Anyway, here’s a position-by-position look at our former heroes in their newer surroundings, including some guys that have been in the minors all season.
MLB Position Players
Position and Player, Team, Avg, HR, RBI, OBP/SLG/OPS
C Ivan Rodriguez, Was: .215, 2, 17, .276/.336/.612
C Matt Treanor, KC: .216, 3, 15, .354/.304/.658
C Gerald Laird, StL: .214, 0, 4, .313/.381/.693
C Dane Sardinha, Phi: .219, 0, 1, .419/.250/.669
C Mike Rivera, Mil: .333, 0, 0, .333/.333/.667
1B Aubrey Huff, SF: .244, 8, 41, .295/.381/.676
1B Carlos Pena, ChiC: .226, 17, 44, .353/.469/.822
1B Matt Stairs, Was: .132, 0, 1, .246/.151/.397
2B Omar Infante, Fla: .254, 1, 24, .301/.314/.614
2B John McDonald, Tor: .189, 2, 11, .248/.297/.545
3B Scott Sizemore, Oak: .293, 1, 7, .359/.414/.773
3B Placido Polanco, Phi: .288, 4, 39, .339/.363/.702
3B Adam Everett, Cle: .217, 0, 1, .277/.233/.510
3B Jack Hannahan, Cle: .215, 5, 21, .306/.336/.642
SS Edgar Renteria, Cin: .230, 0, 12, .314/.254/.568
OF Curtis Granderson, NYY: .276, 21, 56, .367/.575/.941
OF Johnny Damon, TB: .273, 9, 37, .320/.421/.741
OF Matt Joyce, TB: .308, 10, 38, .369/.529/.898
OF Cameron Maybin, SD: .262, 5, 18, .328/.402/.730
OF Cody Ross, SF: .265, 6, 23, .351/.426/.777
OF Andres Torres, SF: .229, 3, 13, .330/.369/.699
OF Marcus Thames, LAD: .203, 2, 7, .250/.344/.594
Pitcher, Team: W-L, ERA, WHIP
SP Jair Jurrjens, Atl: 10-3, 2.07, 1.14
SP Colby Lewis, Tex: 7-7, 4.32, 1.24
SP Freddy Garcia, NYY: 7-6, 3.28, 1.31
SP Edwin Jackson, ChiW: 4-6, 4.13, 1.48
SP Armando Galarraga, Ari: 3-4, 5.91, 1.62
SP Andrew Miller, Bos: 1-0, 3.09, 1.46
Relief Pitcher, Team, W-L, ERA, SV/SV Opportunities, WHIP
RP Kyle Farnsworth, TB: 3-1, 2.20, 16/18, 0.89
RP Francisco Cordero, Cin: 3-1, 1.53, 16/18, 0.85
RP Fernando Rodney, LAA: 2-3, 4.09, 3/6, 1.41
RP Tim Byrdak, NYM: 1-0, 3.98, 0/1, 1.52
RP Trevor Miller, StL: 0-1, 3.86, 1/3, 1.57
RP Chad Durbin, Cle: 2-1, 6.68, 0/0, 1.77
RP Clay Rapada, Bal: 0-0, 7.30, 0/0, 1.54
RP Brandon Lyon, Hou: 3-3, 11.48, 4/8, 2.40
And as I promised, here’s some names from the past. Can you believe that Andy Van Hekken is still playing baseball? And Freddy Dolsi’s a starter now?
MiLB Position Players
C Mike Rivera, Nas: .255, 4, 23, .336/.434/.770
C Dusty Ryan, Buf: .167, 0, 3, .167/.250/.417
1B Jeff Larish, LhV: .258, 13, 36, .353/.493/.846
SS Brent Dlugach, Paw: .271, 4, 21, .322/.407/.730
SS Michael Hollimon, Roc: .196, 0, 6, .318/.339/.657
OF Wilkin Ramirez, Gwn: .238, 7, 21, .283/.446/.730
OF Brent Clevlen, Lou: .247, 3, 10, .302/.393/.695
OF Jeff Frazier, Syr: .183, 6, 27, .249/.313/.561
SP Andrew Miller, Paw: 3-3, 2.47, 1.17
SP Dontrelle Willis, Lou: 5-2, 2.63, 1.21
SP Nate Robertson, Tac: 2-2, 5.26, 1.79
SP Freddy Dolsi, Cha: 3-6, 6.46, 1.50
SP Eddie Bonine, LhV: 3-4, 5.16, 1.46
SP Luke French, Tac: 4-6, 6.25, 1.73
SP Casey Fossum, Buf: 0-4, 6.56, 1.74
RP Jason Grilli, LhV: 4-0, 1.80, 1.28
RP Wil Ledezma, Las: 1-1, 4.54, 1.46
RP Denny Bautista, Tac: 1-2, 4.21, 1.35
RP Andy Van Hekken, OkC: 2-3, 3.00, 1.57
RP Roman Colon, Alb: 1-0, 4.61, 0.95
RP Casey Fien, OkC: 1-2, 4.09, 1.09
I see Nate still sucks.
If I missed anyone, my bad.
Until next time…
That is the look I usually get when I'm listening to sports talk shows. You'd think I'd learn.
