Opening Day Facepalm

I'm not going to take up too much of your time with this after the Tigers lost their opener to the Yankees 6-3.  I just have a couple thoughts on what made me crazy and drink lots of beer today.

If this keeps up all year, Jim Leyland and I are going to have words.  WORDS, I tell you!

1.  Will Rhymes and Alex Avila shouldn't have started today.

Please don't give me that "It's opening day and you have to put your regular lineup out there" nonsense.  Every game counts (especially in what should be a tight AL Central) and you need to put the team out there that gives you the best chance to win.  If it hurts their feelings, then they can go fist themselves.  They're grown men making a shit-ton of money.  They'll get over it.

CC Sabathia, despite being fat and stupid, is, with Jon Lester, one of the two best lefties in the AL.  If you have other options, you sit your left-handed bats against him.  Predictably, Tinkerbell and Al Jr combined to go 0-7 on the day with 4 strikeouts (3 by Avila).  Alex also looked lost behind the plate, but I think that'll improve and is beside the point.

What would I have done, you ask?  First off, sit Avila and have Victor Martinez catch today.  That was supposed to be the plan against lefties anyway, right?  You then move Magglio to DH (not a bad idea since he's been hurt) and start right-handed Casper Wells in right field.  That gives you better defense in the outfield (which would've helped on the ball that Maggs missed today) and a better bat in Wells over Avila.  Finally, you start Ramon Santiago instead of Rhymes.  Little Ramon is 7/24 (.292) lifetime against Sabathia.  Only Miguel Cabrera (.538) and Carlos Guillen (.295) have hit CC better in their careers on the Tigers' team.  (Brennan Boesch is 2/6, but I'm not counting him quite yet.)  Ramon is also better on D than Rhymes and his matchstick-sized legs.

How this isn't a better lineup to put out there against CC F'n Sabathia in Yankee Stadium, I'll never know.  But when you're one of the boss' kids or one of the manager's special little guys, the rules are different, I guess.  Fuck winning.

2.  Daniel Schlereth should have been brought in to face Curtis Granderson, not Phil Coke.

Now I've made it clear that I love Phil Coke.  He's a nutjob and makes me smile.  And I understand that since you're skipping his first start, you need to get him work in the pen.  That's fine and dandy.

But you've spent all offseason and spring preparing him to be a starter.  You have fireballing lefty Daniel Schlereth as your lefty specialist this year.  Ex-Tiger and strikeout machine Curtis Granderson is at the plate in a tied game.  Schlereth is made for getting outs from guys like Granderson.  Instead, you put Coke in, pass over Schlereth in the role you've assigned him, and watch Curtis hit a ball that I'm not quite sure has landed yet.  Tie broken, the three-headed monster of Joba/Soriano/Rivera looming, and game over.  You have to get to the Yankees early, or you're not going to win many against them.

Point is, there will be a better time this week to get Phil Coke some work.  Let Schlereth do his job.
Would any of this have made a big difference in today's game?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But these things add up over time and have, in my mind, defined Jim Leyland's tenure as Tiger manager:  Goofy decisions that make my head and liver hurt.

A.J. Burnett is pitching for the Yanks on Saturday. against Brad Penny for us in the battle of the ex-Marlins.  I'm sure Dave Dombrowski will be thrilled.

Funnie / A speeding check and Seat belt advert...

Hi There,

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play
date. ' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old
are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says,

'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's licence. It's like a report card, it has everything on it..'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.

If you see someone without a smile today

Give them one of yours

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Car Driving rules etc...

Seatbelts and the latest speed camera checks for ordinary folk... Just enter your car registration. If there is any data on your vehicle you can click on the camera window to see a copy of the photograph.
If the link doesn't work just put " <> " in Google.

Hope it's helpful hehehe...

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

An Oldie but a goodie ...... A Beautiful seatbelt advert .

Peace and Love Kate .

A Guest and I Play Over/Under For the Tigers' 2011 Season

It’s almost time. The 2011 Season is about to begin. Can you feel it? Smell it? Taste it?

Can you? Weirdos. Ha.

Instead of the usual standard preview for you to read, I decided to come up with ten numbers related to the Tigers this year. Then, I’ll play over/under with than number on how I think the player or team will perform. As a little bonus, I thought I’d get a different voice to get their opinion on each number to compare and/or contrast mine. I wanted to get someone that I both like and respect for this. Sadly, I didn’t decide on doing this until around 5pm today and had to get Jen Cosey from Old English D instead. Wocka, wocka…

I kid, of course. Jen’s the biggest Tiger fan I know, my best friend in the Tiger Blogosphere, and hopefully can lend some sanity to whatever bizarre conclusions I come up with. A small warning, though. Jen sometimes uses big words and doesn’t curse. She will be very out of place here. But be nice to her anyway.

So let’s get to it, shall we?

1. Austin Jackson: Over/Under a .275 batting average

Jen: Push

I think AJax will hit right around .275 this year. During Spring Training, he has increased his walk rate, so hopefully that's something he'll sustain. If he can increase his OBP and steal more bases, everyone will want to hug him, and they won't care that his batting average dipped a little.

Rogo: Over

I have no problem in saying I have a man-crush on Austin Jackson. I understand his BABIP was outrageous last year, but I think the kid is only going to get better and he’ll bat at least .280 for us this year. And if he can walk more and cut down on the K’s, he might turn into the best leadoff hitter in the league.

2. Ryan Raburn: Over/Under 20 home runs

Jen: Under

I don't know. Raburn's too streaky for me to confidently say that he'll go yard more than 20 times. He can prove me wrong. I'll cook the crow and eat it up. Wait, I'm a vegetarian. Oh well.

Rogo: Under

I expect him to end up with around 15, I guess. I just think that Brennan Boesch is going to be too much for Raburn to hold off in keeping the left field job. The only way I see Raburn keeping the majority of the time in left is if Magglio goes down and Boesch is forced into duty in right field. And if that happens, I might just shoot myself. Stay healthy, Maggs.  Eat meat.  Vegetarians are goofy and have brittle bones.  It must be true.  Why else would I say it?

3. Will Rhymes: Over/Under 90 starts at second base

Jen: Under

There are just too many options at second, between Guillen, Sizemore, and Worth, to think that Flea will garner more than half the starts. But when he's out there, he'll be so full of energy, spark and vigor, folks! All manner of hackneyed expressions are applied to Rhymes twenty times every article, blog post and broadcast. I move that we stop insulting the guy by calling him scrappy, and just say he's a player that's capable defensively, with decent speed. He's hit over .280 every year in the minors and .300 last year with the big club, so let's just see how he does in his second shot at the bigs before describing his bat.

Rogo: Under

Sizemore’s going to be the man before the end of the year, no doubt about it. I think once teams have better scouting reports on Rhymes, his average will drop to the .260 range. Granted, that’s where I expect Scotty Size, too, but at least he’s got some pop in his bat. And no amount of dirt on Tinkerbell’s uniform is going to be able to keep Sizemore away from the starting job in Detroit for too long.

4. Carlos Guillen: Over/Under 60 games played

Jen: Over

Call me a heads-in-the-sand optimist, but I think Carlos will play in more than sixty games. I know his body is like paper mache. I know every tendon is like a dry-rotted rubber band. I'm loony toons, but I'm staying with it.

Rogo: Under

Carlos is done. Even if he does come back, he has proven that it at this point in his career, there’s no way he can sustain playing as a regular in the bigs anymore. Thanks for the memories, Los. It’s Sizemore or ‘Lil Will’s time to shine now. I expect Guillen to be released before the year is through.  (I miss Polanco so much.)

5. Phil Coke: Over/Under 15 games started

Jen: Over

This was the toughest to answer. Coke loves the doubters and lives to prove them wrong. He's not mad at them, it just makes him want to get out there, pitch out of his mind, and then appear on Sesame Street as a motivational speaker for never giving up. He knows what he needs to do to be successful. But he said he lost focus in one spring outing and was garbage thereafter. What? The club might want to invest in a pair of blinders...or be ready to send Avila trotting out to the mound every other batter to "re-center" our lefty.

Rogo: Over

Like many, I have doubts about Cokehead switching from the pen to the rotation. But watching him and listening to him talk, he has me convinced that he’s just too damn bullheaded and crazy not to be in this for the long haul. I don’t think he’ll let himself fail in this venture. As someone that has hated nearly every pitcher we’ve had on the mount in recent years not named Verlander, I’m excited to see Coke emerge from the pack as both a personality and a talent. I actually plan on getting a Coke jersey this year to join my Higgy and Magglio ones. That’s a big deal in the Rogo household, my friends.

