Know Thy Enemy: Minnesota Twins

Well, that Toronto series was fun. We’ve made it back to .500. JV got his second no-no. AJax remembered how to hit. Brad Penny looked like a guy we can count on. Octovio Dotel plunked Don Kelly and knocked him out of a game. The only really bad day was my birthday on Friday where Inge K’d three times and made an error, Kelly had another diving fail in the outfield, and Brad Thomas entered the game. I think they did all of that on purpose to ruin my special day. Pricks. Luckily alcohol was there to help me not feel feelings anymore.

But forget all that. We’re about to have our first series with those jerks who win our division every year (or at least 6 of the last 9), the Minnesota Twins. This year, the Twins are struggling. Poor things. I hope they never win a game again.


The Twins can be traced back to Kansas City in 1894 where they were a Western League team before moving to Washington DC in 1901 as one of the eight original teams of the American League. They were called the Washington Senators or Washington Nationals depending on the day, I guess. They were pretty bad back then and were immortalized in the Broadway musical Damn Yankees.

In 1960, Major League Baseball granted the city of Minneapolis an expansion team. Dicks. Washington owner Calvin Griffith requested that he be allowed to move his team to Minneapolis and instead give Washington the expansion team. Upon league approval, the team moved to Minnesota after the 1960 season, moving into Metropolitan Stadium, while Washington fielded a brand new "Washington Senators" (which later became the Texas Rangers).

Since then, the team has fielded Hall of Famers Harmen Killebrew, Bert Blyleven, Rod Carew, Kirby Puckett, Paul Molitor, Steve Carlton, and Dave Winfield. Honorable mention goes to Kent Hrbek and Jim Thome…two of the very few Twins that I haven’t wanted to see die in a dumpster fire.

Face of the Franchise
St. Paul’s own Joe Mauer is the hero of the Twins franchise. Though he is currently on the DL still recovering from knee surgery, he is a four time All Star, three time AL batting champ, three time Gold Glover, and the 2009 AL MVP. Mauer’s spit is rumored to cure cancer. He can heal sick babies by just laying a meaty palm on their forehead. Also, his dreamy sideburns radiate a glow on the first Sunday of every month that can make blind men see and make the crippled walk again.

Fuck Joe Mauer.

Old Friends

None. Thank goodness for that. There’s nothing more disgusting than when a Tiger goes on to play for the White Sox or Twins. Breaks my cold, black heart.

Other Superstar Players

Francisco Liriano (crappy other than his no-hitter)
Justin Morneau (has no idea where he is)
Jim Thome (DL)
Joe Nathan (may be broken forever)
Delmon Young (DL)

Ha…we’re facing these guys at a good time.

Most Hated Twin
With a nod of hatred towards Jason Kubel, I have to go with Carl Pavano as my most hated Twin. Normally, his stupid mustache would probably be enough to get him this honor, but Pavano earns my spite due to his crazy ability to baffle Tiger hitters despite being a below average pitcher against the rest of the league as his ERA+ of 97 over his career illustrates.

Oddly enough, as I look up his career numbers at, Pavano isn’t as big and bad as I seem to think of him against us. In 9 career starts against Detroit, he is 5-2 with an ERA of 3.79. Perception is sometimes more real than reality, I guess.

So, let’s go back to the mustache. Dude looks like he spends his off days in a windowless white van driving around outside junior high schools. Creepy, man. Creepy.

They like hockey. They rooted for Brett Favre. Their team almost got contracted a few years back causing them to all consider moving to Canada where they belong. And judging by this picture, they enjoy donuts. A lot.


I hate the Twins. Only wins over the White Sox and Yankees make my testicles tingle more. This is only a two-game series, but it will be the opening shots of a season-long war. The Twins won’t continue to be as bad as they’ve been playing. We need to kick them while they’re down.

Remember Game 163? I sure do.

Never forget.

/tear rolls down cheek