Perhaps I'm Just Not a People Person...

The following introduction is not meant to be an attempt to suck up to any of you. It is simply how I honestly feel.

The next blog entry here will be the 400th. That's about 375 more than I ever thought it would last. I sure have wasted a LOT of my time on this stuff.  Yours too, maybe.  In the next week or two, I plan on cleaning it up a bit. Eliminate some of the filler stuff. Re-do some of the tags, maybe. I dunno. Maybe quit whining so much.

But, I want to thank you. This blog may not have the biggest following, but I am grateful to those of you that stop by for a laugh or whatever. Those of you that “get” what I do here, or the majority of you that leave comments seem to be nice folks that are knowledgeable about the sport the Tigers play. I think you get that 90% of the time I’m just being a goof and trying to provide my own unique brand of entertainment to you all. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But eff it, it’s not like any of you jerks are paying me for this, right? Ha…

Anyway, I feel fortunate that I don’t have to deal with so many of the ignorant psychos that frequent the bigger sites like Yahoo, the official Tigers site, the Freep, the News, and mLive. Obviously, not everyone that leaves comments on those sites is a nut. But the ones that are clueless have ruined it for everyone else there. Notice that I left Bless You Boys out of that list. One of the most overlooked and amazing things Kurt and company have done over there is keep most of the discussions sane and eliminate the majority of idiots that may show up. That cannot be an easy task.

But again, from the bottom of my black little heart, thank you for making DesigNate Robertson a joy for me to do a few times a week.

With that out of the way, I just have to share some of these comments I’ve come across on a couple of those sites the past couple days. It amazes me that these folks are among us. It blows my mind that many of these individuals are on the same planet with us, let alone cooking our food, patrolling our streets, building our roads, or whatever mental patients that post crazy things on the internet do when they’re not being nutbags.
I hope you get a laugh out of this. After a while, though, at least with me, that laughter turned to concern and a general uncomfortable feeling. These people are all Tiger fans.

They are among us.

I haven’t always been in agreement with some of Jamie Samuelsen’s articles at the freep site. In fact, I’ve probably been WAY too harsh with him over the years in my attempts to find a comic foil. My bad. But his latest work that I read was a decent enough piece, I thought. It dealt with Jim Leyland and Dave Dombrowski and what challenges they both face in the season’s second half. It was a good piece. But here’s some of the comments that have been left by his freep readers. Their quotes appear in italics. BTW, in all of these, any spelling mistakes, logic mistakes, or any other insanity is all their own.


First off, it’s 2011. Who still writes in all caps? As for the rest…I don’t even know where to begin. But let’s make a rule…no more bitching about the Jurrjens deal, okay? It sounded okay to EVERYONE at the time. Hindsight’s a cunt, I know. But fucking move on. He probably would have sucked in Detroit anyway. Atlanta has a knack for bringing out pitching talent or something. Just let it go.

Without the Granderson deal, what exactly would our rotation have looked like this year? JV, EJax, Wilis, Porcello, Bondo? I actually have not clue there...but for the rest of this rambling stuff here, lets just back away slowly and move on.

It wouldn't take that much to fire Lloyd or send him down to Toledo for more seasoning but Leyland won't fire two coaches in the same season!

Will someone please tell me exactly when it was that Lloyd McClendon broke into a majority of the Tiger fanbase’s homes and skull-fucked their children in front of them? Jesus Christ, people. These are MLB baseball players. They’ve been hitting for years before Lloyd met these guys. He’s there to offer suggestions and try to help if the guys need it. The greatest hitting coach ever isn’t going to make Brandon Inge turn into Alex Rodriguez at the plate.

Or how about giving him credit for once? Did anyone expect Jhonny Peralta or Alex Avila to produce the way they have? How about how that Brennan Boesch fella rebounded from his abortion of a second half last year, huh? Think any of these guys have ever met Mr. McClendon? Or do you think he only works with Inge and Ryan Raburn before August hits?

And send him down for seasoning? Are you fist-fucking me? This isn’t Danny Worth. It’s a man who played in the big leagues for eight years and MANAGED the Pirates for four. Fuck, man. Leave poor Lloyd alone.

