Blonde Funny / Dulcimer ?

Hi There,


I love blonde funnies and hope you enjoy this one ...

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words."I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug that thing in."

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

I paid a visit to lom's site recently where she had loaded ' Kubla Khan' - it's a beautiful poem which when you read it you feel like you can actually hear the rhythm of the words sounding like music. ( Ahem...... there is a possibility that I sound like I have gone doolally here but hey... what the hell ! )

In the poem there is mention of a dulcimer, this is a type of musical instrument which, according to Rob, his father made and repaired, so ... having read the poem I was again reminded to check out ' dulcimer ' on the net (via Google) and the next part shows one of them on You Tube - I hope you enjoy it !







Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.

Is Trader Dave Any Good at Making Trades?

David Dombrowski has been doing this for a long time, you know. From 1988-1991, he was GM of the Montreal Expos. He followed that up being the GM of the Florida Marlins from 1993-2001, winning a World Series along the way. And of course, he’s been the GM of the Tigers from 2002-now. I thought I’d take a look at Dave’s trading history over the years and see how they’ve turned out.

Now, I’m not going to cover EVERY trade. That would take forever, first of all, as Dave has done dozens and dozens of deals over the years. And secondly, does anyone really want my dumb ass trying to analyze the epic Jeff Reed/Herm Winningham/Randy St. Claire for Tracy Jones/Pat Pacillo trade of 1988?

I didn’t think so. But I will go in chronological order through Dave’s career covering any big names he’s been involved in trades with. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?


5/25/89: Dave’s Expos trade Brian Holman, Gene Harris, and Randy Johnson to Seattle for Mark Langston and Mike Campbell. Langston came to Montreal and pitched well, going 12-9 with a microscopic 2.39 ERA. He didn’t stick around, though, bolting for the Angels as a free agent after the season. Johnson, meanwhile, became a sensation for Seattle and went on to a probable Hall of Fame career. The Expos finished the season 81-81 and in fourth place.

Dave is 0-1 in notable trades.

8/16/90: Montreal trades Zane Smith to Pittsburgh for Willie Greene, Scott Ruskin, and a player to be named later. That player would be Moises Alou. The young Alou would go on to play in parts of 6 seasons in Montreal hitting .292 with 84 homers and 373 RBI. He would go on to six All-Star games, however only one was as an Expo. Zane Smith went 6-2 with a 1.30 (!) ERA for Jim Leyland’s Pirates helping them win their division and make it to the NLCS where they would lose to the eventual World Series Champion Cincinnati Reds. He would then pitch 5 more years in Pittsburgh going a total of 47-41 with a 3.35 ERA. Both teams did well here as Alou didn’t become a star until leaving Montreal.

I’ll give Dave a push on this one taking him to 0-1-1.

12/23/90: Montreal trades Tim Raines, Jeff Carter, and Mario Brito to the White Sox for Ivan Calderon and Barry Jones. Raines was a seven-time All-Star at this point and probably Montreal’s most popular player. He would be a productive starter for another 8 years before becoming a good bench guy his final couple seasons. Calderon was thought to be a power guy, but had only one decent year in Montreal before being traded to Boston in December of 1992 for two no-namers and being out of baseball a year later.

Dave drops to 0-2-1.

4/1/91: Expos trade Otis Nixon and Boi Rodriguez to Atlanta for Jimmy Kremers and Keith Morrison. Kremers and Morrison never amounted to anything. Nixon, however, for the next 8 years would be in the Top Ten in the league in stolen bases as he bounced around. He would play in two different World Series matchups for the Braves.

0-3-1

11/17/92: Now with the Marlins, Dave trades Danny Jackson to Philadelphia for Joel Adamson and Matt Whisenant. Jackson would be a key part in the Phillies’ World Series run in ’93 and be even better for them in ’94. Adamson and Whisenant never amounted to anything.

0-4-1…ugh.

6/24/93: Traded Trevor Hoffman, Jose Martinez, and Andres Beruman to San Diego for Gary Sheffield and Rich Rodriguez (not the Michigan coach). Sheff would spend parts of six seasons as a Marlin hitting 122 homers there and helping them win a World Series along the way. Hoffman would make six All-Star games as a Padre, three times finish in the Top 5 in the Cy Young voting, and become MLB’s all-time saves leader. Only because I think saves are over-valued do I give Dave another push here. But I can see arguments either way on this one, I guess.

0-4-2

7/17/93: Florida trades Cris Carpenter to Texas for Robb Nen and Kurt Miller. Carpenter and Miller didn’t last long, but Nen saved 108 games as a Marlin before going to San Francisco to save another 206. Dave finally gets his first win in a major trade. Hooray! It only took him five years…

1-4-2

11/29/94: Marlins trade Carl Everett to the Mets for Quilvio Veras. Everett, though a nutjob, would go on to hit 200 home runs for various teams and make two All-Star games. Veras led the NL in stolen bases in 1995 for Florida, but would be traded a little over a year later.

1-5-2

8/8/95: Dave trades Bobby Witt to Texas for two players to be named later: Wilson Heredia and Scott Podsednik. Witt wins 33 games the next 2 ½ years in Texas. Heredia is quickly forgotten and Scotty Pods never plays for the Marlins and later leaves as a free agent.

1-6-2

7/31/96: Florida trades David Weathers to the Yankees for Mark Hutton. Weathers goes on to play 13 more years including a 33 save season in 2007. Hutton would pitch 45 games as a middle reliever in Florida.

1-7-2

4/26/97: DD trades Dustin Hermanson and Joe Orsulak to Montreal for Cliff Floyd. Hermanson pitches in 323 games the rest of his year including four solid seasons as a starter for the Expos. Floyd hits 110 homers as a Marlin before being traded back to Montreal later. I’ll give it to him.

Dave now has 2 good trades, 7 bad ones, and 2 pushes.

7/27/97: Florida trades Mark Hutton to Colorado for Craig Counsell. We’ve covered Hutton, but Counsell spends three SCRAPPY seasons as the Marlins 2nd baseman and goes 12 for 41 (.293) with 5 RBI in the ’97 playoffs for Florida.

3-7-2

8/12/97: Marlins trade Rick Helling to Texas for Ed Vosberg. In ’98, Helling would win 20 games for the Rangers and 13, 16, and 12 the next three years there. Vosberg would appear in 17 uneventful games out of the Florida pen.

3-8-2

11/11/97: Dave trades Moises Alou to Houston for Manuel Barrios, Oscar Henriquez, and Mark Johnson. Alou would be a great hitter for another decade. Yikes, Dave.

3-9-2

11/18/97: Florida trades Robb Nen to San Francisco for Joe Fontenot, Mike Pageler, and Mike Villano. That didn’t work out well.

3-10-2

12/15/97: Marlins trade Kevin Brown to San Diego for Derrek Lee, Steve Hoff, and Rafael Medina. Brown remains an elite pitcher for several years in SD, LA, and NY. Lee hits .264 with 129 homers in 6 years in Florida before being moved to Chicago. Considering they were in severe cost-cutting mode in Florida at this time, I’m giving Dave a win here. I’m quite generous, aren’t I? Later on, the Fish would trade Lee to Chicago for a bunch of garbage, but Dave can’t be blamed for that one.

4-10-2

2/6/98: Dombrowski trades Al Leiter and Ralph Millard to the Mets for AJ Burnett, Jesus Sanchez, and Robert Stratton. Leiter wins 95 games in 7 seasons as a Met. Burnett only goes 49-50 for Florida, but his 3.73 ERA over those 7 years in Florida shows he didn’t have much support. I’ll give it a push.

4-10-3

5/14/98: This is the biggest trade of Dave’s career at this point. He deals Bobby Bonilla, Manuel Barrios, Jim Eisenreich, Charles Johnson, and Gary Sheffield to the Dodgers for Mike Piazza and Todd Zeile. Only Sheff would be productive after this trade for LA. Zeile only played 66 games in Florida. Piazza only played in 5 games for the Marlins for being dumped. Considering Sheff was still at the top of his game here, I’m counting this is a loss. You’ll see more on why in just a second.

