The 2010 Tigers...In Bad Poetry Form

It started with hope
The Tigers’ season Twenty-Ten
But here we are now
All disappointed again

An offseason trade
Saw us lose Grandy and EJax
And new heroes arrived
Austin Jackson and Mad Max

Early injuries hit
Losing Zach Miner and Bob Seay
But free agency brings
Valverde and Johnny D

Questions are asked:
Will it be Dontrelle or Nate?
Is Bondo now healthy?
And will Gerald Laird hit his weight?

Which Maggs will show up?
Was giving Sizemore the job wise?
Is Kid Rick for real?
And what happened to the black guys?

Spring started out fine
Traded Nate Robertson away
Then JV pitched well
And we won on Opening Day

Starting pitching was weak
As April moved on towards May
But our mohawk clad pen
Always seemed to save the day

Damon hits a walk off
AJax makes fans say, “Curtis who?”
And then Carlos goes down
With his first major boo boo

Then Motown would weep
As Ernie Harwell passed away
The greatest of all time
Nothing else needed to say

We get swept by the Twins
But we’re still in the race
This Boesch kid’s damn good
And Justin’s pitching like an ace

Carlos at second base
Max and Sizemore have back luck
And who’s this Don Kelly?
Holy crap, does he suck

Scherzer comes storming back
Strikes out 14 Oakland A’s
And Valverde’s dancing
Has Comerica fans in a daze

With too many screw-ups
Dontrelle’s traded out of town
And Miguel Cabrera
Is headed toward Triple Crown

Armando then gets
His fifteen minutes of fame
As ump Jim Joyce robs him
Of baseball’s 19th perfect game

Adam Everett’s released
Tigers kick ass in interleague
But Jim Leyland’s strange lineups
Are giving many fans fatigue

The All Stars are named
Miguel, Valverde, and JV
And down to the Mud Hens
An ineffective Fu-Te Ni

The pen takes a hit
And Lynn Henning sheds a tear
Joel Zumaya’s arm explodes
And sends him out for the year

We flirt with first place
As the trade deadline does pend
But then we are hit
With the beginning of the end

First Maggs breaks his leg
Los injured again makes us cringe
Then we all facepalmed
As the DL would claim Inge

In just two weeks time
The season was stole from us
From head of the pack
Sent to the back of the bus

A barren Triple A
Sees the debut of Will Rhymes
Then Matt Garza’s no-hitter
Marked this the worst of the times

Jhonny Peralta
For some reason comes in a trade
Too little, too late
As the Tigers continue to fade

Brandon then gets healthy
But now Boesch can’t buy a hit
Cabrera’s still bashing
But everyone else plays like sh-t

Some waiver wire drama
Damon says no to the Sawx
Is he really that loyal?
Or just real sly like a fox?

Then late season hope
Beat up on Cleveland and KC
But road woes continue
And end winning hopes for the D

Third place now we sit
But fans, remember, don’t fear
Just a couple more months
And we can focus on next year

Yeah, I’m running low on ideas. Bite me. Hey, it’s better than my original one:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don Kelly sucks
And Brad Thomas does, too


