My Evening With Magglio

Pic via Toledo Blade

So I attended Thursday evening’s Mud Hens/Braves Triple-A game to get a look at Magglio Ordonez and how he’s coming along. Doesn't he look like Marvin the Martian in that oversized batting helmet? The Braves eventually won the most boring baseball game ever, 2-0, with Magglio going 0 for 4. I’ll get to the highlights in a moment, but first I should talk to you about the conversation I had with a guy today that happens to have Don Kelly’s phone number.

Yeah, you heard me.

A Moment in the Life of Your Party Host

I mentioned this on my BRAND SPANKING NEW Twitter account earlier (follow me…or I’ll die), but here’s the full story.

I’m wandering around at work today attempting to look busy, when a guy at the bar waves me over. He’s a nice guy that I’ve talked to in the past (we’ll call him “Bill”) and we make quick small talk. Since I’ve been too lazy to wash my work clothes, he noticed that I was clad in a Tigers shirt today and we began talking about the team and their recent success.

The guy had a friend with him that brings up how upset he is over Inge’s trip to the DL. Sigh…I immediately begin planning my escape. But not being able to help myself, I mention my dislike of the playing time that Don Kelly is receiving and Bill cuts me off. He tells me that he loves Kelly and is so happy for him. I, naturally, start wondering if I can get away with strangling him in front of the other customers. Surely, temporary insanity is plausible when someone declares their love for Don Kelly. Then he tells me of how he occasionally umpires minor league baseball and is friendly with Kelly. He has even exchanged texts with Kelly in the past.

/record scratch

What? I immediately stared at his cell phone sitting on the bar. He’s going on about how nice Kelly is and what a hard worker he is. He’s talking about how third base isn’t his natural position, but Don’s making the best of it. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…I’m just staring at the phone. I want this phone number. I NEED this phone number! Think of the chaos! Think of the…

Oh, who am I kidding? Though I sometimes come off as such, I’m not a monster. As I’ve said in the past, I once met Don Kelly when he was a young minor leaguer in his first go-around with the Tigers. He was an incredibly nice guy and still is. He works his butt off and my hatred of him comes more from the positions Jim Leyland puts him in than from his actual performance. Don’t get me wrong, he sucks and I wish he played for anyone but us, but what would I REALLY do with DK’s didgits?

The words that come to mind are those of one of America’s great poets:
THE JOKER: Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it.

Anyway, Bill and I talked a bit, he told me a funny story about Timo Perez cussing out his fellow umpires over a blown call once, and he enjoyed his lunch. The end.

…I’m gonna get that fucking number.

Okay, the Hens game, right. Here’s what I remember.

*My friend and I got there about 20 minutes before start time and bought tickets from some dude on the street for $5 each. Not bad. We wandered around the stadium for a while before settling into our seats. We sat there for three minutes before I wanted to strangle the guy in front of us.

ROGO’S PET PEEVE #2,329: Adult males are NOT permitted to bring a mitt to a baseball game. It’s ridiculous on so many levels. I love the idea of kids bringing their gloves…keeps up the illusion they’re going to catch a ball. Great. Women? Ehhh, I’ll allow it. Not sure why, but I will. Maybe I saw FSD Girl Lauren with a mitt on TV and thought it was cute...I dunno. Men, no way, never. You bring a mitt to a game, you must turn in your testicles before the National Anthem ends.

So, we got up and left before I felt the urge to stuff that fucking glove down his throat. We spent most of our time in right field making fun of anyone dumb enough to walk past us. Speaking of right field…

*That lazy shit Magglio was the DH tonight! What a crock! I thought he needed time in the field?

*Brayan Villareal started for the Hens and gave up two hits and a walk in the 1st. He looked terrible, but got out of it. He looked decent the rest of the time in there, only giving up one run. Also in the 1st, Omir Santos almost threw a ball away that the third baseman saved. He must have been rusty being Leyland’s personal cigarette gopher for the past week.

*You have to see Will Rhymes in person to appreciate how friggin’ tiny he is. I’m pretty sure my 7 year old could take him in a fistfight.

*The Braves have a kid leading off with the last name “Costanza”. The Hens played a Seinfeld clip of George every time he came up. It reminded me of seeing Evan Longoria there and them playing the “Desperate Housewives” theme when he batted. Nice sense of humor from the Hens. I bet Mr. Costanza NEVER gets tired of it.

