Tiger Droppings: 2011 Trade Deadline Edition

We are officially less than a week away from the trade deadline. The Tigers have been connected to pretty much every starting pitcher with a pulse. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing.

Today, we'll cover the starters the Tigers have been linked to, Chance Ruffin's debut, attempted arson of Don Kelly, me always being right, half-assed parenting, are more.

Let the Droppings begin!

The Search for a Starter, But Not THAT Asshole! Noooooo!

Like I said, there’s a bunch of names floating around, considering the Tigers’ need for another starter. They’ve given up on Phil Coke, at least for this year, and Below/Furbush/Oliver/Turner is not the answer if we’re going to make a serious playoff push.

So here’s a list of the guys we’ve been connected to so far, their current stats, and the good/bad of each of them in my warped eyes.

Hiroki Kuroda, Los Angeles: 6-12, 3.19 ERA, 127 IP, 97 K, 1.22 WHIP

The Good: Solid pitcher, good control, proven track record, unlimited dumb racist humor potential for this site.

The Bad: Old, has no-trade clause, NL-to-AL fear, Dodgers may want a lot.

Verdict: I’m sold, but only if we don’t give up one of our top three prospects.
Erik Bedard, Seattle: 5-3, 2.82 ERA, 83 IP, 90 K, 1.11 WHIP

The Good: An ace when healthy, M’s won’t want the world for him, lefty strikeout machine.

The Bad: Never healthy, seriously he’s the Carlos Guillen of pitchers.

Verdict: He’s the biggest high risk/high reward guy out there. I say do it if we can pull it off for low level prospects like the Betemit deal. Then, keep him in a bubble at all times.
Ubaldo Jimenez, Colorado: 6-9, 4.20 ERA, 122 IP, 116 K, 1.34 WHIP

The Good: Young, hard-thrower, ace-like talent when at his best.

The Bad: Will cost all our top prospects, he’s overrated, velocity is down lately.

Verdict: No thanks. He scares me for some reason. And I have a man-crush on Jacob Turner and don't want to give him up.
Aaron Harang, San Diego: 9-2, 3.45 ERA, 104.1 IP, 72 K, 1.30 WHIP

The Good: What you see is what you get, experienced, quality starter.

The Bad: Petco has influenced his numbers this year, I’m a fan of his (which means he probably sucks).

Verdict: I’m for it, if the price is right. But we probably shouldn’t. Does that make sense? I often like players that suck for some reason.  See Higginson, Bobby, Raburn, Ryan, Anderson, Josh, Tomko, Brett, etc.
Jeremy Guthrie, Baltimore: 4-14, 4.33 ERA, 137.1 IP, 85 K, 1.35 WHIP

The Good: Will eat innings, much better than Baltimore record shows, solid history.

The Bad: Gives up a lot of homers, smells like Baltimore.

The Verdict: Won’t be the worst thing in the world, but I’m hoping for better.
Jason Marquis, Washington: 8-5, 3.95 ERA, 120.2 IP, 71 K, 1.42 WHIP

The Good: Having arguably his best season, K rate is highest since 2004

The Bad: Never pitched in AL, expensive contract, gives up hits like Paris Hilton gives up her snatch.

The Verdict: Avoid. Please.
Wandy Rodriguez, Houston: 6-7, 3.60 ERA, 115 IP, 100 K, 1.32 WHIP

The Good: Good health history, lefty, name is “Wandy”.

The Bad: Never pitched in AL, Dominicans lie about their age, K rate is down

The Verdict: Houston’s probably going to want too much. Pass.
Doug Fister, Seattle: 3-11, 3.30 ERA, 139 IP, 84 K, 1.17 WHIP

The Good: 6’8 lefty, the Fister/Furbush combo would be EPIC, doesn’t give up homers

The Bad: Seattle fucked us last time we tried this, has benefitted from Seattle’s D (ours sucks).

The Verdict: Worth a chance if we can’t get a bigger, more dependable name.
Jason Vargas, Seattle: 6-9, 4.09 ERA, 134.1 IP, 86 K, 1.27 WHIP

The Good: Young, cheap, lefty, consistent.

The Bad: No fastball, see Doug Fister for the rest.

The Verdict:  Maybe...I don't know enough about him. Sorry.
Who do I think we’re going to get? I have no idea. My dream scenario would be to have a healthy Bedard, but that’s quite a gamble. It’s DD’s job on the line…not mine. He’s in a tough position where he needs to win now. I just hope he doesn’t overpay with the team’s future to make it look like he did his best.

You tell me. Who do you want? Bedard? Wandy? NATE?