Cuddled Back to Life ...

~~~ ~~~ ~~This wee baby is called Jamie Ogg ...

Hi Folks,

It's not often when you listen to the morning news that you hear a good news story, but this morning there really was one ...... It is one of these amazing true stories that makes your heart swell and it sets you up for the day - Enjoy !

It was the final chance to say goodbye for grieving mother Kate Ogg after doctors gave up hope of saving her premature baby. She tearfully told her lifeless son - born at 27 weeks weighing only 2 lb. how much she loved him and cuddled him tightly, not wanting to let him go. Although little Jamie's twin sister Emily had been delivered successfully, doctors had given Mrs. Ogg the news all mothers dread - that after 20 minutes of battling to get her son to breathe, they had declared him dead.

Having given up on a miracle, Mrs. Ogg unwrapped the baby from his blanket and held him against her skin. Then an extraordinary thing happened. After two hours of being hugged, touched and spoken to be his mother, the little boy began showing signs of life. At first, it was just a gasp for air that was dismissed by doctors as a reflex action. But then the startled mother fed him a little breast milk on her finger and he started breathing normally.

I thought "Oh my God, what's going on" ? said Mrs Ogg. A short time later he opened his eyes. It was a miracle. Then he held out his hand and grabbed my finger. He opened his eyes and moved his head from side to side. The doctor kept shaking his head saying "I don't believe it, I don't believe it"..

The Australian mother spoke publicly for the first time yesterday to highlight the importance of skin-on-skin care for sick babies, which is being used at an increasing number of British hospitals . In most cases, babies are rushed off to intensive care if there is a serious problem during the birth. But the 'kangaroo care' technique, named after the way kangaroos hold their young in a pouch next to their bodies, allows the mother to act as a human incubator to keep babies warm, stimulated and fed. Pre-term and low birth-weight babies treated with the skin-to-skin method have also been shown to have lower infection rates, less severe illness, improved sleep patterns and are at reduced rist of hypothermia.

Mrs Ogg and her husband David told how doctors gave up on saving their son after a three-hour labour in a Sydney hospital in March. "The doctor asked me had we chosen a name for our son' said Mrs. Ogg. I said "Jamie" and he turned around with my son already wrapped up and said "We've lost Jamie, he didn't make it, sorry".

"It was the worst feeling I've ever felt, I unwrapped Jamie from his blanket. He was very limp. I took my gown off and arranged him on my chest with his head over my arm and just held him. He wasn't moving at all and we just started talking to him. We told him what his name was and that he had a sister. We told him the things we wanted to do with hm throughout his life. Jamie occasionally gasped for air, which doctors said was a reflex action. But then I felt him move as if he were startled then he started gasping more and more regularly. I gave Jamie some breast milk on my finger, he took it and started regular breathing'.

Mrs. Ogg held her son, now five months old and fully recovered as she spoke on the Australian TV show Today Tonight. Her husband added "Luckily I've got a very strong, very smart wife. She instinctively did what she did. If she hadn't done that, Jamie probably wouldn't be here".

Now how's that for an incredibly happy outcome....

Love from Scotland and from me, Kate xxx.

Our Hero Joins His Fourth Team This Year

The whole blog title of "DesigNate Robertson" was done as kind of a joke.  I never thought it would ring true over and over and over...

Our Hero started the season with Detroit.  In the spring, they decided that Dontrelle Willis was the safer bet (ha!) and shipped him off to Florida for one of Dave Dombrowski's not-so-secret fetishes, the left-handed reliever, Jay Voss.  In Florida, Nate put up a record of 6-8 with a 5.47 ERA and ERA+ of 76.  That sucked enough for him to be DFA'd by the Fish.

He was then picked up by the St. Louis Cardinals.  The Redbirds have a good history in helping pitchers to rediscover their old forms when a guy is down and out.  Sadly for Robertson, in 20 innings for the Cards' AAA team, he was 2-1 and an ERA of 9.45.  Yikes.  The Cards said the same thing and let him go.

The Philadelphia Phillies are the latest team to attempt to give a home to the Patron Saint of this humble little blog.  He has signed a minor league deal with them the other day and will report to their AAA team.  I, as always, wish him luck.

We are paying this man $9.6 million this year to attempt to play for every NL minor league team within the same calendar year.  How does Double D sleep at night?

Fire waterfall and Railroad Tracks...

~ ~~~

Hi Folks,

A rare sight!! Yosemite National Park, California , USA

This park was gazetted as a national park in 1890. It is world famous for its rugged terrain, waterfall and century-old pine trees. It covers 1200 sq km and the "fire" waterfall of El Capitan is one of the most spectacular of all scenery. The spectacular view of the waterfall is created by the reflection of sunlight hitting the falling water at a specific angle. This rare sight can only be seen at a 2-week period towards the end of Feburary. To photograph this rare event, photographers would often have to wait and endure years of patience in order to capture them. The reason is because its appearance depend on a few natural phenomenons occuring at the same time and luck.

1st, Is the formation of the waterfall - The water is formed by the melting of snow and ice at the top of the mountain. It melts between the month of December and January and by the end of February there might not have much snow left to melt.

2nd, is the specific angle of the sunray hitting the falling water - The sun's position must be exactly at a particular spot in the sky. This occurs only in the month of February and at the short hours of dusk. If it is a day full of clouds or something blocking the sun, you can only take pictures of your own sorry faces on the waterfall. It coincides with the fact that the weather in theNational Park at that time of the year is often volatile and unpredictable. It compounds the difficulty of getting these pictures.Someone did !!! And we all get to see it !!!

