Oh Yeah? Well HE Started It!

EDIT:  I felt I should add this as a preface after the fact. If you are an Angel fan and reading this, good day. I assume you are here due to the good reverend linking from HH. Indeed, this is a Detroit Tigers blog. It's not a serious one, as I think you should know that. 90% of the time here is spent making doodie jokes about Tiger players. And sometimes I try to have fun at the expense of others attacking my favorite baseball team. That's all this is. If you take this too seriously, you have missed the point.You have a beautiful ballpark and I always liked Tim Salmon and Mark Langston.

My thanks to the Rev for clarifying many of his earlier comments on here in my comments section. I only wish he would have done so in his original post at HH. Sorry I called your mom a mean name. You're still an idiot, though. Have a nice day.

Today’s epic encounter of the Tigers and Angels featuring Cy Young candidates Justin Verlander and Jered Weaver was billed as must-see-tv. And it was, but not just for the pitching encounter.

JV took at no-hitter into the eighth inning today showing again why he is probably the best pitcher in baseball. Verlander is a cyborg.

Weaver pitched well, too, but showed that he’s capable of losing his cool quite easily when things don’t go his way on the field. He took exception to Magglio Ordonez watching his two-run homer, when in reality, Maggs was making sure it wasn’t going foul. He responded by cursing at Magglio and Miguel Cabrera who followed him in the order. Carlos Guillen took note of Weaver’s immature behavior and responded by striking a dramatic pose of his own after taking Jered deep in the 7th.

The umpires wisely issued warnings after that. Weaver, instead of keeping his cool in a close game, decided to ignore the warning and throw at Alex Avila’s head on the next pitch. He was promptly ejected and we probably would have had a brawl if JV didn’t have a no-hitter going.

Erick Aybar led off the next inning by trying to bunt his way on in the 8th inning of a no-hitter, one of those unwritten rules of baseball. After that, all unwritten rules were out the window.

The Tigers ended up winning, 3-2. Yay. But the classless nonsense wasn’t over yet. Check out the game recap at Halos Heaven, the Angels’ version of Bless You Boys, if you didn’t know. While BYB always remains a classy, well-written blog on the Tigers, judging by this piece, the same rules do not apply at HH. Even Bleacher Report wouldn’t publish this nonsense.

Please take the time to read that, if you don’t mind. Don’t worry, it’s a quick read. Form your own opinion. And then follow me after the jump. Because while my friends at BYB are a professional, classy bunch (when not discussing Scott Sizemore), I am not.

I am far from it.

Before we begin, I should point out that the writer at HH is named Rev Halofan. So, Rev Halofan, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME, I would like to preface this by saying your mother is a smelly cunt.

Much like Weaver today, you started it.

Pitcher Jered Weaver lit a fire under his lethargic teammates with a display of emotion at being shown up by has-been Carlos Guillen riding a lucky jetstream of a flyball.

Indeed. Carlos Guillen has seen better days. More the reason why Cy Young candidate Jered Weaver shouldn’t be getting rocked by such an AWFUL hitter. If only the Tigers would have sent up a player more in his prime…like Torii Hunter or Vernon Wells.

The irony is that Guillen could have displayed an iota of class and dropped his head and just scored what would prove to be the game-winner.

Sure. When a cocky, long-haired, homeless surfer looking pitcher like Weaver is dropping more f-bombs on my teammates and countrymen than Andrew Dice Clay stubbing his toe on an end table, the normal reaction to hitting a key homer off of him would be to act like it didn’t happen. Gotcha.

But instead, it being his 2nd HR of the season as he battles back from having to look at himself in the mirror each morning,

Untrue! Guillen is not allowed to have mirrors in his home. He is liable to trip and fall into the glass, doing unknown amounts of damange to his fragile body. Carlos is a human Operation board game. It’s a miracle he’s even playing, more reason for a celebration after a homer.

Carlos Guillen held on to his lemon-scented bat

I don’t know what this means. I can only assume the Angel bats must smell like a rally monkey’s asshole.

and eyeballed Weaver in a one-upsmanship machismo call-out

To be serious for a moment, Carlos shouldn’t have done it. I get why he did it, but I personally disagreed with it. He should have been the better man, something that Weaver never will be. If you don’t believe me, check out the Cy Young voting at the end of the year.

(Unlike Weaver, Carlos Guillen is a sociopathic DUI contortionist, and his bloated frame makes everyone realize he is a staggering puffy boozing headcase with nothing to live for).

Obviously, Mr. Halofan has confused Carlos with Miguel Cabrera, who was arrested for a DUI in the offseason. An honest mistake, I guess. I mean, all THOSE PEOPLE look alike, don’t they? And hell, Cabrera’s only one of the two or three best players in baseball. I can see how a professional writer could make that mistake.

Oh, wait. No I can’t. You’re a piece of garbage who should have his reproductive organs removed for the safety of us all.

Well after being mocked by the scum of the earth,

DUI = scum of the earth. Seems fair. I mean rapists, child fuckers, murderers, and AJ Pierzynski all seem like better choices. Or maybe choose ex-Angels pitcher Donnie Moore, who shot his wife in front of their children before killing himself  in 1989. But I guess I’ll respect your opinion. You dumb shit.

the unredeemable alky gutterswine that is Carlos (hic) Guillen,

Wrong again. But yes, all those brown folks look alike. Keep going. Hic.

Were you drunk while writing this? It’s the only explanation I can come up with.

Jered threw high above the helmet of the next batter and was tossed from the game, raging against the dying of the light all the way to the showers.

He threw at Alex Avila’s head, you gash. He’s an immature fuck and deserves a suspension. If he had any balls, he would have sucked it up and shut up the Tigers with his pitching. You know, like a guy named Verlander did to the Angels.

And “raging against the dying of the light all the way to the showers”? That is about as well-written as the plot to a porno movie.

Tempers flared because Venezuelan socialist Magglio Ordonez
Oh, fuck. Here we go. Politics. Die, please. Die now. Die, die, die. This is baseball. Leave politics and religion out of it.

had decided to admire an earlier HR,

Which was going down the left field line and he was trying to see if it was fair. But whatever. Magglio Ordonez is a cocky punk kid known for showing people up.

Oh, wait. No he isn’t. He’s a respected veteran and one of the classiest people in the game. Unlike Jered Weaver who looks like a trailer park trash broad you might see on Cops.

hoping that the pellet shrinking into the distance will recur in the prostate of his beloved Hugo Chavez, dying in a Cuban cancer ward despite the millions Ordonez has showered on his regime.

Tell me. Where exactly does the Klan meet out in Los Angeles Anaheim? I’m just curious so I can loft some grenades at your next meeting.

Justin Verlander was cruising to a no-hitter with the Angels politely accommodating him. With Weaver's awakening the belly of the beast, Erick Aybar

Or was it Maicer Izturis…THOSE PEOPLE ALL LOOK ALIKE.

started a mini-rally with a bunt single ruled an error.

The play in question was an 8th inning bunt to Verlander. Bunting that late in a no-hitter is considered a no-no in baseball’s “unwritten rules”. Many are letting it slide since it was a close game and Aybar bunts frequently.
Personally, I thought it was a bush league attempt by Aybar. But Verlander fielded it in time and would have clearly thrown him out if his throw were on target. But like most Tiger pitchers, Verlander sucks on defense and the ball went toward right field. Calling it a “bunt single ruled an error” is yet another immature, bullshit move by Mr. Halofan.

No wonder he supports a whining bitch like Weaver.

He then scored from 3B on a fielder's choice when he evaded a tag near home plate by a shaken not stirred Verlander.

Oh, is Verlander the drunk now? The comedy and/or inaccuracy never ends.

Maicer Izturis then got a base hit that the official Comerika

Spell check is for Venezuelan socialist pussies.

scorekeeper just couldn't tuck into her teabag, making it a 3-2 game.

Sour grapes taste like shit, don’t they?

While Guillen's HR was the difference, his showboating strut cost his teammate a piece of history

Guillen didn’t get the hit off of Verlander. Izturis did. Are you confusing the Latin players on BOTH clubs now?

How did Guillen’s “showboating” cost Verlander anything? My head hurts.

and that will surely destroy the morale and chemistry in Jim Leyland's clubhouse.