What is the teams winning percentage when Inge, Rayburn and Ordonez are in the game compared to the Percentage when they are on the bench? With them the Tigers were 7 1/2 games back. Both Inge and Ordonez on the DL and they made up the ground. With them back in, the team is barely holding on to their position. It looks like a simple math problem. Two minus's = a positive. Pick two and bench them.

Your math is on par with your English. Congrats. Now die of something painful.

1. SS, Reyes (rental player, use oliver to get him)
2. RF Ordonez
3. C Avila
4. 1B Cabrera
5. DH Martinez
6. 3B Peralta
7. LF Boesch
8. CF Jackson
9. 2B Santiago (great defense, and speed at the bottom of the order.)

Make this happen DD, and we will not have to worry about pitching. With Reyes at short and Santiago at second, we improve our defense significantly. No more weak ground balls making it by our slow infielders. Take Inge and Rayburn and trade them for a 14th round pick and a bottle of champagne to celebrate their departure.

Yes, the Mets would love to give up their best player for Andy Oliver who, at best, looks to be a #3 starter in MLB. Simple as that. Silly Dombrowski. Why do so many people think that other teams are desperate to unload their superstars on us for marginal players? It blows my fragile little mind.

Leyland will quit smoking cold turkey before he hits Avila third.

Santiago sucks, we’ve been over this a lot lately. And in 623 games over 10 years, he’s 27 for 40 in stolen base attempts. Look out, Rickey Henderson!

Also the meme of trading (insert struggling player here) for (insert stupid object) is growing more tired and repetitive than Tim McCarver. Like him, it should go away forever. NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. Like Dane Cook. And this site.

Inge, Raburn. Carlos, Magglio have no business starting on a contending team.

Try This

1) Dirks RF
2) Wells CF
3) Boesch LF
4) Cabrera 1B
5) Vmart DH
6) Peralta SS
7) Avila C
8) Worth 3B
9) Rhymes/Kelly 2B

No easy outs with this lineup.

Except for Dirks, Wells, Worth, and Rhymes/Kelly. Jeebus, while you’re at it, call up Clete Thomas to replace Boesch. At least you spelled Raburn’s name right. Fuckhead.

I cannot believe I read on the Tigers site that Leyland said he thought Raburn showed signs of coming around and that he is still optimistic about "Ingey" as he called him! He has to be the biggest pie- in- the- sky lamebrain manager ever! If either of those two dopes are back to start the 2nd half,then their collapse is assured!

Is the leader of the team supposed to call his players a “pile of shit” or something? Also, Raburn has been hitting a bit better the past 10 games or so. You would know this if you watched Tiger baseball games. Sadly, that would take time away from writing responses to articles that you know nothing about. Maybe Raburn rebounds, maybe he doesn’t. With Guillen coming back, it doesn’t really matter (for the week Carlos stays healthy). Also, what does “pie-in-the-sky” mean? Is this an old white guy term that I’m not familiar with?

This comment was left by a user who has been blocked by our staff.

Holy shit, you can be blocked by the freep staff?!? What did they do to get blocked, make a sane and logical point?

JL's 20 yr. coaching record is proof positive, that once he falls into a rut, by playing the same losers, nite after nite, and day after day-The Tigers lose.
Jackson,Rayburn, and Inge provide an automatic 9 outs for the opposing team. There are only 27 outs,in a game, so these "3 blind mice". alone account for at least 1/3rd or 9 of those outs; every single game.
JL is telling the other 6 players to try and outscore the other teams, with only 18 outs. When 1/3rd of your starters, can't get out of the box; can't drive in runs, can't advance runners, can't bunt; can't hit a sac fly ball, the Tigers will never win the division, let alone get into the playoffs or WS.
If he has any sense, he will play Danny Worth at 3rd, Santiago at 2nd , and Dircks, or Wells, in CF the rest of the way. If he sticks with the "3 blind mice"; kiss another season good bye and good nite.-If these 3 can't hit now they never will. Its over.

Three Manager of the Year awards, two World Series appearances, and one win…yeah, he’s a clueless putz. Also Worth and Santiago can’t hit. Wells is okay. And I have no idea who Dircks is. I bet he’s one of Rayburn’s friends.

Lots of AJax hate at the freep, too. These are the kind of people that would win 40 million dollars in the lottery and then spend all their time bitching about paying taxes on it. No making them happy, it seems.