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Railroad tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.
Now, the twist to the story: When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah The engineers
who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything...
and you could say that the 'Current' Horses Asses in Washington are controlling everything else ......

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.

Dan Shaughnessy is an Idiot

Out of everyone in the Boston media, there is no one more recognizable than Dan Shaughnessy. He’s the originator of the whole “Curse” nonsense, you know. He likes to promote himself and he has really, REALLY bad hair, though he doesn’t seem to realize it. He thinks he’s funny, though he rarely is. He thinks he’s a big deal, though he really isn’t. He is the quintessential modern Red Sox fan, when you think about it. And he can’t BELIEVE that Johnny Damon isn’t foaming at the mouth at the chance to return to the ESPN Boston Red SAWX Nation!

Dan, keep it good and I won’t get medieval on you.

So it’s official: He really is an idiot.

Well, that didn’t take long.

/gloves come off after the jump

I say this with no malice and all due respect.

Of course not. Not you. By the way, you are a c-cksucker. No malice or disrespect meant.

“Idiot,’’ you must remember, was the title of Johnny Damon’s 2005 best-selling autobiography (a work often compared with Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina’’ and Dostoevsky’s “Notes From the Underground’’).

“The Curse of the Bambino” and “Reversing the Curse”, you must remember, were the titles of Dan Shaughnessy’s books where he gave real sports journalists a bad name with his babbling, self-serving nonsense and are often compared to toilet paper and “Mein Kampf”.

After the SAWX’s miracle 2004 comeback and World Series victory, with my Tigers in a constant state of suck, I had become fascinated with the Sox. I felt so happy for their long tortured fanbase, especially after their comeback against the Yankees. I purchased both “Idiot” and “Reversing the Curse”, as well as “Now I Can Die in Peace”, by Bill Simmons, and “Faithful”, by Stephen King and Stewart O’Nan. (I still highly recommend “Faithful” if you happen to see it in a bookstore.)

Then a sad thing happened. Since 2004, Boston fans have turned into bigger classless, loudmouthed, racist, entitled, jerkoff douchebag fans than Yankee fans ever were. Hypocrisy at its finest.

Johnny famously labeled the 2004 Red Sox champions “Idiots.’’ In Johnny’s world, “idiot’’ is a term of endearment.

That was a hell of a lot better than Kevin Millar’s “Cowboy Up” theme from the year before. Millar, unlike Damon, is still loved by Sawx fans despite bolting for division rivals Baltimore and Toronto after the ’04 season. “Anyone but da Yanks!”

Boston fans have incredible penis envy when it comes to New York…

That said, his decision to stay with the Tigers is downright idiotic . . . or there is some larger force at work.

Like…SATAN? Or...A CURSE?  Nooooooo! 

Indeed…why would ANYONE want to be in Detroit? It’s not nearly as cosmopolitan as Beantown! They don’t even show Tiger highlights on ESPN! WTF?

I keep playing this out in my head, and none of it makes any sense.

Other things that don’t make sense to Danny Boy:

Why does Bahbby Ryan have a hold on the premier Boston whor-ahs?

Why won’t Tahmmy Brady let me touch it…just once?

Why does my-ah fahkin’ employer insist that I be nice to the dahkies? Those people can’t read!

Why hasn’t Brian Scalabrine gotten more floor-ah time for the Celtics? He’s the hawrt and soul of the team!

Why isn’t Wes Welkah ranked highah than’a dat dahkie Randy Moss on wide receivah fantasy projections? Welkah is Gawd!

Why would Damon want to stay with the moribund Tigers when he had a chance to join the Red Sox for 5 1/2 weeks of stretch-run fun?

Especially with the, oh-so-wonderful, Boston media! You know…the kind of folks that had the balls to criticize Ted Williams, the greatest hitter ever, every day when he played?

Why try to keep hitting at cavernous Comerica Park when he could return to friendly Fenway?

Owa rats are biggah than your-ah rats!

Why play games that don’t matter when you can play games that still matter?

Sawx are done, dummy. You aren’t catching the Yankees or Rays. The Tigers have a better chance of catching the Twins in the Central. Hell, the Royals have a better chance of making the playoffs than Boston does.

It really makes me wonder how bad things got for him in Boston at the end, when he was negotiating for a new contract after the 2005 season.

You were there, weren’t you, Mr. Inside-dah? No one in their right mind would want to return to your ignorant fanbase the way they treated Damon.

Were the Sox that insulting?

First championship in 250 years. Plenty of cash around. Offer $12 million LESS than the Yankees did to the catalyst of your lineup. That’s pretty insulting.

Did they look Damon in the eye and tell him that they thought Coco Crisp was a better player?

Jahnny, the DAHKIE is-ah bettah than you! No one denies this!

Did John Henry, Tom Werner, and Larry Lucchino tell Damon he was lucky when he hit those two homers in Game 7 of the ALCS at Yankee Stadium? Did Shonda Schilling say something insulting about Michelle Damon’s scarves?

Actually, those c-nts supposedly really don’t like each other, now that you mention it.

Think about it: For the next five weeks, you could live in downtown Boston and your wife could shop on Newbury Street. Or you could live in downtown Detroit, amid the boarded-up buildings and the proverbial skeleton frames of burned-out Chevrolets. Is this really a tough call?

And there you go. What person in there right mind could read this without hoping that Shaughnessy somehow gets stuck with an AIDS-infected needle? What a f-cking asshole.

Really. Why wouldn’t Damon come back to Boston?

You tell me, you f-cking elitist prick.

Could it have been the booing? Let’s hope not, but if it was the booing that turned Damon off to Boston, then childish Sox fans get what they deserve. It was inane to boo a player who played 100 percent every day, delivered key hits in most of the big games at the end, and almost killed himself in service to the Red Sox when he collided with Damian Jackson during the 2003 ALDS.