Indeed. I can only assume that none of the Tigers are speaking to each other anymore. It seems logical that prevailing 3-2 over a pitcher like Weaver, having players cursed and thrown at, and tying their biggest lead in the AL Central this year will not bring them closer together at all.

You are a wise man, Mr. Halofan. SB Nation is lucky to have you. So are the Disney California Aneheim Los Angeles Angels of Aneheim readers.

Die in a grease fire, you ignorant fuck.

The Mud Hen Gang Bids Casper Farewell

BRAD THOMAS: So, when’s me ‘ol mate supposed to be he’ah? Ah ain’t got all day, ya know. Wastin’ time ah could be off findin’ me a sheila. That’s what he-ah’d be off’a doin’.
BRANDON INGE: C’mon, Brad. Be serious. Our friend just got traded. He’s probably down in the dumps and depressed. He needs us. We’re his friends…no, more than that. We’re his brothers of the diamond.
WILL RHYMES: I can’t believe The Balla’s leaving us. It isn’t fair, guys! It isn’t fair!

/starts crying
CLETE THOMAS: Can’t believe y’all tricked me into coming to ‘dis damn airport. Man, you pricks lied to ‘ol Clete. I thought we was headin’ up to the bar to watch some Brickyard qualifying. Casper’s an ass, I’m glad he’s leavin’, and he can go fu-

INGE: Enough, Clete! Enough of that malarkey! William, it’s going to be fine. Casper’s going to be just nifty in Seattle! He might even get to start every day. We should be happy for him.

RHYMES: (sniffle) I know…but…

/starts crying again

BRAD: Bloody ‘ell. Junior, tell ya what. You stop that’a cryin’, and when we get back, ‘ol Brad’ll strip ya down to ya diaper and let ya play in the Fifth Third sprinkl’ah, m’kay?

RHYMES: For real? No foolin’? Yay!

/taxi pulls up

CLETE: ‘Bout time.

/spits dip in Natty Ice can

INGE: Here he is, guys. Try not to look sad. Be strong for Casper, okay?

/taxi door flies open

CASPER WELLS: Wussup, wussup, WASSUP! Upstate muthafuckin’ Ballin in the pussy poundin’ hizzle, bitches! What up, B?

INGE: Hey, buddy.

WELLS: Big Willy style! Down low…of course.

/slaps five

RHYMES: Hey, Baller! You knew we wouldn’t let you leave without saying goodbye!

WELLS: Sup, Crocodile Dundizzle!

BRAD: G’day, Caspah.

WELLS: That’s Balla, son. And BIG CLETE! My hillbilly brotha from another…

CLETE: Shut the fuck up and get on your plane. I ain’t missin’ Jimmie Johnson for this sh…

INGE: CLETE! Be nice! Sorry, buddy. We knew you’d probably be feeling down and well, we just HAD to come and wish you a bon farewell!

WELLS: Down? The Balla feelin’ down? Shee-it, B. I ain’t eva had a bad day in my life, kid! The Balla’s never felt better, son! If I was any better, I’d havta be fucking TWINS to enjoy it all, you feel me? Seattle FUCKIN’ Washington, yo! A whole new city ‘o’ snatch ‘fo Da Balla to go Ballin’ in, you get me?

RHYMES: I feel ya, Baller! Hooray!

WELLS: See? Big Willie get it. But damn, B…don’t be sad. Upstate Balla gon SHINE in Seattle, son! Upstate Balla gon REPRESENT! ‘Dem bitches all hopped up on Starbucks ‘n’ shit? Oh, hell to da yeah! It be rainin’ and Da Balla comin’ to the rescue of some hoes? Usin’ my sack as an umbrella ‘n’ shit? Oh, damn. And they got them Asian broads out there, fellas. Oh, the Asian girls be LOVIN’ some of Da Balla! Wait up, yo…speakin’ of Asians, where my boy Sum Yun Guy at? I know you didn’t roll up in this bitch without my boy!

INGE: Yeah. About Fu…he’s on his way.

BRAD: That bloke needs a car.

RHYMES: He has a car…sort of. It’s the only way he’ll go anywhere.

CLETE: Shoot. Here dat crazy fuck come now.
INGE: How embarrassing.

WELLS: FU! What up, son!
FU-TE NI: Herrrrrro, Barra! I make it just in time! Blandon, you prease give tip to Ni’s dliver?

INGE: Sigh…guess so.

CLETE: Dumbass.

/whistles “I Love This Bar”

NI: You rearry reaving us, Barra? Become a Malinell? In Seattre?

WELLS: Yeah, kid. Da Balla’s headed out west. Gonna play with your brother Ichiro ‘n’ shit.

NI: Ichilo not my blothel…

INGE: He’s kidding, Fu. Yeah, Casper, we’re all gonna miss you. But at least Charlie’s going with you. That’s nice.

WELLS: Fuck Charlie. You ever walk up to some table of fine ass bitches and hafta spit game with some fool named “Furbush” next to you? Tramps all start laughin’ ‘an shit? Worst wingman ever, son. Well, other than Clete there.

CLETE: Suck my dick, boy. Can we get the fuck outta here yet?

/blows nose on rebel flag hankie

INGE: Well, be that as it may, it’s been a pleasure working with ya, Casper. We wish you nothing but the best of luck as a Mariner. Well, at least when you’re not playing us, right? Ha, ha , ha, ha!

RHYMES: Yeah, Baller! It’s not gonna be the same without ‘cha!

WELLS: Man, you bitches be too much. Ya know, I’m gonna miss you muthafuckas, too. But I gotta confess some shit at’cha. Da Balla…he ain’t gonna be Upstate Balla no ‘mo in Seattle, son.

NI: Whaa? No mole Barra? All you selious?

WELLS: Well, Seattle’s a different crib, ya know? Gotta update the image, son. That’s why from now on, Upstate Balla’s dead, yo. From now on, you can cell me Pacific Northwest Balla, fool!

BRAD: I like it, mate. Good’un.

RHYMES: Pacific Northwest Baller! Awesome!

CLETE: You still a bitch.

/sniffs armpits while belching

INGE: Whatever works for you, pal. I think your plane’s boarding, man. I guess this is goodbye.

WELLS: Shit, guess so, B. Thanks for payin’ all my debts I owed. And those two abortions. I still say those bitches be lyin’, but yeah. I know they all said you’s a sucka for that shit, but I’ll drop those ducketts back on ya, right? Soon as I’m set. Ya feel me?

INGE: Sure, pal. No rush.

WELLS: Yeah. Right. Clete, you redneck fuck. I ain’t sad to see leave yo ass. Tell yo crazy ass family they can quit threatenin’ me now since we ain’t playin’ ‘fo the same job, right?

CLETE: Whatever. I hope your fuckin’ plane crashes, you stupid shit.

WELLS: Brad? You suck as a pitcher, but you a damn good wingman. Bitches be lovin’ that stupid accent of yours. Gonna miss that. Remember what Da Balla taught ya?

BRAD: Koalas are for pettin’, not for lovin’, eh mate?

WELLS: Shit, not that. Well, yeah, THAT, but the other thing ‘bout America.

BRAD: Ha, oh yeah. No means yeah with the shelias here.

WELLS: That’s my boy, yo! BIG WILLY! You keep that scrappy shit up, you hear me, son?

RHYMES: I sure do, Baller! I’m gonna miss you!

/jumpes into Casper’s arms and hugs him

WELLS: A’ight…a’ight….that’s enough, dawg. Shit. Guess I’m outta this bitch. Peace, yo!

NI: Wait! What about Ni, Barra? You no say goodbye to Ni?

WELLS: I just playin’, dawg. I’m gonna miss you most of all, Jackie Chan. You my boy, son. In fact, you know what?

NI: What…you rove me?

WELLS: Naw, I ain’t down with that shit, son. Sorry. No, I’m ‘a gon do you a favor. From now on, YOU da new Upstate Balla, son! Fu-Te Kawasaki’s the new Balla of Toledo, you feel me?

NI: All you selious? I new Barra of Toredo?

WELLS: Don’t let a brotha down, yo.

NI: No way! I no ret you down, Pacific Nolthwest Barra! Da bitches be tlippin' if they no want Ni now!

WELLS: Good to hear, New Upstate Balla. A’ight. I’m out this bitch. Seeya next year when we WHOOP on yo ass!

