Could drinking water be bad? OK then Milk ?

D'ya think this could be true ?

Hi Folks,

While watching one of my favourite soaps tonight (Coronation Street) the undernoted video advert came on during a break - it was advertising milk would you believe. I wonder where these advertising folk get their ideas from?

Let me introduce you to Bertrum Thumbcat ........ I thought the video was hilarious and I hope you also enjoy it !

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Conscience is what hurts When everything else feels good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, You'll get run over if you just sit there.

Polititians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world - A pessimist fears this is true.

There will always be death and taxes - however, death doesn't get worse every year.

and lastly - In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Kate x.

Way-Too-Early AL Central Preview

 Predictions time!

Yeah, these things can change. Surprise releases, injuries, trades, late free agent signings, someone new steps up…all that is possible. But I’m impatient and have nothing better to write about.

So I thought I’d rank each team at each position based on the projected starters. These rankings are based on my uninformed opinion on how I think each guy will perform this season, plus some thought put into recent performances by the players.  Each position's player comes from the depth charts on each team's official web site.

I should also have a goofy points system, too, I guess. We’ll go 10 pts for 1st place, 7 for 2nd, 5 for 3rd, 3 pts for 4th, and 1 point for 5th. Then we’ll add them all up and see how the Tigers stack up against the rest of the AL Central. Make sense? No? I hate you…

We’ll figure it out. Jump with me…


1-Twins: Joe Mauer
2-Indians: Carlos Santana
3-White Sox: AJ Pierzynski
4-Royals: Jason Kendall
5-Tigers: Alex Avila

Analysis: Mauer’s by far the best here. If anyone argues that, they are a moron. I think Santana’s going to be the Indians’ best player by the end of this year. AJ’s a jerk, but you know what you’re going to get from him. Kendall’s winding down, but he can still make contact, especially against Detroit. Avila needs to step it up this year to prove that he can be relied upon to be a legit MLB starting catcher.  I have my doubts still.

Running Point Total: Twins-10, Indians-7, White Sox-5, Royals-3, Tigers-1


1-Tigers: Miguel Cabrera
2-Twins: Justin Morneau
3-White Sox: Paul Konerko
4-Royals: Kila Ka’aihue
5-Indians: Matt LaPorta

Analysis: Cabrera’s the best no matter what the media thinks of him now. Morneau’s right behind him in AL first basemen, assuming he heals from his concussion. Konerko’s older, but still steady. Ka’aihue’s name is a mystery to Rod Allen, but he’s a rising star. LaPorta is a former 1st round pick that has struggled to hit in the majors so far.

Running Point Total: Twins-17, Tigers-11, White Sox-10, Indians-8, Royals-6


1-Twins: Tsuyoshi Niskioka
2-White Sox: Gordon Beckham
3-Tigers: Carlos Guillen
4-Indians: Orlando Cabrera
5-Royals: Chris Getz

Analysis: Niskioka is the Japanese hired gun the Twins acquired in the offseason. He hit .346 in Japan last year and has a career average of .293 along with a good defensive reputation. Beckham has been the top White Sox prospect for a while and this could be his breakout year. Guillen would be ranked higher, but he goes on the DL every time he happens to sneeze. Cabrera was never that great, and has lost another step or two the past couple years. Getz is a borderline major leaguer.

Running Point Total: Twins-27, White Sox-17, Tigers-16, Indians-11, Royals-7


1-Twins: Danny Valencia
2-Tigers: Brandon Inge
3-Royals: Mike Aviles
4-White Sox: Brent Morel
5-Indians: Jason Donald

Analysys: Valencia did well is his first year in the bigs hitting .311 for the Twins. I hate to do it, but I think he’s the best of this group. I grudgingly put Inge second, due to his amazing defense. Aviles could be the best third baseman in the Central if he could stay healthy. Morel is a career .305 hitter in the minors and will be given his chance at the show this year by the Sox. Donald is listed as the third baseman for the Tribe this year, despite only playing second and short last year. He didn’t impress much last year, though.

Running Point Total: Twins-37, Tigers-23, White Sox-20, Indians-12, Royals-12


1-White Sox: Alexei Ramirez
2-Tigers: Jhonny Peralta
3-Indians: Asdrubal Cabrera
4-Royals: Alcides Escobar
5-Twins: Alexi Casilla

Analysis: Try spelling all of these guys’ names correctly without looking. I dare you. Ramirez is the best of this group in my opinion. Peralta hopes to be reborn in Detroit this year after looking good following the trade with Cleveland last year. Cabrera’s a decent player when healthy. Escobar is young, came over in the Zach Greinke deal, and his hit well in the minors. Casilla has split time in his career in Minnesota so far and hasn’t hit much.

Running Point Total: Twins-38, Tigers-30, White Sox-30, Indians-17, Royals-15


1-Twins: Delmon Young
2-Tigers: Ryan Raburn
3-White Sox: Juan Pierre
4-Indians: Michael Brantley
5-Royals: Alex Gordon

Analysis: Young’s easily the best of the group here. Raburn gets my 2nd place nod based on his ability to carry the team when he’s hot at the dish. I hate Juan Pierre, but his 68 stolen bases last year shows that he still has value. Brantley was part of the CC Sabathia deal and is .303 hitter in the minors and is still only 23 years old. Gordon was supposed to be the next George Brett in Kansas City, but has resembled the next Bob Hamelin instead (without the power).