/just cursed Coke into becoming the next Nate

6. Jim Leyland and Dave Dombrowski: Over/Under 81 games before they receive an extension

Jen: Over

The club's going to wait and see how this season plays out before granting extensions to the Leyland/DD duo. Rightly so. We've endured more bad contracts (yes Robertson and Willis leap gruesomely to mind), and second half collapses than any fan should reasonably be expected to survive with his/her sanity.

Rogo: Under

Do I think Mr. Ilitch SHOULD give them extensions before the All Star Break? Hell no. Do I think he will? Yup…I do. It’s how the man operates. I think he’s happy with the job DD and JL have done. And as much as I bitch about the duo, remember where we were before they got here? Ugh…I just threw up in my mouth. Randy Smith was a gash. They’ll be celebrating new deals with unfiltered cigarettes and striped sweaters before the end of June.

7. Justin Verlander: Over/Under 18 wins

Jen: Over

Justin Verlander has attacked Spring Training like I stomp centipedes until their no longer recognizable exoskeletons are pulverized into mere powder. He's taken every exercise, workout and side session and applied the death stare to them. April will now submit to JV, and he will put together his first 20 win season.

Rogo: Over

I agree. The man wins the Cy Young award this year with 22 wins. JV’s the best pitcher I’ve ever seen wear the D and this is the year that the rest of the league finds out how amazing he is.

8. Miguel Cabrera: Over/Under 35 home runs

Jen: Over

With Mi Magglio and Victor Martinez sandwiched around him, Miguel is going to mash. Say goodbye to 32 intentional walks. Say hello to MVP.

Rogo: Over

I don’t doubt Big Mig in any way. He’s the AL’s answer to Albert Pujols and I see him clearing 40 homers this year to show his doubters how awesome he really is. I hope he celebrates winning a World Series by downing a bottle of champagne on national TV and giving the camera the finger while NWA's "F-ck The Police" plays in the background. That’d be awesome.

9. Brandon Inge: Over/Under a .250 batting average

Jen: Under

Do I even have to answer this question? Rogo knows the answer (he asked it because he's a sadist). You know the answer. We all know the answer. Well, someone from Tuesday's ESPN crew thinks Inge has better hitting in him than we've seen yet. Oh my. I almost choked on my own spit when I heard that. Inge will thrill us all if he hits .235. Well, not thrill...pacify.

Rogo: Over

You heard me. And yes, I am a sadist. And I may be a bit mental for this, but I think with more solid legs under him this year, Brandon hits .260. He hit .247 last year and bettered .250 in 2004, 5, and 6. So he CAN do it. I’m hoping the guy finally starts living up to the crazy love he gets from the fat girls with lower back tattoos this year. And if he doesn’t, I’ll be here to crucify him for it. Yay! We all win either way.

10. Detroit Tigers: Over/Under 88 Wins

Jen: Over

Sigh. I hate predictions. That's why we play the games--because all the pundits end up being ridiculously wrong. Since Rogo put the screws to me, I have to play the homer on this one. My heart is so tied up in making the playoffs that I can't bring myself to put us under 88 wins. If we don't make it this season, you may find that my site has spontaneously combusted.

Rogo: Under

Sorry. I think the Twins, White Sox, and Tigers will cannibalize each other this year. I have the Sox winning the division with around 88 wins. I can’t see our group of guys staying healthy enough to win the AL Central, sadly. That would put us at, at best, 87 wins. For ONCE, I hope I am wrong. Sadly, I rarely am. (shut up)

There you have it. Ten topics, ten honest answers. Thanks to Jen for lowering herself to contributing to my dick joke blog. Please visit her site to say hello.

Topics that didn't quite make it into this post?

-Over/Under 30 death threats made against Don Kelly on DNR
-Over/Under 5000 mentions of the word "scrappy" in Will Rhymes articles this year
-Over/Under 20 different ugly sweaters worn by Dombrowski on TV in 2011
-Over/Under 10 hospitalizations in Detroit due to alcohol poisoning playing the Rod Allen Drinking Game
-Over/Under 3 times I threaten to quit doing this blog during the season

As I write this, we are 13 hours or so away from JV, Big Mig, Maggs, V-Mart, AJax, Tinkerbell, and the rest of the boys taking the field.

Here’s to a great season in the D, kids. Enjoy the ride and stop back often.  Win or lose, we're going to have some fun this year.

Know Thy Enemy: New York Yankees

I’m trying out a new gimmick this season called “Know Thy Enemy” where I’ll profile each team before we play them the first time. I mean we all know that Mig and JV are awesome, Don Kelly and Brad Thomas are terrible, and Jim Leyland is going to make ridiculous decisions that will make us want to choke a homeless person at one time or another. But it’s important to know what to expect from the other silly franchises that make up Major League Baseball.

Thursday is Opening Day and we’re playing the crown jewel of the league, the New York Fackin’ Yankees. Lucky us.


ESPN’s favorite team is first on the schedule for the Tigers this year. If you watch Opening Day on ESPN without the mute button enabled, be prepared for the worst. When the Tigers bat, the Worldwide Leader announcers will be talking about the Yankee pitchers. When the Tigers are in the field, they will jabber on endlessly about the Yankee hitters and how awesome they are. You will hear about the many championships they have bought won and the ESPN-created “Yankee mystique” that’s a lot of horse manure.

If they do mention the Tigers, they will have no clue what they are talking about. For example, in Tuesday’s televised Tigers/Yankees preseason game, they mispronounced both Joel Zumaya and Fu-Te Ni’s names. Seriously, how do you get “NA” out of Ni? Most likely, though, they’ll only mention Miguel Cabrera’s DUI arrest since it’s the only thing they’ll be interested in talking about concerning Detroit.

Right off the bat, we’ll all be missing Rod and Mario’s wacky adventures. Luckily, it’s only for one day and FSN will take over from there.

Face of the Franchise
Derek Jeter is still alive. No player in MLB history has benefitted from playing for a certain team the way Jeter has. Don’t get me wrong, he’s been a good player for a long time. And I’m willing to admit that he’s a worthy candidate for the Hall of Fame. But if he had been drafted by the Mariners, Royals, or another middle-to-small market team, he would be Michael Young…not the monster that is Derek Jeter Inc.

Currently, Jeter is chasing 3,000 hits and is the most overpaid player in the game by a wide margin.

Old Friends

Curtis Granderson has been a mild disappointment in New York since being traded there. He’s been hurt a lot and might not be ready to start the year with a strained right side muscle. He’ll play in a minor league game on Wednesday and they’ll take it from there. CJ is still a favorite of mine and yours, I’m sure, despite being with the Evil Empire. Actually, I’m pretty sure he’s the only current Yankee that I wouldn’t want to see beaten to death with a sledgehammer.

Freddy Garcia was a Tiger for ten minutes a couple years ago and is still trying to get his career going after injuries have stalled him in recent years. By default, he’ll be a starter on this staff that’s bare after CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett, and Phil Hughes.

Other Superstar Players

Alex Rodriguez
Mark Teixeira
Robinson Cano
Jorge Posada
CC Sabathia
Mariano Rivera

Yeah, there’s a lot of them. Trouble for them is, there’s not that many in the pitching department this year as compared to their more recent teams.

Most Hated Yankee
Nick Swisher is an assbag. I hate his stupid face and hate it even more when the talking heads babble on about the energy he brings to the team. In my head, he seems to always beat up on the Tigers, but his stats say he’s only a .217 hitter vs Detroit with 8 homers and 23 RBI in 53 games. He has 3 career homers against Justin Verlander in 41 at bats. And hold your breath if new Tiger setup man Joaquin Benoit faces him. Swisher’s taken him deep 3 times in only 11 at bats.


Awful. Yankee fans should all burned alive. These entitled pricks are spoiled and arrogant to no end. Half of them probably can’t tell you who Don Mattingly is, but they still think they’re great fans. They’re rude, overbearing assholes that are the devil’s afterbirth. Overall, they can pretty much be broken down into these easy-to-identify annoying groups.

-Greaseball Italian stereotypes
-Bandwagon fans that don’t really watch baseball (also root for Lakers & Cowboys)
-NBA players that likes to piss off their home team’s fans
-No longer relevant actors/actresses
-ESPN employees
-People with obnoxious mustaches

I’m sure they have decent fans out there somewhere, but I’ve yet to meet one.

Thursday is almost here. Game on.  I'm sure that when the series is over, it'll resemble this photoshop I found at

Climate Change - Flimate Change ...

Some sight eh ???

Hi There,

Are you folks sitting down?
Okay, here's the bombshell.

The volcanic eruption in Iceland, since its first spewing of volcanic ash has, in just FOUR DAYS, NEGATED EVERY SINGLE EFFORT you have made in the past five years to control CO2emissions on our planet, all of you.