RHYMES: Bye, Baller! You’re my hero!

BRAD: Later, mate! Good luck!

CLETE: Crash. I ain’t jokin’.

INGE: Seeya, Casper! Say hi to Nate for me if you see him!

NI: Goodbye, my fliend!

/kneels and whispers

My best fliend.

/single tear falls from eye
From the real Casper Wells’ twitter on Saturday:

“Very emotional day as I take this big step in my life and career. I will miss the city of Detroit, the friends in the organization, my brothers on the team, and the Motown fans. Detroit has helped to make me the person I am today and I will forever be grateful to the 313.”

Classy stuff, Casper. Thanks for everything and I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance in Detroit that you probably deserved.

Take care and good luck. Balla.

Something to make you smile ...

Hi There,

The following questions were set in last year's SAT examination (Scholastic Aptitude Test)
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds). Ahem and guess what ... they will have children!

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

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Byeeeee ! from the land of the Tartan, Kate xxx.

Fister? Damn Near Killed Her...

The Tigers have reportedly traded Charlie Furbush, Casper Wells, AA thirdbaseman Francisco Martinez, and possibly another A-ball pitcher to Seattle for starter Doug Fister and reliever David Pauley.

Via MLB Trade Rumors:

Fister, 27, has a 3.33 ERA, 5.5 K/9, 2.0 BB/9, 0.43 HR/9, and 46.4% groundball rate in 146 innings this year.  His walk rate ranks seventh in the AL, his innings total tenth.  His 6.95 innings per start average is a welcome contrast from the Tigers' non-Verlander starters, who all average around six.

This is awesome for us, kids. I was a fan of Casper, but let's face facts. He didn't seem to be in favor with manager Jim Leyland and wasn't going to contribute to this team this year. He's blocked by Boesch and Jackson in the outfield and I'd expect the team to get a free agent right fielder in the offseason preventing from being anything more than a 4th outfielder beyond.

Furbush leaving sucks because it kills any ideas I may have had for a Fister/Furbush crime fighting duo. Oh well, I guess there's still Fister/Purcey. Well, unless the Tigers decide to drop Purcey into an active volcano, another move I'd be willing to support.

FMart is highly touted, but with Castellanos in the system, his loss is easier to take.

The 28 year-old Pauley is a right-handed reliever that is having his best season as a pro. He's 5-4 with a 2.15 ERA in 54.1 innings, with an impressive 0.99 WHIP and a 1.7 WAR.  He's struck out 34 (5.6 K/9) and has only walked 16 (4 were intentional). He is hopefully the right-handed reliever we've been looking for, especially since he actually, you know, THROWS STRIKES.

Both pitchers are cheap and under team control until 2015. Bonus.

When Verlander, Porcello, Scherzer, or Penny haven't started, the Tigers are 4-16 this year. This move was necessary and well done. Bravo Dave Dombrowski.

I love this trade. The first person to bring up Jarrod Washburn gets punched in the kidneys.

Meanwhile...A New Player Arrives in Cleveland

MANNY ACTA: Team! Gather around. First off, I just want to say how proud I am of all of you. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY gave you men a chance at finishing any higher than fourth in this division. And look at you. Second place at the end of July. Despite injuries, inexperience, and just plain being overmatched much of the time, you’ve all played hard-nosed baseball, took names, and kicked ass. I can’t thank you enough. Well, except you, Fausto. You suck.

ACTA: Anyway, the trade deadline is almost here. And believe it or not, ownership believes in you guys and even though we’re in a playoff race and still can’t draw flies to our ballpark, they’ve decided to be buyers and get us some help. It’s no secret that our outfield lacks punch with Grady on the DL yet again.
GRADY SIZEMORE: I’m still leading the league in attempted rapes, though, Skip!

ACTA: Shut up, Grady. Like I was saying, they’ve made a trade with the Cubs to bring us a real international star. A Japanese star.

ACTA: No, not Godzilla, Trav. Gentlemen, let me introduce you to your new teammate, Mr. Kosuke Fukudome!

/clubhouse door opens

KOSUKE FUKUDOME: Herro Creverand prayers. I am honoled to pray fol you shitty.


CARMONA: Play shitty? That another shot at me? Man…

ACTA: City, Fausto. He’s honored to play for this city. Never speak again.


FUKUDOME: Choo? Who is Choo?

ACTA: Travis, don’t be silly. This is Kosuke Fukudome. Not Shin-Soo Choo. Choo’s on the disabled list, too. You know that.


SIZEMORE: Wait, I thought he said “fuck you, do me”. Is this some Asian pimp? Where the hoes at, Short Round?

ACTA: Guys, please. Fukudome is our new outfielder from Japan. Choo is our old outfielder from Korea. There’s a difference. Don’t be racist.

/puts on hat with Chief Wahoo on it

FUKUDOME: Kolea? Did you say Kolea? Where is Kolean balbalian?

ACTA: Barbarian? You don’t like Koreans, Kosuke?

FUKUDOME: Japan and Korea have curtular diffelences. That all I say on matter.


ACTA: Hafner! Shut your ignorant pie hole! Sorry, Kosuke. These boys don’t mean any harm, but they’re not the most politically correct guys in the world.

/puts on Chief Wahoo t-shirt

FUKUDOME: Is okay. I happy to be hele and herp team win.

/door flies open


FUKUDOME: I new prayer. You have plobrem, Kolean dog?

CHOO: Dog? DOG? How dale you, Japanese pig. At reast realn ranguage befole coming hele.

FUKUDOME: Me realn ranguage? You the one tarking funny.

CHOO: All you selious? I no can undelstand you!

FUKUDOME: I no can undelstand you!

CARMONA: Does anyone want to hang out with me later?


ACTA: Okay, enough of this crap! Guys, this needs to stop. Choo, you’ve been a beast for us here in Cleveland. Just because no one else in the country has a clue who you are doesn’t mean you’re not one of the best players in the game. And Kosuke, you were brought in to be a key part of this team’s playoff run. This isn’t about Korea and Japan. This is about Cleveland. This is about winning this division! This is about making it okay for the nearly five thousand fans that support us to be PROUD of being Indians fans again! You hear me?

FUKUDOME: I heal you. Many aporogies.


ACTA: Choo?


ACTA:  Quiet!  Shin-Soo...are you in?

CHOO: Hmph. I good teammate. We pray togethel in peace.

ACTA: There we go! One big, happy family! And Carmona.


ACTA: This is great. Get ready for the stretch run, boys! We’re gonna give this city something to be proud of!

/puts on Chief Wahoo jacket

SIZEMORE: Sweet. So hey, Kosuke, do they have roofies in Japan?

FUKUDOME: What is loofie?

SIZEMORE: Heh heh…I’ll show you.

A Mad Libs Recap: Angels 12, Tigers 7

I don’t like writing game recaps. When I first started DesigNate Robertson, initially it was going to be a much more serious blog featuring analysis, recaps, and player profiles with the occasional humor thrown in. Quickly, I got bored with that and went to the current approach of “throw crap against the wall, see what sticks, and say the ‘f’ word a lot” format that many of you have grown to know and love/loathe.

Oftentimes, I’ll hear from some more respected authors of other sites that tell me they wish they could just let loose, curse, and say what they really think like I do here. They’re unable to do that since they’re on sites that don’t allow that kind of nonsense. They have to remain professional, something I respect because I wouldn’t be able to keep my composure like they do. That’s a big part of my enjoyment here. It’s only me here, I don’t answer to anyone, and I say whatever stupid things come into my head.

But in doing so, I turn off as many readers as I do entertain others. It’s a tradeoff that I came to terms with a long time ago. But still, maybe I do curse too much. Maybe there’s something else I could do to creatively (and humorously) express myself other than calling Don Kelly filthy names.

In a response I left on my MILDLY successful twitter account (@DNR_Rogo) to one of those respected author-types today who remarked that he wished he could curse in his game recap, I suggested that instead of cursing, he replace any curse word with a Mad Lib type word. That sounded funny to me. And suddenly, the 40 watt light bulb went off over my head. “Durr…I could do that at DNR. Might be funny. Harf.”

So that’s what I’m going to do. The following is a recap of today’s 12-7 loss to the Angels, done Mad Libs style. Whenever I feel the need to curse, I’ll replace the curse word with another word from a common theme. Today’s theme is after the jump.