4-11-3

5/22/98: Traded Mike Piazza to the Mets for Preston Wilson, Ed Yarnall, and Geoff Goetz. Wilson was okay for a while, but he’s no Mike Piazza.

4-12-3

7/31/98: Remember Todd Zeile? Now he and Piazza are already gone as Todd’s dealt to Texas for Daniel DeYoung and Jose Santo, neither of who ever see the majors. Zeile plays another 7 seasons of solid baseball.

4-13-3

12/14/98: Dave trades Edgar Renteria to St. Louis for Armando Almanza, Braden Looper, and Pablo Ozuna. Renteria goes on to play in four All-Star games after the trade. I’m sure we’ll be hearing about him later, too.

4-14-3

2/1/99: Florida trades Mark Johnson, Todd Noel, and Ed Yarnell to the Yankees for Mike Lowell. Easy win for Dave here.

5-14-3

6/14/99: Trades Craig Counsell to the Dodgers for Ryan Moskau. Counsell, while not a star, is still playing today. Moskau…not so much.

5-15-3

7/8/99: Marlins trade Matt Mantei to Arizona for Vladimir Nunez, Abraham Nunez, and Brad Penny. Mantei’s career would be ruined by injury. Penny’s hadn’t even started yet. Win.

6-15-3

7/25/99: Traded Livan Hernandez for Nate Bump and JASON GRILLI. Fail.

6-16-3

12/13/99: Traded Johan Santana AND CASH to Minnesota for Jared Camp who never saw the majors. Good lord, Dave. Worst trade ever…and I never knew Dave did this. So, HE’S the one that cursed us with having to face Santana all those years. Fire him, Mr. I.  (Note, esteemed know-it-all, Blake from the blog-in-hibernation, The Spotstarters, tells me in fairness to DD, Santana was a Rule 5 pick and the trade was arranged ahead of time.)

Dave’s now 6-17-3.

6/9/00: Florida trades ex-Tiger Danny Bautista to Arizona for Andy Fox. Fox was awful. Danny was not.

6-18-3

3/28/01: Dave trades Mark Kotsay and Cesar Crespo to San Diego for Matt Clement, Eric Owens, and Omar Ortiz. Kotsay has his best years as a Padre while Clement goes 9-10 with a 5.05 ERA in his lone Marlin season. Another loss.

6-19-3

7/5/02: Welcome to Detroit, Dave. Tigers trade Jeff Weaver and cash in an three-team-deal with the Yankees and A’s and receive Carlos Pena, Jeremy Bonderman, and Franklyn German. It was a big deal at the time and ended up helping the Tigers as Bondo was a key part of the team before hurting himself. Pena had his moments, too, before going on to better things in Tampa. It was a win as Weaver was never the same except when he faced us in the ’06 World Series.

7-19-3

7/23/02: Dave trades Brian Moehler, Matt Boone, and cash to Cincinnati for David Espinosa, Noochie Varner (great name), and Jorge Cordova. Moehler would start another 121 games in the majors. The three guys we got never contributed.

7-20-3

7/25/02: Trades Tom Farmer and Jason Frasor to the Dodgers for Hiram Bocachica. Frasor goes on to be one of the better relievers in the game still today, while Bocachica hits .192 in two Tiger seasons. Sigh.

Dave is now 7-21-3.

1/11/03: Tigers trade Mark Redman and Jerrod Fuell to Florida for Gary Knotts, Rob Henkel, and Nate Mothertruckin’ Robertson. This is a win because without this trade, you would probably be reading the “Release Don Kelly Before I Burn Down An Orphanage” blog instead of “Designate Robertson”.

8-21-3

1/8/04: Traded Juan Gonzalez (no, not THAT one) and Ramon Santiago (yes, THAT one) to Seattle for Carlos Guillen. Despite what it’s costing us now, this is an easy win for Dave.

9-21-3

4/1/04: Tigers trade Cody Ross to the Dodgers for Steve Colyer. Colyer never panned out while Ross would blossom in the NL into a fine player. Fail.

9-22-3

1/5/04: Traded Anderson Hernandez to the Mets for Vance Wilson. Vance sucked in ’05, but was a great backup catcher for us in ’06 before injuries shortened his career.

10-22-3

2/9/05: Detroit trades Roberto Novoa, Scott Moore, and Bo Flowers to the Cubs for Kyle Farnsworth. Despite my hatred for The Farns now, this was a good trade as Kyle performed well in Detroit his first time around.

11-22-3

1/8/05: Traded future murderer Ugueth Urbina and Ramon Martinez to Philadelphia for Placido Polanco. This was a steal for Dombrowski, Detroit, and all of us.

12-22-3

7/31/05: Traded Farnsworth to Atlanta for Zach Miner and Roman Colon. Miner wasn’t great, but he ate up some innings. Farnsworth was still good at this point, too, so I’m calling it a wash.

12-22-4

7/31/06: Traded Brian Rogers to Pittsburgh for Sean Casey. Great trade by Dombrowski that helped us reach the World Series.

13-22-4

11/10/06: Tigers trade Humberto Sanchez, Anthony Claggett, and Kevin Whalen to the Yankees for Gary Sheffield. This is a win, though the contract extension Dave would give to Sheff would hurt us down the line. If Sanchez never got hurt playing in the minors for NY, this could have really hurt if he panned out.

14-22-4

6/22/07: Traded Mike Maroth to St. Louis for Chris Lambert. Maroth never mattered after this, but neither did Lambert. I only put it on here because I was a big fan of Mike’s and if this trade doesn’t happen, maybe Mike doesn’t get hurt and his career continues in Detroit. Whatever, it’s a wash.

14-22-5

8/14/07: Detroit trades Jack Hannahan to Oakland for Jason Perry. Hannahan’s still in the bigs helping Cleveland off to their big start. Perry…never heard of him.

14-23-5

8/23/07: Traded Craig Monroe and cash to the Cubs for Clay Rapada. Initially, I was going to call this a loss, but Craig was done at this point. Rapada was inoffensive in his limited Tiger action. It’s a push, though I don’t know why we gave cash in the deal.

14-23-6

12/29/07: Detroit trades Gorkys Hernandez and Jair Jurrjens to Atlanta for Edgar Renteria. Hindsight’s a bitch, isn’t it? Epic fail.

14-24-6

11/12/07: Dave trades Omar Infante to the Cubs for Jacque Jones’ corpse. Awful.

14-25-6

12/4/07: The BIG one. Tigers trade Cameron Maybin, Andrew Miller, Eulogio de la Cruz, Mike Rabelo, and Burke Badenhop to the Marlins for Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera. Sorry, Marlins fans.

15-25-6

2/5/08: Tigers trade Michael Hernandez to Texas for Armando Galarraga. We all know Armando’s story. Hernandez never had one. Another win for Dave.

16-25-6

4/30/08: Dave trades Jason Grilli to Colorado for Zach Simons. Simons hasn’t seen the show, but it got Grilli out of here. That’s a win to me.

17-25-6

7/30/08: Detroit trades Ivan Rodriguez to the Yankees for Kyle Farnsworth. No, no, no…

17-26-6

12/7/08: DD trades Guillermo Moscoso and Carlos Melo to Texas for Gerald Laird. Laird was good on D, people. Give him that.

18-26-6

12/10/08: Tigers trade Matt Joyce to Tampa for Edwin Jackson. This worked out well for us in EJax’s short time in the D. Joyce hasn’t done anything until this year. It’s a win, especially if you consider what Edwin would help bring us later.

19-26-6

7/31/09: Traded Luke French and Maricio Robles for Jarrod Washburn. Washburn was washed up as a Tiger. French and Robles still have futures. Loss.

19-27-6

8/17/09: Dave trades Brett Jacobson to Baltimore for Aubrey Huff. This seemed like a good idea at the time, but Huff was awful other than his walk-off against Toronto. Jacobson’s now an AA pitcher in the Twins organization where he’s 1-0 with a 2.93 ERA. Not a win, but not a loss, either.  Yet.

19-27-7

12/9/09: The OTHER big one. Traded Edwin Jackson and Curtis Granderson in a three-team-deal with the Yankees and Diamondbacks for Austin Jackson, Phil Coke, Daniel Schlereth, and Max Scherzer. This has worked out well so far.