*A couple times during the game, while an opposing player is batting, they’ll do some crap where they ask you to “scream for ice cream”. If the batter strikes out, some pricks win free ice cream or something. As I watched this nonsense taking place, I couldn’t help wondering what guys like Clete, Rhymes, Timo, and other players that have been in the show were thinking out there. Most likely, “Someone PLEASE get me out of this fucking hick bullshit town. Sizemore gets traded and they call up Worth? DANNY WORTH? He’s a pedophile, for crissakes!”

Note: There is no proof of Danny Worth being a pedophile. I can’t believe Clete, Rhymes, or Timo would think that. What jerks. (Sorry, Timo.)

*Rhymes led off for Toledo and walked. He was quickly thrown out stealing because his little legs couldn’t get him to second soon enough. I only mention this because the “little legs” comment was made by someone standing near me and I found it hysterical.

*Magglio’s first at bat saw him almost single to right, but the prick second baseman of the Braves made a diving stop and threw him out. I hope his penis rots off.

*I see some odd looking dude in a “Vans” t-shirt and dreadlocks walking towards us. I nudge my friend and in my best “coach from Major League” voice say, “Look at THIS fucking guy.” I turn back to the game and then feel a tap on my shoulder. It’s dreadlock guy. “Scott, is that you?”

My mouth must have been hanging open when he identified himself as some guy I went to school with. I haven’t seen this guy in at least 15 years. At first, I thought he must have known me from my WORLD FAMOUS TWITTER ACCOUNT (that I barely know how to use) where YOU can get the WIT and WISDOM of Your Party Host many times a day if I’m not being lazy! Sigh. Anyway, we BS a bit, and I tell him about wanting to see Maggs play, thus our trip to the park.

At this point, he tells me how he knows a guy that runs one of the more popular bars downtown and apparently Magglio has been hanging out in there this week. Don’t mess your pants, people, he’s not pulling a Cabrera. Dude says Maggs has just been hanging out, being super friendly to everyone, and signing autographs like crazy. Phew…I was worried for a second.

Then he tells me he’s going to go try and smoke a joint in the outfield area without getting caught. I wished him luck and sent him on his way.

Toledo…nothing like it, people.

*In between innings, they played “Cotton Eyed Joe” and some girls were on the field dancing to it. They were joined buy a guy in a Hens jersey that started dancing like a lunatic. Considering the song, I assumed it was Clete Thomas. But I believe this guy was wearing #2 and since I didn’t see a #2 listed on the Hens roster, I can only assume it was a plant and not an actual Hen. NICE TRY, MUD HENS. Not buying your shit today.

*Magglio struck out his second time up.

*If I didn’t hate Cale Iorg before, I do now. His walkup music is “Magic Man” by Heart. What a douchebag. Also, he sucks at baseball. He’s so bad, Leyland would bat him #2 and minor league umpires probably worship him.

*Magglio killed a rally in the 6th by grounding out to third.

*Always a Tiger Mud Hen, Wilkin Ramirez, played for the Braves tonight. He had a double off of Ryan Perry. Nice to see ya, Wilkin. Too bad you weren't white or Venezuelan enough to stick around with the team.

*Speaking of Perry, his very first offering was a wild pitch about three feet over the catcher’s head allowing a runner to advance to third. Yikes. But he then k’d the batter and the next one, too. Nice recovery, Ryan. Perry looked to be throwing pretty hard tonight, too. Expect him to be walking batters at a record pace back in Detroit in no time.

*The Hens’ third baseman is named Bryan Pounds. Great…another player with a sexual innuendo for a last name. I was mumbling “Bryan Pounds Furbush, Bryan Pounds Purcey” for half an inning like a mental patient.

As you can guess, I have a very limited circle of friends.

Dombrowski signs these guys just to help the blog, I think. Thanks, Dave.

*Bottom of the 9th, Hens trail 2-0 with the top of the lineup coming up. I smell walk off for Magglio.

Note: I have a horrible sense of smell.

*Rhymes strikes out because he’s a scrappy abortion. Timo walks because he rules. Magglio strikes out on three pitches because…um…because I made him nervous by announcing I’d be attending the game on my NEW TWITTER ACCOUNT! Follow me or I’ll kill your loved ones!

*Scott Thorman grounded out to end the game.. Ugh.

Overall, it was a fun night, if you overlooked Toledo's play. If you’ve never been to a Mud Hens game and get a chance, I recommend it. Nice stadium, decent prices on everything, and not a bad seat in the house.

Too bad the team sucks donkey schlong right now.

I hope Magglio looks better in the next couple days. Because if he comes back to Detroit and plays like he did tonight, there’s going to be a LOT of backlash coming.

You just KNOW Ryan Raburn is hoping Magglio looks terrible on Monday. Something needs to get the focus off of him.


(I hate you, Alli…)