Of course you know about this evil carbon dioxide that we are trying to suppress, that vital chemical compound that every plant requires to live and grow, and to synthesize into oxygen for us humans, and all animal life. I know, it's very disheartening to realize that all of the carbon emission savings you have accomplished while suffering the inconvenience and expense of: driving Prius hybrids, buying fabric grocery bags, sitting up till midnight to finish your kid's "The Green Revolution" science project, throwing out all of your non-green cleaning supplies, using only two squares of toilet paper, putting a brick in your toilet tank reservoir, selling your SUV and speedboat, vacationing at home instead of abroad, nearly getting hit every day on your bicycle, replacing all of your 50 cents light bulbs with $10.00 light bulbs...well, all of those things you have done have all gone down the tubes in just four days.

The volcanic ash emitted into the Earth's atmosphere in just four days - yes - FOUR DAYS ONLY by that volcano in Iceland, has totally erased every single effort you have made to reduce the evil beast, carbon. And there are around 200 active volcanoes on the planet spewing out this crud any one time - EVERY DAY.
I don't really want to rain on your parade too much, but I should mention that when the volcano Mt Pinatubo erupted in the Philippines in 1991, it spewed out more greenhouse gases into the atmosphere than the entire human race had emitted in its entire YEARS on earth. Yes folks, Mt Pinatubo was active for over one year, think about it......

Of course I shouldn't spoil this touchy-feely tree-hugging moment and mention the effect of solar and cosmic activity and the well-recognized 800-year global heating and cooling cycle, which keep happening, despite our completely insignificant efforts to affect climate change. I do wish I had a silver lining to this volcanic ash cloud but the fact of the matter is that the bush fire season across the western USA and Australia this year alone will negate your efforts to reduce carbon in our world for the next two to three years. And it happens every year.

Just remember that your government just tried to impose a whopping carbon tax on you on the basis of the bogus ''human-caused'' climate change scenario.

Hey, isn't it interesting how they don't mention ''Global Warming'' any more, but just ''Climate Change'' - you know why? It's because the planet has COOLED by 0.7 degrees in the past century and these global warming bullshit artists got caught with their pants down.

Keep in mind that you might yet have an Emissions Trading Scheme (that whopping new tax)
imposed on you, that will achieve absolutely nothing except make you poorer. It won't stop any volcanoes from erupting, that's for sure.
But hey, relax, give the world a hug and have a nice day!

Now some sense - perhaps ! (and from an Aussie ) .

Blimey, Rob has been telling me this since all the guff about climate change started ... and (me being a woman) sorta had an idea that it was a con to get more money out of us ! Well that's what my suspicious woman's brain is telling me ...... I wonder........ What do you think ???

Guess what our Evening Times newspaper has this afternoon right bang on the front page advised us that some of the radiation which escaped from Japan has been found in Glasgow ... This information has of course been denied by the authorities hehehehe... yeah right ! The flippen world has turned upside down !!!

Are the powers that be trying to make monkeys out of us ?

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.

2011 Tigers Team Preview: Good Things, Bad Things, and Random Things

No attempt at a witty introduction today, kids. Simply put, I thought I’d go through the team’s roster and list what I consider to be the best and worst things about each player. In addition, I’ll try to find some random fact about each guy that you may not have known before. I live to inform.

Sound fun? No?

Tough. Write your own damn blog…


Alex Avila: Catcher

BEST THING: His amazing ability to grow a full beard within three innings.

WORST THING: Nepotism is the only reason he’s in the majors.

RANDOM THING: Alex’s godfather is Tommy Lasorda, the ex-Dodger skipper and one of baseball’s all-time great personalities.
Miguel Cabrera: First Base

BEST THING: Every time he swings the bat, something magic seems to happen.

WORST THING: Every time he has an alcoholic beverage, something horrid seems to happen.

RANDOM THING: In the 2006 offseason, Miguel became a babalao, a Santeria high priest. Santeria is a largely misunderstood Afro-Cuba spiritual tradition that incorporates the worship of orisha — multidimensional beings who represent the forces of nature — with beliefs of the Yoruba and Bantu people of Africa and elements of Roman Catholicism. White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen and MLB players Jose Contraras, Francisco Rodriguez, Alex Gonzalez, and Ronny Cedeno have also been linked to the religion.

Carlos Guillen: Second Base, Disabled List

BEST THING: Strong leadership qualities.

WORST THING: Body is seemingly made of peanut brittle.

RANDOM THING: In addition to his dozens of injuries Carlos has seemed to have suffered in his career, he was hospitalized in September 2001 with pulmonary tuberculosis, but was still ready to play in the ALCS the following month for Seattle.
Brandon Inge: Third Base

BEST THING: His glove. Duh.

WORST THING: His inability to lay off a curve ball three feet outside despite a decade in the majors.

RANDOM THING: Brandon’s repulsive arm tattoos say “Chase” and “Tyler” after his two sons. I guess it’s the thought that counts.
Victor Martinez: Catcher, Designated Hitter

BEST THING: Great pure hitter.

WORST THING: Has a worse arm than my six-year old.

RANDOM THING: In 2001 and 2002, V-Mart won minor league MVP’s and batting titles before making the majors in Cleveland.
Jhonny Peralta: Shortstop, Third Base

BEST THING: Been a solid run producer since his debut with the Indians.

WORST THING: Defense at shortstop is questionable. Inge is going to have to cover a lot of ground at third.

RANDOM THING: He claims that he is the only person named "Jhonny" with the name spelled correctly; all other "Johnnies" are misspelled. The letter combinations "Jh" or "Gh" are sometimes used in the Spanish language to represent the English "J" sound. Whatever…
Will Rhymes: Second Base

BEST THING: Kids have someone their own size to root for on the field.

WORST THING: Eckstein-itis. Reporters are unable to write about Rhymes without using the words “scrappy”, “spark plug”, “grinder”, or other lazy terms that mean “small and white” to describe him. They also commonly say he brings “energy” to the team and always gets his uniform dirty. It makes me crazy and that’s why I can’t stand him. Nothing personal, Will. Tell the jackoffs covering you to try and be more original.

RANDOM THING: Will has an identical twin named Jonathan. No idea if Jon also inherited the “scrappy gene”.
Ramon Santiago: Shortstop, Second Base

BEST THING: Good glove and occasional pop…basically the ideal backup infielder.

WORST THING: Is 31 and still looks 17. Pisses me off.

RANDOM THING: In 2006, Ramon was perfect defensively off the bench. Getting time at second, short, and third, he didn’t commit an error in 205 2/3 innings on the field.


Brennan Boesch: Left Field, Right Field

BEST THING: His first half last year.

WORST THING: His second half.

RANDOM THING: Last year, Boesch and Scott Sizemore hit their first career homers in the same inning against the Angels on April 30th. It was the first time two Tigers had hit their first career home runs in the same inning since Pop Dillon and Kid Elberfeld did it in 1901.
Austin Jackson: Center Field

BEST THING: Amazing range in the outfield.

WORST THING: Strikes out a lot.

RANDOM THING: Don’t tell Dave Dombrowski, but AJax is black. If DD finds out, Austin might end up traded, released, or sent down to AAA. Also, in 1999, Baseball America named Jackson the best 12-year-old player in the nation. Three years later, they named him the best 15-year-old player. Something seems wrong to me that they do that to kids that young.
Don Kelly: Outfield, Infield

BEST THING: Can play anywhere the skipper tells him to.

WORST THING: Can’t play anywhere well.

RANDOM THING: Over three seasons playing at Point Park College, Kelly only struck out 20 times in over 500 at bats. Oh, and here’s a bonus fact for you. Every time he manages to hit a home run, three things happen: God kills a kitten, Jim Leyland climaxes in his uniform, and I die a little inside. Fortunately, he doesn’t hit many of them.
Magglio Ordonez: Right Field

BEST THING: 2006, I was in the third row and he takes Huston Street deep to send us to the World Series. I can still hear the roar of the crowd in my head. Greatest day ever. Maggs gets a pass forever for that.

WORST THING: He’s getting old. Also his hair is still short.

RANDOM THING: His .363 batting average in 2007 was the highest by a Tiger since Charlie Gehringer in 1937. His batting title that year was the first by a Tiger since Norm Cash in 1961. Dude was robbed of the MVP that year.

/biased opinion’d
Ryan Raburn: Left Field, Second Base (in a pinch)

BEST THING: Streaky hitting can carry a team for weeks at a time.

WORST THING: Insists of wearing fielding glove made of stone. Also can't keep his tongue in his mouth.

RANDOM THING: Raburn was drafted, and spent his first two years in the minors, as a third baseman.
Casper Wells: Outfield

BEST THING: Solid all around player with both the bat and the glove. I’m intrigued.

WORST THING: Looks like a date rapist…he’s creepy.

RANDOM THING: His legal name is Casper Charles Wells. His parents must have hated him.

Pitching Staff

Joaquin Benoit: Setup Man

BEST THING: What he showed last year in Tampa was amazing.