On my way home from work, sick of listening to people singing into voice synthesizers over generic drumbeats, and terrified of being left alone with my psychotic thoughts, I once again ventured into the world of sports talk radio. I am a glutton for punishment, it seems.
As luck would have it, they were talking about the Tigers and the upcoming trade deadline. The guy was yammering on about Phil Coke when I tuned in and he was saying how Coke is good for five innings and falls apart after that. He was saying how Coke isn’t going to be successful as a starter.
Now, that’s a bit harsh. In Coke’s 13 starts, he has had six starts of over five innings allowing 2 ER or less. That’s not bad for a #4 starter in his first season starting in the majors. And yeah, Phil’s had six starts where he didn’t look very good. That happens…they can’t all be Verlander. But he’s also had three starts where he hasn’t allowed a run at all.
I assume the host just looked at Phil’s hard-luck 1-7 record and just decided he sucks. They followed the Tiger talk up by saying the Royals are all a bunch of kids with no veterans around that they could possibly trade to a contender before eventually remembering Jeff Francour’s name. Apparently doing a quick check of the roster and seeing the impressive seasons being put up by Melky Cabrera and Wilson Betemit would be too much for them.
My point is, in what other job can you be clueless and wrong most of the time, yet still get paid to be an “expert” on such matters than in sports talk radio? It drives me nuts. And it only seems to get worse when these radio hosts decide to pen a column and spew their ignorant nonsense onto us in written form, too.
And on that note, I give to you, straight from the HUGE show, Mr. Bill Simonson in his latest offering at mLive. Warning…I’m going to be defending Jim Leyland in this piece. I get cranky when I have to defend one of my comic foils.
Are the Detroit Tigers for real?
No. They are a figment of your imagination because you hate your life. They are the Brad Pitt to your Edward Norton.
Will they break our hearts in the second half again?
Porcello looks like a heart-breaker. I bet that kid has seen more strange pussy the past two years than the ladies room toilets at Comerica Park.
Why can’t I trust manager Jim Leyland?
Shifty eyes. Never trust a man with shifty eyes. My father used to tell me that. Then, he’d usually say, “Well, I’m off to go fuck your mom in the ass.” Dad was funny. I wonder what ever happened to him?
I’m trying to figure out if the Tigers are playing good baseball.
Entering the publishing of your Monday article, they were 42-36 and in first place. They’re the second hottest team in baseball after the Red Sox right now. I’d say that might be good baseball. Of course, I have an IQ higher than that of a hamster. Unlike Mr. HUGE…who sounds like he is overcompensating for something…
Is it really a sign you have turned the corner if you're leading the American League Central?
Would you feel better if they were in the AL West? Because they’d be in first there, too. Are you an NL fan? They have a record better than every Senior Circuit team except for three. Even the mighty Yanks and Sawx only have three more wins than Detroit.
What I guess I’m trying to say, is fuck you, asshole.
A very average, no name, Cleveland Indians team hovering at or near the top the first three months of the season may answer that question.
Yes. A team that had the best record in baseball through the first 30+ games until their recent slide. Better than every team in baseball, not just the AL Central. But you don’t know who any of them are, so that makes them a joke. No name power on the Tribe like a DEREK JETER, ADAM DUNN, or a VERNON WELLS. Sure, they suck now, but they are NAMES. Huge names. I see where you’re coming from.
Wait, no I don’t. Die of rectal cancer.
I’m trying to be optimistic
but the ghosts of Leyland-managed Tigers teams with second-half collapses since 2006 still haunt me.
I once thought the ghost of Fernando Rodney was haunting me. I was wrong. Turns out, I was just being mugged by a crackhead.
I just can’t buy into the way this guy writes out his daily lineup card. I never have liked Leyland's style.
Ahh, yes. Jim Leyland’s lineups. Nice that you’ve gotten to this story two months after the rest of the free world. No wonder Jim Leyland hates the press.
I look at where the Tigers are
and think if Leyland really played the players who give him the best chance to win, like he said a few weeks back, Detroit would be at least 6 games up in the AL Central.
I would LOVE to hear the mathematical formula you put in place to come up with that figure. I bet it was something like, “Durr if Rayburn started less, we’d score 25 runs a game, harf.”
Who is he not playing that he should be? Did Polanco come back and no one told me he’s rotting on the bench? The issue with JL’s lineups that I have is that he continues to bat the #8 and #10 guys in the AL Top Ten in batting average at 7th and 8th in the lineup while keeping the kid that mows his lawn, Don Kelly, at the #2 spot much of the time. People want to see Cabrera and VMart bat with runners on base for a change. That is pretty much the only issue most of us sane people have with JL’s lineups.
How Ryan Raburn can play more last week than Brennan Boesch or Alex Avila is proof Leyland overthinks the game of baseball.
GENE LAMONT: So, Skip. The Giants are coming to town this week. How do you think we should prepare for them?