It’s a shame that you lost me a while ago, because you finally just said something that makes sense.

Dan spends the next eight paragraphs kissing Johnny’s ass. Too little too late. I move on to the end…

Damon’s decision to eschew Boston hurts the Red Sox on and off the field. And we may never know the real reason.

Red Sox fans don’t deserve Johnny Damon. Despite his association with the anti-christ, Scott Boras, JD is known around the league as one of the nicest guys in baseball and an wonderful teammate. Even the jaded New York fans gave him a standing ovation upon his return to Yankee Stadium in a Detroit uniform.

Meanwhile, the Boston mouth-breathers booed him unmercifully after his return in 2005.

"Boo! New shirt! Traitor! Never mind our team’s lowball offer!”

And today, Johnny Damon is a very rich man. Johnny Damon has won multiple World Championships. All he has left is to play where he his happy. In Detroit, he’s looked up to by his young teammates like he’s a God. The fans have come to appreciate his hard play, ability to get on base, and team leadership. He’s playing for the most laid back, “player manager” in baseball today. The media, while annoying at times, are not the elitist pricks that you see in Boston and New York.

Johnny Damon is happy. He’s near the end of his career and after years under the microscope in Yankee-land and Red Sox Nation, he can finally just be himself and have fun. Why in the world would anyone, let alone Johnny Damon, give all of that up if he didn’t have to?

F-ck Boston. And f-ck you, too, Dan.

Defending My Irrational Love For You-Know-Who

Whenever I end up in a group of people talking about Tiger baseball, the question inevitably comes up. “So, who’s your favorite Tiger of all time?”

I hate this question. I don’t hate it because I find it difficult to decide. I don’t hate it because I’m a private person that guards my baseball secrets. And I don’t hate it because I generally dislike conversation with people (which is kinda true).

I hate it because my favorite player of all time is Bobby Higginson. Nine times out of ten, my answer is met with a roll of the eyes, a smart alec comment, or a blank stare. “Bobby Higginson” has become a name that no longer means what is good about the Detroit Tigers baseball club. It’s now a term that is used as a punch line on sports talk radio and in bar conversations.

In less than a decade, people have forgotten what Bobby once met to the city of Detroit and its fans. And furthermore, they don’t even care.

And it drives me insane.

“Bobby Higginson was overpaid.”

At the end, Higgy was quite overpaid for what little he was able to contribute to the team. From 2003-2005, the Tigers paid Higginson almost $30 million for three seasons where he delivered a batting average no higher than .246 and 26 total home runs. 2005, in particular, was hard to swallow for many Tiger fans as Bobby was limited to ten ballgames, hit .077, and was forced to retire from the game due to injury. People had already been calling for his head at this point as a young Marcus Thames was being held back in Toledo to keep the aging, slumping Higginson on the roster.

What people tend to forget now, though, is that throughout Higginson’s younger years, he (like many players) was quite underpaid for the numbers he put up. 1996 and 1997 saw Bobby put up OPS+ numbers of 145 and 133 while making $170,000 and $375,000. He made $4.4 million in 2000. That’s not bad for a guy that became one of only 19 men in baseball history to hit .300, score over 100 runs, hit 30 home runs, hit 44 doubles, drive in over 100 RBI, and steal 15 bases in the same season. 2000 also saw him lead all left fielders in putouts and assists. He would repeat in both categories in 2001.

Overall, I hate when people complain about a player due to his salary. Would you turn down that kind of money when you’re near the end of your playing days and trying to plan you and your family’s future? Would you have turned down the money thrown at Jeremy Bonderman, Nate Robertson, or Dontrelle Willis? Heck no, you wouldn’t have. If you want to be angry about stuff like that, save it for the GM that threw the cash away. Be happy for the player put himself in a position to make the kind of money that we could only dream of.

“Bobby Higginson was a jerk.”

There’s all sorts of stories out there about Bobby not being a nice guy. You can read about him fighting with teammates, management, flight attendants, fans, and probably that singing hot dog vendor yahoo at Comerica if you looked hard enough. I can’t count the amount of times I saw Higginson mouth the “f” word while on the field. In fact, when Robert Fick was on the team, I used to refer to them as "Fick and F-ck". He rarely smiled and never came off as a “good guy” like more current favorites like Brandon Inge, Magglio Ordonez, or the recently departed Curtis Granderson.

And you know what? Who cares? The man was as intense on the field as anyone I’ve had the pleasure of watching in a Tiger uniform. He wanted to win and wanted to do whatever he had to in order to get the job done. (More on that in a minute.) Bobby Higginson was a terror for opposing teams during his peak and was the only consistent offensive threat in the Tiger lineup for around a decade.

But if you insist on looking for those nasty Higgy stories, check out a couple more for me. Read about how he would take his bat after batting practice and walk over to a kid in the stands and hand it over. Read about the wink and a wave he would, from time to time, give to fans in the outfield calling his name. And especially read about how he took out full page ads in both Detroit major papers thanking the fans once he realized his career was over. He might have been a jerk at times, but he showed more class at the end than many of the fans did.

“Bobby Higginson was a loser.”

During Bobby’s playing days (1995-2005), the most games the Tigers won were 79. Eleven long years and the team never even broke .500. To many, they like to shoulder a lot of the blame on Higginson, who was the centerpiece of the Tiger linup for the majority of these seasons.  It didn't help that the first full year without him, the Tigers went to the World Series.