WORST THING: What he showed the previous nine years was revolting. Could this be DD’s latest pitching contract bungle, like Dontrelle and Nate?

RANDOM THING: Benoit holds the Major League record for having recorded the longest save in history by throwing seven innings of one-hit ball after taking over for Aaron Myette and Todd Van Poppel in 2002.
Phil Coke: Starting Pitcher

BEST THING: He’s bat-shit crazy…I love it.

WORST THING: Has one career MLB start. We’re asking a lot of him this year.

RANDOM THING: Phil’s youngest brother Robert Coke serves in the US Coast Guard. His oldest brother Nathan serves in the US Army. USA! USA! USA!
Brad Penny: Starting Pitcher

BEST THING: Banged Alyssa Milano.

WORST THING: History of injuries have kept him from breaking through as an upper-echelon MLB pitcher.

RANDOM THING: In October 2009, Penny began dating professional dancer Karina Smirnoff of Dancing With the Stars. The couple became engaged on October 4, 2010. Giggity.
Ryan Perry: Relief Pitcher

BEST THING: Sweet tattoos.

WORST THING: Bad hair entering spring. Inconsistent arm.

RANDOM THING: College teammate of Daniel Schlereth at Arizona.
Max Scherzer: Starting Pitcher

BEST THING: Multi-colored eyes. He was born with heterochromia; his right eye is blue and his left one is brown.

WORST THING: Weird mechanics have several scouts seeing him as an injury risk.

RANDOM THING: Was originally drafted in 2003 by the Cardinals, but didn’t sign. Max instead went on to play for the University of Missouri in Columbia, Missouri.
Rick Porcello:  Starting Pitcher

BEST THING: His upside.  I still have hope.

WORST THING: I'm scared they ruined him by rushing him to the show.  Eff you, front office!

RANDOM THING: In May 2007, Kid Rick threw a perfect game in high school.  Also, I forgot to include him in this post in the first draft.  My bad, Rick.
Daniel Schlereth: Relief Pitcher

BEST THING: Live fastball from the left side.

WORST THING: His dad is one annoying SOB as an analyst for ESPN.

RANDOM THING: Born in Anchorage, Alaska. Sorry…that’s all I’ve got.
Brad Thomas: Relief Pitcher

BEST THING: I dunno…can eat innings when we’re already down ten runs?

WORST THING: Bangs kangaroos.

RANDOM THING: Thomas is the only known player to own a World Series Championship ring (2004 Boston Red Sox) and a Japan Series Championship ring (2006 Nippon Ham Fighters).
Jose Valverde: Closer

BEST THING: Dance, fatty. Dance!

WORST THING: Often appears to be taking a dump in his pants.

RANDOM THING: Unpredictable as hell. Valverde is fond of using a high percentage of a given kind of fastball at a time, at times throwing four-seamers exclusively in one outing, then switching to splitters almost exclusively the next game.
Justin Verlander: Ace Starter

BEST THING: The stare.

WORST THING: Insists on pitching in April.

RANDOM THING: JV had been a top pitching prospect in high school, but his career suffered a roadblock when he came down with strep throat early in his senior season of baseball. Verlander only topped out at 86 mph during that season, causing professional scouts to lose interest. After he recovered, his velocity reached 100 mph during his first year at Old Dominion.
Brayan Villarreal: Relief Pitcher

BEST THING: To be decided. I don’t know dick about this kid.

WORST THING: I kinda wanted Robbie Weinhardt to make the team.

RANDOM THING: Is Venezuelan. Does DD get a kickback from the Venezuelan government for each countryman of theirs he employs?
Joel Zumaya: Relief Pitcher

BEST THING: Amazing heater over 100 mph at times.

WORST THING: Arm explodes every 20th pitch he throws.

RANDOM THING: ESPN Magazine reported in 2006 that in an ALDS game in the Bronx, Zumaya threw so hard that Alex Rodriguez said he never saw the ball.

Thursday can’t get here quick enough. Can’t wait.

Funnies ...Old Farts, Letters of Complaint, The Black Hole.

Ahhhh - Memories, Memories ......

Hi There,

From an 'Old Fart' to my 'Old Fart' friends ......

'Old Farts' are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them. Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbour , Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler.

They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady.

Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies. Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity.

They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren. It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country. Their country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

Pass this on to all the "Old Farts" you know - I was taught to respect my elders ... and I do! It's just getting harder to find them.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

  • The following wee doohickeys are genuine clips from complaints letters from council tenants to the council offices ......

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. it’s the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Watch out for the Black Hole ......

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx. The Sneeze

Hi There,

An Apology ...

I blogged the other day a post called 'The Sneeze' I found out yesterday from a blogging friend that although it was based on a true story it wasn't strictly true in fact and I am now giving details 'via Snopes' of the correct happenings... if I had checked it out on 'Snopes' I would have found this out (before I posted it) OOOOPPPSSS! Sorry folks!

Thanks Vivek for your help, Cheers Kate x. The Sneeze: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

A Generous hearted wee boy / Northern Lights / Complaints

Jack with his brothers Toby and Noah ......

Hi There,

Rainbows, cats, crocodiles, even a rubber duck riding a bike and shooting lasers. None of these subjects are beyond the drawing skills of a six-year-old artist who is raising cash for charity. Jack Henderson will draw his customers anything they want in return for a donation to the hospital where his little brother receives treatment. He has been busy scribbling away after his fund raising website took off overnight.

The family initially set the target at £100, thinking they would get donations from family and friends. But in four days Jack and his artwork has raised over £1000 for the Sick Kids Hospital in Edinburgh.His dad, Ed Henderson, said: “I thought we’d get money from grandparents, friends and family, maybe we will make about £50. In the first day we made over £100. It’s great, it’s boosting his confidence a wee bit and we’re helping the Sick Kids.” Jack came up with the idea when he was at a craft fair with his parents.

A family friend bought a drawing from him for 20p and he asked his parents if he could sell more drawings. The family from Prestonpans in East Lothian sat down to talk about it and came up with the idea for Jack Draws Anything as his little brother Noah, one, is a regular visitor at the children’s hospital. Ed said: “Noah has been in and out of hospital since he was about three months old with chest problems, bronchitis and the like.

Every time he gets a sniffle he has to go into hospital and he can he there for about a week. “Jack always gets upset when his wee brother is in hospital, worrying that he is going to die. So this is his way of saying thank you to the Sick Kids for caring for Noah so well.”When asked why he wanted to raise money for the Sick Kids, Jack told STV: “Because some babies are dying and I just wanted to help them keep them alive and Noah nearly died two times but he is alive.

It helped Toby when he cut his eye and me when I broke my finger.”Despite the unexpected workload, Jack is coping well. Ed said: “He is probably doing a little bit more drawing than he normally does but he loves it anyway and we’re trying to be very careful to make sure it doesn’t turn into something he doesn’t want to do.

“What he likes the most is some of the things people are asking for. You’ll say to him that someone wants an otter wearing sunglasses. His eyes light up, he says ‘oh cool’ and off he goes.”IN DETAIL See some of Jack's creations Jack Draws Anything The Sick Kids Friends Foundation

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

The best Northern Lights video I've seen - amazingly beautiful ! A friend who has lived in Norway for many years posted it on Facebook yesterday and I couldn't resist putting in on here. The video was made by Ole Christian Salomonsen on Vimeo.

You can watch it here:

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

From the sublime to the ridiculous - the following are true comments....

1. In The Daily Telegraph
As reported in the newspaper.
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." 2

2. In The Guardian .
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

3. Aberdeen Evening Express.
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

4. Bournemouth Evening Echo.
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

and here are a list of actual announcements......
which were made by London Tube drivers to their passengers

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."____

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." _____

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways

Peace and Love, Kate xxx.

Feeding the Troll that is T.J. Simers

T.J. Simers must be happier than a pig rolling around in its own excrement. Everyone is talking about him today. His treatment of ex-Tiger Marcus Thames has drawn the ire of columnists all over the country, especially in the Detroit area where Marcus spent so many seasons. Marcus’ old Tiger and Yankee teammate, Curtis Granderson, as well as legendary baseball writer Peter Gammons have defended Thames on Twitter due to Simers’ awful recent piece. People are emailing him and giving him the attention that the shameless whore was trying to get all along by attacking the unsuspecting new Dodger. You can tell he’s happy, too, because he’s already at it again.

Don’t bother clicking on that link. I’ll get to that in a minute. First, I want to urge readers to not email Simers or his boss anymore about this. That is what he wants and angry Detroit-area fans have fed this troll enough the way it is. Controversy creates cash, people. I had never heard of the man before yesterday, but I’ve done some checking up on him since writing the first piece.

