Keeping Score: Tigers vs. Yankees 4/3/11

Tigers (0-2) at Yankees (2-0)

We suck. It’s fitting that Charlie Sheen decided to bomb in Detroit last night wearing a Tigers jersey. This team has done as much winning lately as he has.

Welcome to Keeping Score, where I watch the game and type up whatever random thoughts are going through my head at the time. Today the Motor City Kitties try to get their first win of the season with Max Scherzer on the mound. The Yanks are countering with home grown talent, Phil Hughes. Past history shows us who’s been good and bad against Hughes.

Miguel Cabrera: 5/12, 1 HR
Victor Martinez: 6/13
Jhonny Peralta: 4/10
Will Rhymes: 2/3
Brennan Boesch: 2/3

Ramon Santiago: 0/4, 2 K
Alex Avila: 0/5, 3 K
Brandon Inge: 0/6, 2 K
Austin Jackson: 0/6, 3 K
Ryan Raburn: 0/3, 2 K
Don Kelly: 1/5, 1K

Magglio Ordonez is hurting already (facepalm) and stupid Kelly gets the start today in right. Why did they bring Casper Wells north with the team again?

We’re already striking out at a record rate. That looks to continue today with these past numbers. Crack open a beer or twelve and follow me after the jump as we get this game started. Let’s hope these guys actually show up today. That’d be sweet.


-Rod and Mario are in suits today. They look quite dapper, but it always disappoints me when they don’t match. Have some team spirit, gentlemen.

-Rod also has some stylish glasses on. Those Urkel ones he was sporting last year needed to go. At least someone on the team made a wise choice in the offseason.

-And where the hell is Ryan Field? It’s not truly baseball season if I can’t see his wonderfully spiked hair. Can we talk Phil Coke into trying that style for a while?

-Okay, let’s do this. Austin Jackson leads off. He leads the team in homers, you know.

-Count quickly reaches 0-2. Crap. Mario’s talking about the re-tooled Tiger offense. What? Other than V-Mart, it’s the same group of assholes. I don’t get why everyone keeps talking like we added four 30 HR guys.

-2-2 pitch hit to that turncoat Granderson for the first out.

-Ramon Santiago’s up next, two days too late. Yeah, I’m not letting it go.

-Second pitch he sees is popped up to Nick Swisher’s ugly mug in right. Two down.

-Brennan Boesch is batting third today since Maggs has an ankle owie. Has he learned to take a pitch yet?

-Boesch hits one past Cano for a single. Nicely done as he even saw six pitches. Rod calls it a “seed”. Sigh, here we go, kids. Rod’s already in mid-season form.

-Miguel Cabrera’s up now. This year, he appears to have bigger boobs than my ex-girlfriend. She was a filthy lush, too, so don’t feel bad, Mig.

-Hanging breaking ball….GONE! Miguel Cabrera is AWESOME! I’m so glad the cops didn’t shoot him.

Tigers: 2, Yankees: 0

-Victor Martinez is next. He’s off to a good start so far, thank Jeebus. We’ll see how he looks in the field for the first time today.

-V-Mart has a great eye up there. I hope these other pricks on the bench are paying attention.

-Grounder to A-Rod at third, and he’s out. Victor was hustling though and almost beat it.


-Random Commerical Note: Richard Bernstein is featured in a new commercial. That’s…nice.

-Rod’s scouting report on Scherzer says “Maximize Pitch Count”. Ha…wordplay. Rod, you cad.

-Brett Gardner leads off. He’s small, quick, and white. The Detroit media would LOVE him.

-Max gets him looking on three pitches. Beautiful.

-The Brett Favre of baseball, Derek Jeter, is next. I hear Joe Buck and Tim McCarver were going overboard yesterday with their usual verbal Jeter blowjobs. Glad I was working and missed most of it.

-Rod runs down Scherzer’s stats from last year. And no kidding, thirty seconds later, Mario runs down the exact same ones. I always assumed Mario just tuned Rod out most of the time, but this pretty much confirms it.