20-27-7

The Scott Sizemore deal and any others are too soon to judge. But Dave’s trading record, while better since coming to Detroit, is not very good overall. Obviously, if we’re going to contend in September and October, some more trades are going to be needed by DD and the Tigers.

But will it be a Cabrera deal…or a Santana deal?

Thanks to baseball-reference.com and mlbtraderumors.com for being invaluable in putting this together.

Multiple Reactions on the Sizemore/Purcey Deal

After letting myself calm down for a while, I still don’t like the trade of Scott Sizemore to Oakland for David Purcey. I’m sure you all have your opinions, too. Perhaps the best reaction I’ve seen has come from Big Al over at BYB. Great stuff there. But we still haven’t heard from so many of the famous great minds out there. Who has the grapefruits to pick the brains of these geniuses?

/points at self

This guy, bitches. DNR has gone to the experts for their opinion. Did Dave Dombrowski do well in this deal? Will David Purcey drop his career ERA under 5.00 as a Tiger? Has Will Rhymes stopped sobbing into his tiny hands after the promotion of Danny Worth? Will Ryan Raburn still wear an iron skillet on his left hand while playing second base? Has ANYONE thought of the children?

Just follow after the jump for weak attempts at humor.



RANDY SMITH: One of the best deals I’ve ever seen. It would have been better if Brad Ausmus were somehow involved, though.
RICHARD BERNSTEIN: Even I can see that this is a horrible trade. 

/knocks over lamp
EAT ‘EM UP TIGERS GUY: Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up! Eat ‘em up Tigers, eat ‘em up!
FSD GIRL LAUREN: What? Sonofabitch! Well, he’s still paying for the abortion! Um, where’s Oakland again? Is it in Florida? Hee hee…
JEREMY BONDERMAN: (drool runs down chin) IF I MAKE BOOM BOOM IN THE BIG BOY POTTY, I GET ICE CREAM. YAAAAAAY, ICE CREAM!
JUSTIN VERLANDER: …fuck.

/begins sharpening knives
ROD ALLEN: (repeating words spoken through his earpiece) This is a good deal for both teams. Scott Sizemore wasn’t hitting well and perhaps a change of scenery is what he needs to get over the hump. David Purcey is a BIG BOY! He’s sure to bring some quality stuff to the Tigers’ bullpen. David Dombrowski has really outdone himself here.
STUART SCOTT: Scott Sizemore? David Purcey? Never heard of ‘em. Meanwhile the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees are HEATING UP in their race to win the AL East. Speaking of HEATING UP, Lebron James is ready for the Mavs!  Also, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre!  Booyah!

/knocks over lamp
FU-TE NI: This is burrshit! I no undelstand why Domblowski tlade Sizemole fol anothel refty. Pulsey, I sule is nice pitchel, but Tigels have too many reftys as is. Who must I brow to get my lerease flom this burrshit flanchise?
BILLY BEANE: Ahhhh, hahahahahahahahahaha! BWAAAAA, hahahahahahahaha!

Size Apparently Doesn't Matter in Detroit

So, yeah, the Tigers traded starting second baseman Scott Sizemore to the Oakland A’s for left-handed reliever David Purcey. Danny Worth has been called up from Toledo to replace him. No word has been given yet on which pitcher will be sent down for Purcey.

How fitting that this deal was made on Polish-American night at Comerica Park. Insert your dumb Polack joke here about Dombrowski.

I hate this deal.


Stuff in bold comes from the Freep:

“We need to get our bullpen stronger,” general manager Dave Dombrowski said.

Agreed. And you did that with the call-ups of Charlie Furbush and Adam Wilk. Both lefties looked pretty good in their Tiger debuts, especially Furbush. They've looked much better than your other lefties, injured koala rapist Brad Thomas, and inconsistent son-of-Stink, Daniel Schlereth. You needed a proven right-handed reliever. Not another lefty. And what of Fu-Te Ni? Are we giving up on him already?

Dombrowski indicated that if Sizemore were hitting better, someone else might have been traded for relief help.

You gave him 17 games. 74 plate appearances. What a load of shit. And yeah, he was only hitting .222. But he was getting on base a bit, despite his struggles. His OBP was .329. That isn’t MVP-worthy, but here’s a partial list of guys that weren’t getting on base as well as a struggling Sizemore.

Austin Jackson: .282
Brandon Inge: .265
Ryan Raburn: .248
Brennan Boesch: .328
Don Kelly: .316
Casper Wells: .315
Andy Dirks: .292
Magglio Ordonez: .226
Will Rhymes: .321 (before being sent to Toledo)

So, when exactly will some of these guys be traded to Tampa for Kyle Farnsworth?
 
Also, here’s another fun fact for you. Do you know what Placido Polanco’s OBP was in the World Series year of 2006? If you said an identical to Sizemore .329, you get a gold star! In 2009, Polly’s last Tiger season, his OBP was .331. No wonder we let him go! Sigh…

The hitting would have improved. His track record in the minors shows it. Would he have turned into Lou Whitaker? Probably not. But look at these numbers.

In 2009, between AA and AAA, Sizemore hit .308 with 17 homers and 6 RBI. He had an OBP of .389 and an OPS of .889 in 130 games.

In 76 games with the Mud Hens in 2010, Size hit .298 with 9 homers, 37 RBI, a .378 OBP and a .850 OBP.

And of course, before being called up this year, his AAA numbers saw him hitting .408 with a 1.100 OPS.

How in the BLUE FUCKING HELL, do you give up on the kid after 74 plate appearances for David Fucking Purcey? Are you fist-fucking me, Dave?

It’s not like we have a better option for second base. Tinkerbell can’t get a ball out of the infield. Neither can Worth, but he has a better glove than Will. Raburn should be taken out and shot. And Little Ramon, as much as I love him, has hit .249/.318/.337 in 1804 career plate appearances. So let it go, people. Santiago isn’t the answer, either.

But let’s take a look at Purcey.
Yikes. A creepy ginger. Anyway, in 68 career games (59 with Toronto), David is 5-10 with a 5.17 ERA, 1.481 WHIP, allowing 8.8 hits per 9 innings, 4.5 walks per 9, and 7.7 strikeouts per 9.

Holy shit! We traded for a Brad Thomas that strikes out a few more! Yay!

So, again, Dave…what the hell, man? Is there another deal in place somewhere? Or did you make a deal, just to make a deal, to make it look like you’re trying? Did that asshole you have stuck in the middle of your chin finally translate to give you total shit-for-brains? I don’t get it.

Sizemore never seemed to be a favorite of many, but he was the best we had. Jim Leyland never seemed to care for him. Neither did my friend Kurt at Bless You Boys. But the fact remains, we are a worse baseball team today than we were yesterday, for no apparent reason.

Good luck in Oakland, Scotty. You’re probably in a better place, sadly.

Scott Sizemore Traded for Awful Lefty Reliever

I'm in shock.  My friend that's a die-hard Jays fan is mocking me repeatedly via text messaging.

Details here at BYB.

Hate to come later this evening.

I'm done with Dave Dombrowski.

Funnies

Hi There,


A
unt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'. Later that night.... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the knee…


~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Subject: WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

You'll love
this......

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.' Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?' When they read to us, they don't skip... and they don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us..

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.



A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.
''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!


It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.


Pass this on to other grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It will make their day.


~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

THE BEST POEM IN THE WORLD


I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Bob, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said,
'They’re all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

OOpppss ... JUDGE NOT!!

Remember... Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE!
OOOOppppsss !!!



Love and Peace, Kate xxx.

Andy Dirks Looks Familiar To Me

It’s been a rough day. First, the Tigers lost to the Wes Welkah Nation Sawx 56-1. Then, I came home to find my apartment flooded, items including my bed ruined, and my landlord not caring much. I took all my wet clothing to a laundromat, only to be approached by a lowlife trying the old “need cash for gas” scam on me. Not a good day for that, dude. He looked kinda like Craig Monroe, actually. He might have BEEN Craig Monroe for all I know. But, I digress…

I then come online to try and forget about how much the Baby Jesus hates Your Party Host for a while, and am immediately annoyed by the amount of praise I keep seeing thrown at the feet of new Tiger outfielder, Andy Dirks. Really, people? Really?