The man is a gimmick. He treats players like garbage, tries to goad them into saying something unkind, and then he blasts them for it. He’s been doing it for years on the west coast. From Kobe Bryant to Manny Ramirez, no one has escaped his juvenile nonsense. He has goaded ex-pitcher Kevin Brown into throwing things in the clubhouse. Ex-Bear and Charger quarterback Jim McMahon once blew his nose on Simers after one snide question too many. And if a player in Simers’ sights remains silent like Marcus Thames did, he’ll repeatedly insult them and try and make himself sound like a tough guy.

He’s a bully. Like the big, insecure kid on the playground hassling the quiet kids that can’t defend themselves, TJ Simers stalks his prey at the Dodgers spring camp. He has a forum in the LA Times and he picks on the rich athletes that he is obviously insanely jealous of. He is a joke and a fraud. And much like shock jocks on the radio getting ratings, the controversy he creates leads to page clicks. TJ Simers is the nasty pimple on the ass that American sportswriting is turning into. What else is he going to do at this point in his career?

Oh yeah. That’s another thing I didn’t realize about this sack of piss. He’s a middle aged man, not some punk kid like I had assumed. Here’s a picture of him.
I was in shock. I expected this clown to be some smug prick in his thirties trying to make a name for himself. I was thinking of Jim Rome all those years ago goading Rams quarterback Jim Everett into attacking him for calling him “Chris” over and over. I was picturing a guy that was ambitious and using his smart mouth to get noticed, covering for his lack of actual writing talent. I wasn’t expecting this to be coming from a paunchy, graying, bitter old man that’s obviously gotten to this point in his career by smearing the names of the men he’s paid to cover. What a lucky paper the LA Times is to have such a creature lurking in its halls.

But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. And I don’t have to ignore his work.

Marcus Thames is way too nice of a man to take Simers’ bait. Thames is too classy to respond to Simers the way this prick wants him to.

Luckily for this blog and its readers, I am not nice. And I am not classy.

The gloves come off after the jump.

I mentioned that he’s at again with Marcus Thames. Here’s his latest...don't worry, it's not as long this time.

MARCUS THAMES, pronounced "Tims/Tems,"

Yes. You are so clever. You didn’t know his name and this is now a running gag. I mean it never gets old! Haha…LOLZ! How dare Marcus not have such an easily identified name like say…T.J.

Say…what does T.J. stand for anyway? Tongue Job? Twat Juice? Taint Jammer? Perhaps Testicle Juggler?

Seriously. The stoner fry cook at Wendy’s is wittier than you, you fucking hack.

ran past me carrying a first baseman's glove. I guess the Dodgers don't want him to hurt himself, so they took away his outfield glove.

Because someone told TJ that Marcus wasn’t a good fielder. He, of course, does not know this as T.J. the Great had apparently never heard of him before the other day. Crack reporting at its finest in LA. Or is it reporting on crack?

For the record, if you believe things like, oh I don’t know, STATS, Marcus has a career defensive WAR of -0.2 for his career. That means he’s about an average left fielder. He’s not a gold glover by any means. But he’s no Manny Ramierez-type abortion out there either.

Why couldn’t Mama Simers have had an abortion?

"Come on and help me out," he says with a laugh.

Poor Marcus. Trying to be friendly to a scum-sucking, piece of monkey shit. Bless him.

He caught the first eight out of 10 ground balls at first, the next 11 straight and I guess the Dodgers will be moving James Loney to left field.

Oh, the wit. Do you think he really sat there counting the ground balls? Do you think this man has a shred of integrity and could believed if he told you the sun were coming up tomorrow? I would pay good money to hear that Marcus cornered him in an alley and sodomized him with a broken broom handle.

"So go ahead and ask me the question you wanted to ask," says Thames, as friendly as his teammates had described him before walking off in a snit a day earlier.

Snit, in this case, meaning that he was shell shocked that a middle-aged man who he had never seen before could be such a condescending douchelick for no apparent reason. Poor, sweet, ignorant Marcus.

"Are you that horrible on defense that teams don't think it's worth playing such a home run threat?"

"No, I'm not that bad of a defensive player," he says, and that wasn't so tough, now was it?

Would it have been “so tough” for you to look up his career defensive numbers, you arrogant parasite?

"When I first got to the big leagues I was labeled a DH," he says, so why would the Dodgers hire a DH?

Are you a child? Thames said he was labeled a DH when he first got to the big leagues. That was in 2002, almost a decade ago. Of course, again that would have required you to do some research for the article you are paid to write. Also, it would require you to actually LISTEN to the answer that the man gave you. Sadly, that would take time away from you listening to yourself babble on like tough guy you are.

I bet if Thames hit him once, his fat head would explode like a melon. What a great day that would be.

"They're not getting a DH," he says. "If I can get out there on a more consistent basis, I can prove myself."

Again. Poor Marcus is trying to reason with and make the peace with the troll that wants war. How can anyone hate Marcus Thames?

Anyone with a soul, that is.

The Dodgers are going to platoon Thames in left field with a cast of rejects because he also has the reputation for not being able to hit right-handed pitchers.

"Certain righties," he says. "I'm a better hitter against right-handers than people think."

True. Again, if you did simple research, you could have figured this out for yourself. But I understand. A man like T.J. Simers is too busy for such things. A man like T.J. Simers must have no interruptions when he’s farting in the bathtub and biting at the bubbles.

Last year against righties, Marcus hit a respectable .268 with 7 homers and 19 RBI in 82 at bats. For his career, he’s hit 68 round trippers in 1011 at bats against right handers. That’s 1 homer every 14.87 at bats. Over, let’s say, 400 at bats in a season, that would translate into 27 home runs. Add in the way he creams left handers, maybe we should have kept him instead of Ryan Raburn. Damn.

He’s not going to hit .300. But he’s going to do some damage.

Now as for running away from the obvious question a day earlier,


Thames says, "I didn't handle it well because I've never been approached the way I was approached. It shocked the hell out of me."

I found it odd that over the last nine years that no one had asked him about his poor defense keeping him from becoming an everyday player.

Yeah, T.J. That’s what shocked him. It had nothing to do with your childish, amateur, unprofessional ambush. Die of AIDS, you cuntflap.

"I heard talk, but no one had ever said it directly to me," he says, understandably thrilled now to have it said to his face rather than behind his back.

I’m sure Marcus will be “thrilled” to see T.J.’s bitter, wrinkled, angry face for the rest of the season. Poor guy. And he must have thought the New York media was terrible.

Just took him 24 hours to be thrilled. That's all.

LOOGIT ME! I got the best of him! Simers: 2, TIMS: 0! Haha!

/watches 60 Minutes

//tells kids to get off lawn

///goes to bed at 8:00pm

Fuck you in the face, Simers. You are not funny. I smiled more at a funeral last week than I did reading your pathetic attempts at getting attention.

You are not edgy. Christ, you make Justin Bieber’s music seem edgy. You come off as sad, bitter, tired, and mean. If that’s what you’re after…congrats. You’re a success and I salute you. With both middle fingers.

Remember when I was trying to figure out what T.J. stood for? I think in a just world, it would stand for “Terminated Job”. You are a piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to cover the franchise that has a treasure like Vin Scully calling its games.

Enjoy your fame, Mr. Simers. You’re a household name right now.

Then again, so is garbage. And just like you, it stinks when it gets old.

The Sneeze ...


Hi There,

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing .. and the traditional caps, they looked almost .. as grown up as they felt. Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Mums freely brushed away tears.

This class would NOT
be saying a prayer during the commencements - not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.

The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families. The speeches were nice, but they were routine.....until the final speech received a standing ovation.

A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it
happened...... All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly ... SNEEZED !!

The student on stage.. simply looked at the audience and said,
'GOD BLESS YOU' and then walked off stage...

The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.

Isn't this a wonderful story? Pass it on to all your friends and

This is a true story; it happened at the University of Maryland . Oh, how I wish THIS one would take off and FILL the whole World !

Peace and Love, Kate xxx.

Defending Marcus Thames Against an Awful Hatchet Job

Not all baseball players can’t be as talented as Miguel Cabrera on the field. Only a complete fool would think otherwise. And while most decent teams will have a star or two in the Cabrera fashion, they will have many more guys that are pretty much role players, whether they be slick fielders, guys that can make consistent contact, or whatever.

Now, being a humor blog, DesigNate Robertson likes to take some of the Tiger role players and poke fun at them. Brandon Inge, Clete Thomas, Will Rhymes, and Don Kelly are probably the best current examples. But a child of six (and it usually is a child of six) can tell you that Inge has value due to his amazing defense. Anyone that has seen him play can tell you that Clete has a cannon for an arm. Watch Tinkerbell for a week and you have to be impressed with his scrappy play enthusiasm and ability to move runners over. And even Don Kelly…owns a lot of different fielding gloves.