JIM LEYLAND: Well, a car engine is an internal combustion gasoline engine, which works on a four-stroke system: intake, compression, power, and exhaust. These four strokes are driven by the pistons, which slide up and down inside each of the four, six, eight, or twelve cylinders, depending on engine size. Each cylinder has its own intake valve, exhaust valve, spark plug, and piston. Fuel comes in from the gas tank through the fuel system, where it mixes with air and is atomized. This air/fuel mixture is what feeds into the cylinders and drives them.
LAMONT: Jim, you’re overthinking baseball again.
It seems no one outside of Miguel Cabrera, Victor Martinez and Jhonny Peralta knows they will be in the lineup everyday.
Austin Jackson leads the team in games played. Stupid facts! But let’s explore further.
Tiger leaders in games played:
Martinez: 63…granted, he was on the DL for a while.
So, no, you’re wrong. If there's anything keeping the starters from playing more often, it's been injuries. There are very few Cal Ripken-types left in the game, you know.
And good for Jim. We need Mig, VMart, and JP playing every day. Jackson, too, for his D. Who cares if Inge sits? And Avila’s a catcher…he can’t play every day. Even Joe Mauer gets a rest here and there when he’s healthy in Minnesota.
Avila hits a homer and drives in four Saturday night and his .300-plus batting average is on the bench Sunday.
Against a tough lefty, while the more-than-capable hitting righty Casper Wells got a start, and Magglio got a rest as the DH to keep him healthy. Oh, but go on with your nonsense…
This after he had four days off in the past nine days. Can someone explain this to me?
Sure thing, your HUGEness. He’s a catcher. He needs time off. Catching wears you out, trust me, I've done it. And it’s not like Jim’s resting him a lot. Only 5 AL catchers have seen more playing time than Avila this year: Carlos Santana (who plays 1B a lot), Miguel Olivo, Kurt Suzuki, AJ Pierzynski (who rapes Cub Scouts), and Matt Wieters (who O fans tell me will be a 1st ballot HOF’er). Avila’s played six more games than Russell Martin who will probably start the All-Star game UNLESS YOU LAZY PRICKS GET OUT THERE AND VOTE AVILA NOW NOW NOW!!!
Leyland has to play Magglio Ordonez and Brandon Inge because of the big money they are making.
Yes, Magglio’s returning health and ability to sting baseballs combined with Inge’s steady D and leadership have nothing to do with it. It’s only the money. Cockwallet. Also, they’ve both been benched more than expected since their returns, for the record. Are you really that upset that Andy Dirks and his .295 OBP is not getting more at bats?
But his baseball love affair with Raburn defies logic.
I’m sick of Raburn’s struggles too, but he had similar numbers this time last year. And he went nuts the 2nd half. He’s shown he can produce and carry a team when he gets hot. I can’t blame Leyland for trying to light that fuse again. Especially when the alternative is Ramon Santiago and his .209 batting average and .551 OPS. Even Raburn’s OPS is higher than that at .568. It’s not like Leyland can shit out a Chase Utley from his ass, you know? He’s playing with the cards he’s been dealt.
The guy has no glove and is mired in a season-long slump.
But enough about Derek Jeter. Wocka, wocka, wocka!
How has Raburn not gone back to the minors to see if he could learn how to throw and hit again?
-He’s too old (30) to go back to the minors and get “better”.
-His arm is fine, you cuntlick., his glove is the problem.
-Has a decent proven history in MLB and a new 2 year contract.
-No one in the minors that has his upside. Danny Worth and Cale Iorg suck, people. Will Rhymes might fit in your pocket and be adorable when he runs on a wheel in his cage, but he can’t get a ball past the pitcher’s mound.
-Scott Sizemore was traded for a pile of shit that two teams have decided they’d be better without this year.
Face it, we’re stuck with Ryno until ‘Ol Creaky Knees comes back, unless they try Kelly at second.
The guy is hitting .199 and makes an error every other game and Leyland still stands by the guy.
If only JL would turn on a player every time he hits a rough patch. That’s what a REAL leader would do!
I think part of it is a shot back at the fans and media, because most think Raburn should’ve been shown the bench two months ago.
Two months ago = April 27th. Yes, in less than a month, Jim Leyland should have benched Ryan Raburn (who wasn’t into his big slump yet hitting .247 with 3 HR) right after DD signed him to a two-year deal.
If we get to mid-July and Ryno is still playing like this, then it’s time to make a move. But the guy has shown the past couple years that he’s a second half monster. There’s still plenty of time to let him have another chance to sort it out. Also, as I mentioned, Carlos Guillen’s supposedly two weeks away from returning.
/insert obligatory injury joke
Leyland’s stubborn side will never let the media or fans have a say in how he does his job.
Indeed. In his contract year, Jim Leyland is willing to sacrifice his job and reputation just to piss off the fans and media. You are a half-wit that should be taken to the vet and put down.
Can someone defending Leyland today tell me how he doesn’t run his best nine out there on the lineup card 6 out of every 7 games?
How about the fact that his best 9 haven’t been healthy at the same time this year? Ordonez, VMart, and Inge have all seen time on the DL. Dude, you keep bitching about this “best 9” shit, but you don’t offer a solution. Again, Polanco and Travis Fryman are not on this team to play 2B and 3B.
