The Final Cabrera-gate Article: Jeff Passan is Awful

Yahoo’s Jeff Passan should be taken outside and shot in the testicles.

I know that I said I was done with Cabrera-gate. Twice now, I think. But I received multiple emails asking me to take Passan to task for his article after Mig’s press conference. I replied to a couple saying I had nothing more to say. I don’t want to keep repeating myself. But then I read it again. And it just pissed me off to no end. You wanted it, kids? You got it.

I’m not the only one, either. Fire Gerald Laird took this same article to task FJM style, too. But FGL’s piece, while a great job, wasn’t hateful enough for my taste.

Bring it, Passan. You f-ck.

Miguel Cabrera drank himself into a violent, abusive state in October 2009,

He was the one that got abused.

and the Detroit Tigers responded by playing him hours after they picked him up from jail.

Jeff, in the real world, if there is a situation where you are taken into custody, as long as you aren’t in jail or a danger to others, you are allowed to return to work. Your personal life and your professional life are two different matters. That’s why your personal life is called “personal”. Especially if there are no conduct rules in place as there currently aren’t in major league baseball. Just like there aren’t if you work at Burger King, Honda, or a casino, for example. Why the double standard with athletes? Jealousy?

Cabrera drank himself so silly a week ago he didn’t bother to stop swigging from a bottle of scotch in front of the police, and the Tigers are responding by welcoming him to spring training like nothing happened.

-Press conferences on subject.
-Many teammates offering concern and support.
-Constant barrage of ignorant reporters asking the same questions.
-Cabrera’s press conference.

“Like nothing happened” is just a ridiculous statement on so many levels.

At this rate, the next time Cabrera takes a drink the Tigers will give him a raise.

Sigh. You act like Dave Dombrowski has been laughing about this. You are a hack of the lowest order.

Seriously, what does Cabrera have to do for the Tigers to punish him?

Write an ignorant article for Yahoo that ignores facts?

Run a dog-fighting ring?

Sick, but has nothing to do with baseball. There are courts for this.

Kill someone?

Courts. The Tigers are not the police or judicial system.

And really?  You went there?  Murder?  Sigh...

Insult Little Caesars?

Everyone insults Little Caesars. It’s horrible. Oh, sorry, that’s another attempt at humor on your part. My bad. You’re the Dane Cook of Yahoo.

Cabrera’s apology, delivered Thursday almost entirely in Spanish

What does this have to do with anything? The guy is from Venezuela. Why wouldn’t he speak in the language he’s comfortable with? God forbid he slips up trying to express himself in English. You assholes would tear him apart. Like you hyenas are doing anyway…

and translated by assistant general manager Al Avila, was a joke.

No. It was a heart-felt apology by a man that realizes he has let down his family, his team, and his fans. Who the f-ck are you to say it was a joke?

And FYI, this is a joke:  What is brown and rhymes with snoop?

Give up?

Dr. Dre. Hahaha…that’s a joke.

He still refuses to admit that he is an alcoholic.

This again. For the FINAL TIME. Everyone that has an incident or two with alcohol is NOT an alcoholic. There are councilors and doctors that will make that decision. Not you. Not me. Not Miguel Cabrera. Quit talking about subjects that you obviously have no idea what you’re speaking about.

He hid behind medical privilege rather than answer legitimate questions, such as why doctors recommended he rejoin the booze-soaked baseball life today rather than check in to a rehabilitation center.

“Miguel, why did the doctors recommend something that isn’t what my uninformed opinion of the situation is?” What? Are you on crack?

And “booze-soaked baseball life”? Are the major leagues like bar softball leagues now? Chug a pitcher of Natty Light before advancing to the next base? Methinks you’re just a c-cksucker with an ax to grind. Grind it into your own forehead, you gash.

And he skated once again, the Pussy Cats

I see what you did there! You’re clever. Clever like a dead squirrel.

happy to enable the player to whom they’ll pay more than $100 million over the next five years because it’s so much easier than holding him accountable.

What is “accountable”? He’s being evaluated by professionals. He will enter treatment. He may have assistance on the road. He will be under the microscope all season. He’s going to be heckled by ignorant drunks in the stands. And he will do his job: play baseball. People that have outpatient treatment in the “real world” are allowed to work. Why do you not want Miguel Cabrera to be able to do his job? Are you a White Sox fan?