Point is, former Tiger and new Los Angeles Dodger, Marcus Thames was and is a role player. The “Country Strong Big Fella”, as Rod Allen would affectionately call him, is an impressive sight at 6’2 and 220 pounds of muscle. While never a consistent, productive starter, Thames was and is a great option to come off the bench or fill in for an injured starter for a period of time and hit the occasional jaw dropping home run. He has also shown that he can be capable of carrying a team for short stints as he did in Detroit from June 11th through June 18th, 2008 by hitting eight home runs in seven games, and also in New York where he hit 6 homers and 11 RBI from August 24-30, 2010. He has freakish power and has always been a positive influence in the clubhouse from all reports I’ve seen. In addition, rarely will you find a player that is nicer to fans, from my experiences at the ballpark.

He is also 34 years old. He is a liability on defense, like most lumbering power hitting outfielders are. And furthermore, Marcus has never been a high batting average guy. He is nothing more than a slugging role player, not a five-tool guy, by any means. But still, I would love to have Thames coming off of our bench again because he his good at what his role is.

T.J. Simers of the Los Angeles Times does not agree with me. He has written a piece called “Marcus Thames can’t field, can’t hit righties, won’t talk about it…are you excited yet?” It is the worst piece of writing that I can remember having the displeasure of reading. Please go read it and get back to me. I can wait. I’ll stare at pictures of Jennie Finch and curse Casey Daigle’s name while you’re gone.

Done? Welcome back. Are you as pissed off as I am? How do you attack Marcus Thames, perhaps the nicest guy in the major leagues, for no reason? How do you attack Marcus Thames, the gentle giant who served in the National Guard from 1994-1998, that came from humble beginnings in Louisville, Mississippi, only to make his paralyzed mother Veterine so proud of her boy in the big leagues?

You do this by being an ignorant f-cking prick of the highest order like T.J. Simers of the LA Times is. After the jump, we’ll dive into this one. Props to reader Brandon for sending this one my way.

They stay for a while, sharing the common trait of taking themselves very seriously, before they just disappear.

Who? Terrible sports writers? Agreed.

Go right down the list of head cases, and I won't even mention the name of Gary Matthews Jr.

You just did.

But how about Kevin Brown, Chad Kreuter, F.P. Santangelo, Kenny Lofton, Esteban Loaiza, Brian Jordan, George Sherrill, Jason Phillips, Odalis Perez, Andruw Jones

Is every bad free agent signing the Dodgers have ever made automatically a “head case”? I’m confused. With the exception of Brown being kind of a nut sometimes, I don’t remember any of these guys being headcases. Granted, I’m not a Dodger fan, so I’m not an expert. But like 80% of Dodger fans, I haven’t watched more than three innings of Dodger baseball since Kirk Gibson was on the team. So maybe I am an expert, after all.

Hmm. Let’s try to go through them one by one, just to be fair to Simers.

Kevin Brown: LA signed Brown to a ridiculous 7 year, $105 million deal after the ’98 season despite Brown already being in his mid-30’s and the offer being $40 million higher than the next closest deal. He responded by going 18-9, with a 3.00 ERA and 221 K’s his first year. Injuries would trouble him the rest of the time spent in LA before being traded to the Yankees in 2003. Later, he would be named in the infamous Mitchell Report.

Chad Kreuter: Backup catcher extraordinaire, and former Tiger, Kreuter caught 194 games for the Dodgers from 2000-2002. He did an okay job and later coached baseball at USC for four years, hardly a job you’d give to a headcase. (Headcases coach football at USC…harf.) The only thing I can find odd on Kreuter’s time in LA is that he was sued by former teammate Chan Ho Park and a guy named Ken Collier for non-repayment of a $460,000 loan.

F.P. Santangelo: F.P. played in 81 games for LA in 2000 and managed to hit only .197 in 142 at bats. In seven years in the majors, he was nothing more than a utility player, kind of like Don Kelly. He could play anywhere, just not well. After his career, he went into broadcasting and is currently the color guy for the Nationals on MASN. He is married to a Playboy Playmate. Awesome. He’s also another guy named in the Mitchell Report. Not awesome.

Kenny Lofton: Eleven teams had Lofton as a member of their roster over his 17 year career. He’s a god in Cleveland to this day, but only spent 129 games as a Dodger in 2006 hitting .301, stealing 32 bases, and having 12 triples at the age of 39. What’s so bad about that?

You know what? I’m getting bored with this. Let’s just assume that for whatever reason, Simers just doesn’t like these guys. Maybe they didn’t kiss his ass or something. All I care about is Marcus anyway.

and now Marcus Thames?

Marcus who?

Thames. Like the f-cking river, you ass. He’s an awesome guy to have on your team if you give him a chance. Ask Yankee fans, and they're horrible. Thames was a beast for them last year off the bench.

According to Dodgers' propaganda, this no-name thumper hits a home run every 15.58 at-bats — ranking him 27th in baseball history. Yowza!

Actual stats equal propaganda? No-za! They don't.

Now you would think anyone ranked 27th in baseball history in anything would be a household name,

Ever hear of Bill Dahlen? Me neither. He’s 27th in baseball history with 547 stolen bases.

I know Harold Baines, but is he a household name? He’s 27th in history in at bats.

How about complete games? Red Ruffing isn’t well known and he’s 27th all-time with 335.

I think what I’m trying to say is that you are a cock wallet.

but in his own clubhouse no one seems quite sure how to pronounce his name.

The players on the Dodgers are assholes. Noted. (Although I doubt you actually talked to any Dodger players about Thames' name)

The Dodgers, while gushing about his stats, instructed everyone in their propaganda to call him "Tims,"

So are the people in the Dodgers front office. Again, noted.

while Tims tells everyone else his name is pronounced "Tems."

Okay, so Marcus set the record straight. You think you’d know by now. In only 9 career at bats against the Dodgers, Thames has 3 home runs. But really, are you writing an article about how you’re bad at your job and don’t know the name of one of your team’s free agent signings despite being a month into spring training? Man, and I thought Lynn Henning of the Detroit News was bad. Sorry, Lynn.

I just know this: It's hard to believe such a monster with the bat would be available as a free agent and so cheaply the Dodgers could afford to sign him.

He’s a role player. Who has ever presented Marcus as anything other than that? You’ve got Matt Kemp in center, Andre Ethier in right, and are platooning Marcus with Jay Gibbons and/or Tony Gwynn Jr. in left. What’s the problem here? You don’t see Tom Gage all confused about Ryan Raburn’s role on the Tigers.

It can't be long before Frank McCourt starts selling tickets to Thameswood.

What could Marcus have done to piss this clown off so much? Ugh, I hate the LA media. Everyone out there is awful, except for J.A. Adande occasionally sounding sane.

So I thought I might talk to Tims/Tems on Monday.

What a cock. Too bad Marcus didn’t hit him.

Ordinarily I don't like to start off a week talking to stiffs, but that leaves so few Dodgers to interview these days.

Again, what a pompous ass. Can you believe the LA Times employs this man? I’m amazed anyone on the Dodgers would be willing to speak to him. Who’s the “headcase” again?

And besides, the Dodgers have assured me this stiff is different from all the others they have lined up to play left field. This guy can hit home runs with more regularity than anyone else they have.

Well, obviously. Gibbons and Gwynn aren’t very good. Why are you blaming Thames for the Dodgers making poor free agent signings?

In fact, he's only 442 behind Manny Ramirez.

Oh. You miss Manny...who you helped run out of town. I get it. That’s twice you’ve referred to him. But isn’t Manny possibly the biggest “headcase” in the game today? You’re awful.

As big a hitter as the Dodgers' propaganda suggests,

Again with the propaganda. It’s a stat. If you don’t like it, move on. I haven’t seen anyone this bitter in a long time, my friends. Why does the LA Times pay someone to write about baseball that seems to hate it so much?

it's odd, though, that he's bounced around between the Yankees, Rangers, Tigers and Yankees again during the last nine years before coming to the Dodgers.

It’s not odd if you aren’t a f-cking idiot. Marcus isn’t great on defense and doesn’t hit enough to justify playing him out there every day. He’s good off the bench, though, and can hit you 15-20 homers in limited time. He's a piece of a puzzle and that piece doesn't always fit. How is this so hard to understand?

By the way, this is where you will start to get angry, fair reader.

Maybe it's because he's averaged only 44 games a season on defense, prompting an obvious question.

"Are you that horrible on defense that teams don't think it's worth playing such a home run threat?'' I asked by way of introduction.

What an introduction. I’m not sure how I’d handle the local media introducing themselves to me like that. I’m pretty sure the words “f-ck” and “off” would be involved, though.

Maybe somebody else wastes time schmoozing with Tims/Tems,

But not me, babe. I’m a badass. I play by my own rules.