Outside of Verlander, the rest of the Tigers pitiching staff is far too pridictable as to what they throw to the plate. Its only Fastballs, and same speed sliders.
Major leaguers can sit on fastballs, and same speed sliders all game. If the Tiger's pitchers can't change speeds, and hit the corners of the plate, every single team in baseball, knows that the next pitch will be a fastball or same speed slider. Most batters "guess fastball", but if the slider is coming in at the same speed as the "fast ball", they T off on it.
Watch the games where the Tiger pitchers get shellacked. Every batter is cocked and loaded for the fastball and same speed sliders. And those pitches have been finding the center of the plate, vs. the corners. Ptiching Coach, is non existant for the Tigers, as is the batting coach. Both should be fired.

This, of course, was written at least a week after Rick Knapp was fired. Way to keep up with things while you’re writing your unintelligible nonsense. The freep should make people submit their addresses before people can post. That way, some sort of security force that I am willing to lead can go to these people’s homes and toss them into a wood chipper. I’m “cocked and loaded” for the opportunity! Give me a call, Free Press!

Before I wrap this up, an old friend of the blog, Ian Casselberry posted some links at mLive. I can’t resist reprinting this winning comment after it.

Yep i hope old iron lung make me a lier.2nd half CHOKE JOBES .INGE blows rabrun stinks.He KEEPS playing them.WHY WHY WHY????OLD DUMBBOSKI also should take the blame too.

Now people bitch about baseball players if they aren’t friendly with fans. Would you want to be within fifty yards of this person in ANY kind of setting? What the fuck…

Okay, ONE MORE in response to Ian’s links…

Detroit does not need rabum offense , they need defensive.Runner on first, LHB and rabum was almost over second. Hit and the failure of Furbush began.
runs are not a problem for Detroit. Put a realsecond base and third and the era will improve

Our teachers are either very underpaid…or hideously overpaid.


I hope that Jamie and Ian don’t spend much time reading their comments section. (I also hope Jamie’s never read this site. Yikes.) If I had their readers, I’d fucking hang myself with a length of barbed wire. Also, and I think it goes without saying, neither Jamie or Ian had anything to do with this piece you’re reading. I just feel the need to make that clear since many people out there are apparently psychotic.

Do I think I’m better than the average Tiger fan? No. (Yes I do.) Do I think my opinions are always right? No. (Only 98% of the time.) But for Cobb’s sake, if you are going to respond to a written article, try to make some sort of sense. Attempt to spell half of your words correctly. Have some sort of clue what you’re talking about.

And if you insist on sharing your knowledge with the world, try to back it up with actual facts. Different opinions are fine. Life would be boring if we always agreed. But these opinions that people have should make some sort of sense, I feel. Yes, Brandon Inge sucks donkey dick right now. Everyone including Jim Leyland and Brandon Inge knows that. But saying that starting Don Kelly at third over him will propel the Tigers to the playoffs is bordering on insane! Those glorious times that Kelly has started at third for Inge? He hit .209/.273/.264 in those games! (Thanks to Fire Gerald Laird for that stat.) Replacing horseshit with dogshit is not progress. It’s all shit in the end.

This is why I’m so anti-Bill Simonson, as of late. His weekly contribution to mLive is doing nothing but encouraging these ignorant pricks. When the writer of a piece makes outrageous, incorrect claims, many people will just go along with it. Then it all spreads like a disease. It may seem silly to many of you, but it annoys me to no end.

The internet’s an odd thing. Any idiot mongoloid with a keyboard can share their thoughts with the world in a moment’s notice. This blog and my thoughts are proof of that. But it shouldn’t be this bad. Let the Yankees and Red Sox have the idiot unsilent majority. Not us.

These people are among us, my friends. They’re out there. If you happen to meet them on the street, do NOT try to engage them in logical conversation. Walk away and pray that they don’t follow you. And if they do, stay calm, take a deep breath, and kill them with fire.

One last thing, and I want EVERYONE to participate with me, it’s spelled:

R-A-B-U-R-N. Raburn! Not Rayburn! Now tell a friend.

From now on, anyone that spells Ryno’s name as “Rayburn” gets neutered with a broken beer bottle and a blowtorch!

/hops off soapbox

Thank you again.

I need a vacation.