
She would be only 59 years old !
It gives you something to think about ...
Pass it on to the old ones - the young ones wouldn't believe it.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Did you know ......
In Alaska It is illegal for a moose to walk on the sidewalk downtown In Arizona Hunting camels is prohibited. In Arkansas It is illegal to mispronounce Arkansas while there.
In California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~





Cheers. Kate xxx.

Tigers Got 99 Problems...

Well, maybe not 99 problems. But a lot of them.

When it rains, it pours. Literally, in the case of the Detroit Tigers this postseason.

With today’s news about Magglio Ordonez, few would blame Tiger fans from quietly kissing their family members before walking into their basements and shooting themselves. But not just because of Maggs. This has been building up for a while. The possible end of Tiger hero Magglio Ordonez’s career is just the icing on the cake.

Consider the following.


1. Magglio’s ankle is broken and he’s out for the year and may be forced to retire.

2. Carlos Guillen is still MIA.

3. Brennen Boesch is out for the year with his thumb owie.

4. Delmon Young is out for at least the ALCS with his oblique injury.

5. Mother Nature is a filthy whore and has messed with the Tigers and Justin Verlander through the entire playoffs.

6. When he has been able to pitch, JV hasn’t been himself. His 5.54 ERA in three starts is not what anyone expected out of him.

7. Part of that has to do with the erratic strike zones the Tigers have faced so far. The home plate umpiring has been atrocious thus far.

8. Austin Jackson has mentally checked out. He has looked uneasy on defense, where he was amazing all season, to go along with 11 K’s in 26 plate appearances. Overall, he’s hitting .143 this postseason, so far.

9. The media and fans aren’t helping Jackson, or anyone, either by constantly reminding the world of Curtis Granderson’s name every time Jackson so much as blinks his eyes.

10. Alex Avila looks like he’s never picked up a bat before. He denies being hurt, but you have to wonder since he’s 1-20 (.050) combined against NY and Texas.

11. Alexi Ogando continues to dominate the Tigers like a father playing basketball against his 5 year old son. Sunday’s rainout puts him back in play for Game Two.

12. Michael Young, Josh Hamilton, Nelson Cruz, Mike Napoli, and Ian Kinsler are all healthy and great hitters.

13. Miguel Cabrera is hitting .222 in the postseason.

14. Victor Martinez’s toe may have fallen off by the time you read this. After Game One against Texas, his postseason average dropped to .191.

15. Jim Leyland continues to be obsessed with lefty-righty matchups. Against Feliz, the Rangers’ closer last night, he pinch hit struggling Wilson Betemit for Brandon Inge. Inge is 2-2 with a homer in his career vs Feliz. Betemit was 0-6 with 3 K’s. Make that 0-7 with 4 K’s now. Quit outthinking the room, Jim.

16. Speaking of Betemit, the “clutch” bat acquired from the Royals is now 0-9 with 5 K’s in the playoffs this year.

17. Brad Penny is still on the roster.

18. Mutiny. Will Rhymes tweeted the following during the 9th inning of Game One against Texas:

I turned the game off when danny ran for santi, they are the same speed at best. Very confused. Ill check the box tomorrow.

I imagine that it must be frustrating to be left off the playoff roster. But keep that stuff to yourself, dude. Others must have said something similar to Captain Scrappy, because 12 hours later, he tweeted again…

Some of you guys need to lighten up. It is so stressful for me to watch these games, sometimes I just have to turn them off.

Great, Will. Then don’t seemingly bury Danny Worth along the way. And attacking your fanbase is not helping, either.

19. Don Kelly is now your right field starter. One home run doesn’t change the fact that he has a lifetime OPS+ of 74.

20. Tim McCarver will return on Tuesday. Granted, this isn’t a Tiger problem. It’s just one for baseball fans everywhere. Keep Francona, Fox.  If you insist on a Tiger problem here, um...I know.  No more bunting, please.

21. The Rangers bullpen is much, much better than Detroit’s.

22. With Ordonez, Boesch, and Young down, there aren’t any outfielders left to call up to replace them. Clete Thomas and Ryan Strieby are the ones left on the 40 man roster and neither played in the majors this year. In fact, they were awful at the Triple A level.

23. The only decent outfielder the Tigers didn’t call up this year was Timo Perez, and he’s suspended for 50 games for using a banned substance.

24. Texas maintains home field advantage. If only Detroit wasn’t featuring spring training lineups after clinching the division at the end of the year, they may have finished with a better season record than Texas. At least we wouldn’t be dealing with monsoon season in Arlington right now.

25. AJ Pierzynski picked the Tigers to win in six games. AJ is a walking Tiger curse (though I did enjoy his work on Fox in Game One).

26. Mitch Album is still “covering” the Tigers. If this story is 100% accurate with NO fabrications, I will eat a barrel full of broken glass.