My only issues with Jim Leyland are where he bats Don Kelly and how he sometimes has brain farts with his bullpen. I want to see Peralta bat second. I don’t want to see Brad Thomas or Daniel Schlereth anywhere near the mound in a close game. But I’m not gonna cry about it, especially when the team is in FIRST FUCKING PLACE.
No team in baseball rests players or starts bad batting averages more consistently than the Tigers have since Leyland has been the skipper.
I bet you made that up. I’ll bet my sweaty left nut on it. You dolt.
Outside of the 2006 American league pennant he has won nothing in Detroit.
Except more games than any manager since Sparky Anderson. Please tell me you’re not pining for the Phil Garner or Luis Pujols years.
Leyland’s teams always have had horrible second halves. His playing for tomorrow system has never paid off for the Tigers, as 2006, '07, [09 and 2010 all included second-half freefalls because he refused to play his best players on a daily basis all season long.
Yup. Not injuries. Not never-before-seen runs by the Twins. Not umps fucking us over by not seeing Inge get hit by a pitch. Not first basemen getting shitfaced with the White Sox. Not any other reason. Just because Leyland sits guys on important days.
He did that with Polanco the last week of the season a couple years ago, annoying me. Other than that, you’re wildly exaggerating things.
If Leyland's style had a track record of working, I would never question one thing about the way he does his baseball business.
*1997 World Series winner
*2006 World Series runner-up
*Made NLCS from 1990-1992
*3-time Manager of the Year
Yes…no track record. Sigh. Now this HUGE show you have. Is it because you are a HUGE jackass? Or maybe a HUGE fountain of misinformation? Perhaps it’s because your opinions are a HUGE waste of time?
Is Detroit a first-place team?
Yup. You are familiar with the internet or a newspaper, right?
Is this team in first place today because of anything Leyland has done? I don’t think so.
Agreed. Rafael Belliard is the REAL brains of the operation.
I ask you to think of a Tigers game you went to or watched and thought to yourself what Leyland did was special.
This hurts, but how about the Sparky Tribute game I went to on Sunday. Leyland takes a chance and has Don Kelly pinch-hit for Raburn in the 8th with one out. Kelly singles to center, starting a rally that leads the Tigers to scoring 7 times and come from behind to win. That probably doesn’t happen without Leyland making a move and sitting the righty Raburn against the righty relief pitcher Aaron Heilman.
How’s that, you HUGE fuck?
How hard is it to win in a weak division when you have the payroll and players Leyland has been given since he became manager in Detroit?
Well, when large chunks of the payroll have been tied up on guys like Nate Robertson, Dontrelle Willis, Gary Sheffield, and guys on the DL, I really don’t think you can shit on Jim for that. Though you will, because you are a dipshit blowhard.
I think his teams have underachieved every year he has been manager.
Like 2006 when we had no expectations for the season and made the World Series? Fuck you, Jim Leyland!
I think team president Dave Dombrowski should be irate that Leyland hasn’t won more considering the payroll and farm system Leyland has to work with.
/spits drink on computer screen
FARM SYSTEM? Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, did you say FARM SYSTEM? You mean Clete Thomas, Will Rhymes, Ryan Strieby, Max St. Pierre, Cale Iorg, Andy Dirks, ETC, ETC, ETC?
Justin Verlander is amazing. Other than that, the best guys JL’s had coming from the farm system over his tenure have been the inconsistent Porcello, the Jeckyl and Hyde Boesch, and the just now producing Avila.
REALLY? You brought up the farm system? Holy shit. And I already covered the payroll without mentioning that they have two guys EACH eating up $20 million a year by themselves.
Good gawd, man. The fucking farm system…
Yeah, like Joe Torre would have three-peated with fucking Mike Hessman as the best hitter waiting to come up from his Triple-A team. Fuck me…
Ownership has to be on pins and needles behind closed doors praying that there is not another second-half swoon this year.
Mike Ilitch is one of the best owners in professional sports. He’s not some flaky asshat like the Dodgers or Orioles have. Ilitch is going to play it smart this year…he’s learned from his mistakes, I think.
The good thing about the Tigers in the pennant race again is that it puts pressure on Leyland to find a way to avoid the scary second half stink syndrome.
LLOYD MCCLENDON: You smell that?
TOM BROOKENS: Is that Miguel’s breath?
MCCLENDON: No…it’s the second half stink syndrome.
/DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNN
Look. Much has been made about the Tigers’ second half collapses. They’re annoying, I agree. But to put it ALL on Leyland is overly simplistic and just plain ignorant.
Hey…I just made the connection. MLive is now marketing articles directly toward the ignorant idiots that leave 90% of the comments there! Brilliant!
Coming next Monday, HUGE will write a piece saying how “DUMBrowski should trade Raburn and Thomas to New York for Jose Reyes”.
If he fails again, there is no way he returns next season as the Tigers manager.
Depends on the situation. What is failure? What are the circumstances? Will there be another run of injuries? What is FSD Girl Lauren’s cell number? How low is her self-esteem?
Questions must be answered. A lot can happen the rest of the way.
I hope he proves me wrong and his resting system finally pays off.
Yes, the resting system that I already proved is bullshit this year.
Verlander is Cy Young material
No shit. Stop the presses.