Cabrera will slip into his Tigers uniform Friday morning and practice with his teammates in Lakeland, Fla., eight days after police detained him on DUI and resisting-arrest charges.

I was back to work in two days after mine. I had to get a ride there, but I went. Should everyone that gets a DUI be fired from their jobs? I hope you get AIDS.

I should take this time, if anyone reading is not familiar with my work and has not read my previous bits on this situation, to go over a couple things again. Driving drunk is stupid and dangerous. It is not something to be blown off and that is not my intention here. I blew a .085 at the road a year ago and have paid massively for it the past 12 months. Luckily in Miguel’s and my situation, no one was hurt. But people make mistakes and should not be treated like they raped a troop of girl scouts when they just made poor choice.

Where was I? Yes, AIDS. I hope you get AIDS, Jeff.

This is special treatment even by superstar standards.

JJ Redek from the NBA, Vincent Jackson of the NFL, MLB manager Tony LaRussa, and countless others in sports have gotten DUIs in the past few years. Charles Barkley and others have had two or more. Some faced suspensions. Some did jail time. Some got nothing. Why all this hate toward Cabrera? Why is he special to you? Do you despise Hispanics? Are you a Twins fan?

To invite Cabrera back into their clubhouse so soon – and so consequence-free –

Eat a bag of dicks.

after such a spectacular arrest screams: Come ye, alcoholic baseball players, for we at the Detroit Tigers welcome your kind!

I’m trying to think of something I’ve read in my lifetime more ridiculous than your statement here.


I’m coming up blank. Are you an Indians fan?

Even if the doctors chosen by Major League Baseball and the players’ union recommended that Cabrera follow a program rather than commit to inpatient treatment, it doesn’t lessen the severity of what he has done – and what he faces. This is now two extreme incidents of alcohol abuse that ended in embarrassment. Certainly they’re not the only two times Cabrera drank himself into oblivion.

Probably not. But not your business. I find it hard to believe that Jeff Passan, saint of all saints, has never been drunk in his life.

Jeff, this is sports. When you watch sports, what do you see? Dozens of beer commercials. Look in the stands. What do you see being sold by the f-cking truckload? Beer.

If anyone reading this has never been drunk…wow. Nice to meet you, Sister Mary Joseph. Now, I’m willing to admit that many of you may have never driven drunk. And for that, I applaud you. But I’d bet my left nut that more of you HAVE driven drunk at least once in your life. It’s not right, but it happens. If you get caught, you face the consequences.

Thank Allah that all of us didn’t have to face Jeff Passan, that paragon of virtue.

The Pussy Cats

So nice, you did it twice! Ha…I hope your balls fall off.

are, essentially, doubling down on an alcoholic whose sobriety lasted barely a year.

October 3, 2009-February 16, 2011 is one year, four months, and thirteen days. Your math is worse than your writing.

And again with the ignorant “alcoholic” crap again. What do you want them to do? Wash their hands of their $100 million investment and the best hitter in maybe all of baseball? They’re trying to get him help, you dick.

What more the Tigers could reasonably do in this situation, I cannot figure out. Are you a Royals fan?

There is supportive, and there is coddling, and for somebody who said he has worked with dozens of players with substance-abuse issues, general manager Dave Dombrowski should know better than to skew toward the latter.

Okay, you condescending, all-knowing, pile of ass juice. You have all the answers. What would you have liked DD to do? Put a bullet in Mig’s head? Perhaps attempt to deport his family?

Forget a reprimand. The Pussy Cats couldn’t even slap him on the wrist.

Jeff Passan is the pussy, hiding behind his keyboard and talking out of his ass. Oh, and I just looked him up on Wikipedia. He’s from a suburb of Cleveland. He worked for the Kansas City Star. He has an agenda.

That or he is just a gigantic piece of horse sh-t trying to get attention. If so, well done.

And if any of you know how to edit Wikipedia bios, I’m not saying it would be right or you should do it, but if Passan’s bio was changed to say that he enjoys blowing circus monkeys…

“He acknowledges he has a problem,” Dombrowski said.

He does, huh?

Yeah, huh.

Asked directly if he was an alcoholic, here was Cabrera’s response: “The doctors … are the ones that would know best how to answer that.”