-Jeter grounds out to Brandon at third. Two down.

-Leyland thinks that Avila is “pressing”. I think that Avila is “awful”.

-Mark Teixeira is next. I hope Max hits him.

-Crap. Base hit to right. Leave it to the Tigers to have baseball’s worst April hitter light them up.

-Alex Rodriguez is up. And for those of you making fun of him, I’d like to see you turn down Cameron Diaz if she wanted to feed you popcorn. I’d love to be A-Rod’s penis for a day. Ha.

-Shit. Long drive…HOLY CRAP. Raburn managed to catch it! Way to go, Stonehands! Two nice plays so far this season. My buddy Bryan speculated that Raburn probably dropped his new daughter when the doctor handed her to him, but wow. He may have actually worked on his D. Bravo.

-Rod: “I see you, Raburn.” Get some new catchphrases, Rod. It can’t hurt.


-Speaking of future Gold Glove winner Ryan Raburn, Ryno’s up first in the 2nd. Third pitch he sees is grounded weakly to Jeter. One down.

-Don Kelly’s next. He’s seventh in the lineup today because Jim Leyland’s a cock.

-Rod refers to him as the 25th man. Then why isn’t Casper Wells starting today? Grrrr…

-Kelly works the count full before drawing the walk. Good job, Don. It’s not Kelly I hate so much, I guess. It’s how Leyland uses him and gushes over him.

-No, I hate him.  More than childhood cancer.

-Jhonny Peralta’s up now for Detroit. He flies out to Grandy. Two down.

-Brandon Inge is up, leading the team in hits. I thought I’d say it while I could.

-1-2 pitch is a curve a foot off the plate…and Brandon doesn’t swing? Holy thunder! This IS a re-vamped lineup!

-He flies out to Swisher. Inning over.


-Robinson Cano leads off for Team ESPN. I’d strangle a newborn to have him as our second baseman.

-Grounder to Cabrera, flips to Scherzer, one down.

-Oh crap, they’re still doing the stupid Player of the Game voting crap this year. Gotta get Brandon’s name on TV somehow, I guess.

-Noted child molester (not really?), Nick Swisher quickly singles to left. Raburn takes it on one hop to the balls. Haha…

-Jorge Posada’s the DH and he’s next. First pitch…gone. Meatball there by Scherzer.

Tigers: 2, Yankees: 2

-Six homers by the Yanks in this series already. And they’re probably not done.

-Curtis Granderson’s up. Bean him, Max. Yeah, I said it.

-He strikes out. Max is lucky. All of his pitches are up this inning after looking so great in the first.

-Russell Martin hits 9th for New York. Full count pitch is singled to left. Yes, the pitch was way up in the zone again.

-The SCRAPPY looking Gardner’s next. Don’t let him get on first. If he takes off stealing, by the time V-Mart’s throw gets to second, Gardner will be rounding third and halfway to home plate.

-Gardner grounds out to Santiago. Phew.


-AJax will start things in the third. He works the count full and draws a walk. He would have swung at ball four last year. Nicely done. I hope they let him steal.

-Little Ramon’s next and the Yanks have the infield looking for the bunt. I hope not. We can’t afford to waste outs against the Yankees.

-Sweet, Ramon’s not bunting. Rod mentions that Hughes will probably throw a curve in the dirt now with two strikes. I yell at my TV for Jackson to steal on a 1-2 count. Ball’s in the dirt and Jackson isn’t moving. I kick my cat. During baseball games, I call her “Leyland”. She’s used to it.

-Full count and Hughes is at 60 pitches. Santiago flies out to left. One down.

-Boesch is up now. Hughes is on the ropes, so of course Brennan swings at the first pitch. Moron. Luckily he fouls it off.

-Look at that! Jackson steals second. Amazing how that works.

-Base hit to center by Boesch! Jackson doesn’t hesitate at all and scores…great baserunning!