27. Al Alburquerque looks like a deer in headlights. His postseason ERA is currently 81.00.

28. Remember Joel Zumaya? Yup.

29. Daniel Schlereth may have to be trusted to get an important out at some point.

30. A large portion of Tiger fans are panicking like a slutty girl in a bad horror movie right now.

So yeah, we’ve got problems. The sky does appear to be falling right now. But weirder things have happened in baseball, my friends. Cabrera, Martinez, Peralta, and Avila are still breathing. #PlayoffHeroRyanRaburn is getting his chance to play and has thus far continued his second half hitting magic. And if the weather holds, we still have the edge in starting pitching. Justin Verlander will pitch again.

So do what the Tigers must do. Dust yourself off and keep going. We’ve all come too far to give up now.

Believe.

And if you don’t…fuck off. Some of us still have hope.

Meanwhile...A Disturbance In New York

DEREK JETER: What can I say? Of course I’m disappointed. Our goal each and every year is to win a World Series championship here in New York. But we gave it our best shot. Those guys are a good ballclub and they were the better team out there. I’m not gonna make any excuses and all I can say is we’ll just work hard looking toward next year. I want to thank the incredible Yankee fans out there and I’m sorry we let you down. Okay, if that’s all, I’d appreciate it if the press could clear out so I can have a moment or two with my teammates. I hope you understand. Thank you.

/media slowly exits the room

JETER: Are they all gone? Excellent…
CURTIS GRANDERSON: Uh oh…I’ve got a bad feeling about this…



/helmet drops down
LORD JETER: General Girardi. Assemble the men. They have failed me for the last time.
JOE GIRARDI: Shall I address them first?

JETER: No. Leave them to me. I shall deal with them myself.

GIRARDI: Yes, Lord Jeter. Men! Gather around! The Captain wishes to address you all! And make it quick, dammit!

JETER: Good. You men disappoint me. This day was to be a day long remembered. It saw the end of the Red Sox earlier, and was supposed to see the end of the Tigers tonight. The circle was to be complete. Winning the World Series was our destiny. Instead, your thoughts betrayed you and you fell in battle. NONE of you are True Yankees like myself. Like you. Yes, YOU! Bounty Hunter!
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: (staring in mirror) Huh? Me?

JETER: What happened to you this series?

RODRIGUEZ: Sorry, man. I’ve been hurt, you know? (makes kissing faces in mirror)

JETER: Silly injuries do not concern me. I want championships, not excuses. You have failed me for the last time.

RODRIGUEZ: Whatever, man. Like you told the media, we’ll be back…

/Jeter makes pinching motion with hand

/A-Rod begins choking

JETER: I find you lack of clutch hitting disturbing…

RODRIGUEZ: Gack….ugh….

GIRARDI: Enough of this! Jeter, release him!

JETER: As you wish.

RODRIGUEZ: Gasp…you’re crazy, man! I’m outta here! I’m going to Tahiti or something!

/runs out of room sobbing

JETER: As for the rest of you…Posada. The force has always been strong with you. But you failed me, as well. Your powers are weak, old man. You are hereby banished from the Yankees forever more. Have fun in retirement…or worse. Like Baltimore. And YOU! Our not-so-secret weapon!

GRANDERSON: You talking to me, man? Don’t start your crap with me, Derek. I did my part. How about you take a look in A-Rod’s mirror at yourself. Didn’t you strikeout about a dozen times this series?

JETER: Your thoughts betray you, Young Granderson. Jim Leyland taught you well. You have controlled your fear. But you have yet to fully release your anger. Give in to your hatred. You are not a True Yankee yet like Paul O’Neill and Scott Brosius before you, but your training is progressing. But watch your tone, boy. Don’t make me destroy you.

GRANDERSON: Whatever, Derek. Can we go now?

JETER: I find you lack of faith disturbing, Young Granderson. Your secret plans you delivered on the Tigers were worthless! This rebel, Don Kelly…you told us he was terrible.

GRANDERSON: Well, he kinda is. Not my fault Nova was so predictable out there.

JETER: The youngling Nova was following orders. And what of the ewok Rhymes? He didn’t even make their roster. The wookie Avila? He was not as broken down as you reported to us. You failed Curtis, but you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Soon, we will complete your training. You will make a fine apprentice, unlike the Bounty Hunter crying in the hallway. He’s as clumsy as he is stupid.

GIRARDI: Lord Jeter, the men are tired and want to go home. Are we finished here?

JETER: Almost. Get Cashman down here. I require extra millions on my contract.

GIRARDI: But Lord Jeter…you guys made a deal.

JETER: I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further. Wait! I sense something. A presence I’ve not felt since…

/door shoots open
GARY SHEFFIELD: Hahahahahahaha, bitches! Oh, Sheff LOVED every second of this shit! Oh, hell yeah, he did! You know Sheff’s still on the Tiger payroll, right? Oh, Sheff’s gettin’ himself a ring! And you bitches be PATHETIC! Danny Kelly beat you! That’s messed up…oh, shit. You still doin’ this dressup shit, Jeet? I thought you was done with this.

JETER: Ahh. Sheffield. So you were the tremor I felt in the force. You delusional fool, you’re not getting any ring just because you’re still on the rebel payroll.