Is it his .227 batting average? His .292 OBP? Perhaps his below league average OPS+ of 94. Is it how he pulled a Forrest Gump on his fly-out the other night? Oh, I know. He’s dived after a couple balls. He hustles.  No one does that. He's so…I dunno…SCRAPPY.

Doesn’t Andy Dirks look a bit familiar to you all? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this mediocre act before.


Here’s a few names for you all.

/deep breath

Brent Clevlen, Clete Thomas, Jeff Larish, Michael Hollimon, Brent Dlugach, Danny Worth, Don Kelly, Josh Anderson, Will Rhymes, Jeff Frazier, Ryan Raburn, Matt Joyce, Casper Wells, Scott Sizemore and Brennan Boesch.

And that’s just off the top of my head. These below average, underwhelming, white kids have all been thrust into the Majors by the Tigers the past few years. None of them have produced at an above average level as a Tiger. Matt Joyce is off to a good start in Tampa this year. But, fuck him. The best we can point to on that list is Boesch. Sadly, his best isn’t very good, I’m afraid. Last year, his OPS+ was 99. This year, it’s 101. Combined, it’s still 99. He is average-to-below average. And he’s our #3 hitter. It goes to show you how bad our division is that we’re currently in second place.

But where did all these clowns come from? How does our organization continue to produce nothing but shit at the non-pitcher positions? I mean, look at this team. Alex Avila is the only homegrown guy on this roster that is worth a damn and a month ago, I would have happily included him on this list. Maybe in another month, he’ll be back on it. Point is, with the draft coming up, I hope DD gets his shit together, quits jerking off every time he sees a college kid throw the ball 98 mph, and starts stocking the system with quality position players. Every other team seems to be able to figure it out. Why can’t the Tigers? Cloning the same untalented player and begging any Venezuelan free agent you meet to come to Detroit is just not cutting it.

But Dave’s not the only one to blame for this. I blame the fanbase, as well, for encouraging it. Brandon Inge is the world’s most popular Tiger. He’s white and terrible. He always has been. He always will be. My gawd, Don Kelly is an IMPROVEMENT over Inge at this point! That’s embarrassing on a level that none of us can even comprehend. But most guys on that list have the non-existent “intangibles” that Jim Leyland, DD, and Joe Tigerfan alike seem to love and celebrate. Look at the reaction to the mediocre Dirks. And Rhymes before him. And Clete before him. Etc. Hell, I’m even guilty, too. I’ve ridden the Anderson, Larish, and Sizemore trains to nowhere, myself. And when I made my first trip to the CoPa a week or two ago, the place was flooded with Boesch jerseys. If we don't demand better, why should they give it to us?

So, I’m sorry, Andy Dirks. Fool me six times, shame on…just shoot me.

Before I return to mopping my bedroom floor, I should note that before this trend emerged with the untalented white guy, it was the untalented minority in center field. Again, just off the top of my head, remember Nook Logan, Andres Torres, Alex Sanchez, Hiram Bocachica, Ernie Young, Wendell Magee, George Lombard, Gene Kingsale, Roger Cedeno, Juan Encarnacion, Luis Polonia, and Brian Hunter? Thank goodness Curtis Granderson and Austin Jackson finally ended that never ending story of suck.

Sigh. Long story short (too late), I have two points. One, my life sucks. Two, this draft needs to be different. But history has shown, neither thing is likely to change.

/woe is me

//sniffle

///sorry I'm in a bad mood

The 2011 Detroit Tigers Drinking Game

Everyone’s heard of the “Rod Allen Drinking Game”, right? If not, please click this link to an updated version put together last year by the good folks at Detroit4Lyfe. I honestly cannot read through it without laughing, even through I’ve been over it a dozen times or so.

But I got to thinking recently, why stop there? This entire Tigers team could supply us with a fun drinking game, too, couldn’t they? Granted, we may not get alcohol poisoning as quickly as we do with Rod, but it’s still worth a shot.

So I give you now my version of the 2011 Detroit Tigers Drinking Game. I’m presenting these as 15 one drink, two drinks, or three drinks scenarios. If you are an “advanced” drinker, I salute you, and feel free to increase these to one, three, and five. And as a tribute to Rod Allen, I’ll include one Rod-ism in each category. Enjoy, and don’t drink and drive. We’ve had enough of that in Detroit.



ONE DRINK

-If Brandon Inge, Austin Jackson, Brennan Boesch, Scott Sizemore, or Ryan Raburn strike out. Double if it’s looking.

-Jim Leyland makes a pitching or positional change to get a lefty/righty matchup.

-Extra base hit by anyone but Inge, Don Kelly, Will Rhymes, or Clete Thomas. Double for a home run.

-Lloyd McClendon or Gene Lamont are shown in the dugout. Triple if they actually move while on camera.

-If a Bernstein Law commercial comes on without Richard Bernstein as the featured family member in the commercial.

-Multi-hit game by Miguel Cabrera, Victor Martinez, or Magglio Ordonez. Follow by yelling “Viva Venezuela!”

-One of the FSD girls is seen. Double if it’s Lauren.
-Alex Avila is sporting facial hair. Double if it’s a full beard. Quintuple if he was clean shaven at the start of the game.

-Brennan Boesch swings at the first pitch in an at bat.

-Strikeout by Justin Verlander or Max Scherzer.

-Opposition hits a ground ball off of Rick Porcello.

-Opposition hits a fly ball off of Brad Penny.

-Tigers leave a runner stranded in scoring position.  Triple if runners left on second and third.

-Intentional walk given to Cabrera.  Triple if V-Mart follows with a hit.

-Rod Allen says the word “seed”.

TWO DRINKS

-If a Bernstein Law commercial comes on and Richard Bernstein is the featured family member in the commercial.

-If Verlander hits 100 pitches before the end of the 5th inning.

-Raburn makes an error.

-Inge throws a ball away.

-If you don’t know the answer to the trivia question. Double if you do know it. You’re obviously not drinking enough.

-Casper Wells or Don Kelly enters the game as a defensive replacement.

-A Tiger pitcher enters the game sporting high socks.

-Leyland is shown arguing/yelling/grumbling at an umpire.

-Dave Dombrowski is shown watching the game. Double if he’s wearing a loud polo or sweater.

-Jose Valverde is seen dancing or pumping his fist.

-For any inherited runner allowed to score by a member of the bullpen. Double if it’s Joaquin Benoit pitching.

-Wells is shown in the dugout doing a weird handshake with a player. Double if it’s Cabrera.

-Instant replay shows that the umpire screwed the Tigers on a call.

-Phil Coke allows a walk.  Double if he's seen cursing afterward.

-Rod says “piece” as in “slide-piece”.

THREE DRINKS

-If Don Kelly is starting and batting 6th or above. Double if it’s 3rd or above. You’ll need the quick buzz.

-Brad Thomas enters the game when we’re not up or down at least 5 runs.

-If V-Mart or Cabrera strike out. Double if it’s looking.

-Extra base hit by Inge, Kelly, Rhymes, or Thomas. Double for a home run. Immediately follow by saying the phrase, “Sorry, Rogo.”

-Valverde enters the game in a non-save situation.

-Leyland visits the mound and does NOT remove the pitcher. Double if the pitcher allows a run to the next batter he faces.

-Boesch draws a walk.

-A Tiger relief pitcher gets a 1-2-3 inning. Double if it’s Ryan Perry or Joaquin Benoit. Triple for Valverde, it’s celebration time!

-An injury update on Carlos Guillen or Joel Zumaya is given.

-Multi-home run game for a Tiger. Double for Inge, Kelly, Rhymes, or Thomas. Do the “Sorry, Rogo” thing again.

-It’s the seventh inning and the Tigers have 2 runs or less. Double if they’re winning.

-V-Mart throws out a runner attempting to steal.

-Multi-hit game by Raburn. Double if it’s before August.

-A former Tiger hits a home run for the opposing team. Triple if it’s a walk off homer.

-Rod mentions a food. Can include calling a pitch a piece of “cheese”, an RBI a “rib eye” or “steak”, or drooling over cotton candy. Anything involving food…Rod’s a hungry man.