No Chance in Hell

The newest “Kill Jim Leyland” topic going around is how he brought Chance Ruffin in for his major league debut to face Carlos Quentin with the bases loaded in Monday’s game against the hated White Sox. Ruffin gave up a double to Quentin and later gave up two homers. People are all over the Marlboro Man for his choice in putting Ruffin in that spot.

To those people, I say, “Eat a bag of pig shit.” Quentin’s a righty. It was the 5th inning. He can’t blow out the bullpen that early in the game. Coke, Furbush or Purcey (or leaving the struggling Below in) only would have played into Quentin’s strength lately, as his OPS is nearly 70 points higher against lefties this year. Alburquerque was better served to be saved for later in the game, and was just as likely to walk Quentin as he was to strike him out. The White Sox had no scouting on Ruffin yet. And finally, Ruffin’s been a closer in Double-A and Triple-A this year. The kid should be used to pressure.

The only other pitcher I think could have been used in that position was Don Kelly. He’s been unhittable out of the pen this year.

Is it the way I would have preferred to see Ruffin make his debut? Fuck and no, it wasn’t. We shouldn't have been in that position anyway, if the umpires didn't have a vendetta against us. And if he would have got Quentin out, Leyland would have been complimented for having faith in his young pitcher. But since he hung a slider, Leyland’s an asshole.

Fuck you, Tiger fans.

But yeah, we could really use another righty reliever before the trade deadline. That, or we need Ryan Perry to get his head out of his ass.

Don Kelly is a Flamer

If you missed Justin Verlander giving Don Kelly a hotfoot in the dugout the other day, here’s a link to the video. It’s definitely worth checking out for a laugh. Don Kelly on fire was about the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life, second only to Magglio’s homer off of Huston Street in 2006.

If you’re like me (and if you are, shoot yourself), you were screaming, “FINISH HIM!” I was hoping David Purcey would hug Kelly while it was going on, due to him being composed of 95% gasoline. It was quite the fun moment to watch live.

I also had the following lyrics in my head all night: “We don’t need Don Kelly, let the motherfucker burn. Burn motherfucker…burn.”

I have issues.

Great Moments in Parenting

You may recall a week ago, Your Party Host bravely caught a screaming line drive foul ball off the bat of Alex Avila (on 800 bounces) at the Tigers/A’s game. Well, Friday, I proudly presented it to my 7 year old. Surely, he would appreciate such an unbelievable treasure.

No. Not my little spoiled brat. He looked it and quipped, “It’s not even autographed”, and tossed it aside carelessly and went back to his stupid Pokemon video game. SCREW YOU, ROGO JUNIOR! Ugh! FINE. Ball is mine now! Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have prematurely ejaculated into your mother, you little bastard!

I kid. I think. But the ball’s now residing on my creepy shrine of Tiger artifacts I’ve collected over the years with my Sparky plaque, my bobbleheads, my annoying waving towel from the 2006 Magglio game, and other silly souvenirs. And that is where it will stay. Let the little shit get his own foul ball.

Kids are awful.

Someone Please Praise Me
Since July 7th, Ryan Raburn is hitting .355 with 2 home runs. Now remember how EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF YOU wanted Raburn cut from the team? And remember how I was the ONLY FUCKING PERSON that said to be patient because he does this every year and will be fine for the second half?

Remember that?

Blow me. Ryno's gonna be fine.

But, Plugs

-Are you on Twitter yet? If not, I recommend signing up. I held out forever because I thought it would be pointless and stupid, like this blog. But it’s actually quite entertaining, unlike this blog.

Where else can you immediately be updated by Jason Beck whenever one of the players picks his nose in the dugout or someone walks past the press box in a Mickey Tettleton jersey? In what other place can you read Grey from Fire Gerald Laird leave comments every seven seconds, twenty-four hours a day? Where else can you listen to Kurt from Bless You Boys complain about comments left on his site and get updates every time his dog has a bowel movement? Nowhere, that’s where.

At least sign up to hear the wit and wisdom of @PhilCokesBrain. That guy is hysterical. Also, you can find me @DNR_Rogo.

-Austin at Detroit Tigers Scorecard updates everyone on the progress of the rumored Tiger trade prospects here. And he does it without cursing!  Wish I was capable of that.

-Sam at RotT is awesome, as always. Here she covers the first game of the Sox series and has her illustrations of the Don Kelly hotfoot incident. These may be better than the actual thing.  Bravo, Sam.

-At mLive, Ian lists some links of his own to check out. Be sure to leave a comment telling him how stupid he is for something that someone else wrote. He loves that shit.

That's all for today. Time to watch Verlander pitch and leave witty comments on Twitter. All the cool kids are doing it.

Sigh...I miss having a life.