Hillbilly pile of (Greedo), Brad Penny, started for the Tigers today against the Angels. Erick Aybar led things off for them with a bunt single. What a (Dark Sith)y start. Amazingly, he got thrown out by Victor Martinez, catching for the Tigers today, despite V-Mart having the arm strength of a limp-wristed (Ewok). Penny would get out of the first unscathed.

Joel Pinero started for LA which was scary as (Droid) since his best start of the season came against Detroit when he allowed only one run in seven innings against them. The lucky son of a (Hoth) has been successful in his career against the Tigers, as he entered the game 8-3 with a 3.16 ERA against them. In the first, Brennan Boesch would walk, but Maggs would line into a double play swinging at the first pitch. (Jar Jar Binks).

In the second, Mark Trumbo hit a two-run homer off Penny, his second (Palpatine)ing homer off Penny this year. Peter Bourjos followed that with a double and .180 hitting Jeff Mathis followed that with an RBI single making it 3-0. You’ve got to be (Wookie)ing me, I thought.

Miguel Cabrera led off the bottom of the second with a homer to center. Big (Rancor)ing hit, but that’s all they’d get in the second.

In the bottom of the third, Jim Leyland was ejected for the fourth time in the past month or so, this time for arguing that Austin Jackson was hit by a pitch. Of course the (Dagobah)ing umps missed it and called it a foul ball. I can only assume that Jim told one of the umps to go (Forest Moon of Endor) himself. Oddly, it was the first base ump that ejected him. Someone really should file a complaint with MLB about the umpires continuing to (Use the force) us in the (R2-D2). With two outs, Boesch hit an RBI single to make it 3-2.

In the fourth, Howie Kendrick led off with a single. The next batter was Trumbo who promptly tripled in Kendrick. 4-2. Trumbo’s a mother(Sarlacc). Bourjos quickly followed that with an RBI double. 5-2 now, as the bottom of the Angels lineup is killing Penny.

At this point, Penny and V-Mart started arguing on the mound about something. I’m not great at reading lips, but I think Penny called Victor a filthy (Mon Mothma) while V-Mart said that Penny’s breath smelled like Alyssa Milano’s reeking (Lando Calrissian). Jeff Jones had to come out and break them up. As V-Mart walked away, Penny grabbed his (light saber). Classy, Brad. Classy.

With one out, it was Aybar again with an RBI single to make it 6-2. Exit Penny, enter Charlie Fur(Boba Fett). Torii Hunter singled in Aybar to make it 7-2. At this point, I started screaming “(Death Star) you” over and over again. Fur(Yoda) then induced a double play to get out of it.

Bottom of fourth, Cabrera doubles and V-Mart singles to make it first and third, no outs. Don’t (Jawa) this up, I thought. Peralta made it a Venezualan trifecta with an RBI single to make it 7-3. Two batters later, Andy Dirks had a two run single. 7-5. Awesome. That’s the end for Pinero. Amazed we actually hit the son of a (Stromtrooper) today.

McClendon pinch hit for walking pile of horse (Kenobi) Don Kelly in the 4th inning with Wilson Betemit, immediately making him my second favorite Tigers manager ever, after Sparky. Sorry, Tram. Boesch with his second RBI single made it 7-6.

For some reason, Lloyd had Chance Ruffin pitching after that. Didn’t make much sense to have Fur(Millenium Falcon) in there for only two-thirds of an inning and it only being the fifth. Chance did a good job before turning the ball over to David Purcey in the 7th. This is where the (Rebel Base)ing game went to (It’s a trap!).

Old as (Cloud City) Bobby Abreu led off with a single. Then Purcey walked Vernon Wells. Alberto Callaspo tried to bunt, but (Anakin)head Purcey couldn’t throw a strike and walked him, too. Bases loaded for Howie Kendrick and Purcey gets to a 2-0 count. Lloyd amazingly then said “(Phantom Menace) it” and pulled him mid-batter. I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen that happen.

Coke entered and gave up a two-run single to Kendrick. 9-6 Angels. Mother(Naboo)ing Trumbo followed with a two run double. 11-6. With one out and up five runs in the seventh, Jeff Mathis drops a bunt. I immediately call for Coke to (Padme)ing drill someone in the (Wicket). Too bad he was too big a (Qui-gon) to enforce the unwritten rules. A groundout ended up bringing in Trumbo, making it 12-6.

Then, just to be (Mace Windu)s, the Angels brought in Fernando Rodney in the bottom of the seventh. He gets a 1-2-3 inning. Go (Tauntaun) yourself, Rodney.

Scott Downs followed Rodney and allowed a solo homer to Betemit making it 12-7. That would be it for the scoring as the Angels prevailed. This team (Sand people)ing (Alderaan)es me off sometimes.

Tiger Heroes:

Alex Avila, Jose Valverde, and Ramon Santiago because they didn’t play in this (scruffy nerf herder) of a game.

Tiger Goats:

Brad Penny: 3.1 IP, 9 H, 7 ER, 1 BB, 0 K

David Purcey: 0.0 IP, 1 H, 3 ER, 2 BB, 0 K

Magglio Ordonez: 0-5, 5 LOB

By the way, Purcey has now moved past Don Kelly and Brad Thomas as the member of the Tiger organization I’d most like to see get gang (TIE Fighter)ed in the (Jedi). Purcey is awful.

There. A nice, clean recap with no swearing. Wasn’t that a nice change of pace?

/re-reads piece

Holy (Jabba), this was terrible…sorry.

The Secret Manager Search, Volume 5

Detroit Tigers Headquarters, Detroit, MI
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Yes, sir. You asked for me? I got here as soon as I could.
MIKE ILITCH: It’s about time, Donald!

DOMBROWSKI: David, sir.

ILITCH: That’s what I said. Now Dan, do you value your job? Are you aware that your contract is almost up?

DOMBROWSKI: Of course, sir. Of course.

ILITCH: Well, my pool boy informed me that we lost two of three to the White Sox this week. It doesn’t seem like you value your job, does it? We should be winning more. If Paco the pool boy is unhappy, than my Marion is unhappy for some reason. I don’t quite get that. But if Marion’s unhappy, well, then I am unhappy. How hard is it to sign a player or two, Doug? Huh? If I wanted to, I could pick up the phone and have Kris Draper or Rob Niedermayer in a Tigers uniform by noon tomorrow!

DOMBROWSKI: I’m sorry, sir. It’s…it’s Leyland, sir. He must be the problem.

ILITCH: Then you’d better have a solution. It’s been a while since you brought me a new managerial prospect, D’Brickashaw. Who do you have in mind now?

DOMBROWSKI: D’Brickashaw? Really? Um…err…give me five minutes!

/4 minutes, 53 seconds later

DOMBROWSKI: I have him, sir. I’m, uh, you’ll be impressed, I’m sure.

ILITCH: Wonderful, Duke! Where is he?

/door flies open

EAT EM UP TIGERS GUY: Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up! Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up!

DOMBROWSKI: Here he is, sir. A man with deep ties to the city of Detroit. Much like yourself.

ILITCH: Excellent. A Michigan native, that’s nice. And what is your name, sir?

EEUT GUY: Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up!

ILITCH: I see. Well, Mr. Up, thank you for coming on such short notice. Dennis, wherever did you find this man?

DOMBROWSKI: Um…well…he’s an associate of the management at Comerica Park, as I understand it. He’s been scouting MLB baseball for years, I believe. He attends every Tiger home game, too. Um, isn’t that right?


/urinates on floor

DOMBROWSKI: Good lord.

ILITCH: Splendid. A scout. It would be nice to have a managerial candidate with a solid baseball background for a change. And don’t worry about the urine. We have people to clean that. Happens to me all the time. Tell me, Mr. Up, how would you handle holding off the other teams in our division this year?

EEUT GUY: Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up!

/steals all M&M’s from candy dish

ILITCH: Exactly! Eat them up! You, sir, are a go-getter! David, why didn’t you bring me this man sooner?

DOMBROWSKI: Well, sir, I…oh my, did you call me David?

ILITCH: Indeed I did, Dave. Mr. Up, would you care for a slice of Little Caesars pizza?


/eats entire slice in one bite

//wipes mouth on Dombrowski’s sleeve

DOMBROWSKI: Yuck. Please, sir.