When the doctor is pumping your stomach, tell them “Rogo sent me.”

Know Thy Enemy: Tampa Bay Rays

How about that Charlie Furbush? After Phil Coke got an ankle owie in Monday’s game, 70’sbush was thrust (eww) into his MLB debut with two on and one out. He struck out both batters to get out of the inning and kept the Rays at bay with another three scoreless innings after that. The kid got the win in his first professional game. I may be in love.

While we’re talking about Charlie, I spent much of the game trying to think of who he reminded me of in appearance. Here…take a look at him.
Adorable. At first, I thought it was Andrew Miller, one of the guys we sent to Florida in the Miguel Cabrera trade. That wasn’t quite right, though. It wasn’t until after the game when I received a text from a friend that I realized who Furbush resembled.
That’s right. Andy from “Toy Story”. Thanks, Shannon. By the way, if the brilliant Sam from Roar of the Tigers reads this, I think a Furbush Toy Story “Terrible Cartoon” would be amazing. Or I could be wrong. It happens almost constantly…

Anyhoo, the offense was dormant again until the 8th where the Tiger hitters came out of hibernation for a moment to score enough to get their second straight victory. That puts a game over .500 again, so expect us to drop our next four games.

Jose Valverde looked like hell in the 9th, which is kind of scary. He’s perfect in save opportunities still this year, but when it’s not a save situation, Papa Grande looks more like Papa Rodney.

So yeah, we’re playing the Rays. Here’s a bit on them.


Overview

The AL East leading Rays were founded in 1998 and didn’t have a winning record until making the World Series in 2008. They’ve stockpiled enough high draft picks over that time period to put together a pretty good team since then. Until November 2007, they were known as the “Devil Rays”, after the fish of the same name. However, the team owner changed them to the just plain “Rays”, most likely because the retirees of Florida were being scared off by the “Devil” part of their name. However, no one still attends Tampa games because the old people in Florida can’t find Tropicana Field. If it were near a Cracker Barrel, perhaps attendance would rise.

Tampa’s first game was on March 31, 1998 against our Detroit Tigers, a game in which the Tigers won by an 11-6 score. The only Hall of Famer to play for Tampa was Wade Boggs, who finished his career as a Ray. Of course, no one will ever remember that about Boggs. I’m sure he takes comfort in that.

Face of the Franchise
Nice shirt, d-bag.

Evan Longoria is the crown jewel of the Rays franchise. Longoria was the 3rd pick of the 2006 MLB Draft behind pitchers Luke Hochevar (Royals) and Greg Reynolds (Rockies). Sucks to be them. I was lucky enough to see one of Longoria’s final minor league games when his Durham Bulls were visiting the Mud Hens. Every time Evan came to the plate, the Hens were kind enough to play the “Desperate Housewives” theme song for him. I bet that never got old for him.

Longoria is a three time All-Star, the 2008 Rookie of the Year, and a two time Gold Glove winner. Much like anyone else in baseball that isn’t awful, Longoria has had good success against Tiger pitching. In 21 games entering today, he’s hit .310 with 7 homers and 18 RBI. 2 ½ of the 7 homers have come against current Tigers: Justin Verlander, Ryan Perry, and Joel Zumaya. Obviously, Zoom barely counts as a Tiger anymore, thus the half mark. Oh, and in the ever important “Versus Nate” stat, Our Hero faced Longoria 8 times and only allowed 1 hit against him. Way to go, Nate! Get well soon, buddy.

Old Friends

Johnny Damon returns to Comerica Park after a solid season in Detroit last year. He never got any credit for his leadership and solid play from Tiger fans in my opinion. I know we sure could have used him up to this point in the #2 spot in our lineup this year. He was steady getting on base and I think he helped Austin Jackson last year more than people realize. But NOOOOOOOOOOOO, we had to overpay Joaquin Benoit. And NOOOOOOOOOO, we had to give Ryan Raburn the left field job. Johnny’s been solid so far for the Rays in 2011.

Matt Joyce is leading the league in hitting. Never thought I’d say that. We traded the “Thunderkitten” to the Rays in the Edwin Jackson deal. He was the original Brennan Boesch, as you may remember.

Kyle Farnsworth…well, more on him in a second, okay?

Other Superstar Players

B.J. Upton
David Price
Manny Ramirez

Most Hated Ray
Fuck Kyle Farnsworth. Fuck him in his stupid fucking face. Yeah, I said it.

The Farns, destroyer of hopes and dreams, was originally selected by the Chicago Cubs in the 47th round of the 1994 draft. He was traded to Detroit, after failing as a Cub, for Roberto Novoa, Scott Moore, and Bo Flowers in 2005. After sucking in Detroit, we traded him to Atlanta for Zach Miner and Roman Colon. In 2008, Dave Dombrowski showed his sick sense of humor by trading team icon Pudge Rodriguez to the Yankees for the shitty Farnsworth again.

I was so happy when we acquired him for the first time. I remember hearing about his 100 mph fastball and thought he’d be an awesome addition. Not so much. The second time around, I almost quit watching baseball. That lasted about twenty minutes, but I was still pissed for quite a while.

If you look at his numbers in Detroit, he was a combined 2-2 with a 3.53 ERA. That’s not too bad, especially when you look at the collection of stiffs in our current pen. But for me, whenever I think of Farnsworth, I picture him blowing games and giving up home runs.

But there was once nice thing. He was a badass mamma jamma in a brawl with the Royals in 2005. Awesome stuff. If you can find footage of it, check it out.

But he still sucks. Look for us to trade Austin Jackson for him one day because DD is a dick.

Fanbase

Old people near death. That’s all there is in Tampa. I can only imagine that Tropicana Field smells like a nursing home.

Summary

Will the real Detroit Tigers please stand up?

Doubt it. But Game One of this series was a nice start.

Child's common sense/A well trained dog/A delicate subject...








Hi There,


Picture this .... A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet... His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's wrong...

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book but about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.


His mother says "Billy, are you all right ?? You've been in here for a while ! Billy says "I'm fine Mummy... I just haven't done it yet"...

Mother says : "OK, you can stay here a few more minutes but Billy why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says : "It works on the tomato sauce bottle!"

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Ohhh this wee pooch so reminds me of my last dog Trixie ... She wasn't as clever at doing tricks though . Please click to see this wee clever clogs... DOG

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~


Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

Please note that anyone of a delicate disposition in regard to health issues should not read this while eating or drinking and it should also be noted that anyone requiring this procedure should know to leave their modesty at the door on the way in and collect it again on exiting the facility hehehe...

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'Movi Prep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss Movi Prep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the Movi Prep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because Movi Prep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for Movi Prep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. Movi Prep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the Movi Prep experience, with you as the shuttle.

There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of Movi Prep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of Movi Prep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their Movi Prep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house..

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous!!!!! A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6.. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'




Love and Peace, Kate xxx.

Magglio: How Quickly They Forget

“Rogo…why are you so angry all the time?”

I get that question a lot. And it’s an easy answer. Because I hate everyone.

Saturday at work, I made the mistake of being spotted by one of the regulars at the bar. He calls out to me and busts my balls over the Boston/Detroit series because he’s a loudmouth, lowlife, cousin-banging Red Sox fan. We joke back and forth, trade insults, I insinuate that his mother is a prostitute (or something classy like that), and I get ready to go back to my most common activity at work: sitting in the office with my head in my hands wondering where I went wrong with life.

And just then, the guy next to him, who I have never seen before, decides to speak up. And I had to fight the urge to stab him in the neck with a steak knife.


Our conversation went like this.

GUY: You’re a Tigers fan? Heh heh, me too. They fucking suck.”

ME: Yeah, they’re so streaky. Lose a bunch, win a bunch, lose a bunch. Who knows what’s going to happen.

GUY: I tell you what, that Magglio Ordonez is a piece of shit. Fuck him. He sucks and they never should have signed him again.

ME: Come on, dude. The guy’s hurt. Been on the DL over a week now. You can’t blame him for everything. And a broken ankle’s not an easy thing to recover from, especially at his age.