Indeed. Finally, a voice of reason. And it comes from the guy closest to the matter…imagine that.

It’s no surprise Cabrera is in denial. It’s not like the Pussy Cats have given him any reason to believe he has a problem.

Wow…we’ve hit a new low in stupidity. Here’s my new updated Top Five list of people I would like to see run through a wood chipper:

5. Glenn Beck
4. Osama bin Laden
3. Don Kelly.
2. Anyone that harms my mother or son.
1. Jeff Passan

Congrats, Jeff!

Dombrowski said the team will help Cabrera find someone to shadow him at all times and help prevent relapses. A full-time sponsor is a nice idea. It can help.

I’m surprised you didn’t call Dave a prick for this. Or suggest that he’d get Charlie Sheen or Norm from “Cheers” to be this shadow. You’re slipping, Passan.

By no means, though, does it stop an addict from going back to his old ways. Johnny Narron was supposed to be with Josh Hamilton for 24 hours a day. Hamilton ended up in a Phoenix-area bar getting whipped cream licked off him by random women.

Lucky bastard.

Slip-ups happen.

They do? Then what are you crying about?

Why is Hamilton’s relapse a “slip-up” and Cabrera’s is an unforgivable act? Were the Rangers wrong to support Hamilton and see him go on to an MVP season? I don’t think so.

They happen far less when a person understands his disease and how it affects those around him.

Oh. And Miguel doesn’t. Because he didn’t take the cliché celebrity way out by blaming his actions on a “disease” that he may not have? Go fist yourself, Jeffy.

Cabrera’s apology tour began during a press conference – he even said he was sorry for acting like a drunken lout to the policeman who needed to give him four Charley horses before arresting him –

Charley horses…from getting whacked with a nightstick four times. That’s like saying that abortions tickle.

and will continue tomorrow when, he said, he’ll roam around the clubhouse with contrition on his tongue. Then he’ll step into the batting cage, smack balls over a fence and all will be forgiven.

Who says he needs forgiveness from anyone? The man screwed up. And he’ll pay the price. The millions of Tiger fans across the country are not perfect. No one is perfect other than, perhaps, Colin Cowherd. Just ask him.

His manager, Jim Leyland, was right: This won’t cause distractions. The furor over Cabrera will pass much quicker than if he were in rehab. He’ll hide behind medical privilege as an excuse not to talk about it – you don’t see Hamilton and other addicts who are honest with themselves taking that tack – and hit his 30 home runs and drive in his 100 runs and earn his $20 million while in what MLB termed a “multifaceted, professionally-administered program.”

You want him to lie. Say it. You want him to lie so you feel better. Get raped by an angry pit bull.

It sounds good. Lots of … facets. And professional … administration. And – oh, hell, who are they kidding? Miguel Cabrera, alcoholic, is back in precisely the place he needn’t be.

The baseball diamond seems like a good place for him to be to this fan. What better place than on a field with 40,000 people watching for him to stay out of trouble?

And every time the urge hits him – and it’s not going away anytime soon – he’ll have a choice to make: drink or don’t. If he’s in a proper program, he’ll be able to resist almost every time.

Several people in AA relapse constantly. The program does not automatically equal success. You twit.

That one time he doesn’t, though, he’ll go through the repercussions in his mind. The law won’t like it. Neither will his family. Even MLB said, in a statement, “any future alcohol-related incidents could involve more serious consequences.” With so many pitfalls, Cabrera can take solace in at least one thing.

The Pussy Cats won’t do a thing about it.

Jeff, let me conclude this rebuttal of your work with one final sentence:

Go f-ck yourself, you ignorant pile of festering dick snot.

Okay…a little more.

Miguel Cabrera is not a special case. I’m willing to bet that no illegal activity is practiced more in the average day than drinking and driving. With all the cities in the country having dozens, if not hundreds in the big cities, of thriving bars, it’s rational to think that millions of people drink and drive every day. It doesn’t make it right. It is just a fact.

If you want to close down all the bars in the country and eliminate alcohol from the United States, by all means try. Contact your Senator. I’m sure they’ll think you’re as batsh-t crazy as I do.

I’m done with this. It’s time to f-cking move on.

Pussy Cats. Jeebus…if there’s anyone that should lose their job for a bad decision, it’s Passan for writing this drivel.