In all seriousness…is this twat for real?

but he's a one-year rental who has some explaining to do.

Says who? You, you frigging gash? My lord, what has Marcus Thames gotten himself into?

This is like if Henning, Gage, or someone else from a Detroit paper walked up to Johnny Damon three weeks into spring training last year and introduced themself by saying “So why didn’t the Yankees overpay for you again? Is it because you’re getting old and suck on defense? Also is your wife the humungous c-nt she seems to be? You OWE me answers, you f-cking rental!”

How bad are you on defense that teams don't dare risk playing you?

/pulls remaining hair out

If there is a worse sports journalist in the United States right now, I have no clue who he is. Congrats, T.J. Simers. You are the worst of the worst. I am in awe, sir.

Tims/Tems just smiled.

I would kill a newborn kitten to know what he was thinking.

I asked again, because I remember my dealings with Lofton, who would never answer the first question.

Imagine that. Who wouldn’t be eager to answer your wonderful, insightful, well thought out, professional questions? Is this why Kenny was a “headcase”? Because he didn’t want to deal with your bullsh-t?

Eventually he would, while also complaining, "You never write down what I say."

In a world of athletes’ quotes always being taken out of context and every word they say being magnified a hundred times, it’s no wonder Lofton said that. Especially if the reporter is a hack piece of sh-t like this guy is.

I always told him the same thing. "You're boring, but I come back hoping one day you might say something of interest."

Again. I’m in awe of this douche.

Look, I make fun of guys like Inge, Clete, Kelly and company for free on a silly blog to make you guys laugh. This guy is a serious reporter for the LA F-cking Times that gets paid. W…T…F?

When I came back on Tims/Tems,

Your little joke got old quick, dude. I can only assume that you are too busy smelling your own sh-t to notice.

he sat silent. I can see one problem he might have on defense if everyone is relying on him to yell "I got it."

I’ve read this over and over and still sit here confused. Marcus’ problem on defense is that he’s getting older and is a plodding big man. Jose Canseco, Carlos Quenton, Adam Dunn, and countless other slugging outfielders were slugs on defense, too. Did the LA “propaganda” have something in it saying that Tims/Tems was supposed to be Torii Hunter on D?

He said he wasn't going to talk to me because I hadn't introduced myself. That would have allowed him to pull out the little card the Dodgers' PR department provides players advising them how to get a running start on Page 2.

I wouldn’t talk to some schmuck that randomly walked up to me being an ass, either. Good for Marcus. In fact, I’d probably be facing assault charges now.

I can't imagine this is the first time in 10 years that Tims/Tems has been asked why he stinks on defense, thereby limiting his time as a regular player.

I can imagine that it is. Most reporters don’t make a first impression by being the biggest dick they can possibly be.

Unable to answer, he just stood and walked away.

All he would have had to say was, "It's now a Dodgers tradition to play left fielders who can't play defense," and everyone would have gotten one last laugh at Manny's expense.

Manny reference #3. So bitter.

Or, he could have said it's all part of GM Ned Colletti's master plan to get the team ready for the World Series when the Dodgers will require a DH. Or, he could have said, "Plaschke wanted Bynum traded, but I was with Page 2 all the way."

Or, he could have said “Go f-ck yourself.” That would have been awesome.

Instead he curled up into a ball, and I didn't even ask him about his anemic .248 lifetime batting average.

Did Marcus Thames call a press conference that I missed and proclaim himself to be God’s gift to baseball? I don’t think so. This is the most amazing piece of sports writing I have ever read. Whenever I think sports journalism in this country can’t get any worse, someone points out garbage like this. I weep for the reporting on the sport I love. This is an embarrassment to writers everywhere.

Now it's one thing to think outside the box when you don't have much money to spend, but does Colletti understand designated hitters are best employed in the American League?

Ask Colletti about that. Don’t harass a new player whose name you don't have the decency to learn before you start insulting him.

When I ask Don Mattingly about Tims/Tems' horrific problems on defense, the manager says, "I'm not going to say he's [crummy] on defense. He's not a Gold Glove outfielder . . . he's OK. All we've asked Marcus to do is what he's supposed to do."

You can see what a motivational speaker Mattingly can be when it's necessary.

"All we will ask him to do," Mattingly says in giving it another try, "is to play up to his capabilities."

Thank you Don Mattingly, the only voice of reason in the city of angels.

So right away I want to know, "Who won't you ask to play up to their capabilities?" I'm expecting him to say Matt Kemp, but he says he wants the best out of everyone.

This is a relief to me. I’m glad he’s a dick to Donnie Baseball, too. I’d feel really bad if it were just Marcus.

He goes on to say Tims/Tems' problems go way beyond criticism of his defense. "Maybe it's because he doesn't hit righties as good as lefties," Mattingly says.

So now we understand the Dodgers have a guy in left who can't catch, can't hit right-handed pitchers and can't answer questions about his obvious shortcomings.

And folks considered Manny a mess.

Manny reference #4. You are worse than Dan Shaughnessy. I never thought I would say that about any sportswriter.

Is Thames great on defense? No. But he’s not the worst I’ve ever seen. That would be Manny. Ha…

Can he hit right handers? Sure. Last year he hit .268 with 7 home runs and 19 RBI against righties in only 82 at bats. Not bad at all. It took me 3 seconds to see that in a search on yahoo. But this f-ckhead isn’t interested in facts. Just slamming a ballplayer he doesn’t know because he’s bitter against the baseball team he’s PAID to cover.

Can Marcus answer questions about his shortcomings? Of course. But he probably doesn’t want to do so to a condescending pile of festering sh-t like you, you f-ck.

Colletti says the team has a hot prospect in Jerry Sands, so he didn't want to "clog up" left field with players who could play, thus the present mishmash.

The Dodgers haven't won a title in 23 years, so what's the rush?

Must be because of left field. Yup. Asshole. Take it out on the new guy. I can’t imagine why all the big stars wouldn’t’ want to come out there and talk to you every day.

Mattingly says Tims/Tems will start against left-handers, while indicating he has no idea who will start against right-handers. He probably has to call Joe Torre first.

Take that baseball legend Don Mattingly! That’ll show you how I treat people that answer my questions!

But as you can see, excitement is building for opening day — maybe opening day a year or two from now.

And there you have it. This is the worst piece of sports journalism I have ever read.

I feel sorry for Marcus Thames. I’ve never seen a player with so much class treated so poorly by a reporter. It’s days like this that I’m proud to just be a crappy guy with a blog than a member of the “legit” media.

Good luck in La-La Land, Mr. TEMS. Don’t end up sinking to their level. We’re still rooting for you in the D, Big Fella. Here's to hoping you get traded to a team whose media hasn't sunk lower than a snake's fupa in an attempt to get attention.  Perhaps to a city where the reporter reports on the news instead of trying to become the news.

As for you, T.J. Simers?

In Hindsight, Jon Paul Morosi is an Idiot

I’ve been busy lately. Thus, the lack of activity here. I’ll do what I can in the coming weeks, but within a month I’ll be moving back to Toledo. Once I get through all that, I’ll do what I can to get into a more regular posting pattern again. Cool? Cool.

Today’s article to make fun of was written almost two weeks ago. But waiting to attack it actually has helped to show how silly it was.

Jon Paul Morosi at Fox Sports is a dickbag. Here’s the original piece, entitled "Cabrera Headed for his Worst Season?". It’s obviously more foolish Cabrera-bashing, the topic that never ends. But Morisi decided to attack Big Mig’s early spring performance at the plate, too. This is ridiculous. We’ll get into all of that now since hindsight has proven that this article was a waste of time.

Miguel Cabrera is facing charges of impaired driving and resisting arrest in Fort Pierce, Fla. He is undergoing treatment for what team and league officials (though not Cabrera himself) have described as an alcohol addiction.

You knew that much already. But new information emerged Wednesday evening. published documents detailing Cabrera’s Feb. 16 arrest. According to one, Cabrera created a disturbance at a steakhouse, at one point saying, “I will kill all of you and blow this place up.” Another said he brandished his middle finger at a police officer and wandered in the middle of a Florida highway, shouting, “(Expletive) shoot me! Kill me!”

This just in: People that are drunk say stupid things.

I know that this is shocking and news-worthy to people. It’s a good thing we have TheSmokingGun and people like Morosi to point this out to us.

On St Patty’s Day, I drank 10-12 beers, around a half bottle of rum, and three shots of tequila at various bars throughout the evening. I am a moron and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I’m sure that I made dozens of stupid comments throughout the night. In fact, I texted three different people that I wanted to die around 1:30 am. I’m also fairly certain that I threatened a friend of mine’s life because I thought it was funny at the time. Did I mean any of it? Of course not. I’m just an idiot that drank too much. So is Cabrera, I think.

