Catfight: Scott Sizemore vs Will Rhymes

With Carlos Guillen nursing his sprained fingernail (or whatever), the battle to be the Tigers opening day second baseman will be decided this spring. This has been described as a three-way race between last year’s opening day starter, Scott Sizemore, late season surprise Will Rhymes, and defensive specialist Danny Worth. Danny Worth is terrible, so we’ll do what any intelligent person would do and leave him out of the discussion and focus on the other two.

Sizemore has more power and experts project him having a better upside, despite his injury problems slowing him down so far. Rhymes hit .300 in his limited time in the show and has won over a surprising amount of the Tiger faithful, despite his limited power and much smaller upside (no pun intended).

How can one logically decide who the better man is? Elementary, my dear reader. Through a Catfight.

Ten categories. Sizemore vs. Rhymes head-to-head. Who will come out on top?

Follow a brother after the jump to find out.

1. Major League Stats

Sizemore: 143 AB, .224 Avg, 3 HR, 14 RBI, 0/0 SB/CS, 15 BB, 40 K, .631 OPS, 72 OPS+

Rhymes: 191 AB, .304 Avg, 1 HR, 19 RBI, 0/3 SB/CS, 14 BB, 16 K, .763 OPS, 107 OPS+

Advantage: Rhymes. In their rookie years, these guys had opposite results. Sizemore, still recovering from injury, played well below his minor league numbers. Rhymes, on the other hand, played above what his track record showed. I do find it odd that everyone talked about how fast Will was coming up and he went 0-3 in SB attempts.

2. Minor League Stats

Sizemore: 1754 AB, .296 Avg, 37 HR, 208 RBI, 60/24 SB/CS, 224 BB, 323 K, .828 OPS

Rhymes: 2546 AB, .289 Avg, 18 HR, 260 RBI, 125/32 SB/CS, 246 BB, 289 K, .728 OPS

Advantage: Sizemore. This is why the Tigers handed Scotty the job last year and let Polanco walk. He’s got some pop in his bat and they’re praying that it translates to the majors. Rhymes will knock a few singles around, but Sizemore has potential to be a game-changer. Sizemore could be an Ian Kinsler type. Rhymes will probably remain Ramon Santiago with bad hair.

3. College

Sizemore: Virginia Commonwealth University, Richmond VA. Team Nickname: Rams. US News & Report university ranking: #167. Arch Rival: Old Dominion. Other MLB Alumni: Cla Meredith, Sean Marshall, Jason Dubois, and Brandon Inge.

Rhymes: The College of William & Mary, Williamsburg, VA. Team Nickname: Tribe. US News & Report university ranking: #31. Arch Rival: James Madison. Other MLB Alumni: Chris Ray, Bill Bray and Brendan Harris.

Advantage: Rhymes. VCU sucks. Inge was a star there, for crissakes.

4. Marketability

Sizemore: SIZE MATTERS! Also has an awesome first name.

Rhymes: Unlimited. Growth charts for kids (up to the age of 8). Life-sized bobbleheads that fit in your pocket. Game-used, youth-size, jerseys. The official Will Rhymes home molecular biology kit. Game used beakers! T-shirts that say “SCRAPPY” with fake dirt stains on them. Etc.

Advantage: Rhymes. People love the little bastard.

5. Defense

Sizemore: Plays with an iron skillet on his left hand instead of a glove.

Rhymes: Okay, but has limited range due to being the size of an adult raccoon.

Advantage: Tinkerbell by default. Sizemore sucks on D like Jenna Jameson does on a D.

6. First MLB Homerun

Sizemore: Off Joel Pineiro.

Rhymes: Off Zach Greinke.

Advantage: Rhymes, even though it took instant replay to confirm that his knock of Greinke was, in fact, a home run. Joel Pineiro’s terrible. Greinke is amazing…and Rod Allen’s favorite pitcher. I'm so happy he’s now a Brewer.

7. Scrappiness Rating

Sizemore: Average.

Rhymes: #2 in the majors behind only David Eckstein, the man the statistic was invented for.

Advantage: Push. “Scrappy” is an annoying cartoon dog, not an evaluating tool for baseball players. Why must every white guy under 5’10 be labeled scrappy, pesky, a grinder, plucky, a sparkplug, peppery, a hustler, feisty, or a throwback? I don’t give a f-ck how dirty his uniform is. Did he get some hits? Did he move the runner over or, better yet, drive him in? I’m serious this time. Next post I see somewhere when they call Rhymes “scrappy”, I’m going to hunt that person down, remove their eye with an ice cream scoop, and piss into their empty, brain dead skull.

I hate everything…

8. Stats vs. Minnesota Twins (current pitchers)

Sizemore: .211 Avg (4-19), 0 HR, 0 RBI

Rhymes: .417 Avg (5-12), 0 HR, 0 RBI

Advantage: Rhymes. The Twins must be destroyed at all costs. Rhymes is off to a good start to his career in that matter. Good form, William. There’s only one other team that I hate more…

9. Stats vs. Chicago White Sox (current pitchers)

Sizemore: .400 (2-5), 2 HR, 4 RBI

Rhymes: .244 (9-37), 0 HR, 3 RBI

Advantage: Sizemore. Great hustle! Scotty Size had POUNDED Ozzie’s boys in his limited chances. Play that kid every day against those pricks! Must…kill…White Sox…

10. Looks Like

Sizemore: I dunno. An Aberchrombie model?
Rhymes: A muppet.
Advantage: Rhymes. Everyone likes muppets. No one likes Amberchrombie models. Except WHORES! Yeah, I mean you! NoonewilleverlovemeIamsobittersobitter…

And by the score of 7-2, with one push, Will Rhymes wins in a blowout! Holy crap, I didn’t see that one coming. Congrats, Will!

And who cares that most of this isn’t really determined by play on the field. From what I’ve seen by this Inge-worshipping, Nate-defending fan base, Tiger fans couldn’t give two sh-ts how you play as long as you smile and pat the occasional sick kid on the head. And have a twitter account.

Sigh.  I need a break.  I've been spoiling you kids lately.  See you soon.