The people that like to make this argument make me feel like I’m getting a brain tumor. Baseball, more than perhaps any other sport, is a team sport. One player cannot decide the fate of a baseball team. Was it Higginson that was responsible for the miserable pitching Detroit fans were subjected to for over a decade? Is Bobby to blame for the fact that the best players his supporting cast would see in eleven years were immortals like Tony Clark, Damian Easley, and Dean Palmer?

This is the same kind of argument that is going to cost Miguel Cabrera the MVP award this year. I heard the following on ESPN radio the other night. They were talking about the AL MVP race and the commentator (whose name escapes me right now) was saying that despite Cabrera’s superior numbers, he has Robinson Cano and Josh Hamilton ranked ahead of him due to their teams’ records. If anything, putting up amazing numbers on a losing team with little support makes guys like Cabrera and Higginson look even MORE like superstars in my eyes. I just don’t get it.

“How could Bobby Higginson be your favorite player?”

Everyone is different. I make fun of Brandon Inge fans all the time. But I get why they like the guy. More power to them, but he’s just not what I look for in a baseball player. As a kid, Kirk Gibson and Alan Trammell were my heroes. I hardly think I’m alone there. But it was in my late teens to my early twenties that I really began to appreciate and love Major League Baseball. And that’s when I started watching every Tiger game and got to see Bobby Higginson play every day. He was the best player on some awful teams and his struggle became something that I could get behind. Bobby was an underdog, in my eyes, and I just wanted to see his efforts pay off, even just once.

If I haven’t completely bored you yet, in closing, here’s a couple of moments in Bobby’s career that I will never forget.

September 27, 1998: Roy Halladay has a no-hitter going with two outs in the 9th against the Tigers. It is broken up by a home run by Bobby Higginson. Awesome.

1998-2000: In six consecutive games that I attend in Detroit, Higginson hits home runs in each game. The seventh, he doesn’t hit one. But he does homer again in the eighth and ninth games I attend. We had a special bond, you see. If I had season tickets, he would have won an MVP.

Date I Can’t Remember, Early 2000’s: A buddy of mine and I aren’t speaking over some nonsense with a girl. I know…shut up. Anyway, I go to my local hangout to watch the Tiger game. Who is sitting on the other side of the bar? My estranged friend. We sit through the entire game without a word spoken between us. The Tigers are trailing in the bottom of the 9th and who comes up with a chance to win it? Bobby Higginson, that’s who. And sure enough, Higgy hits a walk off homer to win it. Both my friend and I jump up screaming, look at each other, and run over and hug each other like nothing ever happened. We’ve remained good friends ever since. Thanks, Bobby.

August 17 and 19, 2004: The end is near. I’ve been hearing it from everyone on how Higginson is done with. He’s toward the end of his final full season and it’s been a struggle. The Tigers are in Chicago in the middle of another losing season. Bobby remains in the lineup with people hating on him, but in these two games, he would have his last hurrah. Each game would see Bobby hit two home runs against White Sox pitching. I can remember him after his second in one of the games rounding the bases and pointing into the Tiger dugout as if to say “I told you so”. I was in my glory going nuts yelling “he’s back” and making ridiculous predictions for Bobby’s comeback. He would hit three more homers the rest of his career.

April 10, 2005: Goodbye. The Tigers are trailing the Indians 7-6 in the bottom of the ninth. The tying run reaches base and there are two outs. The injured Higginson comes to the plate as the winning run. I begin going bananas in the outfield bleachers, bargaining with God or whoever for one last Bobby walk off. The friend from the earlier story is with me doing the same. However, the God of Baseball was not taking requests this day as Bobby, like the Mighty Casey before him, would strike out to end the game. It was the last time I ever saw him play in person. He would only play in six more games period after this.

So, that’s my Higginson stuff. To me, Bobby’s always going to be on my personal Detroit Tiger Mount Rushmore along with Gibby, Tram, and Magglio. But Bobby remains special to me and whenever people continue to ask me who my Tiger is, no matter how much I might not want to answer, the response will continue to be “Bobby Higginson”.

I remember Bobby Higginson. And I’ll always care.

Positive Words ...

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Hi Folks,

'Smillie' used to be my name for over 23 years and I always liked these wee 'smileys' so when I found this story on positivity on the 'net recently it appealed to me, I hope you also enjoy it ...

"When I approached the bus stop, positive words were the last thing I wanted to hear. The day had not started well - my old car would not start, I was late as it was and now I had to use the bus. Taxi, you say? I could barely make ends meet after losing my job so I was not going to use any extra money if I could avoid it. And to top it off I felt how the wind was messing up my well done hair. Obviously the universe had decided otherwise.

I could see her from afar. A chirpy looking old lady. You know the type: looking at the rain like it was something wonderful, humming a little tune and starting up a conversation. Gosh, I certainly did not wish to meet such a person. They always pushed their nose to someone else's business. But what could I do? She had obviously noticed me already and was beaming at me from under her umbrella. I tried to look like I was deep in my thoughts, maybe she would ignore me. - A very good morning! her positive words made me sigh. - Morning… I managed to say. She was elderly, after all, and my parents had taught me respect for older people.-