SHEFFELD: Haha, Sheff don’t give a shit. Sheff just LOVES seeyin’ yo' dumb ass lose!

JETER: Enough of this. General Girardi, prepare Sheffield for carbon freezing!

GIRARDI: Um…the carbon freezing unit’s been broken ever since Colon tried to make ice cream in it.

JETER: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

SHEFFIELD: Y’all suck. So glad I left this shit. I’m outta here…gotta catch a flight to Texas to watch a REAL baseball team, hahahahahaha! Seeya, losers!

Game Five: By The Numbers

I don't know about you all...but I love everything right now. Dancing on the Yankee lawn...if there's anything better, let me know. Hopefuly with eight more wins, we will find something better.

Here's a look at Game Five by the numbers.

5:  Badass innings pitched by Doug Fister.  The box score doesn't pop out at you, but Fister kept the Yankee hitters off balance long enough to get to the pen to close it out.

2:  Innings by Ivan Nova before leaving the game with a strained vagina.

2:  First inning homers by the Tigers.  One by Delmon Young, his third of the series, and one by some other guy I can't remember.

1:  One apology for Don Kelly for crapping on him all the time.  Awesome job lifting it 250 feet into the right field Yankee stands, Donnie. I would like to take credit for motivating you with my constant reminders of how terrible you are. You're welcome, Tiger fans.

23:  Total texts and tweets I received mocking me after Kelly's homer. I'll take it.

3:  Strikeouts in the game by Kelly.  Yeah he came through in the first.  But he still shouldn't have been hitting second.  Bite me.

1:  Hit by Victor Martinez.  But it drove in the game winner and was just another in a long line by the greatest free agent signing the Tigers have made in forever. Remember...it came down to him or Adam Dunn. I think DD made the right choice.

7:  Number of minor strokes and heart attacks I had during this game.

.455:  Batting average in the ALDS for Magglio Ordonez, a man who considered retirement earlier in the year and a man who several Tiger fans wanted released this year. Don't bench him again, Jim.

.111:  Average for A-Rod in the ALDS. Hahahahahahahahaha...

8:  Number of idiots dancing like morons after strike three on A-Rod at the party where I was watching the game. Hopefully, none of it ends up on YouTube.

Not Sure:  Number of beers consumed tonight. Sorry for any typos.

1:  Number of tumors on Joaquin Benoit's face.
"It's not a tumor!"

1.2:  Huge innings pitched by Benoit tonight. Sure, he walked in a run. But he got the job done.

3:  Up and 3 down for Jose Valverde in the 9th. Dance, fatty...dance.

$9 million:  Option for Valverde that had BETTER be picked up in the offseason.

Millions:  Of tears shed by Yankee fans tonight. I wish I could taste them all. Jerks.

8:  Wins to go for your Tigers to be World Champions.

Enjoy this one, kids. We start all over on Saturday. Bring on the Rangers.

TBS: Very Funny

BRIAN ANDERSON: Hello fans, and welcome to TBS’ coverage of the American League Divisional Series featuring the TWENTY-SEVEN TIME World Champion New York Yankees…and yup.

RON DARLING: Yes, the Yankees have shown the world EXACTLY WHY they are America’s team and the favorites to take home the trophy again this year.

ANDERSON: The Bombers are led by the man, the legend, the CAPTAIN, Derek Jeter. Jeter’s leadership has been evident throughout this entire series as he has single-handedly guided the Yankees one step closer toward the title. Rumor has it, he's been the main reason behind Curtis Granderson's improvements in center field this year. I'm told Granderson had never even played the position before arriving in New York.

DARLING: Indeed. Even when Jeter gives the opponent false hope by purposely striking out or hitting a weak grounder to short, his grittiness and the all-around intangibles that can’t be explained help to propel his teammates to victory.

ANDERSON: Taking the mound tonight is the unquestioned Rookie of the Year favorite Ivan Nova. He looked unstoppable in Game One when he was thrust into the spotlight after the game had earlier been halted by rain.

DARLING: Again, you have to credit Jeter on this. I have no knowledge of any of this happening, but you know The Captain must have given young Nova quite the speech to help him look like Cy Young out there earlier this week.

ANDERSON: And how about that Pudge Alex Rodriguez? His bat finally came around in Game Four after, no doubt, a Jeter pep-talk, and he looks to be the A-Rod of old, doesn’t he?

DARLING: You know it. I expect Rodriguez to hit at least three homers tonight, all inspired by the greatness of Derek Jeter, the ultimate teammate.

ANDERSON: I’ve been handed a note saying that we should mention the Yankees’ opponents tonight. Ron, how do you see the Detroit, um, Lions (?) matching up?

DARLING: You have to feel for these unknowns, led by slugger Melky Cabrera, who killed a busload of nuns in the offseason with a blood-alcohol content of .88. Hopefully, they all at least have a chance to meet Derek Jeter and have a story to tell their grandkids one day.