ILITCH: Now, in regards to the coaching staff…is there anyone you’d want to keep on, if you were hired?

EEUT GUY: Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up!

ILITCH: A cannibal, huh? Hmm. Not sure if we can condone that here. What about baseball philosophy? Are you a fan of bunting? Hit and run?

EEUT GUY: Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up! EAT ‘EM UP!

/shits pants

ILITCH: Oooh. Um, Mr. Up, what kind of lineup would you prefer to put on the field?


ILITCH: Hmm. David, may I have a moment in private with you?

DOMBROWSKI: Um…of course, sir.

ILITCH: (whispering) My friend, I think the management at Comerica Park may have misled you. I don’t think this man is an associate of theirs. In fact, judging by the bugs crawling around in his hair and the extreme amount on feces on his clothes, he may even be homeless. I’m afraid you may have had another joke played on you today, though it was a good one. He had me fooled, too, and I’m not an easy man to put one over on.

DOMBROWSKI: (whispering) You don’t say. I’m in shock.

ILITCH: Yes. I’m afraid so. This will not do. Mr. Up? I’m sorry, but I think we’re going to stay with Mr. Leyland for a while longer. Thank you for stopping by. If you’ll excuse me, I have to meet Marion at the tennis club. We are playing the Fords in doubles today. Good day, sir. And Diego? Start winning.


DOMBROWSKI: It’s Dave…sir. Sigh. That went well.

EEUT GUY: Perhaps I should have informed him of my extensive research in sabermetrics and how I feel the team could increase their winning percentage by a significant amount by focusing on athletes with a higher on base percentage, as well as stockpiling draft picks for some of our lower pitching prospects that may be blocked at the higher organizational levels.


EEUT GUY: What a shame. Well, I bid you good day, sir. May I have a dollar?



Tiger Droppings: 2011 Trade Deadline Edition

We are officially less than a week away from the trade deadline. The Tigers have been connected to pretty much every starting pitcher with a pulse. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing.

Today, we'll cover the starters the Tigers have been linked to, Chance Ruffin's debut, attempted arson of Don Kelly, me always being right, half-assed parenting, are more.

Let the Droppings begin!

The Search for a Starter, But Not THAT Asshole! Noooooo!

Like I said, there’s a bunch of names floating around, considering the Tigers’ need for another starter. They’ve given up on Phil Coke, at least for this year, and Below/Furbush/Oliver/Turner is not the answer if we’re going to make a serious playoff push.

So here’s a list of the guys we’ve been connected to so far, their current stats, and the good/bad of each of them in my warped eyes.

Hiroki Kuroda, Los Angeles: 6-12, 3.19 ERA, 127 IP, 97 K, 1.22 WHIP

The Good: Solid pitcher, good control, proven track record, unlimited dumb racist humor potential for this site.

The Bad: Old, has no-trade clause, NL-to-AL fear, Dodgers may want a lot.

Verdict: I’m sold, but only if we don’t give up one of our top three prospects.
Erik Bedard, Seattle: 5-3, 2.82 ERA, 83 IP, 90 K, 1.11 WHIP

The Good: An ace when healthy, M’s won’t want the world for him, lefty strikeout machine.

The Bad: Never healthy, seriously he’s the Carlos Guillen of pitchers.

Verdict: He’s the biggest high risk/high reward guy out there. I say do it if we can pull it off for low level prospects like the Betemit deal. Then, keep him in a bubble at all times.
Ubaldo Jimenez, Colorado: 6-9, 4.20 ERA, 122 IP, 116 K, 1.34 WHIP

The Good: Young, hard-thrower, ace-like talent when at his best.

The Bad: Will cost all our top prospects, he’s overrated, velocity is down lately.

Verdict: No thanks. He scares me for some reason. And I have a man-crush on Jacob Turner and don't want to give him up.
Aaron Harang, San Diego: 9-2, 3.45 ERA, 104.1 IP, 72 K, 1.30 WHIP

The Good: What you see is what you get, experienced, quality starter.

The Bad: Petco has influenced his numbers this year, I’m a fan of his (which means he probably sucks).

Verdict: I’m for it, if the price is right. But we probably shouldn’t. Does that make sense? I often like players that suck for some reason.  See Higginson, Bobby, Raburn, Ryan, Anderson, Josh, Tomko, Brett, etc.
Jeremy Guthrie, Baltimore: 4-14, 4.33 ERA, 137.1 IP, 85 K, 1.35 WHIP

The Good: Will eat innings, much better than Baltimore record shows, solid history.

The Bad: Gives up a lot of homers, smells like Baltimore.

The Verdict: Won’t be the worst thing in the world, but I’m hoping for better.
Jason Marquis, Washington: 8-5, 3.95 ERA, 120.2 IP, 71 K, 1.42 WHIP

The Good: Having arguably his best season, K rate is highest since 2004

The Bad: Never pitched in AL, expensive contract, gives up hits like Paris Hilton gives up her snatch.

The Verdict: Avoid. Please.
Wandy Rodriguez, Houston: 6-7, 3.60 ERA, 115 IP, 100 K, 1.32 WHIP

The Good: Good health history, lefty, name is “Wandy”.

The Bad: Never pitched in AL, Dominicans lie about their age, K rate is down

The Verdict: Houston’s probably going to want too much. Pass.
Doug Fister, Seattle: 3-11, 3.30 ERA, 139 IP, 84 K, 1.17 WHIP

The Good: 6’8 lefty, the Fister/Furbush combo would be EPIC, doesn’t give up homers

The Bad: Seattle fucked us last time we tried this, has benefitted from Seattle’s D (ours sucks).

The Verdict: Worth a chance if we can’t get a bigger, more dependable name.
Jason Vargas, Seattle: 6-9, 4.09 ERA, 134.1 IP, 86 K, 1.27 WHIP

The Good: Young, cheap, lefty, consistent.

The Bad: No fastball, see Doug Fister for the rest.

The Verdict:  Maybe...I don't know enough about him. Sorry.
Who do I think we’re going to get? I have no idea. My dream scenario would be to have a healthy Bedard, but that’s quite a gamble. It’s DD’s job on the line…not mine. He’s in a tough position where he needs to win now. I just hope he doesn’t overpay with the team’s future to make it look like he did his best.

You tell me. Who do you want? Bedard? Wandy? NATE?

No Chance in Hell

The newest “Kill Jim Leyland” topic going around is how he brought Chance Ruffin in for his major league debut to face Carlos Quentin with the bases loaded in Monday’s game against the hated White Sox. Ruffin gave up a double to Quentin and later gave up two homers. People are all over the Marlboro Man for his choice in putting Ruffin in that spot.

To those people, I say, “Eat a bag of pig shit.” Quentin’s a righty. It was the 5th inning. He can’t blow out the bullpen that early in the game. Coke, Furbush or Purcey (or leaving the struggling Below in) only would have played into Quentin’s strength lately, as his OPS is nearly 70 points higher against lefties this year. Alburquerque was better served to be saved for later in the game, and was just as likely to walk Quentin as he was to strike him out. The White Sox had no scouting on Ruffin yet. And finally, Ruffin’s been a closer in Double-A and Triple-A this year. The kid should be used to pressure.

The only other pitcher I think could have been used in that position was Don Kelly. He’s been unhittable out of the pen this year.

Is it the way I would have preferred to see Ruffin make his debut? Fuck and no, it wasn’t. We shouldn't have been in that position anyway, if the umpires didn't have a vendetta against us. And if he would have got Quentin out, Leyland would have been complimented for having faith in his young pitcher. But since he hung a slider, Leyland’s an asshole.

Fuck you, Tiger fans.

But yeah, we could really use another righty reliever before the trade deadline. That, or we need Ryan Perry to get his head out of his ass.

Don Kelly is a Flamer

If you missed Justin Verlander giving Don Kelly a hotfoot in the dugout the other day, here’s a link to the video. It’s definitely worth checking out for a laugh. Don Kelly on fire was about the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life, second only to Magglio’s homer off of Huston Street in 2006.

If you’re like me (and if you are, shoot yourself), you were screaming, “FINISH HIM!” I was hoping David Purcey would hug Kelly while it was going on, due to him being composed of 95% gasoline. It was quite the fun moment to watch live.

I also had the following lyrics in my head all night: “We don’t need Don Kelly, let the motherfucker burn. Burn motherfucker…burn.”