Running Point Total: Twins-48, Tigers-37, White Sox-35, Indians-20, Royals-16


1-White Sox: Alex Rios
2-Tigers: Austin Jackson
3-Twins: Denard Span
4-Indians: Grady Sizemore
5-Royals: Melky Cabrera

Analysis: This has been the toughest ranking so far. Alex put up the best numbers of the group last year and looks like the Rios of old since being freed from Toronto. AJax was superb in his rookie season and will hopefully build on that in 2011. Span took a step back last year hitting only .264 with an OPS+ of 85. He remains dangerous to the Tigers, though. Sizemore would have been easily the best three years ago, but injuries and a Curtis Granderson-like affection for the long ball has hurt him. Cabrera is horrible and if he were starting for my team, I’d hang myself. Also, we have way too many Cabreras in our division.

Running Point Total: Twins-53, White Sox-45, Tigers-44, Indians-23, Royals-17


1-Indians: Shin Soo Choo
2-Tigers: Magglio Ordonez
3-White Sox: Carlos Quentin
4-Twins: Michael Cuddyer
5-Royals: Jeff Francoeur

Analysis: Choo is the last really good player the Indians have left until Santana develops. Expect him to be dealt by the end of the year…sorry Indians fans, couldn’t resist. Ordonez continues to hit and play better defense than you’d expect, despite injuries and getting older. Quentin is a butcher on defense, but has immense power. Cuddyer is solid, but unspectacular. Francoeur was good when he first came up with Atlanta, but has been in a downward spiral and bouncing around the league ever since.

Running Point Total: Twins-56, Tigers-51, White Sox-50, Indians-33, Royals-18


1-White Sox: Adam Dunn
2-Tigers: Victor Martinez
3-Royals: Billy Butler
4-Indians: Travis Hafner
5-Twins: Jason Kubel

Analysis: Dunn’s simply a beast and an on base machine. VMart is going to be sorely needed protection for Cabrera in the Tigers’ lineup. Butler is a great hitter that goes unnoticed in Kansas City. Hafner is one of the most injury prone players in baseball despite never playing in the field. Kubel hits the occasional home run, but is an average player overall. He’ll split time with an aging Jim Thome for the Twins at DH.

Points so far: White Sox-60, Tigers-58, Twins-57, Indians-36, Royals-23


1-Tigers: Will Rhymes, Ramon Santiago, Don Kelly, Brennan Boesch/Casper Wells
2-Twins: Jim Thome, Jason Repko, Matt Tolbert, Drew Butera
3-White Sox: Mark Teahan, Omar Vizquel, Alejandro De Aza, Ramon Castro
4-Indians: Shelley Duncan, Austin Kearns, Jayson Nix, Lou Marson
5-Royals: Mitch Maier, Wilson Betemit, Lorenzo Cain, Brayan Pena

Analysis: I’m surprised, too, but I really think the Tigers have the most well-rounded bench despite not really having an impact hitter to come off of it. Thome’s probably the best non-regular in the AL Central and he gets the Twins into 2nd here. The Sox have a good mix of veterans and young players as backups. The same can be said for Cleveland to a lesser extent. As usual, KC brings up the rear.

Points so far: Tigers-68, White Sox-65, Twins-64, Indians-39, Royals-24


1-Tigers: Justin Verlander
2-Twins: Francisco Liriano
3-White Sox: Mark Buehrle
4-Indians: Fausto Carmona
5-Royals: Luke Hochevar

Analysis: JV is by far the cream of the crop in the Central with Zach Greinke leaving the division. Liriano is great when healthy, but he may end up traded if you believe the rumors floating around about him. Buehrle is good, but is talking retirement soon. Carmona is Jeckyl and Hyde. Hochevar would be lucky to be a #3 on the other staffs. He’s still young, though.

Points so far: Tigers-78, Twins-71, White Sox-70, Indians-41, Royals-25


1-Tigers: Max Scherzer
2-White Sox: Gavin Floyd
3-Twins: Carl Pavano
4-Indians: Justin Masterson
5-Royals: Kyle Davies

Analysis: Max Scherzer was dominant after coming back from a stint in Toledo last year. Floyd’s solid and overlooked in the Sox rotation. Pavano’s great against Detroit, but average against the rest of the league. Masterson was the Indians’ big get in the VMart trade to Boston a couple years ago. Davies sucks.

Points so far: Tigers-88, White Sox-77, Twins-76, Indians-45, Royals-26


1-White Sox: Jon Danks, Jake Peavy, Edwin Jackson
2-Twins: Scott Baker, Brian Duensing, Nick Blackburn/Kevin Slowey
3-Tigers: Rick Porcello, Phil Coke, Brad Penny
4-Royals: Jeff Francis, Vin Mazzaro,, Sean O’Sullivan
5-Indians: Mitch Talbot, Carlos Carrasco, Josh Tomlin

Analysis: The White Sox have great depth in the rotation assuming they all stay healthy. If Peavy rebounds, he’s an ace. The Twins have a bunch of guys with big league experience. The Tigers 3-5 guys could be great, but they have a lot of questions. KC beats out Cleveland just by Jeff Francis’ prescence.