ANDERSON: It should be fun to watch before the Yanks get ready to sweep the Dallas Rangers in the next round. So, sit back, and don’t touch that dial, fans. John, do you have anything to add?

JOHN SMOLTZ: Sigh. No.

ANDERSON: It's Yankees-Pistons NEXT! Only on TBS.

The DNR 2011 MLB Award Winners

Since there’s a day off here before Game 5 of the Tigers/Yankees series, I thought today would be a good day to name my choices for the big awards in Major League Baseball. You can only analyze this series so much before your brain feels like it’s going to explode, you know? Plus, I wanted to get these out of the way before the actual winners are announced.

So below, you’ll see what my choices would be if I had a say in the voting for the MVP, Cy Young, and Manager of the Year voting with the runners up, along with who I think the voters will actually name as the winners. I decided to skip Rookie of the Year just because I haven’t seen enough of those guys to feel comfortable making a choice. Sue me. After that, I’ll give my Tiger awards, too.

Keep in mind, I don’t subscribe to the idea that the award winners have to be on a playoff team. I feel that the best man deserves the award and shouldn’t be punished for how poorly his teammates may have played. That’s how they jobbed Miguel Cabrera out of the MVP last year.



AL Most Valuable Player

My Choice: Jose Bautista, Toronto

If Bautista played on a better team, I think he would walk away with this award. He led the AL in WAR, slugging, OPS, homers, and walks. He also hit .302 and was second in OBP by .001 to Cabrera. He tied Big Mig for the AL lead in OPS+ and runs created. Most impressively, Jose did all this with very little protection at all in that Jays lineup. Amazing season.

Runners Up
1. Miguel Cabrera, Detroit
2. Justin Verlander, Detroit
3. Jacoby Ellsbury, Boston
4. Curtis Granderson, New York
5. Adrian Gonzalez, Boston

Note: When I really looked over Mig’s numbers, I couldn’t feel comfortable putting JV ahead of him despite saying I would a couple weeks ago. Cabrera’s been under the radar in the shadow of Verlander’s spectacular year and he deserves more MVP consideration than he’s been receiving. He led the AL in batting average, OBP, games played, and doubles. Amazing year, but I felt Bautista was just a hair better when considering all factors.

Who I Think Will Win: Ellsbury…the media loves their SAWX and I think Boston won just enough this year for them to feel justified in giving it to him. Granderson has a chance, but I think too many will hold it against JV for not being an everyday player for him to have a decent shot at it.

NL Most Valuable Player

My Choice: Matt Kemp, Los Angeles

Kemp led the NL (and all of baseball) in WAR in 2011. He was also tops in his league in runs, total bases, homers, RBI, OPS+, and runs created, all the while playing amazing defense. It’s too bad all the negative headlines with the LA ownership took the headlines away from him.

Runners Up
1. Ryan Braun, Milwaukee
2. Prince Fielder, Milwaukee
3. Joey Votto, Cincinnati
4. Lance Berkman, St. Louis
5. Clayton Kershaw, Los Angeles

Who I Think Will Win: Braun. Many in the voting group will hold it against Kemp that LA didn’t make the playoffs.

AL Cy Young Award

My Choice: Justin Verlander, Detroit

Duh. JV led the AL pitchers in WAR, ERA, wins, WHIP, innings, strikeouts, and ERA+. He also tossed a no-hitter, and just missed a second. The man was a cyborg and there’s no debate on this, as far as I’m concerned.

Runners Up
1. Jered Weaver, Los Angeles
2. CC Sabathia, New York
3. James Shields, Tampa Bay (11 complete games!)
4. Dan Haren, Los Angeles
5. Josh Beckett, Boston

Who I Think Will Win: Verlander. Or else.

NL Cy Young Award

My Choice: Clayton Kershaw, Los Angeles

Like Verlander, Kershaw won the pitching Triple Crown in the NL by leading the league in ERA, strikeouts and wins (tied with Ian Kennedy). He also had the best WHIP and Tiger fans got to witness how awesome the lefty is, too, when he beat Detroit earlier in the year.

Runners Up
1. Roy Halladay, Philadelphia
2. Cliff Lee, Philadelphia
3. Ian Kennedy, Arizona
4. Tim Lincecum, San Francisco
5. Cole Hamels, Philadelphia

Who I Think Will Win: Halladay. He’s the familiar name to voters and like Kemp, I think not making the playoffs may hurt Kershaw. This is one of many reasons why I despise so many in the mainstream baseball media.

AL Manager of the Year

My Choice: Joe Maddon, Tampa Bay

Tampa lost Carl Crawford, Joaquin Benoit, Carlos Pena, Jason Bartlett, and Grant Balfour from last year’s squad. All were key contributors and Crawford, the face of the franchise. Then Manny Ramirez, signed as a free agent, retired after testing positive for PEDs again. The Rays were written off early, yet Maddon steered the ship as only he can and led them to 91 wins and an impressive late season charge into the AL Wild Card. Losing to Texas in the ALDS doesn’t take away from the amazing job that Joe did this year.

