Funnies

Hi There,


A
unt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'. Later that night.... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the knee…


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Subject: WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

You'll love
this......

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.' Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?' When they read to us, they don't skip... and they don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us..

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.



A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.
''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!


It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.


Pass this on to other grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It will make their day.


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THE BEST POEM IN THE WORLD


I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Bob, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said,
'They’re all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

OOpppss ... JUDGE NOT!!

Remember... Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE!
OOOOppppsss !!!



Love and Peace, Kate xxx.