In Hindsight, Jon Paul Morosi is an Idiot

I’ve been busy lately. Thus, the lack of activity here. I’ll do what I can in the coming weeks, but within a month I’ll be moving back to Toledo. Once I get through all that, I’ll do what I can to get into a more regular posting pattern again. Cool? Cool.

Today’s article to make fun of was written almost two weeks ago. But waiting to attack it actually has helped to show how silly it was.

Jon Paul Morosi at Fox Sports is a dickbag. Here’s the original piece, entitled "Cabrera Headed for his Worst Season?". It’s obviously more foolish Cabrera-bashing, the topic that never ends. But Morisi decided to attack Big Mig’s early spring performance at the plate, too. This is ridiculous. We’ll get into all of that now since hindsight has proven that this article was a waste of time.

Miguel Cabrera is facing charges of impaired driving and resisting arrest in Fort Pierce, Fla. He is undergoing treatment for what team and league officials (though not Cabrera himself) have described as an alcohol addiction.

You knew that much already. But new information emerged Wednesday evening. published documents detailing Cabrera’s Feb. 16 arrest. According to one, Cabrera created a disturbance at a steakhouse, at one point saying, “I will kill all of you and blow this place up.” Another said he brandished his middle finger at a police officer and wandered in the middle of a Florida highway, shouting, “(Expletive) shoot me! Kill me!”

This just in: People that are drunk say stupid things.

I know that this is shocking and news-worthy to people. It’s a good thing we have TheSmokingGun and people like Morosi to point this out to us.

On St Patty’s Day, I drank 10-12 beers, around a half bottle of rum, and three shots of tequila at various bars throughout the evening. I am a moron and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I’m sure that I made dozens of stupid comments throughout the night. In fact, I texted three different people that I wanted to die around 1:30 am. I’m also fairly certain that I threatened a friend of mine’s life because I thought it was funny at the time. Did I mean any of it? Of course not. I’m just an idiot that drank too much. So is Cabrera, I think.

And no, I didn’t drive.

Even if the incident itself is three weeks old, the report was chilling. Cabrera is the face of the Detroit Tigers,

Somewhere in Lakeland, Brandon Inge weeps at this statement.

And even if this article itself is two weeks old, it’s still garbage.

a superstar who finished second in balloting for the American League MVP award.

Obviously, he was drunk. He doesn’t behave that way at the ballpark.

Now THAT would be worth the price of admission. Cabrera stumbling up to home plate and glaring at AJ Pierzynaki. “What’re yeww lookin’ at? Yerr not better’n me. Hic! (puke)”

I’d also like to see Jim Leyland give a drunken press conference. In fact, I would be willing to burn down a middle school to see that.

He was quite cordial, in fact, when I interviewed him Wednesday. We conversed briefly in Spanish at the end. He complimented my efforts to learn the language. He told me that when we speak at this time next year, I won’t need to fall back on my English. He smiled.

I am Jon Paul Morosi. I am very important. Miguel Cabrera was nice to me. You think he is nice to everyone before they write an article bashing him? Ha. I laugh at the thought of that. Eso es divertido para mí. See what I did there?

/smells own farts

And then this.

Which actually happened weeks before I interviewed him. So no, it wasn’t “then this”. Jackoff.

Whether or not Cabrera reads news reports about himself, these revelations won’t help him get ready for the season — and could hurt his defense in court, thus prolonging off-the-field distractions.

How does it hurt him getting ready? He f’d up and is going on with is life. Die in a church fire.

By the way, since we’re talking about that night, did anyone else watch the video of his arrest and hear the cop bragging about the other famous people he had arrested? Then, he ignored Cabrera's attempts to communicate with him the entire ride to the police station? What an ass. Most cops are awful nowadays.

Cabrera declined to address non-baseball subjects during our interview, several hours before the Detroit News and Free Press published the new information from police reports. When asked about Raul Gonzalez, the companion mandated by his treatment program, Cabrera said, “Next question.”

To follow-ups on off-the-field subjects, he repeated the response. Next question. He wanted to talk only about baseball.

So he’s focused on nothing but baseball. And the point of this article of yours is that he is going to have a bad year. Que?

The news isn’t terribly encouraging there, either. In his first 23 at-bats this spring, the big guy is batting .174.

23 at bats, people. Morosi is judging the big guy’s upcoming chances this season on one bad night in the winter and after 23 at bats in f-cking March. Mig had 4 hits in 23 at bats. What if he had one more hit? It jumps to .217. Two more hits? .261. Three? .304.

It’s called small sample size, you twit. And for the record, entering today, Miguel is up to 47 at bats and is hitting .319 and leading the team with 3 homers, 6 doubles, 12 RBI, and a .636 slugging percentage. Pretty sure he’s fine, you douche.

“He’s not ready,” manager Jim Leyland acknowledged Wednesday. “He’s still in the process of getting himself in baseball shape.”

Yup. Didn’t take him long to get there, though, did it?

And when will that process be complete?

“Probably real late in spring,” Leyland said. “He’ll be ready on cue.”

Within 25 more at bats would have been the correct answer. Either way, Jim Leyland has been the only guy (other than myself, ha) that has been right and defended Miguel from the beginning. Bravo, Jim.

/breaks out in cold sweat

Maybe so. But at the moment, I’m not convinced that the Tigers can count on the same .328 batting average, 38 home runs and 126 RBI that Cabrera produced last year.