Runners Up
1. Joe Girardi, New York
2. Jim Leyland, Detroit
3. Ron Washington, Texas
4. Manny Acta, Cleveland
5. John Farrell, Toronto

Who I Think Will Win: Maddon. There’s no other sane choice.

NL Manager of the Year

My Choice: Kirk Gibson, Arizona

The D-Backs won 65 games last year. This year they jumped to 94. I knew Gibby would turn out to be a hellova manager someday. I only would have been with the Tigers.

Runners Up
1. Ron Roenicke, Milwaukee
2. Tony LaRussa, St. Louis
3. Charlie Manuel, Philadelphia
4. Don Mattingly, Los Angeles
5. Fredi Gonzalez, Atlanta

Who I Think Will Win: Gibson. No one expected anything from Arizona and Gibby will get recognized for his efforts.

TIGER AWARDS

Rookie of the Year: Al Alburquerque. Who saw this kid coming?

Breakout Player of the Year: Alex Avila. For the 30th time, I’m sorry I doubted you in April, kid.

Most Underappreciated Tiger: Jhonny Peralta. Amazing year that no one expected and few in the media have noticed.

Defensive Player of the Year: Austiin Jackson. Oh, Jackson! Indeed, Rod. Indeed.

Pitcher of the Year
1. Verlander
2. Jose Valverde
3. Doug Fister

Hitter of the Year
1. Cabrera
2. Victor Martinez
3. Alex Avila

Tiger of the Year: Justin Verlander. He owned Detroit in 2011 and gained the franchise more exposure from the major media than I can remember in a long, long time.

And there you have it. Time for me to go back to fretting about tomorrow. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue…

Welcome to Farts & Letters

Welcome to Farts & Letters

Game Four: Keeping Score


I haven’t done a “Keeping Score” since July.  Now’s as good of a time as any.  For those unfamiliar with it, this is where I keep a running diary of the game jotting down every stupid thought that comes into my head as it goes on.  Thrilling, huh?  

If we win, this will be fun to look back on and remember, I guess.  If we lose, I’m going to shoot myself in the face with a shotgun.

Get your peanuts, Cracker Jacks, and Schlitz Light ready, kids.  This game should prove to be interesting, no matter what happens.

PREGAME THOUGHTS

-Todd Jones is throwing out the ceremonial first pitch tonight.  No doubt, somehow it’ll get smacked into the gap for a leadoff double.

-I’d mutilate an orphan to see Bobby Higginson throw out a first pitch this postseason.  Of course, you savages would all probably boo…Higginson, not the orphan-mutilating.

-It’s Rick Porcello vs. AJ Burnett tonight.  Both fanbases have to be nervous with this matchup.  Rick’s the youngest Tiger starter in postseason history.  AJ’s this year’s Yankee scapegoat already.  I have a jar of antacids standing by.

-Today on “SportsNation”, Colin Cowherd said that if the Yankees lose tonight, it will be bad for baseball.  Colin Cowherd needs to be given a flesh-eating-bacteria enema.

-One note I forgot to mention about yesterday’s game…wandering around the CoPa, I saw a female midget little person in a Tigers jersey.  It was the best thing I’ve seen in weeks, I tell you.  For some reason I wanted to see her juggle something…I’m entertained by weird things.  Anyway, when she walked past, I was disappointed to see it was a Verlander jersey.  If it were a Will Rhymes one, I think my brain would have melted.

-By the way, it’s a joke.  Please don’t be offended by my comments about the lovely, tiny lady I saw.  I know that not all little people are skilled at juggling.

-John Smoltz, Ron Darling, and Brian Anderson are once again the men TBS has put in charge of making me angry tonight with their announcing.  Joy.  Thanks for making me somehow miss Buck and McCarver, TBS.

-It’s only going to get worse.  Word is, AJ Pierzynski has been added to the Fox team for their coverage later on.  This is further proof that Fox’s goal is to turn every American off to the game of baseball.

-Enough babbling.  Can you tell I’m more nervous than Dave Dombrowski walking down an alley in Harlem?  Let’s get this game started.

TOP OF THE FIRST

-God’s only son, Derek Jeter, is up first to begin the game for the Yanks.  He grounds out to Jhonny Peralta at short to begin things.  When he K’d to end the game last night, I sprouted one of those four-hour erections you hear so much about in the boner pill commercials…sorry, TMI.

-Curtis Granderson is next.  I vaguely remember him.  TBS shows Verlander laughing like a four year old at Chuck E Cheese in the dugout.  At least he’s not nervous.

-Granderson strikes out looking.  Sweet. 

-Robinson Cano with a grounder up the middle…STABBED by Jhonny…OUT!  Amazing play for a guy that the experts told us had no range!  One, two, three first for Kid Rick.  Awesome.

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST

-AJ Burnett has sweet sleeve tattoos that make Ryan Perry’s look like Brandon Inge’s.  He also has a neck that’s longer than ET’s.

-Austin Jackson is up first.  He’s 0-9 in the ALDS so far.  AJax works the count full, something he does often and gets little credit for, and draws the leadoff walk.  Burnett’s pitches are sailing high.