Points so far: Tigers-93, White Sox-87, Twins-83, Indians-46, Royals-29


1-Twins: Joe Nathan
2-Royals: Joakim Soria
3-Tigers: Jose Valverde
4-White Sox: Matt Thornton
5-Indians: Chris Perez

Analysis: I gave Nathan the nod despite him missing last year to injury. That’s how much I fear the man. Soria’s great and may not be long for Kansas City. Valverde’s the best closer Detroit’s seen since Willie Hernandez in 1984. Thornton is probably a sleeper to be the top guy here, but he’s entering his first year as closer. Perez is not a guy I’d count on to lock down games.

Points so far: Tigers-98, Twins-93, White Sox-90, Indians-47, Royals-36


1-White Sox: Chris Sale, Jessie Crain, Will Ohman, Tony Pena, Sergio Santos, Lucas Harrell
2-Tigers: Joaquin Benoit, Joe Zumaya, Ryan Perry, Brad Thomas, Daniel Schlereth, Robbie Weinhardt
3-Twins: Matt Capps, Jose Mijares, Alex Burnett, Glen Perkins, Pat Neshak, Jeff Manship
4-Indians: Rafael Perez, Tony Sipp, Joe Smith, Jenson Lewis, Aaron Laffey, Vinnie Pestano
5-Royals: Blake Wood, Jesse Chavez, Kanekoa Texeira, Greg Holland, Robinson Tejeda, Bruce Chen

Analysis: Lots of good arms for the Sox and I have them narrowly better than the Tigers for now. The Twins used to have this part locked up, but they took a hit in the offseason. Cleveland and KC just have a bunch of guys out there with Perez being the only guy I’d want on my team out of the bunch.

Points so far: Tigers-105, White Sox-100, Twins-98, Indians-50, Royals-37


1-Twins: Ron Gardenhire
2-Tigers: Jim Leyland
3-White Sox: Ozzie Guillen
4-Indians: Manny Acta
5-Royals: Ned Yost

Analysis: Ha, bet you thought I was done. Or maybe not. You can’t overlook the managers, in my opinion. They don’t affect the game as much as I think most people give them credit for, but I do think they have in impact nonetheless. Gardenhire’s one of the best managers I’ve ever seen. Leyland drives me crazy, but his players will run through a wall for him…at least in the first half of the year. Ozzie’s crazy, but he has a World Series ring. Acta and Yost…I flipped a coin. Acta won.

Final Points Total: Tigers-112, Twins=108, White Sox-105, Indians-53, Royals-38

There you go. It looks like I’m picking the Tigers to narrowly win the AL Central over the Twins and White Sox. Granted, if I ranked each pitcher, the White Sox might have pulled it out. Luckily for Tiger fans, I’m lazy.

In all honesty, it’s a three team race and should be interesting. Any of them could easily win it. Can’t wait for it to unfold.

The Final Cabrera-gate Article: Jeff Passan is Awful

Yahoo’s Jeff Passan should be taken outside and shot in the testicles.

I know that I said I was done with Cabrera-gate. Twice now, I think. But I received multiple emails asking me to take Passan to task for his article after Mig’s press conference. I replied to a couple saying I had nothing more to say. I don’t want to keep repeating myself. But then I read it again. And it just pissed me off to no end. You wanted it, kids? You got it.

I’m not the only one, either. Fire Gerald Laird took this same article to task FJM style, too. But FGL’s piece, while a great job, wasn’t hateful enough for my taste.

Bring it, Passan. You f-ck.

Miguel Cabrera drank himself into a violent, abusive state in October 2009,

He was the one that got abused.

and the Detroit Tigers responded by playing him hours after they picked him up from jail.

Jeff, in the real world, if there is a situation where you are taken into custody, as long as you aren’t in jail or a danger to others, you are allowed to return to work. Your personal life and your professional life are two different matters. That’s why your personal life is called “personal”. Especially if there are no conduct rules in place as there currently aren’t in major league baseball. Just like there aren’t if you work at Burger King, Honda, or a casino, for example. Why the double standard with athletes? Jealousy?

Cabrera drank himself so silly a week ago he didn’t bother to stop swigging from a bottle of scotch in front of the police, and the Tigers are responding by welcoming him to spring training like nothing happened.

-Press conferences on subject.
-Many teammates offering concern and support.
-Constant barrage of ignorant reporters asking the same questions.
-Cabrera’s press conference.

“Like nothing happened” is just a ridiculous statement on so many levels.

At this rate, the next time Cabrera takes a drink the Tigers will give him a raise.

Sigh. You act like Dave Dombrowski has been laughing about this. You are a hack of the lowest order.

Seriously, what does Cabrera have to do for the Tigers to punish him?

Write an ignorant article for Yahoo that ignores facts?

Run a dog-fighting ring?

Sick, but has nothing to do with baseball. There are courts for this.

Kill someone?

Courts. The Tigers are not the police or judicial system.

And really?  You went there?  Murder?  Sigh...

Insult Little Caesars?

Everyone insults Little Caesars. It’s horrible. Oh, sorry, that’s another attempt at humor on your part. My bad. You’re the Dane Cook of Yahoo.

Cabrera’s apology, delivered Thursday almost entirely in Spanish

What does this have to do with anything? The guy is from Venezuela. Why wouldn’t he speak in the language he’s comfortable with? God forbid he slips up trying to express himself in English. You assholes would tear him apart. Like you hyenas are doing anyway…

and translated by assistant general manager Al Avila, was a joke.

