Know Thy Enemy: New York Yankees

I’m trying out a new gimmick this season called “Know Thy Enemy” where I’ll profile each team before we play them the first time. I mean we all know that Mig and JV are awesome, Don Kelly and Brad Thomas are terrible, and Jim Leyland is going to make ridiculous decisions that will make us want to choke a homeless person at one time or another. But it’s important to know what to expect from the other silly franchises that make up Major League Baseball.

Thursday is Opening Day and we’re playing the crown jewel of the league, the New York Fackin’ Yankees. Lucky us.


ESPN’s favorite team is first on the schedule for the Tigers this year. If you watch Opening Day on ESPN without the mute button enabled, be prepared for the worst. When the Tigers bat, the Worldwide Leader announcers will be talking about the Yankee pitchers. When the Tigers are in the field, they will jabber on endlessly about the Yankee hitters and how awesome they are. You will hear about the many championships they have bought won and the ESPN-created “Yankee mystique” that’s a lot of horse manure.

If they do mention the Tigers, they will have no clue what they are talking about. For example, in Tuesday’s televised Tigers/Yankees preseason game, they mispronounced both Joel Zumaya and Fu-Te Ni’s names. Seriously, how do you get “NA” out of Ni? Most likely, though, they’ll only mention Miguel Cabrera’s DUI arrest since it’s the only thing they’ll be interested in talking about concerning Detroit.

Right off the bat, we’ll all be missing Rod and Mario’s wacky adventures. Luckily, it’s only for one day and FSN will take over from there.

Face of the Franchise
Derek Jeter is still alive. No player in MLB history has benefitted from playing for a certain team the way Jeter has. Don’t get me wrong, he’s been a good player for a long time. And I’m willing to admit that he’s a worthy candidate for the Hall of Fame. But if he had been drafted by the Mariners, Royals, or another middle-to-small market team, he would be Michael Young…not the monster that is Derek Jeter Inc.

Currently, Jeter is chasing 3,000 hits and is the most overpaid player in the game by a wide margin.

Old Friends

Curtis Granderson has been a mild disappointment in New York since being traded there. He’s been hurt a lot and might not be ready to start the year with a strained right side muscle. He’ll play in a minor league game on Wednesday and they’ll take it from there. CJ is still a favorite of mine and yours, I’m sure, despite being with the Evil Empire. Actually, I’m pretty sure he’s the only current Yankee that I wouldn’t want to see beaten to death with a sledgehammer.

Freddy Garcia was a Tiger for ten minutes a couple years ago and is still trying to get his career going after injuries have stalled him in recent years. By default, he’ll be a starter on this staff that’s bare after CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett, and Phil Hughes.

Other Superstar Players

Alex Rodriguez
Mark Teixeira
Robinson Cano
Jorge Posada
CC Sabathia
Mariano Rivera

Yeah, there’s a lot of them. Trouble for them is, there’s not that many in the pitching department this year as compared to their more recent teams.

Most Hated Yankee
Nick Swisher is an assbag. I hate his stupid face and hate it even more when the talking heads babble on about the energy he brings to the team. In my head, he seems to always beat up on the Tigers, but his stats say he’s only a .217 hitter vs Detroit with 8 homers and 23 RBI in 53 games. He has 3 career homers against Justin Verlander in 41 at bats. And hold your breath if new Tiger setup man Joaquin Benoit faces him. Swisher’s taken him deep 3 times in only 11 at bats.


Awful. Yankee fans should all burned alive. These entitled pricks are spoiled and arrogant to no end. Half of them probably can’t tell you who Don Mattingly is, but they still think they’re great fans. They’re rude, overbearing assholes that are the devil’s afterbirth. Overall, they can pretty much be broken down into these easy-to-identify annoying groups.

-Greaseball Italian stereotypes
-Bandwagon fans that don’t really watch baseball (also root for Lakers & Cowboys)
-NBA players that likes to piss off their home team’s fans
-No longer relevant actors/actresses
-ESPN employees
-People with obnoxious mustaches

I’m sure they have decent fans out there somewhere, but I’ve yet to meet one.

Thursday is almost here. Game on.  I'm sure that when the series is over, it'll resemble this photoshop I found at