-Ramon Santiago’s next as the whole world waits for AJax to run on Burnett’s slow delivery.  Ramon POPS UP A BUNT that A-Rod catches.  QUIT BUNTING, JIM!  The man is fascinated with wasting outs.  Why else would Kelly be hitting 6th today?

-Jackson steals second on the first pitch to Delmon Young.  I can’t believe DY took it.

-Delmon (sigh) swings at a ball near the dirt and grounds out to third.  AJax takes third, though, because he’s really fast.

-Ron Darling calls A-Rod “nimble”.  Yeah…and Bartolo Colon is “skinny”.

-Miguel Cabrera’s up with two outs and a chance to take the early lead.  The count’s 2-0 and they just say “eff it” and intentionally walk him after that. 

-Victor Martinez is up now, first and third, two down.  Have they cut his toe off yet?

-Count reaches 3-1 as Russell Martin keeps making awesome stops on AJ bouncing pitches up to the plate.  Ball four.  Bases loaded…for Kelly.  I hate you, Jim Leyland.

-Pitching coach for the Yanks coming out.  This is the Yankee drinking game, by the way.  Every time they stall, take a drink.  Better yet, don’t…you’ll die.

-Cory Wade is up in the NY bullpen already.  Wow…Girardi’s not screwing around with AJ tonight.  He doesn’t want to end up like Terry Francona.

-Don Kelly lines out to center field.  Granderson almost blew it.  Way to have your worst hitter bat sixth, Jim.  Why wasn’t he taking, anyway?  AJ’s all over the place!  Grrr.  (I admit, Donnie drilled it.  Shut up.)

-Good thing we bunted.  #FireLeyland

TOP OF THE SECOND

-Alex Rodriguez leads off and is quickly retired.  He sucks off the HGH.  But he sure is NIMBLE!

-Mark Teixeira lines out to Little Ramon.  Two quick outs.  This is also the first time I’ve ever spelled “Teixeira” right the first time without cheating.

-Nick Swisher grounds out to Mig.  That didn’t take long.

-Note:  Porcello is 6 for 6 in first pitch strikes so far.  He also only threw 6 total pitches this inning.

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND

-Jhonny Peralta leads off for Detroit.  Grounder backhanded by Rodriguez for the first out.  Don’t let AJ settle in, guys.

-Alex Avila, who has disappeared so far in the postseason, is next.  He’s 0-9 so far.  AJ is pounding the strike zone this inning and quickly goes up 0-2 in the count.  Next pitch, Avila taps out back to Burnett.

-Wilson Betemit’s up with two down.  Betemit strikes out on 4 pitches.

TOP OF THE THIRD

-Random Commercial Thought:  That T Mobile chick is beyond hot.  I would like to buy her things that she doesn’t need in exchange for her pretending to like me.

-Jorge Posada’s corpse leads off for the Bombers.  He gets hit by a pitch on the elbow making very little effort to get out of the way.  I hate Posada more than al Queda.

-Russell Martin’s now up for NY.  Grounder past Peralta for a single.  Posada stops at second.  Uh oh.

-Brett Gardner’s next.  He shows bunt, but pulls it back.  Only Leyland is stupid enough to bunt for no reason this early.

-I take it back…Brett bunts the next pitch foul.  If the Yanks want to have their hottest hitter sacrifice, I’m cool with it.  Fire Girardi!

-Gardner strikes out looking and gets in the ump’s face about it.  In his defense, it was a very high strike.  This is the biggest strike zone of the series so far for both teams.

- Lord Jeter’s up to hopefully hit into a double play.  Instead he doubles to deep center….SAFE at home.  That was close.  Two runs score.  ESPN, Fox, TBS, and Cowherd all just messed their collective pants.

YANKEES:  2, TIGERS:  0

-Granderson grounds out to second and advances Jeter to third.  Two outs.

-Cano golfs a low 2-0 pitch to Jackson for the third out.

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD

-AJax leads off and grounds out to A-Rod.  Apparently, the whole first inning patience strategy is out the window.

-Santiago grounds out to short which Brian Anderson calls CLASSIC DEREK JETER.  What?  Jumping and throwing for no reason?  He also compliments Jeter’s range.  God is dead.

-Two down for Delmon.  By some miracle, DY works a 3-1 count and walks.  Did hell freeze over?

-That brings up Big Mig.  He grounds out to Jeter.  CLASSIC.

-Burnett has a no-hitter through three innings.

TOP OF THE FOURTH

-A-Rod’s first for the Yankees.  Is he considered a “True Yankee” yet?  I’d ask a Yankee fan, but I’d rather be locked in an elevator with Glenn Beck for an hour.

-Alex flies out to Kelly in right.  One down.

-That brings up Tex who’s due to hit one 500 feet off of us.  Porcello must be thinking that, too, so drills him with a pitch in the arm.  At least Rick’s not scared to throw inside.  I hope he nails Jeter next.  I just want to see if Tom Verducci runs out and tries to give him mouth-to-mouth.