No. It was a heart-felt apology by a man that realizes he has let down his family, his team, and his fans. Who the f-ck are you to say it was a joke?

And FYI, this is a joke:  What is brown and rhymes with snoop?

Give up?

Dr. Dre. Hahaha…that’s a joke.

He still refuses to admit that he is an alcoholic.

This again. For the FINAL TIME. Everyone that has an incident or two with alcohol is NOT an alcoholic. There are councilors and doctors that will make that decision. Not you. Not me. Not Miguel Cabrera. Quit talking about subjects that you obviously have no idea what you’re speaking about.

He hid behind medical privilege rather than answer legitimate questions, such as why doctors recommended he rejoin the booze-soaked baseball life today rather than check in to a rehabilitation center.

“Miguel, why did the doctors recommend something that isn’t what my uninformed opinion of the situation is?” What? Are you on crack?

And “booze-soaked baseball life”? Are the major leagues like bar softball leagues now? Chug a pitcher of Natty Light before advancing to the next base? Methinks you’re just a c-cksucker with an ax to grind. Grind it into your own forehead, you gash.

And he skated once again, the Pussy Cats

I see what you did there! You’re clever. Clever like a dead squirrel.

happy to enable the player to whom they’ll pay more than $100 million over the next five years because it’s so much easier than holding him accountable.

What is “accountable”? He’s being evaluated by professionals. He will enter treatment. He may have assistance on the road. He will be under the microscope all season. He’s going to be heckled by ignorant drunks in the stands. And he will do his job: play baseball. People that have outpatient treatment in the “real world” are allowed to work. Why do you not want Miguel Cabrera to be able to do his job? Are you a White Sox fan?

Cabrera will slip into his Tigers uniform Friday morning and practice with his teammates in Lakeland, Fla., eight days after police detained him on DUI and resisting-arrest charges.

I was back to work in two days after mine. I had to get a ride there, but I went. Should everyone that gets a DUI be fired from their jobs? I hope you get AIDS.

I should take this time, if anyone reading is not familiar with my work and has not read my previous bits on this situation, to go over a couple things again. Driving drunk is stupid and dangerous. It is not something to be blown off and that is not my intention here. I blew a .085 at the road a year ago and have paid massively for it the past 12 months. Luckily in Miguel’s and my situation, no one was hurt. But people make mistakes and should not be treated like they raped a troop of girl scouts when they just made poor choice.

Where was I? Yes, AIDS. I hope you get AIDS, Jeff.

This is special treatment even by superstar standards.

JJ Redek from the NBA, Vincent Jackson of the NFL, MLB manager Tony LaRussa, and countless others in sports have gotten DUIs in the past few years. Charles Barkley and others have had two or more. Some faced suspensions. Some did jail time. Some got nothing. Why all this hate toward Cabrera? Why is he special to you? Do you despise Hispanics? Are you a Twins fan?

To invite Cabrera back into their clubhouse so soon – and so consequence-free –

Eat a bag of dicks.

after such a spectacular arrest screams: Come ye, alcoholic baseball players, for we at the Detroit Tigers welcome your kind!

I’m trying to think of something I’ve read in my lifetime more ridiculous than your statement here.


I’m coming up blank. Are you an Indians fan?

Even if the doctors chosen by Major League Baseball and the players’ union recommended that Cabrera follow a program rather than commit to inpatient treatment, it doesn’t lessen the severity of what he has done – and what he faces. This is now two extreme incidents of alcohol abuse that ended in embarrassment. Certainly they’re not the only two times Cabrera drank himself into oblivion.

Probably not. But not your business. I find it hard to believe that Jeff Passan, saint of all saints, has never been drunk in his life.

Jeff, this is sports. When you watch sports, what do you see? Dozens of beer commercials. Look in the stands. What do you see being sold by the f-cking truckload? Beer.

If anyone reading this has never been drunk…wow. Nice to meet you, Sister Mary Joseph. Now, I’m willing to admit that many of you may have never driven drunk. And for that, I applaud you. But I’d bet my left nut that more of you HAVE driven drunk at least once in your life. It’s not right, but it happens. If you get caught, you face the consequences.

Thank Allah that all of us didn’t have to face Jeff Passan, that paragon of virtue.

The Pussy Cats

So nice, you did it twice! Ha…I hope your balls fall off.

are, essentially, doubling down on an alcoholic whose sobriety lasted barely a year.

October 3, 2009-February 16, 2011 is one year, four months, and thirteen days. Your math is worse than your writing.

And again with the ignorant “alcoholic” crap again. What do you want them to do? Wash their hands of their $100 million investment and the best hitter in maybe all of baseball? They’re trying to get him help, you dick.

What more the Tigers could reasonably do in this situation, I cannot figure out. Are you a Royals fan?

There is supportive, and there is coddling, and for somebody who said he has worked with dozens of players with substance-abuse issues, general manager Dave Dombrowski should know better than to skew toward the latter.

Okay, you condescending, all-knowing, pile of ass juice. You have all the answers. What would you have liked DD to do? Put a bullet in Mig’s head? Perhaps attempt to deport his family?

Forget a reprimand. The Pussy Cats couldn’t even slap him on the wrist.