I have issues.

Great Moments in Parenting

You may recall a week ago, Your Party Host bravely caught a screaming line drive foul ball off the bat of Alex Avila (on 800 bounces) at the Tigers/A’s game. Well, Friday, I proudly presented it to my 7 year old. Surely, he would appreciate such an unbelievable treasure.

No. Not my little spoiled brat. He looked it and quipped, “It’s not even autographed”, and tossed it aside carelessly and went back to his stupid Pokemon video game. SCREW YOU, ROGO JUNIOR! Ugh! FINE. Ball is mine now! Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have prematurely ejaculated into your mother, you little bastard!

I kid. I think. But the ball’s now residing on my creepy shrine of Tiger artifacts I’ve collected over the years with my Sparky plaque, my bobbleheads, my annoying waving towel from the 2006 Magglio game, and other silly souvenirs. And that is where it will stay. Let the little shit get his own foul ball.

Kids are awful.

Someone Please Praise Me
Since July 7th, Ryan Raburn is hitting .355 with 2 home runs. Now remember how EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF YOU wanted Raburn cut from the team? And remember how I was the ONLY FUCKING PERSON that said to be patient because he does this every year and will be fine for the second half?

Remember that?

Blow me. Ryno's gonna be fine.

But, Plugs

-Are you on Twitter yet? If not, I recommend signing up. I held out forever because I thought it would be pointless and stupid, like this blog. But it’s actually quite entertaining, unlike this blog.

Where else can you immediately be updated by Jason Beck whenever one of the players picks his nose in the dugout or someone walks past the press box in a Mickey Tettleton jersey? In what other place can you read Grey from Fire Gerald Laird leave comments every seven seconds, twenty-four hours a day? Where else can you listen to Kurt from Bless You Boys complain about comments left on his site and get updates every time his dog has a bowel movement? Nowhere, that’s where.

At least sign up to hear the wit and wisdom of @PhilCokesBrain. That guy is hysterical. Also, you can find me @DNR_Rogo.

-Austin at Detroit Tigers Scorecard updates everyone on the progress of the rumored Tiger trade prospects here. And he does it without cursing!  Wish I was capable of that.

-Sam at RotT is awesome, as always. Here she covers the first game of the Sox series and has her illustrations of the Don Kelly hotfoot incident. These may be better than the actual thing.  Bravo, Sam.

-At mLive, Ian lists some links of his own to check out. Be sure to leave a comment telling him how stupid he is for something that someone else wrote. He loves that shit.

That's all for today. Time to watch Verlander pitch and leave witty comments on Twitter. All the cool kids are doing it.

Sigh...I miss having a life.

(Yet Another) Visit With the Stranger From the East

AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you don’t know who Carnac the Magnificent is, I hate you because you’re probably much younger than I am. If you don’t understand this bit, that’s why Al Gore invented Youtube. Previous episodes of Rogo-nac the Tremendous can be found here. On that note…
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. As welcome as Jason Grilli at Comerica Park, it is now time once again for a visit from the Great Stranger from the East. He is the seer of all seers, the smartest man he knows, and Wilson Betemit’s personal arm strength coach. Heaven has no star brighter than Rogo-nac the Tremendous!

/Rogo-nac enters and trips on the stage

Are you okay, oh great one?

I’m fine…I’m fine. I don’t remember that step being there…perhaps I’ll blame it on Dave Dombrowski for no reason.

A common practice, superior one. Now, I hold in my hand a large stack of envelopes. Even a blindfolded Richard Bernstein could see that they have been hermetically sealed and have been kept hidden within the scouting report given to Justin Verlander on Jim Thome. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but YOU, in your mystical and borderline-divine way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions. Are you ready, sir?

I guess…assuming we have time. You talk a lot…

Hermetically sealed…

I understand.

Within Verlander’s scouting reports of Jim Thome.

Where no one seemingly has ever looked. Let’s get on with this.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first envelope!

Rogo-nac must have COMPLETE SILENCE!

Rogo-nac often receives nothing but silence.

May your team’s big mid-season trade acquisition be rumored to be Jeremy Guthrie.

Yuck. Please sir, the first envelope.

/puts envelope to forehead

A panda, a tiger chameleon, and a blue-sided tree frog.


Name three things more endangered than David Purcey in the bullpen.

Hoho…yes. I hope they release him, sir.

/puts envelope to forehead

Drooling, illiteracy, and whining.



What are the three main qualities needed to comment at mLive?

YES! Oh, hohoho…you sound like an editor at Bless You Boys when you say that.

/puts envelope to forehead

The Tooth Fairy and a clean inning from Daniel Schlereth.


Name two things that don’t exist.

Ugh…Schlereth is awful, oh great one. Correct again.

/puts envelope to forehead

A keg of beer, a loaf of rye, and one of the FSD girls.

Beer…rye…one of the lovely FSD girls. Yes.


Name three things that have yeast.

HIYOOOOO…hohoho…uncalled for. Those girls are beautiful and talented young women. And haven’t you used that joke before with other…

May a blogger that updates their site twice a month pester you into more unfunny Rogo-nac bits.


/puts envelope to forehead

Click, click, boom!

Click, click, boom…


Describe the sound Joel Zumaya’s arm makes.

Hahaha…poor Joel. Will he ever return to us?

/puts envelope to forehead

Growth in employment, cheap gasoline, and Brandon Inge.


Name three things you won’t find in Detroit for a while.

HOHOHOHOHOHO…poor Brandon. What will Wal-Mart do without the sales of his plus-sized female jerseys?

/puts envelope to forehead

Daffy, Norris, and Lynn Henning.


Name a duck, a Chuck, and a schmuck.

Heh…uhhh. Not your best.

May your team’s playoff chances rest on Carlos Guillen staying healthy.

/puts envelope to forehead

Home Sweet Home.

HOME SWEET HOME! A nice idea…


If the folks leaving comments at mLive had their way, where will Jim Leyland and Dave Dombrowski be spending 2012?

Haha…no making them happy, sir. No…way.

/puts envelope to forehead

A living room, a bathroom floor, and Mario Impemba?



Name three things that would look better with a rug.

HOHOHO…YES! Poor Mario. If only he had Ryan Field’s luck with hair. Hoho…go ahead, sir.

/puts envelope to forehead

“Born in the USA”

Springsteen song…yes.


What song has 90% of the Tiger organization never sung?

Haha…dating yourself again, oh awesome one.

May you wake up with ugly tattoos of your children’s names on your forearms.

/puts envelope to forehead

Rape, murder, and Latinos eating rice and beans.



Name three topics condemned by Yahoo reporters.

Hahahaha…Big League Stew can go to hell. YES!

/puts envelope to forehead

Ginger snaps.



What do most Tiger fans hope David Purcey does to his arm?

HAHA…he’s a ginger. Godless people, sir. Yes.

May Casey Anthony mother your next child.

Ooooh…uncalled for, great one. The next envelope, please.

/puts envelope to forehead

Cheetah, CM Punk, and Casper Wells.



Name a chimp, a champ, and a chump.

Hohoho…come back soon, Casper. Poor guy.

/puts envelope to forehead

Richard Bernstein, Frederick Porcello, and Ryan Raburn.

Don’t get us sued, sir…


Name a Dick, a Rick, and a hick.

Hahaha…hey, that hillbilly’s hitting again. WHO could have predicted that other than the GREAT ROGO-NAC?

Quiet. May you receive texts every two minutes from someone named “Spaghetti”?


Never mind. Next one…

/puts envelope to forehead

Jello and the FSD Girls.

Oh no…not again…


What looks delicious, quivers all over, and can’t talk.


/puts envelope to forehead

Wet dirt, Elmer, and Cale Iorg.

Wait…wet dirt, Elmer, and Cale Iorg?


Name some mud, a Fudd, and a dud.

Ha! He’s awful. Indeed. Shortstop of the future, we were told. Hoho…

/puts envelope to forehead



Can we go on?

Yes. Sorry. 2011.


How many surgeries has Carlos Guillen had in the past three years?

Awww…poor Carlos. He’s doing well, great one!

May your catching depth consist of Max St. Pierre, and Omir Santos.

Yuck! The next one, mighty one.

/puts envelope to forehead

Ryan Raburn in the first half, Rick Porcello, and Miguel Cabrera.