And no, I didn’t drive.

Even if the incident itself is three weeks old, the report was chilling. Cabrera is the face of the Detroit Tigers,

Somewhere in Lakeland, Brandon Inge weeps at this statement.

And even if this article itself is two weeks old, it’s still garbage.

a superstar who finished second in balloting for the American League MVP award.

Obviously, he was drunk. He doesn’t behave that way at the ballpark.

Now THAT would be worth the price of admission. Cabrera stumbling up to home plate and glaring at AJ Pierzynaki. “What’re yeww lookin’ at? Yerr not better’n me. Hic! (puke)”

I’d also like to see Jim Leyland give a drunken press conference. In fact, I would be willing to burn down a middle school to see that.

He was quite cordial, in fact, when I interviewed him Wednesday. We conversed briefly in Spanish at the end. He complimented my efforts to learn the language. He told me that when we speak at this time next year, I won’t need to fall back on my English. He smiled.

I am Jon Paul Morosi. I am very important. Miguel Cabrera was nice to me. You think he is nice to everyone before they write an article bashing him? Ha. I laugh at the thought of that. Eso es divertido para mí. See what I did there?

/smells own farts

And then this.

Which actually happened weeks before I interviewed him. So no, it wasn’t “then this”. Jackoff.

Whether or not Cabrera reads news reports about himself, these revelations won’t help him get ready for the season — and could hurt his defense in court, thus prolonging off-the-field distractions.

How does it hurt him getting ready? He f’d up and is going on with is life. Die in a church fire.

By the way, since we’re talking about that night, did anyone else watch the video of his arrest and hear the cop bragging about the other famous people he had arrested? Then, he ignored Cabrera's attempts to communicate with him the entire ride to the police station? What an ass. Most cops are awful nowadays.

Cabrera declined to address non-baseball subjects during our interview, several hours before the Detroit News and Free Press published the new information from police reports. When asked about Raul Gonzalez, the companion mandated by his treatment program, Cabrera said, “Next question.”

To follow-ups on off-the-field subjects, he repeated the response. Next question. He wanted to talk only about baseball.

So he’s focused on nothing but baseball. And the point of this article of yours is that he is going to have a bad year. Que?

The news isn’t terribly encouraging there, either. In his first 23 at-bats this spring, the big guy is batting .174.

23 at bats, people. Morosi is judging the big guy’s upcoming chances this season on one bad night in the winter and after 23 at bats in f-cking March. Mig had 4 hits in 23 at bats. What if he had one more hit? It jumps to .217. Two more hits? .261. Three? .304.

It’s called small sample size, you twit. And for the record, entering today, Miguel is up to 47 at bats and is hitting .319 and leading the team with 3 homers, 6 doubles, 12 RBI, and a .636 slugging percentage. Pretty sure he’s fine, you douche.

“He’s not ready,” manager Jim Leyland acknowledged Wednesday. “He’s still in the process of getting himself in baseball shape.”

Yup. Didn’t take him long to get there, though, did it?

And when will that process be complete?

“Probably real late in spring,” Leyland said. “He’ll be ready on cue.”

Within 25 more at bats would have been the correct answer. Either way, Jim Leyland has been the only guy (other than myself, ha) that has been right and defended Miguel from the beginning. Bravo, Jim.

/breaks out in cold sweat

Maybe so. But at the moment, I’m not convinced that the Tigers can count on the same .328 batting average, 38 home runs and 126 RBI that Cabrera produced last year.

Dipsh-t. Is every national columnist and/or baseball expert REQUIRED to have the common sense of a dead hamster, or is it just a coincidence that they’re all incredibly stupid?

This is Cabrera’s fourth season as a Tiger, and we can safely say that he is in the midst of his worst spring training with the team — statistically, personally, legally, totally. And that’s relevant for a slugger whose production has followed a curious pattern since he arrived in Detroit.

He’s having a great spring now. It was his winter that sucked. And even that was only one bad day.

He had his best spring in 2010. He had his best regular season in 2010.

He had his second-best spring in 2009. He had his second-best regular season in 2009.

He had his worst spring in 2008. He had his worst season in 2008.

In 2008, Cabrera lead the AL in home runs and total bases. I’m pretty sure that Tiger fans were happy with that.

Now, his average may have been down (.292) in ‘08, but it was his first season seeing AL pitching. I think he has adjusted pretty well since then.

Quit talking about his performance that year like he had Don Kelly’s numbers or something.

“Worst,” of course, is a relative term. Cabrera had a so-so .816 OPS in the spring of ’08 and started the regular season slowly. He had ordinary numbers at the end of June — a .281 average, 11 home runs — before finishing with a flourish. He ended up leading the American League with 37 homers, but the Tigers finished in last place.


How is that relevant? Did Miguel Cabrera pitch for the ’08 Tigers? No. Cabrera did his job. Why in the blue hell do sportswriters bring up the team’s record when discussing a baseball player’s worth? Luis Sojo has been on multiple World Championship teams despite being terrible. Is he better than Cabrera? F-ck and no.

For Cabrera, the season began with a $141 million contract extension and ended in disappointment.

Cabrera did not disappoint. The team did. Stevie Wonder can see this. Why can’t you?  And what does Cabrera's salary have to do with Edgar Renteria playing like crap, Jacque Jones being an abortion, Joel Zumaya, Carlos Guillen, and Gary Sheffield getting hurt, Kenny Rogers being worthless, Nate Robertson and Jeremy Bonderman being themselves, and Justin Verlander pitching like Jason Grilli all year?

It doesn't.  Miguel Cabrera did his job in 2008.  Quit trying to increase the backlash against this incredibly talented baseball player.

Cabrera faced considerable scrutiny that season because of his blockbuster trade,

Again, in hindsight, we gave up jack and sh-t to get Cabrera. Does that still make it a blockbuster? I'm not trying to be a jerk here.  I'm actually curious about that.

staggering contract and World Series expectations. But the difference between that year and this year is something like the competitive chasm between the Big East and Big Sky.

What does this mean? I don’t listen to hip hop. Sorry.

“What pressure you talking about?” Cabrera replied when I asked if he feels the need for a strong showing this spring. “I don’t know what pressure you’re talking about. You have to be ready to play. That’s it.”

God bless Miguel Cabrera. I wish he would have urinated on Morosi afterward.

I asked how high his expectations are for himself.

“What are your expectations about us?” he answered.

I think the Tigers will be pretty good, I told him.

“Me too,” he said.

Sportswriters never stop having orgasms talking about what great “team players” that Derek Jeter, Tom Brady, and others are. They never stop complaining about the “me-first players” like Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, and LeBron James. Why must you continue to crap on Mig for being so team-oriented?

Cuz he wants a story? Go to hell.

It’s nice that Cabrera is thinking about his team, but the burden on his broad shoulders is greater than ever before. The reports on Wednesday night — the three-week anniversary of the traffic stop heard ’round baseball — reinforced that to anyone who might have forgotten.

How can anyone forget when members of the media continue to make their ignorant assumptions and conclusions on a man they don’t know?  Again, it's been almost two weeks since this story ran.  Has anyone had the nuts on a major site to talk about what a good spring Miguel has ended up having?

No.  That would be boring.  And it would prove all their idiotic assumptions wrong. Asshats.

And since Cabrera won’t address matters that reach beyond the foul lines, we’re left to speculate whether there could be a link between the alcohol issues and his play thus far.

Again, two weeks later, and he’s beating the sh-t out of the ball. If it’s because of the booze, I say let’s get Inge and Peralta doing some keg stands, too! Booze equals high OPS? Who knew? Other than Josh Hamilton…

A number of people with the organization, from club president Dave Dombrowski to multiple players, told me that Cabrera has hit several line drives this spring that gusting winds have turned into outs.

This is awesome. Morosi has just admitted that his conclusions about Cabrera have come without even watching him play. Fall into a tar pit, dickface.

At the same time, here’s what I saw in Wednesday’s 5-3 loss to Philadelphia: Twice he struck out on pitches outside the strike zone, recalling a habit he fell into in pressure situations three years ago.

Wow. 20 at bats into spring and he wasn’t in mid-season form. Release him!

Twice he couldn’t come up with ground balls that a more nimble first baseman might have turned into outs.

Better yet, trade him for Doug Mienkiewicz! THAT GUY can catch a ground ball with the best of ‘em!

Cabrera looks heavier than he was at any time last year. He is not moving particularly well in the field. He looked a little anxious at the plate Wednesday.

Lesson?  Appearance is everything. Speaking of which, Morosi looks like a date rapist.
Should I just assume that he is? Okay…I will. I mean, look at those sideburns.

“I feel good, you know?” he told me. “I’ve got my approach. That’s why we’re playing in spring training. I’ve got to make adjustments.”

Yes. He does.

And he did. Suck on it, fella.