Jeff Passan is the pussy, hiding behind his keyboard and talking out of his ass. Oh, and I just looked him up on Wikipedia. He’s from a suburb of Cleveland. He worked for the Kansas City Star. He has an agenda.

That or he is just a gigantic piece of horse sh-t trying to get attention. If so, well done.

And if any of you know how to edit Wikipedia bios, I’m not saying it would be right or you should do it, but if Passan’s bio was changed to say that he enjoys blowing circus monkeys…

“He acknowledges he has a problem,” Dombrowski said.

He does, huh?

Yeah, huh.

Asked directly if he was an alcoholic, here was Cabrera’s response: “The doctors … are the ones that would know best how to answer that.”

Indeed. Finally, a voice of reason. And it comes from the guy closest to the matter…imagine that.

It’s no surprise Cabrera is in denial. It’s not like the Pussy Cats have given him any reason to believe he has a problem.

Wow…we’ve hit a new low in stupidity. Here’s my new updated Top Five list of people I would like to see run through a wood chipper:

5. Glenn Beck
4. Osama bin Laden
3. Don Kelly.
2. Anyone that harms my mother or son.
1. Jeff Passan

Congrats, Jeff!

Dombrowski said the team will help Cabrera find someone to shadow him at all times and help prevent relapses. A full-time sponsor is a nice idea. It can help.

I’m surprised you didn’t call Dave a prick for this. Or suggest that he’d get Charlie Sheen or Norm from “Cheers” to be this shadow. You’re slipping, Passan.

By no means, though, does it stop an addict from going back to his old ways. Johnny Narron was supposed to be with Josh Hamilton for 24 hours a day. Hamilton ended up in a Phoenix-area bar getting whipped cream licked off him by random women.

Lucky bastard.

Slip-ups happen.

They do? Then what are you crying about?

Why is Hamilton’s relapse a “slip-up” and Cabrera’s is an unforgivable act? Were the Rangers wrong to support Hamilton and see him go on to an MVP season? I don’t think so.

They happen far less when a person understands his disease and how it affects those around him.

Oh. And Miguel doesn’t. Because he didn’t take the cliché celebrity way out by blaming his actions on a “disease” that he may not have? Go fist yourself, Jeffy.

Cabrera’s apology tour began during a press conference – he even said he was sorry for acting like a drunken lout to the policeman who needed to give him four Charley horses before arresting him –

Charley horses…from getting whacked with a nightstick four times. That’s like saying that abortions tickle.

and will continue tomorrow when, he said, he’ll roam around the clubhouse with contrition on his tongue. Then he’ll step into the batting cage, smack balls over a fence and all will be forgiven.

Who says he needs forgiveness from anyone? The man screwed up. And he’ll pay the price. The millions of Tiger fans across the country are not perfect. No one is perfect other than, perhaps, Colin Cowherd. Just ask him.

His manager, Jim Leyland, was right: This won’t cause distractions. The furor over Cabrera will pass much quicker than if he were in rehab. He’ll hide behind medical privilege as an excuse not to talk about it – you don’t see Hamilton and other addicts who are honest with themselves taking that tack – and hit his 30 home runs and drive in his 100 runs and earn his $20 million while in what MLB termed a “multifaceted, professionally-administered program.”

You want him to lie. Say it. You want him to lie so you feel better. Get raped by an angry pit bull.

It sounds good. Lots of … facets. And professional … administration. And – oh, hell, who are they kidding? Miguel Cabrera, alcoholic, is back in precisely the place he needn’t be.

The baseball diamond seems like a good place for him to be to this fan. What better place than on a field with 40,000 people watching for him to stay out of trouble?

And every time the urge hits him – and it’s not going away anytime soon – he’ll have a choice to make: drink or don’t. If he’s in a proper program, he’ll be able to resist almost every time.

Several people in AA relapse constantly. The program does not automatically equal success. You twit.

That one time he doesn’t, though, he’ll go through the repercussions in his mind. The law won’t like it. Neither will his family. Even MLB said, in a statement, “any future alcohol-related incidents could involve more serious consequences.” With so many pitfalls, Cabrera can take solace in at least one thing.

The Pussy Cats won’t do a thing about it.

Jeff, let me conclude this rebuttal of your work with one final sentence:

Go f-ck yourself, you ignorant pile of festering dick snot.

Okay…a little more.

Miguel Cabrera is not a special case. I’m willing to bet that no illegal activity is practiced more in the average day than drinking and driving. With all the cities in the country having dozens, if not hundreds in the big cities, of thriving bars, it’s rational to think that millions of people drink and drive every day. It doesn’t make it right. It is just a fact.

If you want to close down all the bars in the country and eliminate alcohol from the United States, by all means try. Contact your Senator. I’m sure they’ll think you’re as batsh-t crazy as I do.

I’m done with this. It’s time to f-cking move on.

Pussy Cats. Jeebus…if there’s anyone that should lose their job for a bad decision, it’s Passan for writing this drivel.

Meanwhile...At The Other AL Central Spring Camps

Miguel Cabrera reported to Tiger camp today and addressed the media. He expressed regret over his actions and vowed to try and be a better person. How nice.

