Know Thy Enemy: Boston Red Sox

Kurt from Bless You Boys is reporting that Andy Oliver and Charlie Furbush will be joining the team within a week and Phil Coke will be moved to the struggling bullpen. Oliver will take his place in the rotation. With the lefty 70’sbush coming up, it only makes sense that Brad Thomas or Daniel Schlereth goes to Toledo or the unemployment line, hopefully, in Thomas’ case.

This move takes balls and I’m surprised to see it happening so soon. It says to me that the team sees that the Central Division is there for the taking and they’re not going to wait around anymore like they seemed to do the first month of the season. Also, Dave Dombrowski and/or Jim Leyland look to be realizing that their asses are on the line this year and they just can’t stay pat. I’m intrigued.

Kudos to Kurt for out-scooping the News, Freep, and everyone else on this story. Knowing him, he wouldn’t have gone public with this if it weren’t true. I can only assume that his source is Will Rhymes. They’re tight, I believe.

And now, on to the Know Thy Enemy that I’ve been waiting for. In fact, this is the team that I had in mind when I started this dumb little series on DNR. Yes, we’re off to Fenway for a two-game series with the Bawston Danny Woodhead Nation Teddy Ballgame Red Sawx. Caution: I am probably going to curse a LOT in this one. Seriously. You have been warned.  Good gawd, I hate the Red Sox...


Founded in 1901, the Red Sox were one of the eight charter franchises of the American League. The "Red Sox" name was chosen by the team owner, John Taylor, around 1908, following previous Boston teams that had been known as the "Red Stockings". The Sox would win five champships between 1903 and 1918 before going on the famous “Curse of the Bambino” bullshit curse thing that saw them not win one again until 2004, where they won the heart of America with the “Idiots” including Johnny Damon, Manny Ramirez, Pedro Martinez, and David Ortiz. They would win the World Series again in 2007, but by then, the country had become sick of them.

The BoSox were the last of the MLB teams to break the color barrier, which makes sense since Boston is the most racist non-Missippippi city in the country. Famous moments in Red Sox history require no explanation, just the names Carlton Fisk, Bucky Dent, Enos Slaughter, Aaron Boone, and of course, Bill Buckner. Their feud with the New York Yankees is seen as the biggest rivalry in sports and ESPN obsesses over it to an annoying degree.

Hall of Famers that have played in Boston include Luis Aparicio, Wade Boggs, Lou Boudreau, Jesse Burkett, Orlando Cepeda, Jack Chesbro, Jimmy Collins, Joe Cronin, Bobby Doerr, Dennis Eckersley, Rick Ferrell, Carlton Fisk, Jimmie Foxx, Lefty Grove, Rickey Henderson, Harry Hooper, Waite Hoyt, Ferguson Jenkins, George Kell, Heinie Manush, Juan Marichal, Herb Pannock, Tony Perez, Jim Rice, Red Ruffing, Babe Ruth, Tom Seaver, Al Simmons, Tris Speaker, Dick Williams, Ted Williams, Carl Yastrzemski, and Cy Young. Of the 33 of them, only 12 are enshrined as a Red Sox, though. Fucking scavengers.

Face of the Franchise
Dustin Pedroia is the perfect face of the Red Sox in their current state. He is everything the Sawx fanbase love. He’s white…that’s most important. He’s scrappy, being that he’s only 5’7 or 5’9 depending on who you ask. He was the 2007 AL Rookie of the Year and the 2008 AL MVP, despite non-sparkling numbers. In an article in Boston Magazine, he shit all over his hometown of Woodland, CA, calling it a “dump” and a city that never embraced him. Bostonians love that crap…makes them feel better about their dump of a city. Most importantly, he peaked early and has gone downhill ever since being injured most of last year and putting up an OPS+ of 90 so far this year. He is overrated garbage, like fellow New England favorites like Wes Welker, Danny Woodhead, and Jacoby Ellsbury.

Old Friends

None. Phew.

Other Superstar Players

Josh Beckett
Jon Lester
Jonathan Papelbon
Adrian Gonzalez
Kevin Youkilis
Carl Crawford
JD Drew
David Ortiz
John Lackey

Most Hated Red Sox Player
I’m going with that pile of dick snot Youkilis, though it could be many of them, to be honest. I really wanted to give it to that tub of shit Bobby Jenks, but all my hatred of him comes from when he was with the White Sox. Plus he’s hurt and terrible now, so I’ll go with Youk, mainly for charging Rick Porcello at the mound a while back when Kid Rick whooped his ass.

Fuck Kevin Youkilis in his big, ugly, bald head. In “Moneyball”, Billy Beane was known as referring to then-minor leaguer Youkilis as the “Greek God of Walks”. I would be willing to sell my soul if the Greek God would walk his ass in front of a train while holding hands with Boston hack writer, Dan Shaughnessey.

In 35 career games entering tonight against the Tigers, Youk has hit .342 with 10 homers and 31 RBI, giving further hatred for me toward the assbag. He’s 5-14 against Justin Verlander with 2 homers. No one else on the current team has faced him more than 6 times, so his damage was done mostly against guys that are no longer with us. For the record, Our Hero, Nate Robertson, was known to be butchered by Youkilis to a 7-18 mark with 2 homers, 3 doubles, and 3 walks. Poor Nate. And oddly enough, the only guy that really handled Youkilis well was mental midget, Jeremy Bonderman. Kev was only 1-15 against Bondo in his career.

And geez…I just went to Youkilis’ Wikipedia page, and I shit you not, the third paragraph of his page says this: “An intense performer on the playing field, Youkilis is known for his scrappiness, grittiness, dirt-stained jerseys, and home-plate collisions.” Sorry. To me, the fat fuck will always be known as the guy that skinny Rick Porcello owned at Fenway Park. Choke on a hobo’s balls, Youkilis. You bitch.
Hahahahahahahahaha…I love that pic. I need to add that to the sidebar.

RANDOM RED SOX FAN: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! FACK YOU! You fahkin’ Detroit facks know jack and shit about Red Sawx Nation! We aww tha numbah one fahkin’ fanbase on Gawd’s Green Arth! Detroit is nahthin’ but a bunch of dahkie faahgots that will NEVAH be as fackin’ awesome as PEDROIA FAHKIN’ NATION! My-ah Pawps said so and he ain’t no fahkin’ liah! You cahllin’ my Pawps a liah?

/flexes muscles under shirt two sizes two small

Random Red Sox Fan is a ripoff of Tommy, a character from the brilliant Kissing Suzy Kolber blog, who in turn is a parody of Bill Simmons from ESPN. Sadly, working in bars for as long as I have, this is how most Red Sox fans come off as. Loud, racist, know-it-all, mouth-breathing idiots.

And I feel bad knowing that I bought into it all in 2004. I was rooting for the Sox back then down the stretch. I hated the Yankees then (as I do now) and rooted along with Boston fans as they came back from being down 3-0 in the ALCS to beat NY and win the World Series over the Cardinals. I bought four books on the season, a DVD on the season, and felt overjoyed for the tortured Red Sox Nation. It was great baseball and a great story.

Then they took it too far. Their arrogance grew to levels that made Yankee fans wince. They got greedy, pompous, and the bandwagon assholes came out in droves. The Boston Red Sox fan is now the second most annoying fan in the world, second to the undisputed king of the inbred fuck fans, the Pittsburgh Steeler fan.

I hope they all die of AIDS at once.


Our boys only have to be in Fenway for two games. That’s three too many. I hate Boston and everything they stand for. Let’s hope for a sweep.