-Goofball Swisher comes up and quickly goes down 0-2.  Then he K’s looking…another high strike.  Two outs on Porcello’s third K.

-Posada gets down 1-2 and starts stalling.  Then Rick backdoors him with a SWEET breaking ball for the strikeout.  Stay nasty, Ricky.

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH

-Did I mention Burnett has a NO-HIT SHUTOUT going?

-V-Mart’s first this inning.  He’s now 2-11 in the series.  3-0 count.  3-1…LONG DRIVE…GONE!  Solo shot for V-Mart!  BOOMSTICK.

YANKEES:  2, TIGERS:  1

-Wow…that curse stuff really works on no-no’s.  Ha.

-Don Kelly’s up and is quickly down 0-2.  He grounds out to Cano because he’s terrible at baseball.

-Jhonny, who should be hitting sixth, doubles down the left field line!  AJ looks like he’s taking a dump in his pants.

-Avila’s up and now would be a GREAT time for him to stop sucking.  He looks really intense.  Wish he’d grow a Brian Wilson beard by the end of the game.

-Phil Hughes up in the Yankee bullpen.  I forgot he existed.  Avila strikes out looking on a great breaking ball from Burnett.  Two down.

-Betemit’s next and is 0-6 so far this series.  Smoltz says he has a free and easy swing.  As opposed to A-Rod’s, which is expensive and hard.  Sorry.

-Wild pitch advances Jhonny to third.  Rod Allen predicted it on twitter.  Go figure.

-Wilson strikes out on three pitches.  Sigh.

TOP OF THE FIFTH

-Martin swings and misses to start the fifth.  Three pitches into the at bat and they’ve already mentioned Jeter’s earlier double twice.  Seriously.

-Base hit past Peralta.

-Leyland mumbles through an interview.  I don’t speak whatever language he’s communicating with.

-Gardner’s next and I hope he bunts.  Rick comes THIS close to picking Martin off at first…damn.  Gardner slaps a single to left.  Oh, boy…

-Captain Intangibles tries to bunt…but it’s right back to Rick and they GET THE FORCE AT THIRD!  Betemit made an unbelievable recovery on that play after initially charging the ball.

-Darling gets angry saying Betemit missed the base, but luckily the replay shows that Darling’s a moron.  Smoltz finally admits that Wilson hit the bag.  Die, TBS.

-Grandy launches one to the right field wall…RBI double.  The CoPa crowd gave him a nice ovation last night.  Probably won’t do that anymore after tonight.

YANKEES:  3, TIGERS:  1

-They intentionally walk Cano to load the bases as Phil Coke and Ryan Perry warm up.  Perry?  Oh, gawd.

-Alex Rodriguez up in a HUGE spot with one out.  No balls, two strikes.  A-Rod has 22 career grand slams, they tell us.  Long drive to center….sac fly.

YANKEES:  4, TIGERS:  1

-First and third, two down, and Tex comes up.  Rick needs to get him or we’re screwed. 

-I can’t believe Porcello’s only 22.  When I was 22…you don’t wanna know.

-Strikeout looking.  End of inning.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH

-Do NOT let this get to Rivera, guys.

-Jackson starts off against Burnett and take a breaking ball to left for a single.  DO NOT BUNT, JIM.

-Santiago immediately hits into a double play.  Should’ve bunted.

-Two outs for Delmon.  He taps out to AJ.  Dammit.
 
TOP OF THE SIXTH

-Rick’s back out to face Swisher.  Ground ball…DIVING grab by Ramon…OUT.  Nice.  Darling says Ramon’s a “little better defender than Raburn”.  Yeah.  And Jessica Alba’s just a little bit hotter than Betty White.

-Posada flies out to Jackson in center.

-Martin is 2-2 today and is up with two down.  He flies out to Kelly. 

-I don’t feel well.

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH

-Cabrera leads off and works the count full.  Amazing what happens when you take pitches.  Then he lines out to Jeter.  Amazingly, Darling doesn’t orgasm on the spot.

-Victor’s next and he grounds out to short.  Time’s running out before it’s Rivera-time.

-Don Kelly comes up and singles.  Nice job, Donnie.  Yeah, you heard me.

-Logan and Soriano are up in the bullpen for NY.

-Wow…Girardi pulls Burnett.  This might be Detroit’s best chance at winning.  Thanks for the chance, Joe.


-Soriano’s in to face Peralta….DIVING GRAB by Granderson.  Unbelievable play and Grandy’s hurt.  Amazing catch.  Jerk.

TOP OF THE SEVENTH

-Phil Coke is your new Tigers pitcher.  Did you know that I sometimes converse with his brain?

-Curtis apparently survived his dive.  I wish I could hate him…I really do.  But I can’t.  Dammit.  That was one of the best diving catches I’ve ever seen.

-Brett Gardner faces Coke and strikes out.  One down.  Cokehead’s fired up tonight.

-Did you know Jeter had a two-run double earlier?  The TBS guys are happy to remind us.

