My 2011 Dream Season
March 31-Tigers crush the Yankees 22-0 on Opening Day in New York on ESPN. The Worldwide Leader is left in a such a state of shock and despair, the first ten minutes of Sportscenter is nothing but an uncomfortable silence between whichever two idiotic talking heads are hosting that evening.
April 1-Defensive replacement Don Kelly is struck by lightning in the 8th inning of the Tigers/Yankees game. Kelly misses the entirety of the season and is replaced on the roster by outfielder Timo Perez.
April 3-Rick Porcello hits Derek Jeter in the face with a pitch. Jeter loses an eye and is quickly replaced by Curtis Granderson as the face of the Yankees organization. No one wants a pirate as the face of the franchise. Jeter quietly retires, boards an ocean liner with Brett Favre, and neither is ever heard from again.
April 7-Tigers drop a heartbreaker to Baltimore, 2-1. However, Luke Scott goes 0-12 in the three game series proving that this could, in fact, be a miracle season in the making.
April 8-Opening Day in Detroit. Out of nowhere, it is 75 degrees and sunny. Max Scherzer throws a perfect game against Kansas City with Jim Joyce as the home plate umpire. They immediately begin writing a book about the game.
April 14-I find someone dumb enough to pay me to write this crap and can quit my job and live above the poverty level for once in my rotten life.
April 15-Joe Mauer diagnosed with sideburn cancer and forced to retire.
April 22-Brad Penny beats the White Sox to go 4-0 with a 0.00 ERA to start the season. AJ Pierzynski strikes out in all four of his plate appearances. He is then released by Chicago after the game and gets hit by a train shortly afterwards.
April 27-In a battle of the lefties, Phil Coke out-duels Nate Robertson as the Tigers top Seattle 42-1 at Comerica Park. Nate’s line: 0.2 IP, 38 ER, 32 H, 7 BB, 0 K. When asked after the game why Robertson was left in the game so long, Mariners manager Daren Brown shrugs and then laughs for ten minutes.
Jump breaks...even in my dreams...
May 6-Tigers beat Blue Jays 34-0 in honor of my 34th birthday. Holy sh-t, that’s depressing…
May 14-Tigers beat the Royals 6-2 to bring their season record to 36-4, topping the famous 35-5 start in 1984. In Arizona, Kirk Gibson’s Diamondbacks sit at 35-5. Gibby is not amused and threatens to cut some players if they continue to “play like pussies”. He then praises pitcher Armando Galarraga and the two no-hitters he has thrown thus far this season.
May 24-Jose Valverde is announced as winner of ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars” despite not being one of the contestants on the show.
May 30, May 31, June 1-Tigers become the first team in MLB history to sweep a series with three straight no-hitters, all against the Twins. Jason Kubel retires after the third game saying he is too fat and stupid to play anymore.
June 12-In his first MLB game since being recalled by Seattle after the 4/27 game, Nate Robertson is again shelled by the Tigers for another, oh I dunno, 30 earned runs in a third of an inning. Robertson is DFA’d after the game and picked up by the White Sox a week later. They release him a month later when his ERA climbs over 45.00 and he’s soon picked up by Pittsburgh…where he becomes their ace.
June 21-Jason Grilli found in a filthy Vegas hotel room with Justin Bieber. Ha…
June 26-Tigers vs. Diamondbacks. Justin Verlander and Armando Galarraga each throw 10 innings of shutout ball. Tigers win in the 11th, 1-0, on a walkoff homer by Timo Perez. Daniel Schlereth earns the win with his scoreless 11th inning of work.
July 3-Tigers beat the Giants 8-2. Aubrey Huff publicly apologizes during the game over the stadium PA for being so f-cking terrible in Detroit in 2009.
July 12-American League wins the All Star Game 7-1. Starter Justin Verlander gets the win. Miguel Cabrera is the game’s MVP after his three home runs. Max Scherzer, Jose Valverde, Austin Jackson, Victor Martinez, and Magglio Ordonez also see action in the game. Brandon Inge watches it from home.
July 15-Tigers return from All Star Break to find Will Rhymes has undergone a growth spurt of six inches over the days off. He’s now a normal-sized human being and people finally realize that no matter how hard-nosed or scrappy he is, or however much f-cking dirt he has on his jersey, he is just basically Ramon Santiago with bad hair and a worse glove.
July 21-Carlos Guillen suffers his only injury of the season: a bruised fingernail. He still somehow misses two weeks.
July 27-Tigers deal Andy Oliver, Rhymes, Brennan Boesch, and two other prospects to Seattle for Felix Hernandez. I have a 45 minute orgasm. Twice.
August 4-Jarrod Washburn officially announces retirement. No one cares. He is then killed by, let’s say…bees. Yeah. Bees. Big ones.
August 7-Josh Anderson’s batting average climbs over .400 for whatever NL team he’s with. Sorry, sometimes dreams can be hazy.
August 10-Gary Sheffield dies in a bizarre boating accident along with every possible heir to his money. All the deferred cash the Tigers owe him goes back to the team. Beers at the CoPa immediately drop $2 apiece in price.
August 14-Gay marriage is legalized in Michigan. Lynn Henning immediately proposes to Joel Zumaya in a column. Zoom turns him down and Henning retires, heartbroken.
September 9-Late season call-up Jacob Turner makes his MLB debut against Minnesota. He, duh, throws a no-hitter.
September 15-Alex Avila’s batting average hits .300, making every Tiger starter have an average at least that high. Well, except Brandon Inge who is hitting .228, but playing Gold Glove defense.
September 19-Brad Penny wins his 20th game, becoming the 4th Tiger starter to do so in 2011. Poor Rick Porcello and his subpar 17 wins…
September 25-Miguel Cabrera slugs his record-setting 74th and 75th homers against Baltimore. ESPN still tries to sell giving the MVP to Jeter despite his April retirement.
September 28-Tigers defeat Indians 10-1 to finish the regular season 140-22. Not bad, I guess.
September 30-Yankees and Red Sox finish tied for last place in the AL East. ESPN shuts down in disgust. Chris Berman hangs himself in a seedy strip club bathroom somewhere. AL Playoffs see Tigers vs. Rays in the first round and Rangers vs. White Sox.
October 9-Tigers complete first round sweep of Rays. Only Johnny Damon produces for Tampa. He then quietly announces his retirement to take care of his wife…who has AIDS.
October 18-Tigers sweep White Sox to go to World Series. Ozzie Guillen resigns after game and is committed to a mental hospital. Finally.
October 30-Tigers beat Arizona in six games (so they can win it at home) to win first World Series since 1984. They win on a walk-off homer by Timo Perez, of course. I’m there in attendance and weep like the bitch I am. Good times.
December 1-We all reflect on the World Championship, Cabrera’s MVP award, Verlander’s Cy Young, and Austin Jackson’s batting title (.383). Nice season.
I’m sure it’ll all end up something like that. I’ll take anything at this point. So…bored.