Tigers: 3, Yankees: 2

-Boesch is two for two. I hope he has things figured out now.

-Big Mig up with the man on first and one down. LONG DRIVE…GONE! Another homer for Tipsy McStagger! Woo hoo! MVP!

Tigers: 5, Yankees: 2

-Rod says “I see ya, Big Fella” and “piece of cheese” within thirty seconds of each other. Drink, people. Drink!

-Bartolo Colon is warming up for the Yanks. He looks like he’s 400 lbs. I thought he was dead.

-V-Mart pops out to Jeter.

-Two down for Raburn. Hughes strikes him out.


-Mario says the Tiger bats have been lively today. Calm down, Skippy. They have 4 hits…two bombs by Cabrera. Take it down a notch.

-Da Captain leads it off and taps out to Santiago. Good.

-Teixeira homers to right. Give me a fucking break. Quit throwing it in his wheelhouse.

Tigers: 5, Yankees: 3

-A-Rod is called out looking. He’s not happy about it, either.

-Deep to right…GONE. Cano hits a cheap homer into the second row in right. Rod notes that it wouldn’t have made it out of any park but Yankee Stadium. Max is shown mouthing the eff word in the replay. This bandbox of a stadium is a joke.

Tigers: 5, Yankees: 4

-Swisher with a base hit to right. I feel sick.

-Posada lifts a fly ball to left…RABURN DROPS IT! JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST.

-Mrs. Raburn, please keep your infant daughter away from this butcher. Good gawd.

-Second and third for Grandy. Full count…fly out to right. Phew.


-I Hate Don Kelly leads off for Detroit. He sees two pitches and pops out to Cano. Sigh.

-Peralta’s next. He checks his swing and manages a single to left. I’ll take it.

-Inge comes up now and hopefully he can run into one. Hughes is elevating a lot of stuff up in the zone.

-I forgot. Brandon sucks. He swings UNDER a high one and pops up to Cano. Two down.

-Jackson with two outs now. He works the count full. Seriously, he’s laying off pitches he would have swung and missed last year. I’m liking what I see today.

-He flies out to right. Inning over.


-Martin leads off with a double. I’m going to sue the Tigers for any liver damage I sustain this season.

-Brett Gardner comes up as Mario and Rod continue to gush about Martin. They seem amazed to see a starting catcher that isn’t horrible. I can’t blame them.

-Gardner looks angry in the box. Probably because he doesn’t have any dirt on his uniform yet.

-Strike three. Bring up His Holiness now.

-Jeter doesn’t like to talk about his personal achievements according to Mario. Mario must not have paying attention to Derek’s offseason contract dealings with the Yanks.

-Jeter walks on four pitches. Tex is coming up with two on. I need a shot.

-Phil Coke’s up in the pen. Looking for revenge, I hope.

-Teixeira with a fly ball to right that somehow stays in the park. Two down for A-Rod.

-Alex falls behind 0-2 and…phew. He flies out to the warning track in right. Scary.


-Why is there sumo wrestler on the field? My bad, Bartolo Colon is in to pitch for the Yankees.

-Santiago leads off against him and pokes a single to left.

-Hughes threw 90 pitches in 4 innings. Justin Verlander is silently nodding his head to that stat.

-Boesch CRANKS ONE…GONE! Play him every day in the first half, Jim! Then bench him for Raburn in the second.

Tigers: 7, Yankees: 4

-Can Cabrera do it again? Not with this horrible ump. Mig’s called out looking on a pitch that was outside and was being called a ball on Texeira. I hate MLB umpires as much as they seem to hate the Tigers.

-V-Mart’s next looking for his first hit today. Rod says Vic’s one of the toughest in baseball to strike out. He K’s on the next pitch. Shut up, Rod. You always curse the guys like that.

-Stonehands is up with two outs. He hits it in the hole, Jeter does that show-off jumping throw bullshit of his and Raburn is safe by a mile with an infield single.

-Great, Kelly’s up. Not for long. He strikes out looking. Cut him, dammit.