A bit of a rainy day! she smiled.- Oh yes, awful weather! I said, trying to keep the conversation short.- Well, I have always enjoyed rainy weather! the old lady said. I looked at the road, hoping the bus would arrive already. I said nothing, just nodded.- I mean just look at the lovely umbrellas!- The… what?- The umbrellas! I just love the different colours and designs. You wouldn't see them if it never rained! I especially love the ones that have positive words written on them. Yes, you would… I thought but tried to smile at her politely. I noticed her own umbrella. "What a lovely day" it said. - I see you have positive words on your own umbrella too, I commented when the silence was getting a bit awkward.

Where was that bus? - Oh yes! She smiled and looked up at her umbrella, - I bought after the most embarrassing experience of my life. She giggled at some fun memory. I did not know should I ask her or not, but now she was smiling broadly at me. - Oh…? I had to admit I was curious. - Well, you see I used to be a consultant. My speciality was positive thinking. I trained personnel in companies of different sizes. Positive words especially was what I emphasized in my training. I must have looked a bit baffled. - Many people don´t pay attention how much the words they use affect their emotions. If you use negative words, you are bound to feel more negative than if you use positive words. For example when you say "I hate red cars" when you could say "I like blue cars." Concentrate with positive words on what you like instead of what you don´t like.

Mostly it is just a habit we´ve never noticed. I nodded. - But back to my most embarrassing moment. I was invited to address a big audience of a very large corporation. It was quite a thing - women consultants were not taken so seriously back then. I had worked on the presentation for weeks to get it right. I was ready. And to make myself look trustworthy I had bought a new suit - in a hurry. The skirt was a bit loose, but the jacket fit well. I took a deep breath and walked on the stage. And right when I was about to reach the centre of the stage, it happened. I suddenly felt the zipper open - and my skirt fell to my ankles. - Oh my God! I said. - That´s what I thought too, she laughed,- There I was, a consultant that was supposed to talk about positive words to an audience that was staring at me, with my skirt around my ankles. -

What did you do? I asked. - Well. This was a do it or die -kind of situation. I had to take it under control. She giggled. - I don´t know where the idea came. I turned my head and looked at the audience that was totally silent. "Got your attention, didn´t I?" I asked. There were a few laughs in the audience. "And you are certain the Positive Words consultant just cannot come up with any positive words about this kind of a situation, aren´t you?" This time someone said "I´d like to see you try!" The old lady was wiping tears of mirth from her cheeks now. - Well, I looked at the audience and said: "The positive words about this situation are: Now I know what the most embarrassing moment of my life is like. I have now experienced it and from now on I don´t have to be afraid of anything." - What did they say? I wanted to know. - They applauded. And I have to say my lecture for positive words has never had such an attentive audience as that one. After I had pulled my skirt up, that is. I had to laugh. I saw the whole thing in my mind´s eye. - Good! the old lady said and took a little notebook from her pocket.

We were standing right next to each other so I saw what it was she was doing. It was a tiny diary. And there was nothing but small smiley faces she had drawn there. While I watched, she used the tiny pen attached to the diary and drew one more. - What´s that? I asked as she clearly made no attempt to hide what she was doing. - This is my positive words diary, she said. - But… There are no words, just those little smileys there - Exactly. This is a diary where I follow the effect of my positive words. When I see someone who is obviously feeling low - and trust me, dear, you were looking like that - I will try to say something that will make them smile. A little smile goes a long way in cheering up someone. When I succeed, I draw a little smile here. Look! She handed me her diary. I noticed she had written on the cover "Positive words" and a smiley. The whole diary was full of tiny smiling faces. - You have made this many people smile this year? I asked, leafing through the diary, - But here are… hundreds… thousands…? - Oh yes. You see I have no family left and thought I´d rather spend my golden years spreading some smiles instead of sitting indoors. I have to admit I am a bit selfish - I don´t do this only because it makes others feel better. I do it because it makes me feel good.

The bus approached. I waved at it and gave way for the old lady to step in, but she shook her head. - No, no, dear. I am not going into the bus. I´ll just continue my way. I saw her walking under her bright blue umbrella. "What a lovely day!" the umbrella said. Then the bus turned and she disappeared from view. I looked at the scenery, deep in my thoughts. I felt the eyes looking at me from across the isle. A little girl was sitting there with her mom. She was holding a much worn rag doll and it was obvious the mother could not afford to buy the finest toys. Her mom smiled at me, seeing her daughter looking at me.- What a lovely doll you have! I am sure I have never seen such a pretty doll! I said to the child. She looked at her rag doll, then at me - and the most wonderful smile I have ever seen spread on her face. - Look, Mommy! The lady said my doll is beautiful! she lifted the doll up in the air. The mother smiled back at me. I reached for my bag and took out my appointment book. I opened that day´s page and carefully drew two smiling faces. "

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.

This comic was inspired by an experience I had a few night ago. I was pulling into the parking lot of Safeway when I saw one of those gratuitously bright shooting stars. I tried to think of a really good wish, but the shooting star had surprised me and I didn't really have any good wishes on deck, so I wished for the first semi-intelligible thing that came to mind: for the rest of my life to be totally awesome.