I do love the Tigers.
Like OJ loved Nicole.
That is why Leyland annoys me so much.
You see all this winning we’re doing? FUCK YOU, Jim Leyland!
On the upside, I will say watching Justin Verlander pitch this year is something special.
Special? Like when a butterfly lands on a “slow” child’s finger?
He has that old-school look of a dominant pitcher who can throw a no-hitter every time he takes to the mound.
Old school? WTF? Like this?
I do like "V-train" as a nickname I came up with for him.
I’m so brilliant! V-Train. HOHOHOHOHOHOOOOO…the WIT!
/smells own farts
He is a machine. The guy is the front runner for the Cy Young.
It’s a two-man race between him and Beckett. But I’m with you, for once.
I hope Leyland respects the V-train
enough to set up the rotation the next two weeks so Verlander starts the All-Star Game for the American League in Phoenix.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
I thought you wanted to win games. Like GAMES THAT COUNT! I thought you didn’t want to unnecessarily rest players. And NOW you want to skip JV a day so he can pitch one inning in a fucking MEANINGLESS game that he got to pitch in last year?
You, sir, are a moron. A colossal fucking moron.
Why does every major Tiger site have a good reporter or two and then at least one raving mental patient? Is it the law in Detroit?
Knowing Leyland, he will never go against his crotchety, old set ways.
Thank Allah, Buddah, and Diesel Daigle for that.
The AL Central is sitting there for the Tigers to win.
But we should skip our ace so he can pitch in the All-Star game instead.
/breathes with mouth wide open for ten minutes
Let’s hope these well-rested players deliver in the second half this time around and get to the playoffs.
But what will you have to bitch about then?
Fucking sports radio assholes. They’re all the same. HUGE failures at sports writing.
and Hi Folks,
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
We cram so much into our lives and live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?
Life's not a race... Hear the music before the song is over. 'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!'
TAKES A WHILE TO GET GOING BUT IT'S WORTH IT.........
RIGGLEMAN: Two oh oh five, my good amigo! Two thousand and five! Hell, most folks thought this team was still the Expos then, my man!
RODRIGUEZ: ¿Que? What is “Expo”?
RIGGLEMAN: An “Expo” is a thing of the past, my friend. I can’t thank you enough for the job you’re doing, Pudge. You’ve become quite a leader to these young men here.
RODRIGUEZ: Whatever. As long as I get paid. Trade me. I no care.
RIGGLEMAN: Haha…you’re too modest. I tell you, I’ve never been this proud of a baseball team in my entire life…
/loud banging on door
RIGGLEMAN: Holy heckfire, what’s that racket? Yeah, come in!
/door flies open
RIGGLEMAN: Gary? Is that you? Wow…long time, no see. What are you doing here?
SHEFFIELD: Sheff’s here to change your life, asshole, THAT’S WHAT! Hey, Paco. Sheff remembers you. Fuck off!
RODRIGUEZ: ¿Que? Who you? Look familiar. Loud guy on that team in the dirty town. Wait. I no care. I go now…count money. Later, manager guy.
RIGGLEMAN: Now, Gary, what do you mean “change my life”? My life couldn’t be better right now. My team is playing better than they have since moving to Washington! Have you seen our record?
SHEFFIELD: Oh! Isn’t that fucking nice! You on a winning streak. Well, whoopdie fucking doo! You still suck, Riggleman! You still the fucking Nationals! You still got 90 year old Livan fucking Hernandez anchoring your staff! Sheff played with that Cuban fuck 20 years ago in Florida. He was in his sixties then, suckin’ on Fidel Castro’s dick!
RIGGLEMAN: Please, Gary. What do you want?
SHEFFIELD: Jim, you getting’ played, son.
RIGGLEMAN: Played? In what way?
SHEFFIELD: You on a winning streak. You got these boys playin’ over they head. Overpaid cocksuckers like Jayson Werth and that Mexican that just left, has-beens like Matt Stairs and Livan, scrub bitches like Jerry Hairston and Alex Cora…you got ‘em ALL hustlin’ and playin’ hard like they got a chance in hell at winning this shit.
RIGGLEMAN: We do! And I’m very proud of this team!
SHEFFIELD: Sheff feels ya, Jimbo. Sheff feels ya. But how this team rewardin’ a badass motherfucka like yourself, huh? How much they payin’ you?
RIGGLEMAN: I’m fairly compensa…
SHEFFIELD: You the LOWEST PAID motherfuckin’ manager in the WHOLE GAME, son! You make less than whoever the fuckin’ ROYALS have runnin’ they club this week! The asshole managing the Pirates make more than you, Jim! The PIRATES! Sheff knows what’s up! You bein’ played like a bitch!
RIGGLEMAN: Now, Gary, I’m sure that after this season…
SHEFFIELD: What? What happens then? THEY take the credit and dump your ass for that cocksucker Bobby Valentine? Or how ‘bout this shit. How about Ryan Zimmerman gets the clap from some DC hooker and goes on the DL for two months while they clean barnacles off his dick? What happens if Tom Gorzel…whateva his fuckin’ name is remembers that he absolutely fucking sucks? What then, Jim? You ain’t got no SECURITY, my man! Your GM just got his ass a five year extension? Rizzo got his love! Where was Jim Riggleman’s extension, huh? Tell me, Jim! Sheff’s waitin’!