GUY: Fuck that. Did you see that one postgame this year on Fox Detroit? Jim Leyland basically called Magglio a pussy. Said he’s faking it. Said he doesn’t want him on the team anymore. Yeah, Magglio’s a pussy and hasn’t been good in years. Fuck, we shoulda traded him last year, but no one wanted him cuz of his ankle. Fuck him. I’m glad Jim’s not gonna play him anymore, even if he gets healthy. He said that, you know.

ME: (deep breath) Okay, man. I must have missed all that.

GUY: Yeah, fuck him. We shoulda got rid of him a long time ago and kept Granderson. They’re so fucking stupid.

ME: Inge isn’t hitting either. (I had a feeling.)

GUY: Don’t fuck with Inge, man. He’s the best third baseman in baseball. And he isn’t hitting that bad.

As the guy in charge of our little franchise of restaurant/bars, it’s my job to keep a cool head and be an example for everyone. So, I did just that.

ME: No offense, man, but you are a fucking idiot.

I’m pretty sure that he took offense. I didn’t stick around at the bar long enough to find out.

The point is, it’s sad that conversations like this have to occur. It amazes me how ignorant most baseball fans are. This is why I never blamed Barry Bonds for being such a prick. Why kiss up to people that will turn on you the second you start to struggle? Fans are awful. Go to the mLive comments section if you don’t believe me.

And sure, Magglio’s my favorite Tiger. He’s in my top five all-time. I’ve told you all that before. But he’s more than that. And that’s why I was more irritated today than usual, I guess.

Along with Pudge Rodriguez, Magglio ignited the revival of Tiger baseball in Detroit. The magic of 2006 would never have happened without him. His .363/28/139 year in 2007 may be the finest offensive season I’ve witnessed by ANY Tiger. And yes, this, his 7th year in the D, has been rough. In 26 games, Ordonez hit .172 with 1 homer and 5 RBI. Coming off a broken ankle, Maggs hasn’t been himself all year and has wound up on the DL.

But should 26 games really enough to make people turn on a guy like that after all he’s done? A man that in six previous years, the lowest he ever batted was .298 (2006)? If this pud-stain at the bar was alone, I wouldn’t be writing this. But all over the place, I see people shitting on Magglio, whether it be in a bar, on a website, or at the ballpark, just like a couple years ago when he had a slow start. He’s old, he’s hurt again, he’s overpaid, he’s lost it…blah, blah, blah. It sickens me to see this happen again.

Again? Yeah, again.
They did this to Bobby Higginson when he was near the end. And now Bobby’s remembered as a punchline after all the years he gave to Detroit with no support around him. Pricks. When people talk about how knowledgeable and great the Tiger fans are, I’m sorry, but I just always assume they must be talking about LSU or Auburn fans. Because for every smart Tiger fan that I meet, there’s a dozen empty-headed dipshits right behind him telling me that a guy like Magglio Ordonez sucks and Brandon Inge is a god.

So yeah…I hate people.

Who Can Save Us From the Rapture???

WARNING: Skip this one if you are easily offended. It's called a joke. Thanks.
---------------------------------------------------------------
GOD: Oh, I have such a busy, busy day ahead of Me. Been planning this for a LONG time. It’s not every day that the apocalypse happens, right? And it’s sad that so few are taking this seriously. I mean, Mr. Camping has given them plenty of notice. Since when has a man of God used My name in falsehoods to inspire fear in others? It’s crazy. Now, let’s make sure My checklist is complete so I don’t forget anything I’ve got planned. Okay…gigantic earthquake for China around 6pm? Check. Massive plague for Europe? Check. So much for that royal wedding. Famine for North America? Definitely…those people are too fat, anyway. Check that one off. Hmmm…what else? War breaking out in the Middle East? Check. They’re used to that. Oh, I can’t wait until this is all over.

/loud crash

GOD: What in the name of Me is that?

/Heavenly Gates fly open


KIRK GIBSON: You fucking make me sick, Lord.

GOD: Gibby, My son! What art thou doing in Heaven?

GIBSON: Drop the “thou” act, okay? Remember that homer in the ’88 World Series when I couldn’t even walk? Sold my soul to Satan for that. Won it back in a poker game in ’93. Plus a few more favors. This is one of ‘em.

/puts dip the size of a baseball in mouth

GOD: I hate him.

GIBSON: Yeah, that prick isn’t crazy about You, either. Plus that sumbitch still owes me fifty bucks. But this isn’t about that. What’s this “rapture” bull snot about? Gibby’s got shit to do, still. I’m in the middle of a season, You dammit! This “end of the world” bullshit ain’t gonna fly, you know?

GOD: My son, I’ve grown tired of the human race letting Me down. It’s been 7000 years since I last cleansed the planet. The sinners have ruined the Earth with their pollution, their wars, their…

GIBSON: With all due respect, Mighty One, I didn’t expect you to be such a cry-tit.

GOD: How dare you…

GIBSON: Please, if I may. Aren’t we supposed to be created in Your image or some shit?

/picks nose…wipes it on cloud

GOD: Well, not literally…

GIBSON: Face it. If You created man, You created this mess. Why don’t You relax and let it run its course. If it’s as bad as You say it is, we’ll exterminate ourselves in the long run, won’t we?

GOD: I guess so, but…

GIBSON: But nothing, Lord. I mean, Jesus Christ…
JESUS CHRIST: ‘Sup? Someone call me?

GIBSON: Sorry ‘bout that. Just bullshittin’ with Your Old Man.

JESUS: No problemo. Dad, I’m gonna go play Xbox with JFK for a while. Lemmie know when You’re ready for the whole “Me going back to Earth” thing. I can’t wait to visit Vegas. Seeya!

GOD: Sigh. Kids, right?

GIBSON: Yeah, they’re a bitch sometimes. He looks like a good one, though.

GOD: Yes, I’m quite proud of Him.

GIBSON: Sure. He’s got Your nose, by the way. Anyway, whaddYa say? Gibby needs to prove to himself that he can win as a manager. This goes back to ’83, You see. Rozema and I were out on one of our classic drinking binges after a game. Now I told that pussy that he wasn’t man enough to chug a bottle of Beam while standing on his head. And Rosey, that crazy bastard, went and did it! Haha…were You watching that shit?

GOD: I caught a bit of it. “Dallas” was on that night. JR was a bastard, wasn’t he?

GIBSON: You bless Larry Hagman. Anyway, later that night at the hospital when Rosey’s stomach was being pumped, the doctor looked at my drunk ass and told me that I must be some sort of great leader or something. That I could talk a person into anything. And that’s what I’m doing now. I want to lead these kids in Arizona to the promised land, so to speak. And if You go through with this “rapture” b.s. I’m not gonna get that chance.

/shoots angel with crossbow

GIBSON: Wow. You’ve got some crazy game birds up there.

GOD: Please don’t do that again.

/heals angel

GOD: Maybe you’re right, My son. It doesn’t seem right to kill My creations all at once. Maybe this human experiment should go on longer, no matter the current disappointment.  I mean, Jersey Shore!  That sure wasn't in My plans.  But I'll grant your request, My son.

GIBSON: There you go, Big Guy! Thanks. And thanks for automatic weapons, too. I sure do love killing Your creatures in the woods.

GOD: That’s cool. Making new ones keeps Me busy.

/Heavenly Gates fly open
RANDY “MACHO MAN” SAVAGE: Oh, yeeeah! The “Macho Man” is digging this place, yeah! Hey, brother, you know where I can get a Slim Jim, yeeeah? I’m starving, DIG IT!

GIBSON: I got some deer jerky in my back pocket.

SAVAGE: That’ll work, yeeeah! Snap into it!

/leaves

GIBSON: Sweet. I always loved that guy. Hey, is Sparky around? I’d love to say hi.

GOD: Sorry. He’s managing our softball team against the Greek Gods team this week. Then the road trip hits Hell for a four game series. Guess who owns that team?

GIBSON: Steinbrenner?

GOD: Obviously. Kirk, My son, thank you for helping Me realize My mistake. I guess no one really IS perfect.

GIBSON: Shit…it was nothing. And You’re doing a great job, by the way. Well, except for AJ Pierzynski.

GOD: I was drunk that day. My bad.

