What Really Happened To Miguel Cabrera

I wasn’t going to do this…but eff it.

So, DNR has received a top secret report from my imagination a reliable source on what really happened last week to Tiger slugger, Miguel Cabrera, in his alleged DUI arrest. I feel it is my duty to share that with you at this time.
(Driving on a highway in Fort Pierce, FL)
MIGUEL CABRERA: What a day. Spent the morning at the dentist. Man, my mouth still hurts and my speech is slurred. Then I anonymously donated a million bucks to those autistic children. Hope they can put it to good use. Saved that kitty-cat from a tree. That little girl was so happy! And I can’t believe I picked up that hitchhiker. Its unbelievable how much he reeked of booze...and then he spilled beer on me! At least he’s safe in the hotel I graciously paid for. Now I’ve just gotta stay awake, make it to Lakeland, and get ready to help win us a World Series. No Josh Hamilton’s going to be better than me this year!

/changes radio station

CABRERA: Hooray! I love Lady Gaga! I want your love and all your love is revenge, you and me could write a bad romance! Ohhhhh ohh ohhhhhh oh oh oh oh, caught in a bad romance…

/loud explosion under hood

CABRERA: Oh no. This can’t be happening.

/pulls over as engine smokes.

CABRERA: Man…how can this get any worse?

 /cop car pulls up

CABRERA: Oh, good. The police. I’m sure they can help me. After all, I’m a nice man just trying to get to work. Hello, officer!

/gets out, puts hands up and waves

CABRERA: Hope he sees me! I need help!

/runs in street with hands up

CABRERA: Whoa! Calm down, officer. My car…

COP: I said freeze, ese! You understand English, you Cuban prick?

CABRERA: What? I’m not Cuban. Don’t you know who I am? I’m…

COP: I don’t care of you’re Justin Bieber himself, boy. Shut up and keep your hands high!

CABRERA: But I didn’t do anything…

COP: Quiet! You’re slurring your speech, Pedro. And I can smell the booze from here!

CABRERA: You don’t understand! My mouth, the hitchhiker, ugh. You don’t know anything about my problems! I just need help…

COP: Stay there until my backup gets here, Julio. I know you’ve gotta have weapons on you. All you people do!

CABRERA: My people? What? Don’t you know who I am? I used to play ball in Florida. I’m Miguel Cabrera and I’m on my way…

COP: Quiet, Chico! You’re not fat enough to be Miguel Cabrera, you lying prick! You could’ve at least said Asdrubel…or Melky.

CABRERA: Man, my throat is parched. I need a drink. Maybe he’ll understand me better. Where’s that root beer I packed?

/takes drink

CABRERA: What the? Oh no…

/tears fake label off bottle

CABRERA: No! Who would’ve replaced my root beer with scotch? I gave up alcohol! Great…

/another cop car pulls up

COP: Bout time you got here! He, uhh, pulled a gun and is swigging booze over there!

COP #2: Quiet, illegal! Got some ID?

/takes passport

COP #2: Jose Cabrera, huh?

COP: I knew it! He said he was MIGUEL Cabrera!

CABRERA: I am! I go by Miguel…it’s my middle name. Look at me! Don’t you know who I am?

COP #2: Yeah. You’re a dangerous criminal and a drunk, from the looks of it. We got a call from a concerned citizen that said a man fitting your description was driving a car matching THIS description and that he was reckless and drunk out of his mind! He also said you were probably here illegally.

CABRERA: That’s crazy! Who would say that?

COP #2: Pretty sure his name was Don. Don Kelly.

/cut to Lakeland
DON KELLY: Hahahahahahahaha…first base is mine. The circle is now complete.

/back to Fort Pierce

CABRERA: I am going to f-cking kill him.

COP: Sounds like a threat. Let’s go, Jose. You’re going back WHEREVER you came from!

CABRERA: Please! I didn’t do anything wrong!

/cops begin beating him in leg with billy clubs

CABRERA: Owww! Okay, okay! I can’t believe this is happening.

COP: Should I sprinkle some crack on him?

COP #2: What?  Don't be stupid. Does he look black to you? We only sprinkle the black suspects!

COP:  Sorry...

/two hours later at police station

COP: Time for your mugshot. Hey…I just got a text that we’re going to let you go free! No charges!
CABRERA: Really?

/takes picture

COP: Nope. Dumbass. Hahahahaha…now you really look bad. Make your phone call while we have some fun with this police report.

/phone rings at swank Lakeland hotel


OPERATOR: Collect call from prisoner #53339201, Miguel Cabrera.