-Robbie Cano is first for the Bombers. Cano says A-Rod’s done wonders to show him how to stay in shape. Check his ass for needle marks, ump!

-Cano strikes out. Good.

-Max is at 78 pitches with Swisher coming up. 78 pitches is what Verlander likes to refer to as the “middle of the third inning”.

-Why is Benoit throwing already in the Tigers bullpen? Has Jimbo finally lost it?

-Mother of Satan…Swisher draws a full count walk on a pitch that was clearly strike three. CB Buckner (think that’s his name) is a pathetic ump. Always has been.

-Mario says Posada doesn’t hit well as a DH. Next pitch…GONE. Fuckfuckfuck! Second homer of the day for the old man. STFU, Mario!

Tigers: 7, Yankees: 6

-I hate baseball. And this ballpark is ridiculous.

-Granderson’s up, no doubt licking his chops since Max doesn’t have the balls to throw inside to anyone. Seriously, all the Yanks are crowding the plate and Scherzer is keeping everything on the middle to outer halves.

-Coke and the new Brayan Whatever kid are throwing in the pen now. Joy.

-Curtis strikes out again. Glad to see he’s still good for that. Two outs.

-Russell Martin pops out to Ramon.


-King Hippo’s still pitching as Peralta comes up. Jhonny singles to right for his second hit. Glad he’s batting behind Kelly. Sigh.

-Lloyd McClendon’s been working with Jhonny on his swing. Oh no.

-Inge comes up to probably hit into a double play. Haha…I kill me.

-He flies out to right. I’ll take that as a moral victory.

-Jackson’s up again. Again, he works the count full. I love it.

-Ball four. Sweet job, Austin. You complete me. Two on for Little Ramon.

-Down the line…FAIR! Peralta scores and AJax slides into third. Double for Santiago! Never play Rhymes again!

Tigers: 8, Yankees: 6

-Boesch with two in scoring position and he’s 3 for 3 so far. We need more runs, please.

-Line drive to left is caught. Jackson scores on the sac fly.

-Tigers: 9, Yankees: 6

-Mig steps in with two down and a runner on second. He grounds out to Jeter.


-Max is done and Cokehead’s in the game to face the top of the lineup. Good move since that will turn Tex around to bat from the right side. I’ve seen enough of him hitting left-handed for one series.

-Gardner’s first for NY and he quickly grounds out to Cabrera.

-God’s favorite son Jeter is up and, just as quickly, grounds out to second.

-Indians are beating the White Sox and just pulled off a triple play. Ha! I bet Ozzie Guillen shit himself.

-Teixeira flies to left and Raburn somehow doesn’t drop it. Easy inning for Phil Coke! Hooray!


-Random Commerical Note: FSD has these commercial bumpers with some hot brunette saying when the next game is or whatever. I don’t know what it is, but any girl immediately becomes ten times more attractive in a Tigers hat. Am I alone in feeling that way?

-Granted, if they have an Inge jersey on, they become a dumpster fire in my eyes.

-V-Mart leads off the seventh and Yokozuna’s still pitching for the Yanks. Martinez grounds out to Tex.

-Raburn’s up and I haven’t seen his tongue hanging out yet today. That’s odd.

-He strikes out looking. Dummy.

-Don Kelly is next. He flies out to center. Yup. Keep defending him, assholes.


-Coke’s still in the game and will face Alex Rodriguez to start things. He’s been quiet today. Not anymore, as Alex singles to center.

-Robinson Cano comes up and grounds into a force play at second. One down.

-That’ll bring up the human piece of filth known as Nick Swisher as Ryan Perry is up in the pen.

-Ball in the dirt, Cano takes off and Martinez…tries to throw it into center field, but Santiago saves it. Yup, that arm is scarily bad.

-Swisher launches one in the gap to right center. RBI double. I hate him.

Tigers: 9, Yankees: 7

-At least it wasn’t a homer.