GIBSON: You’re a trip, Lord. Well, I gotta get back to Earth. David Wells and I are meeting up tonight to kill some shit. Now I’ve got Your word that this “end of the world” nonsense isn’t going to happen, right?

GOD: Indeed, my son. You have My word.

GIBSON: Cool. Take care, God.

GOD: You, too. Be blessed.

/Gibby leaves

GOD: Now, what? Hmm. Guess I’ll turn on the Tigers game. Oh, what in My name is Leyland doing? Batting Don Kelly sixth? Me dammit!

The Empty Chair and a tale of a brief encounter ...

*



Hi Folks,


Having read a few of my favourite bloggers comments recently I get the impression that Professor Hawking's recent comments had caused a bit of a 'stooshie' (i.e. Lilly at Lilly's Life and Suranga at Gappa). I then received 'The Empty Chair' in my email post this morning. After reading the comments generated by the posts on these very wise ladies blogs I feel that the professor is kind of out of step with what is believed by the majority of folk in regard to what happens after death and whether or not there is a heaven ...

The Empty Chair ...

A man's daughter asked the local priest to come and pray with her father. When the priest arrived, he found the man lying in bed with his head propped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside his bed. The priest assumed that the old fellow had been informed of his visit. "I guess you were expecting me, he said. 'No, who are you?" said the father. The priest told him his name and then remarked, "I saw the empty chair and I figured you knew I was going to show up,"

"Oh yeah, the chair," said the bedridden man. "Would you mind closing the door?" Puzzled, the priest shut the door. "I have never told anyone this, not even my daughter," said the man. "But all of my life I have never known how to pray. At temple I used to hear the priest talk about prayer, but it went right over my head so I abandoned any attempt at prayer," the old man continued, "until one day four years ago, my best friend said to me, "Jagjit, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with GOD. Here is what I suggest." "Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in faith see GOD on the chair. It's not spooky because he promised, 'I will be with you always'. "Then just speak to him in the same way you're doing with me right now.” "So...... I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day. I'm careful though if my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair she'd either have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm."

Then he prayed with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the temple. The priest was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old man to continue on the journey. Two nights later the daughter called to tell the priest that her father had died that afternoon.

Did he die in peace?" he asked. Yes, when I left the house about two o'clock, he called me over to his bedside, told me how much he loved me and kissed me on the cheek. When I got back from the store an hour later, I found him dead. But there was something strange about his death. Apparently, just before he died, he leaned over and rested his head on the chair beside the bed.

What do you make of that?" The priest wiped a tear from his eye and said, "I wish we could all go like that."

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

My own weird happening was this which I had blogged about on 15th April, 2008...

My own brief encounter ...

This took place and yet ... there are times when I still wonder if it really did happen. It was well over forty years ago and although it was so long ago it still seems as real as when it happened ...

I had just come home for lunch from work and I needed to collect some paperwork for the bank as I had to call there before returning to the Hospital where I worked in the Office . I was in a bit of a hurry and quickly locked the front door and ran out of the entryway to the close. I was so quick that I didn't see someone running in the opposite direction. You can guess what happened - we bumped into one another and then we apologised and she said something to me that made me 'stop and stare at her' ..... I heard her say "You have been told that you won't be able to have children recently, but don't believe it ! If you pray to Saint Jude it will happen " Well ! after I gathered my thoughts and realised what had happened and had a look around I realized that I was standing there on my own - I could not see her anywhere ....

As background to the foregoing I must admit that I had been told just previously that I would not be able to give birth myself .... the news that I would not be able to have children was very hard to take . I won't go into the reasons why it was not possible for me to give birth but it was indeed medically impossible. As far as St Jude was concerned I found out just after this encounter that she is apparently the Saint who is the one which helps people with 'the impossible causes' I made it my business to find out you see just after my meeting with my 'Messenger'.

Now, all these years later I can look at my two sons that we adopted and in turn their kids - my Grandchildren of whom I am so proud - I wonder if she was indeed a 'Messenger' to let me know that something would happen so that I would be able to have a family even although it seemed to be hopeless and impossible .

Did it really happen ? Did someone really tell me that I would be granted the joy of children and grandchildren ? It definitely was a very important subject to me - I always was one of these children who loved babies and children from I was very young and the thought of 'not' having kids in my life filled me with emptyness and dread. Being the eldest of five children I was used to helping to care for 'wee ones' - never mind my gathering of dolls and the 'Teddy' of my childhood.

So Lilly, keep yer chin up pal ...... "there is more in Heaven and Earth Horatio than are dreamt of in your philosophy"..... and so as far as the professor is concerned - he is not privy to the font of 'all' knowledge !



Love and Peace, Kate xxx.

Don't Judge Justin Verlander Based on His Ring Finger

After watching the Tigers be awful and waste another gem of a pitching performance by Justin Verlander tonight (despite giving up two homers), I need to focus my hatred somewhere. Thank goodness for the internet, because there’s always something out there I can find that will piss me off.

After deciding to see what the yahoos at Yahoo have been up to (see what I did there?), I came across this piece on Verlander by D. Benjamin Satkowiak, who was nice and brave enough to respond here the last time I took him to task. The other day, he wrote a decent enough piece on Verlander, this time asking where JV ranks among the great Tiger pitchers. He brings up the names of Jack Morris, Mickey Lolich, Hal Newhouser, and Denny McClain. Fair enough.


Now Morris is the only of the four that I’ve obviously seen, myself being only 34 years old, but JV is better than Jack ever was. I have no doubt of that, despite my great respect for Jack Morris. But if you want to argue for Jack or any of the other three, I’m sure you could make a convincing argument that I would respect. You might even be able to convince me. Heck, I might be able to convince me if I wasn’t too tired/drunk to look up some stats right now. And to his credit, the author did give a nice, quick history on each of the four pitchers he brought up.

But then, he presented the ONE argument that makes me want to burn down a middle school in anger.

Undoubtedly, these men have all earned their place in Tigers history. What do they all have in common that Justin does not? The ring. As great as he is, until he collects the World Series championship, I don't see how he can be perched at the top of Mount Tiger with the likes of Morris, Newhouser, Lolich and McLain.

/urge to kill rising


You can NOT judge a baseball player’s greatness on whether he has a ring or not. It’s ridiculous that athletes in ANY team sport would have to face an argument like that. It is a TEAM sport, after all. There are just too many other guys that have to produce for a championship to be won.

In football, is Trent Dilfer better than Dan Marino because he has a Super Bowl ring while all Dan has is a career as a horrible broadcaster? Good gawd, no. Dilfer had an awesome defense behind him, a solid running game, and just managed the clock without screwing up too much. Marino was amazing, one of the three best QB’s ever, but was surrounded by a bunch of clowns for much of his career. It doesn’t make him any worse of a quarterback to be without a ring.

Are BJ Armstrong and Horace Grant a better point guard/power forward combo than John Stockton and Karl Malone because they won multiple rings while the Jazz guys didn’t? Fuck and no, they aren’t. The Bulls had Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen on their team. Stockton and Malone had a group of stiffs. The same goes for Charles Barkley. They just didn’t play on the best teams. They were all great NBA superstars, but played on worse overall teams.

But this is baseball, you might say. Fair enough. Is mediocre ex-shortstop Luis Sojo better than Ernie Banks because he has FIVE World Series rings compared to Ernie’s zero? No. Anyone that makes that argument should be shot in the crotch with a crossbow. Sojo was just lucky to hang around on those Yankee teams during their run. The all-time great Banks had horrid luck with his Chicago teams.

And the same goes for Justin Verlander. Don’t knock him down a peg because he’s surrounded by an inept offense that can’t hit with runners in scoring position. Seriously, when Ryan Raburn, Don Kelly, Brandon Inge, Generic White Outfielder #6, or whatever other punchless jackoff that DD has assembled on the team can’t bring in a runner from third base with less than two outs and the team goes on to lose the game, is that JV’s fault? No. When Benoit, AlAl, Perry, or whoever that day’s flaming gas can may be relieve him and piss away the ballgame, does that make Verlander less of a pitcher? No.

If in 2006, the pitching staff remembers how to field a ground ball and everyone other than Sean Casey remembers how to hit, does that, all of the sudden, make Justin Verlander a better pitcher? Say it with me and Captain Hook…
NO, NO, NO!  Bad form!