But Mig’s going to be fine. We need to keep a lookout on those other dastardly teams in the AL Central. Have any of you been keeping an eye on those bastards? Didn’t think so! Luckily, as usual, Your Party Host has spies everywhere to make sure we know what’s going on the in clubhouses of the enemy. Journey with me as we take a quick peek at what the Twins, Royals, Indians, and White Sox are up to.

(At Twins camp.)
JOE MAUER: Man, it’s good to be back to baseball. What a crappy winter up in the Twin Cities. But hey, the weather’s great here and I’m ready to defend the AL Central crown again.

/takes shots of horse steroid in both knees

MAUER: Ahhh…that feels good. Hey, Jason. You seen Morneau yet? Any clue how he’s doing with his concussion?
JASON KUBEL: I’m hungry.

MAUER: Okay. But have you seen Justin? We’re gonna need him healthy if we want to hold off the Tigers and White Sox, man.

KUBEL: I want some nachos. And three porterhouses. With ketchup. And some more nachos.

MAUER: Sigh. I hear there’s a good sports bar around the corner from…

/door flies open
JUSTIN MORNEAU: How’s it going, eh? You hosers have a good winter?

KUBEL: I’m hungry. Nice shirt.

MAUER: Hey, Justin. How you feeling, pal?

MORNEAU: How’s it going, eh? You hosers have a good winter?

/breathes through mouth only

MAUER: Uh oh.

/eats handful of pain killers

KUBEL: Let’s get food.

MAUER: Yeah. Right.  Justin, lead the way. Let’s get lunch.

MORNEAU: (drool running down chin) Okay, eh.

/pushes on door marked “PULL” for 20 seconds

MAUER: Oh boy. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
(At Royals camp.)
BILLY BUTLER: Do you recognize any of these guys?

BUTLER: Think we’ll finish within ten games of .500 this year?


BUTLER:  Think DeJesus misses us?

GORDON:  Nope.

BUTLER: Wanna hit the strip club?

JASON KENDALL: No, he wants to stand here watching Melky Cabrera drop fly balls all f-cking day! Are you sh-tting me right now?  These f-cking questions...

/random cursing

(EDIT:  If you haven’t heard about Kendall’s incident yet, go to and look for it.  I tried to link to it, but since deadspin's redesign, I haven't been able to get the links to work.)
(At Indians camp.)
MANNY ACTA: So, who are you looking forward to working with this year, Travis?
TRAVIS HAFNER: (looking over roster) Um, Jason Donald? Mitch Talbot? Josh Tomlin? I’ve never heard of half these guys and the ones I do know are ways past their prime.

ACTA: Obviously it’s time for some changes.

HAFTER: This guy’s dead!

ACTA: Cross him off then.
GRADY SIZEMORE: Smile, guys!

ACTA: My kinda team, Travvy. My kinda team.
(At White Sox camp.)
OZZIE GUILLEN: SpanishSpanishSpanishF-CK! F-CKSpanishSpanishF-CKSpanish.

/worships Dark Lord Satan

GUILLEN: F-CKf-ckF-CKSpanishSpanishF-CK!

/kills litter of puppies

GUILLEN: C-cksuckerF-CKSpanishSpanishF-CK.
ADAM DUNN: What’d he say?
PAUL KONERKO: He says he’s thirsty. You start to understand it after a while. Don’t worry.  Get him a Yoo Hoo and he'll take a nap.  Then we can concentrate on baseball.

DUNN:  You sh-ttin' me?

KONERKO:  Welcome to Chicago, man.  Oh, and don't bend over if Pierzynski's in the shower with you.  Follow that golden rule and you'll be fine.

An old favourite / Italian Machismo / Coca Cola anyone ?

Hi Folks,

While I was tidying up my blog records I came across the 'Singing Bug' and couldn't resist re-posting it - It was on one of my entries way back in the beginning of September 2008 - it still makes me laugh and I hope you enjoy it too !

Turn up your sound! Click here:SINGING BUG .

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

The Italian man of the house and his Italian wife ...

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will then wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, 'The bloody funeral director would be my first guess!

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Would anyone like a Coca cola ??

Somehow I doubt it after seeing this video..... When I think of all the Cokes I drank during my teenage years - My insides must've been wasting away ...... So that's why I've lost so much bone in my spine ...

Love and Peace, Kate xxx.

What Really Happened To Miguel Cabrera

I wasn’t going to do this…but eff it.

So, DNR has received a top secret report from my imagination a reliable source on what really happened last week to Tiger slugger, Miguel Cabrera, in his alleged DUI arrest. I feel it is my duty to share that with you at this time.
(Driving on a highway in Fort Pierce, FL)
MIGUEL CABRERA: What a day. Spent the morning at the dentist. Man, my mouth still hurts and my speech is slurred. Then I anonymously donated a million bucks to those autistic children. Hope they can put it to good use. Saved that kitty-cat from a tree. That little girl was so happy! And I can’t believe I picked up that hitchhiker. Its unbelievable how much he reeked of booze...and then he spilled beer on me! At least he’s safe in the hotel I graciously paid for. Now I’ve just gotta stay awake, make it to Lakeland, and get ready to help win us a World Series. No Josh Hamilton’s going to be better than me this year!

/changes radio station

CABRERA: Hooray! I love Lady Gaga! I want your love and all your love is revenge, you and me could write a bad romance! Ohhhhh ohh ohhhhhh oh oh oh oh, caught in a bad romance…

/loud explosion under hood

CABRERA: Oh no. This can’t be happening.