-Speaking of homers, Posada’s up again representing the tying run. He flies out to Raburn. Two down.

-Coke grooves one to Grandy who launches it…AMAZING CATCH BY JACKSON! Holy shit, he's awesome.


-Peralta grounds to Jeter who throws it in the dirt…Tex can’t scoop it! Ha. Fuck em both.

-Inge tries to bunt and pops it foul. He can’t even do that right. Luckly, no one caught it.

-They gave Peralta a base hit. Good gawd. Can’t give Lord Jeter an error, can we? Gotta make sure he gets another Gold Glove for being DEREK F’N JETER. Sigh.

-Good for Jhonny, though.

-Why is Colon still in there? Did a plane fly into the Yankees bullpen?

-Sorry. Too soon. I’m an awful person. But you knew that already.

-Joaquin Benoit’s up in the Tigers pen.

-Inge grounds weakly to A-Rod who throws out JP at second. One down.

-AJax is up and hasn’t stuck out yet today. I think Arby’s should do a promotion where if Jackson doesn’t K in a game, if you bring in the box score, the manager hands you the keys to the building.

-Cleveland beat Chicago. Good news.

-Jackson strikes out looking. No Arby’s franchise today.

-Santiago is up and Mario notes how well he seems to play in Yankee stadium. Too bad no one told Leyland that a couple days ago.

/so angry

-Joba’s up in the Yanks pen. Great…another fat guy.

-Ramon flies out to Gardner. Bring on the bottom of the 8th.


-Benoit’s in the game for the Tigers. Let’s see what he can do with these guys.

-Martin answers me by singling to left. I have heartburn.

-Brett Gardner comes up and strikes out for the third time to go 0-5 on the day. He wasn’t much of a sparkplug today. One down.

-Darth Jeter is next and hits into a 4-6-3…shit. Peralta threw it in the dirt and Mig couldn’t scoop it. Horrible throw by Jhonny and they’re still alive for Teixeira. Crap.

-Liner to center…AJAX CAUGHT IT! A shoestring by Jackson ends the inning! Worship this man, people! Inning over.


-Joba Chamberlain is in for the Yankees. I still can’t look at him without thinking about all the bugs in Cleveland swarming him. That was great.

-Boesch is up hoping to continue his awesome day. And he does, single to right! Four hits for Dubba B!

-Miguel’s next and singles past a diving Jeter! Ha. Jeter’s terrible. First and second, no outs.

-Victor Martinez works the count full, swings at what would have been ball four, and hits into a double play. I
see he’s been taking hitting advice from Inge.

-Two outs for Raburn and a runner on third. Full count and Ryno hits it FAIR down the left field line! RBI double!

Tigers: 10, Yankees: 7

-Runner in scoring position for Kelly. Valverde might as well just start walking to the mound now.

-Kelly strikes out. No shit. Good lord he’s bad.


-Jose Valverde is on to hopefully dance his way to a Tiger victory and his first save of the season. He looks slimmer this season. Not slim…just slimmer.

-Rodriguez is first up and drills one at Santiago who makes a great play! One down. And yes, Rod referred to it as a seed.

-Now it’s Cano again. He taps it to Papa Grande who tags him out on his own. Two up, two down.

-It’s up to that asshat Nick Swisher for Da Yanks. Valverde walks him. It’s never easy.

-Jorge Posada comes up now. The Tigers let Swisher take second base as the crowd chants “Hip Hip, Jorge”. I hate New York.

-Buckner must be getting paid by the hour as he’s really screwing Valverde over on the strike zone. Do they do reviews on umpires? Why are the bad ones allowed to conintue?

-Posada pops up to Jackson…GAME OVER!  Dance, fatty...DANCE!

FINAL SCORE: Tigers: 10, Yankees: 7

I don’t know about you, but I feel a LOT better.

I’ll be back later with the preview of the Orioles series. Congrats, Tiger fans. We’re not going to go 0-162. That’s a relief.

Thanks for reading.