-Jeter’s double “beat” Austin Jackson, they tell us when they mention it again five seconds later.

-Now a Jeter highlight package from TBS showcasing Derek’s newfound “power” as of late.  Why not a highlight reel of all his strikeouts?

-Jeter…slurp…slurp….it continues as he draws a walk.

-Grandy comes up to his own highlight package.  He flies out to center.  Two down.

-Robbie Cano hits one to Austin, too.  Inning over.  To the stretch, we go.

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH

-“The Invisible Man”, Alex Avila leads off and on the FIRST PITCH bounces out to third.  Avila is broken.

-Brian Anderson misidentified A-Rod as “Pudge Rodriguez”.  This man has a job broadcasting playoff games, folks.

-Betemit strikes out because he’s terrible.

-Jackson pops out to Cano.  We’re going back to New York.  Get your panic buttons ready, kids.

TOP OF THE EIGHTH

-Coke is still on the mound.  I don’t like this.  He’s best when his adrenaline’s going rushing in from the pen.  Should’ve went to Benoit or AlAl.

-A-Rod singles to center.  SEE?

-Teixeira’s next and hits a slow roller to third…Betemit just lets it roll and it’s an infield single.  Inge would have made the play.  Hate to be that guy, but it’s true.

-Speaking of which, it’s the eighth inning?  Why isn’t Inge playing third?

-Now it’s Swisher with two on, no out.  He singles to left, but A-Rod holds at third.  Loaded.  I hate being right all the time.  #FireLeyland

-Jesus Montero will hit for Posada here.  Leyland wakes up and comes to get Coke and bring in Al Alburquerque…three batters too late.  And with the bases loaded again…bad idea.  I defend Leyland more than anyone, but sometimes I want to beat him to death with a golf club.

-Chris Dickerson is running for Swisher.

-Balk by AlAl.  Good gawd.

YANKEES:  5, TIGERS:  1

-Base hit past a diving Betemit.  Run scores.  Inge would have caught it.  I’m serious.

YANKEES:  6, TIGERS:  1

-Russell Martin walks on four pitches.  AlAl is a deer in headlights as Leyland comes out to get him.  Who’s next?  Perry?

-Oh no, it’s Schlereth.  LOLeyland.

-Gardner’s the batter with the bases loaded and zero outs.  Base hit to center.  Bases still loaded.  This is torture.

YANKEES:  7, TIGERS:  1

-Captain Fantastic’s next.  Joy.  Jeter doesn’t check his swing on an 0-2 count and should be out.  But he’s Derek Jeter.  So they say he held up.  FIRE EVERY UMPIRE.

-Assbag strikes out anyway.  ONE OUT.  Finally.

-Avila takes a hard foul off the knee from Granderson.  He has taken a hellova beating this year. 

-TBS is calling the game over and won’t shut up about Game 5 now.  A comeback tonight would be the greatest thing in the history of things.  But I highly doubt it…I know.

-Wild pitch by Schlereth because he’s an abortion.

YANKEES:  8, TIGERS:  1

-Full count to Granderson and he K’s looking.  Two down.

-This half inning has taken seven hours.

-Just to be a dick, Cano has a two-run single.  I’m gonna go tie a noose in a minute.

YANKEES:  10, TIGERS:  1

-Oh, here comes Leyland.  BRING IN PENNY!

-Oh, it’s Perry instead.  A-Rod greets him with a single.  First and second, two outs.

-Tex flies out to the warning track.  Three outs.  FINALLY.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH

-Phil Hughes is the new Yankee pitcher.  Like it matters.

-Little Ramon strikes out.

-DY flies out to right.  Yeah, I’m starting to mail it in.  The Tigers are…why can’t I?

-Miguel up now and strikes out swinging at a pitch over his head.  Mercy rule!

TOP OF THE NINTH

-Perry gets Dickerson out to start the inning.  I didn’t see how because I was beating my head against the wall.

-Montero singles.  Is this what it’s like to feel like a Red Sox fan?  Well, other than the never showering?

-Double play.  Goodie.  COMEBACK TIME!

BOTTOM OF THE NINTH

-Victor leads off looking for a 10-run homer.  Boone Logan is the new pitcher for New York.  They should’ve let Bartolo Colon pitch for poops and giggles.

-It just occurred to me.  This may have been Magglio’s last game at the CoPa.  And Leyland left him on the bench.  Die in a fire, Jim.  Not that it would have mattered…

-V-Mart strikes out.

-The TBS announcers are telling Ernie Harwell stories.  Normally, I’d love this.  But right now, in this game, by these awful announcers…it annoys me.

-Ryan Raburn hits for Kelly.  He strikes out on a check swing.  If his name was Jeter, he’d still be batting.

-Two down for Jhonny.  Strike three.

FINAL SCORE:  YANKEES:  10, TIGERS:  1

That was terrible.  Yesterday, Jim Leyland looked like a genius.  Today, he looked like a buffoon.  That’s baseball.

Thursday, it’s Fister/Nova.  I still have faith.  Do you?