RIGGLEMAN: I didn’t get one. But surely I’ll be extended when they see…
SHEFFIELD: When they see what, Jim? That they manager has NO FUCKING BALLS? Is that it? You the one working your ASS off for this team. You the one making turning their SHIT into SHINOLA! You the one with sleepless nights and the ulcers, know what I’m sayin’?
SHEFFIELD: You know what Sheff would do if Sheff was given Laynce Nix in the outfield and told to win games? Sheff would fucking shoot himself. You getting’ PLAYED, Jim!
RIGGLEMAN: I don’t know, Gary…
SHEFFIELD: You…don’t…know. Tell me, Jim. Is you a RiggleMAN or is you a RiggleBITCH?
RIGGLEMAN: Now that’s quite enough, Gary! I’m all man, I assure you.
SHEFFIELD: Then get your security, Jim. You tell them motherfuckers you want yo ass an extension and a raise or you outta this bitch. Fuck em. Someone else’ll hire your ass, right?
RIGGLEMAN: (quietly) It really isn’t fair, is it?
SHEFFIELD: FUCK NO, it ain’t fair, son! Sheff ain’t been treated fair in ten years! Sheff knows unfair treatment when Sheff sees it! You go get your contract RiggleMAN!
RIGGLEMAN: Right…RIGHT! You’re RIGHT, Gary! I’m gonna call them…FUCKERS up and get me a new contract! Or I’m out of here! Damn right! Jim Riggleman is no one’s door mat!
SHEFFIELD: Now you talkin’, Jim! Sheff’s proud of yo ass. You go tell that Rizzo bitch to lick yo nuts.
RIGGLEMAN: One thing, Gary. Why, after all these years, and when we were really never friends before, would you come here and help me now?
SHEFFIELD: I dunno. Don’t got much else to do. Tigers payin’ me deferred duckets to do jack shit. And I don’t like seein’ a good man like yourself getting’ treated like no dog. You better’n that, Jim.
RIGGLEMAN: Thank you, Gary. Take care of yourself. I’ve got a PHONE CALL to make!
SHEFFIELD: You can come out now.
/bathroom door opens
SHEFFIELD: Yup. They really gonna give you the job if that nutjob quits?
JOHNSON: That’s what they said. They were the only team still willing to give me a chance. Even the Mets said no.
SHEFFIELD: Shit, and they even took me!
JOHNSON: I know. Well congratulations, Gary. You did your job. Couldn’t have done it without you. I thank you.
SHEFFIELD: Take “thank you” and shove it up yo ass! Sheff wants a job, son! You said you’d add Sheff to the roster! Sheff can’t DEAL with bein’ around my family no more, Davey. Get Sheff outta the house, son! Sheff still gots game!
JOHNSON: I said I’d try, Gary. That’s all I can do.
SHEFFIELD: Motha FUCKA! Sheff got PLAYED again! Fuck you, Davey Johnson! FUCK YOU! Riggleman! HANG UP THE PHONE! HANG UP THAT PHONE! Awwww….shit!
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
On the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house..
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous! A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6.. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is 'not' up there?'
You probably knew all that. But Sparky Anderson was much more than numbers and stats. He was a man that had an intense love for both baseball and his family. And he was remarkable in his ability to keep them separated from each other, yet devote all his passion to them equally.
On the field, he was Sparky, the fireplug, quotable, loveable, white-haired leader that everyone could rally behind. He was the unquestioned leader that shaped the minds and careers of Tiger greats like Kirk Gibson, Alan Trammell, and countless others.
At home, he was George, a quiet man dedicated to his loved ones and his community. There, he was a proud husband and father that everyone loved even more than even those on the baseball diamond did.
In a world of declining role models, he was one of the finest I can think of.
Tomorrow, the Tigers finally retire Sparky’s number. It’s a shame they have waited so long to do so, but that’s another matter. No, tomorrow will be a special day for the tens of thousands who have loved and admired the man over the years. As a youngster, I worshipped Sparky and grew to do nothing but respect him more and more as I got older.
I’m going to be there in the crowd tomorrow to remember the man, say goodbye, and most importantly to me, say thank you once last time.
Bless you, Sparky. You were one of a kind.
But how did this all come about? How did he and Tiger GM David Dombrowski decide that he was ready to return to the team? I mean Danny Worth and Don Kelly, while not quite A-Rod over there, were doing fine in Inge’s absence. Well, fine for them, I guess.
Luckily, DNR has spies and connections everywhere. And I managed to get my hands on DD’s personal cell phone records and have a transcript of the texting that went on between him and Inge regarding Brandon’s return. I am happy to share this exclusive with all of you now.
INGE: Hello, David. Do u have a moment to spare?
DOMBROWSKI: hi :) how r u ingy?
INGE: I’m doing quite well, thank you. Feeling super!!!
DOMBROWSKI: rilly? herd ur dying lol
INGE: Haha. Hardly, fella. It’s going to take more than mono to keep me away! Golly, I miss Detroit. I think I’m ready to come back. I miss the team and the fans so much.