Dipsh-t. Is every national columnist and/or baseball expert REQUIRED to have the common sense of a dead hamster, or is it just a coincidence that they’re all incredibly stupid?

This is Cabrera’s fourth season as a Tiger, and we can safely say that he is in the midst of his worst spring training with the team — statistically, personally, legally, totally. And that’s relevant for a slugger whose production has followed a curious pattern since he arrived in Detroit.

He’s having a great spring now. It was his winter that sucked. And even that was only one bad day.

He had his best spring in 2010. He had his best regular season in 2010.

He had his second-best spring in 2009. He had his second-best regular season in 2009.

He had his worst spring in 2008. He had his worst season in 2008.

In 2008, Cabrera lead the AL in home runs and total bases. I’m pretty sure that Tiger fans were happy with that.

Now, his average may have been down (.292) in ‘08, but it was his first season seeing AL pitching. I think he has adjusted pretty well since then.

Quit talking about his performance that year like he had Don Kelly’s numbers or something.

“Worst,” of course, is a relative term. Cabrera had a so-so .816 OPS in the spring of ’08 and started the regular season slowly. He had ordinary numbers at the end of June — a .281 average, 11 home runs — before finishing with a flourish. He ended up leading the American League with 37 homers, but the Tigers finished in last place.


How is that relevant? Did Miguel Cabrera pitch for the ’08 Tigers? No. Cabrera did his job. Why in the blue hell do sportswriters bring up the team’s record when discussing a baseball player’s worth? Luis Sojo has been on multiple World Championship teams despite being terrible. Is he better than Cabrera? F-ck and no.

For Cabrera, the season began with a $141 million contract extension and ended in disappointment.

Cabrera did not disappoint. The team did. Stevie Wonder can see this. Why can’t you?  And what does Cabrera's salary have to do with Edgar Renteria playing like crap, Jacque Jones being an abortion, Joel Zumaya, Carlos Guillen, and Gary Sheffield getting hurt, Kenny Rogers being worthless, Nate Robertson and Jeremy Bonderman being themselves, and Justin Verlander pitching like Jason Grilli all year?

It doesn't.  Miguel Cabrera did his job in 2008.  Quit trying to increase the backlash against this incredibly talented baseball player.

Cabrera faced considerable scrutiny that season because of his blockbuster trade,

Again, in hindsight, we gave up jack and sh-t to get Cabrera. Does that still make it a blockbuster? I'm not trying to be a jerk here.  I'm actually curious about that.

staggering contract and World Series expectations. But the difference between that year and this year is something like the competitive chasm between the Big East and Big Sky.

What does this mean? I don’t listen to hip hop. Sorry.

“What pressure you talking about?” Cabrera replied when I asked if he feels the need for a strong showing this spring. “I don’t know what pressure you’re talking about. You have to be ready to play. That’s it.”

God bless Miguel Cabrera. I wish he would have urinated on Morosi afterward.

I asked how high his expectations are for himself.

“What are your expectations about us?” he answered.

I think the Tigers will be pretty good, I told him.

“Me too,” he said.

Sportswriters never stop having orgasms talking about what great “team players” that Derek Jeter, Tom Brady, and others are. They never stop complaining about the “me-first players” like Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, and LeBron James. Why must you continue to crap on Mig for being so team-oriented?

Cuz he wants a story? Go to hell.

It’s nice that Cabrera is thinking about his team, but the burden on his broad shoulders is greater than ever before. The reports on Wednesday night — the three-week anniversary of the traffic stop heard ’round baseball — reinforced that to anyone who might have forgotten.

How can anyone forget when members of the media continue to make their ignorant assumptions and conclusions on a man they don’t know?  Again, it's been almost two weeks since this story ran.  Has anyone had the nuts on a major site to talk about what a good spring Miguel has ended up having?

No.  That would be boring.  And it would prove all their idiotic assumptions wrong. Asshats.

And since Cabrera won’t address matters that reach beyond the foul lines, we’re left to speculate whether there could be a link between the alcohol issues and his play thus far.

Again, two weeks later, and he’s beating the sh-t out of the ball. If it’s because of the booze, I say let’s get Inge and Peralta doing some keg stands, too! Booze equals high OPS? Who knew? Other than Josh Hamilton…

A number of people with the organization, from club president Dave Dombrowski to multiple players, told me that Cabrera has hit several line drives this spring that gusting winds have turned into outs.

This is awesome. Morosi has just admitted that his conclusions about Cabrera have come without even watching him play. Fall into a tar pit, dickface.

At the same time, here’s what I saw in Wednesday’s 5-3 loss to Philadelphia: Twice he struck out on pitches outside the strike zone, recalling a habit he fell into in pressure situations three years ago.

Wow. 20 at bats into spring and he wasn’t in mid-season form. Release him!

Twice he couldn’t come up with ground balls that a more nimble first baseman might have turned into outs.

Better yet, trade him for Doug Mienkiewicz! THAT GUY can catch a ground ball with the best of ‘em!

Cabrera looks heavier than he was at any time last year. He is not moving particularly well in the field. He looked a little anxious at the plate Wednesday.

Lesson?  Appearance is everything. Speaking of which, Morosi looks like a date rapist.
Should I just assume that he is? Okay…I will. I mean, look at those sideburns.

“I feel good, you know?” he told me. “I’ve got my approach. That’s why we’re playing in spring training. I’ve got to make adjustments.”

Yes. He does.

And he did. Suck on it, fella.