/pulls over as engine smokes.

CABRERA: Man…how can this get any worse?

 /cop car pulls up

CABRERA: Oh, good. The police. I’m sure they can help me. After all, I’m a nice man just trying to get to work. Hello, officer!

/gets out, puts hands up and waves

CABRERA: Hope he sees me! I need help!

/runs in street with hands up

CABRERA: Whoa! Calm down, officer. My car…

COP: I said freeze, ese! You understand English, you Cuban prick?

CABRERA: What? I’m not Cuban. Don’t you know who I am? I’m…

COP: I don’t care of you’re Justin Bieber himself, boy. Shut up and keep your hands high!

CABRERA: But I didn’t do anything…

COP: Quiet! You’re slurring your speech, Pedro. And I can smell the booze from here!

CABRERA: You don’t understand! My mouth, the hitchhiker, ugh. You don’t know anything about my problems! I just need help…

COP: Stay there until my backup gets here, Julio. I know you’ve gotta have weapons on you. All you people do!

CABRERA: My people? What? Don’t you know who I am? I used to play ball in Florida. I’m Miguel Cabrera and I’m on my way…

COP: Quiet, Chico! You’re not fat enough to be Miguel Cabrera, you lying prick! You could’ve at least said Asdrubel…or Melky.

CABRERA: Man, my throat is parched. I need a drink. Maybe he’ll understand me better. Where’s that root beer I packed?

/takes drink

CABRERA: What the? Oh no…

/tears fake label off bottle

CABRERA: No! Who would’ve replaced my root beer with scotch? I gave up alcohol! Great…

/another cop car pulls up

COP: Bout time you got here! He, uhh, pulled a gun and is swigging booze over there!

COP #2: Quiet, illegal! Got some ID?

/takes passport

COP #2: Jose Cabrera, huh?

COP: I knew it! He said he was MIGUEL Cabrera!

CABRERA: I am! I go by Miguel…it’s my middle name. Look at me! Don’t you know who I am?

COP #2: Yeah. You’re a dangerous criminal and a drunk, from the looks of it. We got a call from a concerned citizen that said a man fitting your description was driving a car matching THIS description and that he was reckless and drunk out of his mind! He also said you were probably here illegally.

CABRERA: That’s crazy! Who would say that?

COP #2: Pretty sure his name was Don. Don Kelly.

/cut to Lakeland
DON KELLY: Hahahahahahahaha…first base is mine. The circle is now complete.

/back to Fort Pierce

CABRERA: I am going to f-cking kill him.

COP: Sounds like a threat. Let’s go, Jose. You’re going back WHEREVER you came from!

CABRERA: Please! I didn’t do anything wrong!

/cops begin beating him in leg with billy clubs

CABRERA: Owww! Okay, okay! I can’t believe this is happening.

COP: Should I sprinkle some crack on him?

COP #2: What?  Don't be stupid. Does he look black to you? We only sprinkle the black suspects!

COP:  Sorry...

/two hours later at police station

COP: Time for your mugshot. Hey…I just got a text that we’re going to let you go free! No charges!
CABRERA: Really?

/takes picture

COP: Nope. Dumbass. Hahahahaha…now you really look bad. Make your phone call while we have some fun with this police report.

/phone rings at swank Lakeland hotel


OPERATOR: Collect call from prisoner #53339201, Miguel Cabrera.


2011 Bizarro Tigers By Age

In response to the last piece where I used to get the similar player for the 2011 roster, a reader suggested that I should use the similar player by age instead.

And to that I say:
Uh…okay. That might be cool.

I aim to please. Let’s see if this comes out better for us.

C-Gabby Harnett/Martinez
1B-Frank Robinson/Cabrera
2B-Todd Walker/Guillen (no change)
3B-Jose Hernandez/Inge
SS-Juan Uribe/Peralta
LF-Benny Agbayani/Raburn (no change)
CF-Ping Bodie/Jackson
RF-Chuck Klein/Ordonez

SP-Josh Beckett/Verlander
SP-Ed Halicki/Scherzer
SP-Virgil Cheeves/Porcello
SP-Rich Folkers/Coke
SP-Todd Stottlemyre/Penny
CP-Francisco Cordero/Valverde
RP-Jay Witasick/Benoit
RP-Mike Garman/Zumaya
RP-Bill Wakefield/Perry (no change)

Well, that’s a little better. Isn’t Ed Halicki an NFL ref? I’m kidding.

Oh well. None of this means anything. Spring is coming, kids…spring is coming.

The Scariest Story

There was a short period of my early life that was punctuated by truly unfortunate nightmares. I'd go to sleep feeling safe and warm. 

Then I'd awaken several hours later and somehow be completely convinced that my closet was inhabited by fire monsters. 

I'd flee to my parents' room because, like most six-year-olds,  I believed that my parents possessed some magical ability to ward off homicidal, fire-breathing monsters that were easily eight times their size.  

I don't know exactly how I thought they would be able to protect me from the monster, but as far as I was concerned, my parents were forcefields of safety and that fire monster could go fuck itself. 

As I lay there between my parents, I felt a gigantic flood of relief.    

Inexplicably, the feeling of complete immunity to danger made me extremely energetic.  