DOMBROWSKI: lol whatev
INGE: No, I’m serious, sir.
DOMBROWSKI: omg, I thought ur kidding :P surry
INGE: Sure thing, pal. Can I come back Friday?
DOMBROWSKI: yer #s in toledo suk lol. u sure?
INGE: That’s not fair, David. Mono is very serious. I was quite weak for a while. But I’m feeling better. Working hard! Hustling on every play! Hit 2 HRs, too...
DOMBROWSKI: yeah vs aaa pitching rotfl j/k…u gettin layd there???
INGE: Sir! I’m a married man.
DOMBROWSKY: k…my bad. :/ yer not as kewl as sardinha I guess…
INGE: What? Anyway, I’m ready to come back, Dave. Better than ever.
DOMBROWSKI: im sure u r. how r they treeting u???
INGE: Swell. I missed a lot of these fellas. But It’s troubling. Me, Clete, and Will keep getting letters threatening our lives with the letters individually cut out from newspapers. All signed “Bogo” or something. They don't make much sense.
DOMBROWSKI: :( that sux. how r da boyz there?
INGE: They’re great! They miss their buddy Raburn though.
DOMBROWSKI: give it a week or so
DOMBROWSKI: nothin lol.
INGE: Does the Skipper miss me? I bet he does!
DOMBROWSKI: not rilly
INGE: What? Why?
DOMBROWSKI: u no he luvs kelly. thinx hez hawt lol. donnys playin evry day. jim sez hes gr8. better than u lolz
INGE: C’mon, David. I’m ready. Detroit needs me.
DOMBROWSKI: get moar SWEET tattoos????? rotflmao!
INGE: Perhaps I should call Mr. Ilitch…
DOMBROWSKI: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ummmmm ok its kewl we will send danny down. jerk :( i wuz just fuckin wit u. :/
INGE: Thank you, sir. You won’t regret it. I assure you. We’ll make the playoffs THIS year, dog gonnit!
DOMBROWSKI: u better or im fukd
INGE: You can count on me, sir! Tell the Skipper I’m coming! Woo hoo!
DOMBROWSKI: yup gotta go. ttyl. team jacob 4eva!
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all,
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks...
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King,
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
Its scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; my soul please take!
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
I mean, in Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander, we have (at the very least) a top three talent as far as both a position player and a pitcher go. You’d think there’d be marketing opportunities out there on a national level for guys of their stature. Does it really hurt them that much that they aren’t members of the Yankees or Red Sox? The last Tiger I can remember doing national ads was Kirk Gibson for Right Guard back in the day. And I think he had to become a Dodger to get that.
I’m sure many of our guys have small deals with batting or fielding glove manufacturers. Probably some minor shoe deals, too. But I’m talking about the big picture. In 2008, Dallas quarterback Tony Romo signed a five year, $10 million endorsement deal with Starter. Starter? Really? I haven’t seen anyone wear Starter gear since 1995. Tiger Woods makes approximately a gazillion dollars from Nike every TEN MINUTES! Our guys need to get in on the action, I’m thinking.
That’s why I’m going to do my best to analyze the market and figure out what our guys could and should be endorsing for cash. This is the first installment of this and I’ll try to come up with two of them each time.
And which Tiger would be PERFECT to get the nation excited about drinking Pepsi once again?
/kisses can of Pepsi
COKE: Yup. There’s nothing Coke loves MORE than Pepsi
/does “come here” motion with finger…it snaps
BOTH: It’ll change your life!
/they high-five…both breaking their arms
I should be an agent...
And that will be it for the Tigers portion of today’s post. No, the rest of this will deal with something personal. It will deal with some prick allegedly ripping off my work on his sports talk program. If this doesn’t interest you, then come back next time. We’ll get back to our originally scheduled programming of making fun of Detroit Tigers baseball and/or those that write about it poorly.
But for now, I want to speak on a man. A man named Brady.
There I was ,
The last 2 mornings, the Fan 590 (Toronto) Morning Show host Greg Brady has taken jokes made by you the previous day. Yesterday morning, in reference to Jack McKeon, talked about how he would ensure that everyone could go to Cracker Barrel for 7:00 (we don't have any Cracker Barrels here.. clearly he didn't invent this joke). This morning, he was going on about the stupid names of Jennie Finch's kids.
Kyle is referring to my post the evening of June 20th where I mock-imagined the clubhouse of the Florida Marlins with Jack McKeon in charge of the team. I had him talking about going to Cracker Barrel for breakfast since it is one of the favorite restaurants of old folks where I come from. Allegedly, Brady made the same joke during the 7am hour on June 21st.
The Jennie Finch thing was a tweet I made on June 21st making fun of the silly names she has chosen for her children. Brady supposedly mocked Finch in the same manner during the 7am hour the next day, again.
Odd, isn’t it? Now Kyle only listens to Brady’s show for about a half hour each day on his way to work during the 7am hour. If for two days in a row this has happened during that small window of time, how often does it really happen? The guy’s show goes for several hours. This is the question that Kyle asked me. I tried to review these broadcasts myself over at “The Fan’s” show log, but my computer is a piece of garbage and I couldn’t download the shows for some reason. I’m having to take Kyle’s word on this right now.