Name a funk, a hunk, and a drunk.

Oooooh…haha…Miguel’s got it under control, sir. Be nice.

/puts envelope to forehead

Kid lick

Kid…lick? Where are you going here…


How does Fu-Te Ni say “Kid Rick”?

BWAAA, hahahaha…you racist bastard, you. Go on…LOTS of envelopes today!

/puts envelope to forehead

A guy with a mistress and an umpire in a Tiger game.


Name two people that cheat.

Haha…bastards, indeed.

/puts envelope to forehead

A cake contest, a spasm of the diaphragm, and a beer at Comerica Park.


Name a bake-off, a hiccough, and a rip off.

Haaaa…ugh. Not your finest.

Shut up. May your only daughter wake up in a seedy hotel room paid for by Casper Wells.

/puts envelope to forehead

Two men in their 60’s.

Two men in their sixties. Okay.


Describe Jim Leyalnd and the real author of the April in the D blog?

HOHO…leave those nice girls alone, great sage! Haha…

/puts envelope to forehead

Cheese, corn, and Brad Thomas.



Name three things that get creamed quite often.

HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO…can’t believe you took this long to mention Thomas, wise one. Hahaha…

/puts envelope to forehead

A spare tire, a car jack, and David Purcey.


Name three things that belong in Jim Leyland’s trunk.

Hahaha…kill the bastard. Yes….awful.

/puts envelope to forehead

Purcey, Furbush, and AJ Pierzynski.

Again…oh no…


Name three things that kind of sound like vaginas.

HIYOOOOO…HAHAHAHA…potty humor at its finest.

/puts envelope to forehead

A homer and a double, catcher’s and first baseman’s, and Britney Spears.



Name two big hits, two big mitts, and…a famous pop star.

HAHAHA…YOWZA! You had me going there…good lord, how many are there this time?

/puts envelope to forehead

James Brown and Bill Simonson.


Who are the “Godfather of Soul” and the “King of the Trolls”?

Ha…yes. Can’t wait to see what wisdom he brings us on Monday…

/puts envelope to forehead

Tylonel, Bufferin, and watching Don Kelly play baseball.

Here we go again…poor Donnie…


Name two headache remedies and the reason you’d need them.

Hahahahahaha…he was ON FIRE today!  Hoho...THREE MORE! Thank goodness…

/puts envelope to forehead

Jessica Alba, Betty White, and Lassie.



Who are the only three bitches in Hollywood Brad Penny hasn’t banged yet?

HIYOOOOOOOO! Hohohoho…Penny gets around, doesn’t he?

/puts envelope to forehead

A nail, a board, and the Tigers in the second half.

Oh, boy…


Name something that’s hammered, something that’s nailed, and something that’s screwed.

BOOOO! Be more positive, mighty sage!

May Jim Leyland manage your bullpen like Ken Lay managed Enron.

Haha…okay, sir. I hold in my hands the LAST ENVELOPE!

(audience roars)


May your team trade Scott Sizemore for an idiot and some magic beans.

Please, sir.

May Andy Dirks become your manager’s new favorite player.

The final envelope, sir! Please!

/puts envelope to forehead

The side of the Titanic, an open well, and Don Kelly’s mom.


Name three holes that should have been sealed shut.

HIYOOOOOOOOOO! YES! Hahahahahaha! Wonderful, sir! Thank you, oh great one! Visit us again, soon! Hahahahahahahaha...

Innocence gone ...

Hi There,

Some time ago I spent a year in Norway and my most abiding memory was that the children and young folk there had ideal surroundings and freedom and safety in which to grow up. After what happened the other day all that changed . I like thousands of others sat gripped watching unbelieving, the news channels which told of some nutter in a police uniform who killed without any thought ...

It was even more surprising that it took place in Norway where children were safe ... Well, a lot safer than here anyway. What a horrendous thing to happen, innocence gone in a couple of hours. It seems than now Norway has now become a place where these things happen too.

Love Kate xxx.

Rod Allen is Not a Racist

I can't believe that I have to write this piece. But I feel I do.

As soon as I heard him say it, I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it.

If you missed it during Thursday’s Tigers/Twins game, Rod Allen and Mario Impemba had the following exchange during the game:

Rod: "Tigers pretty much got a all-Latin squad out there tonight."

Mario: "Ordoñez, Cabrera, Martinez, Peralta, Guillen, Avila, Betemit. Jackson and Boesch don't qualify."

Rod: "They're gonna have to get some rice and beans for the postgame spread tonight."

And sure enough, some political correctness moron went and got all offended. The idiot in question appears to be David Brown, who wrote this piece at Yahoo.

Follow me after the jump and we’ll take a look at it together.

From Brown’s piece:

Allen, a color analyst since 2003, said the postgame meal in the Tigers clubhouse at Target Field should include rice and beans, because most of the team's lineup against the Twins had Latino heritage.

You see, the Latinos just love them some rice and beans, as the stereotype goes.

I don’t know about you, but I enjoy me some Latino food, especially Mexican food. And having frequented dozens of such restaurants in my lifetime, you know what is included within or on the side of nearly every menu item?

Rice and beans.

I don’t know if Latinos “love” them like Mr. Brown says the stereotype goes, but they sure do include them with darn near everything. So what was wrong with what Rod Allen said? He didn’t make any kind of negative stereotype. He didn’t make any “gardening” jokes. He didn’t make any “stealing hubcap” jokes. Those would be terrible and uncalled for. He did none of that.

As someone that writes a blog that is often in poor humor, I consider myself quite the expert on this subject matter. But I’m a goofball idiot. Rod Allen is a professional and a good human being. I can’t believe this is even an issue.

Would Allen, who is African-American, make a joke about a Tigers lineup that was mostly black requiring something stereotypical to eat? Would he stoop to make a watermelon joke? Maybe he would. Maybe he has. But that wouldn't make it right, or funny.

Says you. I've heard comedians like Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy tell jokes like that and they make it hilarious.  While Rod might not be a professional comedian, I happen to find him extremely funny, most of the time. So do thousands of Tiger fans. Rod has legions of fans, all over the country, and the main reason is because of his good nature, his genuine love of the game that you can feel in every broadcast, and his goofy sense of humor.

As someone that has worked and been friends with several Latinos in my lifetime, I have never heard them get offended by something so ridiculous. They surely don't need to be defended by the likes of a Yahoo author named Dave Brown. In fact, a Mexican-American woman that I once worked with used to bring me home cooked food from time to time. You know what was often included?

Rice and beans, you jerk. And it was awesome.

Actually, for poops and giggles, I just texted a Latino friend of mine. I asked him if he’d be offended about the “rice and beans” comment if someone said it. His answer?

“No. That would just be stupid.”


Later in the article…

It might have been tricky for him, but Allen could have referenced how the Detroit clubhouse — which includes respected stars such as Victor Martinez, Miguel Cabrera and Jose Valverde — is a place where Latino players can feel comfortable. That's not always the case in the major leagues. Such a discussion could be valuable.

You obviously do not watch Tiger broadcasts. NO ONE is more complimentary to the Latino players than Rod Allen. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Brown is obviously acting like the typical media vulture that is trying to make something out of nothing.

David Brown, congratulations for becoming part of the “gotcha” media problem in this country. You should be ashamed of yourself. Also, "Big League Stew" will now be removed from my link sidebar. I can't support a site that would write this about Rod Allen of all people. Attack someone that deserves it.

Like "Hawk" Harrelson. He's terrible.

Short of that, if only Allen had tried be funny, maybe something stereotypical he said theoretically could be defended. But Latinos eating only rice and beans? 

He didn’t say they ate ONLY rice and beans. Now you’re making things up. Again, you are out of line.

It wasn't funny the first billion times someone said it, so why keep it going? Allen comes off like he's mocking them, even though — giving him the benefit of the doubt — he probably didn't mean to.

You should be locked in a mental asylum.

Rod was being silly. That’s what Rod Allen does and it’s why Tiger fans love him. I have NEVER heard anyone say a bad word about Rod’s attitude and friendliness. The guy may very well be the nicest man in baseball, and for you to insinuate that he is MOCKING the players that he covers on a daily basis (and is friends with) is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard.