As soon as that ham-fisted jumble of words left my mouth, I immediately started thinking of all the ways my wish could backfire and how the phrase "I wish that the rest of my life is totally awesome" could be misinterpreted and taken out of context and turned around to cause me great misery. I silently berated myself for not choosing my words more carefully. I could have used this opportunity to secure a bright and wonderful future for myself, but no, I was stupid and just blurted out the first dumb thing to barge into my head and I'd wasted my wish and possibly also earned myself an untimely death or a crippling brain injury.

Then I realized that I was sitting in a Safeway parking lot, consumed by anxiety over whether some fictional being that grants wishes was going to screw me out of my wish through a technical loophole involving death, brain damage or prolonged unconsciousness.

It made me feel slightly uncomfortable that I'm the person making all the decisions about my life.

Anyway, I'm sometimes reluctant to post short comics, but I should probably get over that because I love to draw them and it gives you guys something to read while I'm working on the longer comics. Oh, and you may have noticed that I changed my banner, sidebar and buttons. At first I just wanted to mess with the post column width so that three-panel comics like this one would fit, but I got carried away.

Reminder To All: Will Rhymes Sucks

During  today’s four-for-five performance, I received texts from a couple of people about Will Rhymes (pictured above on the far left).  “He’s trying to win you over.”  “Your boy doesn’t look too bad, haha.”  In fact, since his recall from Toledo after Carlos Guillen’s latest boo boo, Will “The Thrill” has gone eight-for-seventeen for the Tigers.  I even conceded that he might not be as bad as I thought in one text.
Then, I remembered that we were playing the Indians, perhaps the only team in the American League featuring more border line major leaguers than Detroit.  I remembered that Cleveland has had guys pitching this series that even Don Kelly has been feasting on.  And I remembered that I’m not a f-cking moron.  Nice try, though.
Will Rhymes has had 72 major league plate appearances.  Small sample size, I know (pun intended).  But in those plate appearances, he has an OBP of .314, an OPS of .663, an OPS+ of 78 (100 is average), a WAR of -0.1, and 4 walks.  Wait…four walks?  The guy has a strike zone the size of a Hot Pocket and has only drawn four walks?  And this is the guy that every Tiger message board poster and psycho-Inge-fan wants to be our second baseman now?  Am I the only Tiger fan in the world that cares about winning baseball games?
He’s not a horrible baseball player.  But he’ll be 27 by Opening Day in 2011.  He is below average and is not going to improve.  And what of Scott Sizemore?  Remember him?  The guy that hit .308 last year between AA and AAA with 17 homers, a .389 OBP, and .889 OPS?  The guy that struggled with the big club early in 2010, but has responded back in AAA by hitting .293 with 8 homers and an .837 OPS?  Why are we dealing with a guy smaller than the bat boy slap-hitting and needlessly bunting balls around instead of getting a look at our real future second baseman?
And for the love of everything that is holy, good, and not EVER describe Will Rhymes to me ever again as scrappy, gutsy, gritty, pesky, a sparkplug, a throwback, a hustler, a grinder, a gamer, a guy that’s 155 pounds (most of it heart), a guy that does the little things, a guy that gets the most out of the least, a guy with moxie, or a guy with spunk.  If you do, I will throw back my gritty spunk in your face after reading Hustler.
To me, he’s another in a long line of light-hitting, white, cookie-cutter, mediocre AAAA players that Dave Dombrowski keeps cloning and sending up to the big club in an attempt to drive me crazy. 
Except from now on, I will be referring to this one as Tinkerbell.  Ha.
Sigh.  I miss Magglio.  I can't even enjoy wins anymore.

Heartwarming Tale / Lightning Talk / Pope's Funnie...

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Hi Folks,

As a cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas a doctor walked into the small hospital room of Diana Blessing. She was still groggy from surgery. Her husband, David, held her hand as they braced themselves for the latest news. That afternoon of March 10, 1991, complications had forced Diana, only 24-weeks pregnant, to undergo an emergency Cesarean to deliver couple's new daughter, Dana Lu Blessing. At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine ounces, they already knew she was perilously premature. Still, the doctor's soft words dropped like bombs. 'I don't think she's going to make it,' he said, as kindly as he could. 'There's only a 10-percent chance she will live through the night, and even then, if by some slim chance she does make it, her future could be a very cruel one'

Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor described the devastating problems Dana would likely face if she survived. She would never walk, she would never talk, she would probably be blind, and she would certainly be prone to other catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental retardation, and on and on. Within a matter of hours, that dream was slipping away . But as those first days passed, a new agony set in for David and Diana. Because Dana's underdeveloped nervous system was essentially 'raw', the lightest kiss or caress only intensified her discomfort, so they couldn't even cradle their tiny baby girl against their chests to offer some comfort.

All they could do, as Dana struggled alone beneath the ultraviolet light in the tangle of tubes and wires, was to pray that God would stay close to their precious little girl. There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger. But as the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of weight here and an ounce of strength there. At last, when Dana turned two months old. her parents were able to hold her in their arms for the very first time. And two months later, though doctors continued to gently but grimly warn that her chances of surviving, much less living any kind of normal life, were next to zero, Dana went home from the hospital.