Of course, this could all be a coincidence. There is no way on earth that I can be the only person to be cracking jokes about McKeon’s age and Jennie Finch being a dumb twat. But then I looked up Mr. Brady on Wikipedia. And when I did, I nearly shit my pants. Here’s a bit talking about his job history.
He began his career in broadcasting at CIXX-FM, the campus radio station of Fanshawe College. Then moving on to CKLW in Windsor, Ontario. Then joining WDFN in the late 1990s. He appeared in various broadcast roles at WDFN before he settled in to co-hosting the Jamie and Brady show, with Jamie Samuelsen, from 2002 to 2007.
You’ve gotta be fist-fucking me. WDFN is a Detroit station. And Jamie Samuelsen, as many of you that follow this blog may know, is the Superman to my Lex Luthor. I’ve poked fun at many of Jamie’s articles written at the freep site over the past couple years. Let’s just say that he annoys me at times with his opinions on Tigers baseball.
So let’s recap. A sports talk DJ that has ties to Detroit, and was the partner for several years of a guy that I continuously mock, has used the same jokes as me the day after I post them for a couple days in a row. Is this a coincidence…or is this cocksucker ripping me off?
If he’s ripping me off, then Greg, let me say FUCK and YOU. As if I didn’t think that 99% of sports-talk assholes weren’t talentless flaps of dick skin before, I sure do now. According to the same Wikipedia page…
Brady was fired along with co-host Samuelsen and update host Matt Shepard in November 2007. Both Samuelsen and Shepard were eventually rehired by WDFN, leaving Brady as the only member of that show not to return to Detroit radio. As a non-American citizen without employment, Brady was forced to move back to his native Canada…
Holy shit, Samuelsen was the more TALENTED one that HE got rehired? Jesus Christ, you must be a fucking jackoff. Kyle tells me that you’re one of those prick DJ’s that think you sound smarter the louder you talk. I can only imagine the dogshit you spew to your poor, maple syrup drinking, Canadian listeners.
So do me a favor, you unoriginal, plagiarizing, worthless piece of shit, irritated cock wart: stop. Come up with your own bad jokes. Leave mine alone. If you think I’m worth stealing from, give me a shout-out. Spread the love. Show your work, dammit. But again, I’d prefer if you just stop. I don’t want an apology. Don’t send me an email. I don’t want any “war of words”. I just want you to stop. Or I will make it a top priority to start fucking with you. I’ve got the free time. And, by the way, thanks for reading!
The format of this very blog is not original. But I give credit to my sources and those I take my style(s) from. Giving props to sites like Fire Joe Morgan, Kissing Suzy Kolber, and other sites that I occasionally emulate do not make my work any less fun to read or write, I don’t think. But I’m not going to pretend that I’m some genius by tearing apart a bad sports article (usually written by Samuelsen). FJM did it for years and did it a hellova lot better than I ever will. I don’t try and fool my audience into thinking I’m the first to imagine silly scenes like the McKeon one. KSK has been doing that for years and they’re amazing at it.
But what I can’t stand to see is some clown stealing someone else’s work and claiming it as their own. I caught Deadspin doing it a year or so ago with some of Samara’s stuff from Roar of the Tigers. I know Kurt from BYB has had his work ripped off in the past by the Freep. And I’m sure many others out there, probably many reading this, have had it happen to them, too. It’s irritating, more than anything.
So stop, Greg. You fuck.
Now, if this all IS once big coincidence, then I apologize. Maybe this was all a mistake. Sorry that any of this was mentioned. I wish you luck in the future, Mr. Brady. Forget everything I just said. Go Leafs, eh?
But if it happens again, we officially have a problem. Don’t make me put a bounty on the teeth of your children. (Just kidding!) But we will have a problem.
Thanks to the few people out there that I respect that I contacted for their advice on how to handle this. For those of you that suggested I take the “high road”, well, I think we both knew that wasn’t going to happen.
And as for you, Kyle, thanks for reading, being a fan of the site, and sharing this with me. And FUCK YOU FOR RUINING MY DAY, HOSER! (Again, kidding.)
By the way, if anyone hears Greg Brady tomorrow say something about Don Kelly hitting a home run and pigs flying by and saying that it’s snowing in hell, let me know. I tweeted that today and think it would be HILARIOUS for a shitty sports talk show.
I’m gonna go get drunk now. Have a nice day, everyone.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter - "What are you doing?" she asked ... "Hunting Flies" he responded ... "Oh killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females" he replied!
Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"
"Well it's quite easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone!"
Oooohhh ! I would love to be able to dance this ..... My Dad who was an amazing dancer, taught me to dance and the tango was his favourite - I would give anything to see him and my Mum (another great dancer) dancing this and I also would love to 'have a go' too ...... Rob and I loved to go dancing though Rob now can't take the chance of getting blisters as it takes months for his feet to recover from them (diabetes has a lot to answer for).
This video features Flavia Cacace and Vincent Simone who are prizewinners and amazing exponents of the Argentine Tango .... (2009 on Strictly Come Dancing) .