Sorry.  I can't get enough of James T. Hook.

Whether Justin Verlander is the best, second best, or twentieth best Tiger pitcher of all time is up for debate. It’s not a debate that I care to take part in right now. It’s way too soon in JV’s career, in my opinion. But I’m not going to fault anyone for having that debate. That’s how good he is that at the age of 28 that we can already be having this discussion about him. He’s the most exciting pitcher I’ve ever seen in a Tiger uniform.

So pretty please, with sugar and a hand job on top, put the championship ring nonsense to rest. Judge the man on who he is. Not on who his teammates have been.

Know Thy Enemy: Boston Red Sox

Kurt from Bless You Boys is reporting that Andy Oliver and Charlie Furbush will be joining the team within a week and Phil Coke will be moved to the struggling bullpen. Oliver will take his place in the rotation. With the lefty 70’sbush coming up, it only makes sense that Brad Thomas or Daniel Schlereth goes to Toledo or the unemployment line, hopefully, in Thomas’ case.

This move takes balls and I’m surprised to see it happening so soon. It says to me that the team sees that the Central Division is there for the taking and they’re not going to wait around anymore like they seemed to do the first month of the season. Also, Dave Dombrowski and/or Jim Leyland look to be realizing that their asses are on the line this year and they just can’t stay pat. I’m intrigued.

Kudos to Kurt for out-scooping the News, Freep, and everyone else on this story. Knowing him, he wouldn’t have gone public with this if it weren’t true. I can only assume that his source is Will Rhymes. They’re tight, I believe.

And now, on to the Know Thy Enemy that I’ve been waiting for. In fact, this is the team that I had in mind when I started this dumb little series on DNR. Yes, we’re off to Fenway for a two-game series with the Bawston Danny Woodhead Nation Teddy Ballgame Red Sawx. Caution: I am probably going to curse a LOT in this one. Seriously. You have been warned.  Good gawd, I hate the Red Sox...


Overview

Founded in 1901, the Red Sox were one of the eight charter franchises of the American League. The "Red Sox" name was chosen by the team owner, John Taylor, around 1908, following previous Boston teams that had been known as the "Red Stockings". The Sox would win five champships between 1903 and 1918 before going on the famous “Curse of the Bambino” bullshit curse thing that saw them not win one again until 2004, where they won the heart of America with the “Idiots” including Johnny Damon, Manny Ramirez, Pedro Martinez, and David Ortiz. They would win the World Series again in 2007, but by then, the country had become sick of them.

The BoSox were the last of the MLB teams to break the color barrier, which makes sense since Boston is the most racist non-Missippippi city in the country. Famous moments in Red Sox history require no explanation, just the names Carlton Fisk, Bucky Dent, Enos Slaughter, Aaron Boone, and of course, Bill Buckner. Their feud with the New York Yankees is seen as the biggest rivalry in sports and ESPN obsesses over it to an annoying degree.

Hall of Famers that have played in Boston include Luis Aparicio, Wade Boggs, Lou Boudreau, Jesse Burkett, Orlando Cepeda, Jack Chesbro, Jimmy Collins, Joe Cronin, Bobby Doerr, Dennis Eckersley, Rick Ferrell, Carlton Fisk, Jimmie Foxx, Lefty Grove, Rickey Henderson, Harry Hooper, Waite Hoyt, Ferguson Jenkins, George Kell, Heinie Manush, Juan Marichal, Herb Pannock, Tony Perez, Jim Rice, Red Ruffing, Babe Ruth, Tom Seaver, Al Simmons, Tris Speaker, Dick Williams, Ted Williams, Carl Yastrzemski, and Cy Young. Of the 33 of them, only 12 are enshrined as a Red Sox, though. Fucking scavengers.

Face of the Franchise
Dustin Pedroia is the perfect face of the Red Sox in their current state. He is everything the Sawx fanbase love. He’s white…that’s most important. He’s scrappy, being that he’s only 5’7 or 5’9 depending on who you ask. He was the 2007 AL Rookie of the Year and the 2008 AL MVP, despite non-sparkling numbers. In an article in Boston Magazine, he shit all over his hometown of Woodland, CA, calling it a “dump” and a city that never embraced him. Bostonians love that crap…makes them feel better about their dump of a city. Most importantly, he peaked early and has gone downhill ever since being injured most of last year and putting up an OPS+ of 90 so far this year. He is overrated garbage, like fellow New England favorites like Wes Welker, Danny Woodhead, and Jacoby Ellsbury.

Old Friends

None. Phew.

Other Superstar Players

Josh Beckett
Jon Lester
Jonathan Papelbon
Adrian Gonzalez
Kevin Youkilis
Carl Crawford
JD Drew
David Ortiz
John Lackey
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Most Hated Red Sox Player
I’m going with that pile of dick snot Youkilis, though it could be many of them, to be honest. I really wanted to give it to that tub of shit Bobby Jenks, but all my hatred of him comes from when he was with the White Sox. Plus he’s hurt and terrible now, so I’ll go with Youk, mainly for charging Rick Porcello at the mound a while back when Kid Rick whooped his ass.

Fuck Kevin Youkilis in his big, ugly, bald head. In “Moneyball”, Billy Beane was known as referring to then-minor leaguer Youkilis as the “Greek God of Walks”. I would be willing to sell my soul if the Greek God would walk his ass in front of a train while holding hands with Boston hack writer, Dan Shaughnessey.

In 35 career games entering tonight against the Tigers, Youk has hit .342 with 10 homers and 31 RBI, giving further hatred for me toward the assbag. He’s 5-14 against Justin Verlander with 2 homers. No one else on the current team has faced him more than 6 times, so his damage was done mostly against guys that are no longer with us. For the record, Our Hero, Nate Robertson, was known to be butchered by Youkilis to a 7-18 mark with 2 homers, 3 doubles, and 3 walks. Poor Nate. And oddly enough, the only guy that really handled Youkilis well was mental midget, Jeremy Bonderman. Kev was only 1-15 against Bondo in his career.

And geez…I just went to Youkilis’ Wikipedia page, and I shit you not, the third paragraph of his page says this: “An intense performer on the playing field, Youkilis is known for his scrappiness, grittiness, dirt-stained jerseys, and home-plate collisions.” Sorry. To me, the fat fuck will always be known as the guy that skinny Rick Porcello owned at Fenway Park. Choke on a hobo’s balls, Youkilis. You bitch.
Hahahahahahahahaha…I love that pic. I need to add that to the sidebar.

Fanbase
RANDOM RED SOX FAN: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! FACK YOU! You fahkin’ Detroit facks know jack and shit about Red Sawx Nation! We aww tha numbah one fahkin’ fanbase on Gawd’s Green Arth! Detroit is nahthin’ but a bunch of dahkie faahgots that will NEVAH be as fackin’ awesome as PEDROIA FAHKIN’ NATION! My-ah Pawps said so and he ain’t no fahkin’ liah! You cahllin’ my Pawps a liah?

/flexes muscles under shirt two sizes two small

Random Red Sox Fan is a ripoff of Tommy, a character from the brilliant Kissing Suzy Kolber blog, who in turn is a parody of Bill Simmons from ESPN. Sadly, working in bars for as long as I have, this is how most Red Sox fans come off as. Loud, racist, know-it-all, mouth-breathing idiots.

And I feel bad knowing that I bought into it all in 2004. I was rooting for the Sox back then down the stretch. I hated the Yankees then (as I do now) and rooted along with Boston fans as they came back from being down 3-0 in the ALCS to beat NY and win the World Series over the Cardinals. I bought four books on the season, a DVD on the season, and felt overjoyed for the tortured Red Sox Nation. It was great baseball and a great story.

Then they took it too far. Their arrogance grew to levels that made Yankee fans wince. They got greedy, pompous, and the bandwagon assholes came out in droves. The Boston Red Sox fan is now the second most annoying fan in the world, second to the undisputed king of the inbred fuck fans, the Pittsburgh Steeler fan.

I hope they all die of AIDS at once.

Summary

Our boys only have to be in Fenway for two games. That’s three too many. I hate Boston and everything they stand for. Let’s hope for a sweep.