Dave, I do not know what your race is. You don’t have a Latino sounding name, so I can only assume that you are not. But I do know that Rod Allen is an African-American man. I’m pretty sure that Rod’s dealt with more than his share of racism in his life, sadly. And I’m pretty sure that he is one of the last people on the planet that would ever make a malicious, racist joke.

There is no story here and once again, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Is it a slow news day at Yahoo?

But by the limited reaction on Twitter — which varied from dopey to ashamed — Allen might have a history of saying stuff like this.

Or maybe SANE people realized that it was just a harmless, silly comment and THAT is why there is a limited reaction.

When exactly did this country become so serious about everything? The PC police have made it impossible for anyone to talk anymore. Good lord…

Oops. Did I offend Catholics or whatever by saying “good lord”? I don’t even know anymore.

As Kyle Madson noted on the KSSU Blog, FOX fired Steve Lyons in 2006 for implying in a "joke" that native Spanish speakers might be more apt than others to steal his wallet.

That, I might understand. It’s a negative and horrible thing to insinuate that someone would steal based on their race. Rod Allen didn’t do anything of the sort. You should be embarrassed for even bringing it up, you hack.

What Allen said this time wasn't on that level. But hopefully his bosses heard him, will talk to him and tell him to cut it out.

And if your bosses had a brain in their heads, they would reprimand you for not doing your research on a man before attempting a hatchet job on the character of a man like Rod Allen.

Mr. Brown, thank you for providing a perfect example of blowing something out of proportion just for the sake of having something to write about.

You disgust me.

EDIT:  Late in Friday's game, Rod (sounding extremely embarrassed) brought up the line from the night before and explained that it came from talking to Ramon Santiago and Miguel Cabrera about what they had been eating at a local restaurant. So, David Brown, you took an innocent comment and turned it into a vicious, ignorant attack on a classy man.  Congrats, jerk. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Brandon Inge Hits the Town With the Toledo Boys

(Outside a bar in Toledo, Ohio.)
BRANDON INGE: (talking into cell phone) I keep telling you, Shani, it’s all going to be fine. As soon as I figure out this gosh-darn hitch in my swing, I’ll be back up in Detroit with you and the kids in a jiffy. No, honey, I’m not depressed. In fact, I’m joining some of the fellas from the Hens for a drink tonight. No, honey, Miguel's not with us. They invited me out to catch up on old times since we’re all buds from being on the Tigers. No honey, I won’t drink too much. Uh huh, love you, too. Kiss the kids for me! Bye-bye. Heh, she’s such a peach. I hope everyone’s here already…they said they’d meet me out here but I don’t see anyone…

SQUEAKY VOICE: Brandon, down here.

INGE: Oh, hey, buddy! Didn’t see you down there.
WILL RHYMES: It happens. Good to see you, man. The boys are inside. Let’s head in and get ourselves a drink and celebrate putting the band back together!

/bar door flies open

FU-TE NI: Herrrrro, Blandon! Werrcum to Torredo, my fliend! Torredo is gleat shitty. Many kalaoke balls in this shitty. I rove kalaoke! I just put in song lequests now! Want sing with Ni? We can do “Summer Roving” from "Glease"!

INGE: Haha…no thanks, buddy. Great to see you. Where we sitting?

NI: Ovel by poor tabre. Crete want to pray you foll blagging lights at birrialds! We miss you, Blandon!

/puts up hand for high five

INGE: Missed you too, Fu.

/swings for high five

/misses by three feet

/makes sad face and sulks over to pool table
CLETE THOMAS: Aye, Brando. Wut yew doin’ in a shithole like Toledo, man? Ain’t yew loaded?

/spits dip on floor

INGE: It’s not about that, Clete. It’s about proving that I can still do this. It’s about proving Dave and Jim wrong. It’s about making my fans happy. I am a Detroit Tiger and that’s all I ever wanted to be, you know?

THOMAS: Well, yew a Mud Hen now, peckerhead.

/adjusts oversized Jim Beam belt buckle

RHYMES: Cool it, guys. We’re here to have fun. Where’d Ni go?

THOMAS: Look up on dat dere stage, Tiny. ‘Ol Mr. Miyagi’s cuttin’ himself a rug.

/on stage

NI: Take Ni, ta-ta-take Ni. Want be victim, leady fol abduction. You an arien! You touch so follen. It’s supelnatular! Extlatellestlial!

INGE: Oh my, that’s terrible. Someone should go get him before this ends up on that internets thing.

THOMAS: Yup. Boy ain’t right. Could at least sing some Toby Keith, ya know?

/scratches crotch, smells hand

INGE: So, are we the only players here? Thought more guys would have shown.

RHYMES: Well, Timo couldn’t make it. He’s busy begging his agent about getting back into the Mexican League where he might get noticed. Villareal won’t leave his hotel room because some blogger girl is stalking him or something. He says “hi”, though. Not sure about Wilk and the other guys. But “The Balla” should be here, though.

INGE: Who in heckfire is “The Balla”?

/bar door flies open
CASPER WELLS: Yo, yo, yo, bitches! Upstate Balla in the muthafuckin’ hizz-ouse! Ribbed fo YO pleasure, ladies! Where my dawgs at? ‘Sup, Willy? ‘Sup, Hillbilly? ‘Sup, B? How my boy doin’?

INGE: Casper…you feeling all right?

WELLS: Caspah? CASPAH? You trippin’, son. Caspah my SLAVE NAME. That what them muthafuckin’ honky bitches up NORTH callin’ the BALLA! You call me Upstate Balla in T-Town, B! You feel me?

INGE: I guess so. Things are quite different here, I take it.

WELLS: Sheeeeet, son. We own ‘dis town, son. The bitches here be ALL OVAH Da Balla! They be STARVED ‘fo the Balla’s cock, son. And Da Balla don’t stop ballin’ ‘til the honey comin’ out dat ass, yo, you feel me? Bully dat! Now where my ninja boy at?

THOMAS: Where yew think, dipshit?

/on stage

NI: I got feering…WOOO HOOO! That tonight gon be good night. Tonight gon be good, good night. Tonight the night! Ret’s rive it up! I got money! Ret’s spend it up…

WELLS: Now dat be funny shit, yo. ‘Ol Jackie Chan be TRIPPIN’, yo!

THOMAS: Brando, you gon play or wut? I racked that shit, grab a stick and break, dammit.

/picks wax out of ear, wipes it on wall

INGE: Sure, Clete. Sorry, my mind’s just going nuts right now. I’m warning you, I’m pretty good at pool, buddy!

/goes to break…misses cue ball three times

INGE: Oh, fudge.
WAITRESS: Can I get you guys something to drink? Also, I’m sorry, but your son can’t be in here.

RHYMES: Hey! I’m almost thirty! I’d like a Kahlua and cream, please. With a big twisty straw!

THOMAS: Busch Light, honey.

INGE: Appletini, please. Fu! You want a drink?

NI: (from stage) Mirrel Rite!

WELLS: I want a piece ‘o’ dat ass, baby. You know you want some of Tha Balla. The Balla fill that ass up wit' his meat ‘til it be a sloppy joe, you know what I’m sayin’?

/gets slapped in face

WELLS: Damn, girl! Hennessey, yo. I was just playin’. Bitches be trippin’ in this joint. Ain’t worth the roofies in my pocket, yo. Hey, B! Toss me that rag! Bitch’s hand be wet, playa.

INGE: Sure.

/tosses rag three feet over Casper’s head

INGE: Oops. Look, fellas. I appreciate you all taking me out to cheer me up. It means a lot. It’s good to know that when I’m at my lowest, I’ve got some great chums like you all to bring my spirits up. It’s great to see you all and I hope we can all…

WELLS: Sheeit…we just here ‘fo the drinks, son. You payin’, fool.

INGE: I am?

THOMAS: If yew want our company, yew will.

/adjusts Wrangler jeans

RHYMES: Sorry, Brandon. You’re not in Detroit anymore. Welcome to the hell of being back in the minors.

INGE: This may have been a big, big mistake.

/looks toward stage

NI: I catch glenade fol you. Thlow hand on brade fol you. Jump flont of tlain fol you! Know Ni do anything fol you…

THOMAS: Aye, Brando…speakin' of big mistakes, that thar girl’s checkin’ yew out...
THOMAS:  Some shit don't ever change, huh?  Haha...

INGE: Sigh…I'm calling my agent in the morning...