I didn't need sleep; all I needed was safety.  

It was intoxicating. 

And in the morning, despite having slept very little, I'd wake up feeling recharged and ready to rampage.  

Unfortunately, my parents were not high out of their minds on feelings of invulnerability, and they did need sleep.   

After enduring several consecutive nights of spastic flailing followed by days of gleeful chaos, my parents decided that they needed to take action. 

My mother, being the shrewd diplomat that she was, decided to bribe me into staying in my own bed at night. She knew that I had been lusting after a certain stuffed toy, and told me that if I stayed in my own room every night for an entire week, she'd buy the toy for me. 

But the promise of such an enticing reward did not make the nightmares go away. Nighttime turned into a battle of will power.  I would awaken, become completely terrified and be overwhelmed with the desire to bolt to the safety of my parents' room. But I willed myself to stay in my bed.  Instead of sleeping, I spent the entire night vigilantly watching the closet.  

If a monster came out and tried to attack me, I was prepared to flee reflexively.  But until I saw the whites of the monster's eyes, I would hold my post.

I really, really wanted that toy. 

My sleepless nights turned me into a listless little zombie during the day.  Activities that I once enjoyed with childish abandon became a struggle. 

I was completely dead inside.  

But the most insulting part of the whole ordeal was lying awake in my bed, shaking with terror and suddenly becoming aware of my younger sister slumbering peacefully on the other side of the room, wrapped up in her blanket like a fearless little burrito.

She was three years old. There was no possible way that she should be so brave in the face of such extreme danger. I looked at her over there, happily dreaming her little dreams, and I felt envy. I should be the brave one. I should be the one defying death so nonchalantly. Who the hell did she think she was?

Not only did she sleep soundly but she awakened cheerfully, ready to take on whatever daily challenges a three-year-old is likely to face. The numbness and deadness I felt inside contrasted sharply with her blatant contentedness. It started to feel like she was being happy at me - like her enthusiasm was intentional and malicious.

Then I had an idea.

I could bring her down to my level.  I could fill her little mind with images so gruesome that she'd be irreversibly scarred for life and would no longer be able to taunt me with her complete disregard of fear.

And most importantly, if I could make her scared enough to seek refuge in my parents' bed, I could use her as a sort of Trojan horse and tag along under the guise of concern.

She was my ticket to safety and I had to scare the ever-living fuck out of her.

I spent the entire day concocting the most horrifying story I could think of - an amalgamation of every single scary thing I'd ever heard. It was a masterpiece.  It was the scariest story in the world. There was no possible way that my sister would walk away unscathed.

When it was finally bedtime, I waited for my parents to turn off the lights and leave the room, then I turned to my sister and said "Do you want to hear a story?"

She loved stories.  She didn't see it coming.

I began: "On a dark and stormy night....

By the time I was done weaving my tale of blood and horror and more blood, my sister had become silent and wide-eyed.  Her innocent little brain had never encountered such an impressive amount of gore, and I could tell that she was still struggling to process it all. 

Satisfied with my handiwork, I whispered "goodnight" and nestled into my blankets to wait for the inevitable moment when her tender young mind crumpled beneath the sheer volume of terror I'd just injected into it.  

Amazingly, my sister was able to fall asleep.  She couldn't possibly have been unaffected. How could she sleep?  She must be experiencing a delayed reaction, I thought. The inside of her head just had to be a festering stew of terrors - fermenting, bubbling beneath the surface until they gathered enough force to wake her and propel her to the safety of my parents' bedroom.  It had to happen. There was no way that it wouldn't.  

As I lay there in the dark, willing my sister to awaken and experience the full force of the nightmares I'd planted in her mind, I began to think about the story I'd told her.  The bear-snake with bat-arms. The skeletons. The blood. The murderers.  

Then I looked at my closet. 

Oh no.  They were in there.  

The jolt of fear I felt in my spine nearly paralyzed me, but I still managed to flee to my parents' room with tremendous agility.  I desperately clawed at their door until they let me in.  

I told them I didn't care about the toy. I told them I never wanted toys ever again.  I cried violently and screamed about how scared I was.  

Even the impenetrable safety-fortress of my parents' sleeping bodies was not enough to ward off the incredible amount of fear I'd brought upon myself.  I didn't sleep. And it wasn't because I was high on safety.  

In the morning, I felt like I'd aged ninety years in a single night.  This is it, I thought. This is what the end of life feels like. My tiny adrenal glands had nearly exploded themselves in my panic and I was exhausted.  I ate my cereal robotically, expending only as much energy as necessary. 

I almost didn't notice when my sister climbed up next to me.  

She looked much less traumatized than I would have expected, considering that she spent all night stewing in the after-effects of my story.  In fact, she seemed extremely excited about absolutely nothing. 

Maybe I had broken her. Maybe this was how she was choosing to cope with the indelible horrors I'd etched in her psyche. 

But no. 

She was not only unfazed by the story - it had awakened a hunger in her.  She experienced the scariest story in the world and she loved it.  And she would not be content until she had mined my brain for every terrifying snippet it was capable of producing.  I had to make up more stories to tell her. Scarier stories.  Stories with more blood.  Everything became a potential subject for a story. Tell me one about lawn mowers, she'd say. And I'd have to come up with a story about a sentient, homicidal lawn mower. 

I had created a monster.