Five years later, when Dana was a petite but feisty young girl with glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for life. She showed no signs whatsoever of any mental or physical impairment. Simply, she was everything a little girl can be and more. But that happy ending is far from the end of her story. One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her home in Irving , Texas , Dana was sitting in her mother's lap in the bleachers of a local ball park where her brother Dustin's baseball team was practising. As always, Dana was chattering nonstop with her mother and several other adults sitting nearby when she suddenly fell silent . Hugging her arms across her chest, little Dana asked, 'Do you smell that?' Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a thunderstorm, Diana replied, 'Yes, it smells like rain.' Dana closed her eyes and again asked, 'Do you smell that?'

Once again, her mother replied, 'Yes, I think we're about to get wet. It smells like rain.' Still caught in the moment, Dana shook her head, patted her thin shoulders with her small hands and loudly announced, 'No, it smells like Him. It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest.' Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Dana happily hopped down to play with the other children.
Before the rains came, her daughter's words confirmed what Diana and all the members of the extended Blessing family had known, at least in their hearts, all along.

During those long days and nights of her first two months of her life, when her nerves were too sensitive for them to touch her, God was holding Dana on His chest and it is His loving scent that she remembers so well.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~
I checked out the above details on Snopes and it is listed as being true...
Another comment I came across related this next wee story...

"Soon after her brother was born his 4 year old sister Sachi began to ask her parents to leave her alone with the baby - They worried that like most children of her age she might feel jealous and perhaps want to shake or harm him - so they said no. But she showed no jealousy and always treated the baby with kindness and her pleas became more and more urgent - so they allowed her request .

She went into the baby's room and shut the door- but it opened a crack, her parents peeped in and listened... Sachi put her face close to the baby's and said quietly.. Baby, tell me what God feels like I'm starting to forget " ...........

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

This is a 'soppy' oldie I came across recently - Enjoy ...

A little girl walked to and from school daily.... One morning, though the weather was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her trek to school. By the afternoon the winds had whipped up, along with lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along. At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. Another and another flash of lighting followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light, and smile. When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her, 'What are you doing?'

The child answered, 'I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.'

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

This funnie fairly tickled my 'Glaswegian funny bone' today hehehe ...

The Pope came to visit Glasgow and asked "Is there Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, wee Brendan got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Wee Brendan replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendan’s ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Brendan, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Brendan, how is your hearing now?" Wee Brendan answered, "Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate x.

Keeping Score: Tigers @ Yankees, 8/19/10

Yeah, I’m going to give this a shot today. I’m a glutton for punishment. It’s Rick Porcello vs. Phil Hughes this afternoon. Judging by how the season’s gone so far, I’m predicting a Yankees victory, 96-1. And that’s being conservative.

Weren’t we in first place like a month ago? Baseball is quite frustrating. At least we’re not Pirates fans. Keep reminding yourself of that. Eff it…let’s do this.
/takes two hits of acid
And I’m ready. Let’s go.

-Mario and Rod are rocking the red polo shirts today. Rod pulls it off well. Mario looks more uncomfortable than Jim Joyce at the eye doctor.
-Rod says it’s been an up and down season for Porcello. Did I miss the “up” part when I was away?
-Don Kelly and Will Rhymes are starting today for Detroit. Jim Leyland hates me. And you. I take back that 96-1 prediction. It’ll be a miracle if we get a run off of Hughes today unless they’re dumb enough to throw Cabrera a strike.
-Austin Jackson leads it off for Detroit. He quickly flies out to one of the DNR’s most hated, Nick Swisher, in right field.
-Holy hell…why’s the bat boy up at the plate? Oh, crap…it’s just Rhymes. Why not Sizemore? Have they explained that yet? They should fine Rhymes every time he swings the bat.
-Rhymes singles to left. Well, suck me sideways. He’s still terrible.
-Ryan Raburn is the #3 hitter today. And he tries to bunt. My gawd. Anyway, it goes foul.
-Raburn strikes out. Do a shot every time a Tiger K’s today. Hopefully you’ll pass out before the game’s over.
-Big Mig’s up. How does he have 98 RBI with nothing but dogsh-t around him in the lineup? Oh yeah, he’s amazing. And you know he’s going to get screwed out of the MVP because they insist on giving it to a guy that makes the playoffs. Stupid.
-GONE! M V F-CKING P! To right center, even. I love that man.
-Why does anyone pitch to him? That’s 100 RBI for Cabrera. Unbelievable.
-Johnny Damon’s batting 5th? Whatever. He strikes out looking to end the inning. Hey, we scored! I’m claiming moral victory!
-Brett Gardner leads it off for the Yanks. Porcello is starting for the first time in his career in his hometown. He looks nervous. That should be expected. He is, after all, still only 14 years old.
-Gardner grounds out to Kid Rick. Good start.
-Derek Jeter is up. I wish I had HD so I could see his halo and wings.
-Line drive…caught by Mig. Two quick outs.
-Rick has friends and family in the crowd. His high school baseball coach is there, too. That’s adorable.
-Crazy to think that he was still on that high school team just a couple years ago.
-Mark Teixiera lines out to the midget at second base. A quick first inning out of a Tiger starter? I may have pooped a little, I’m so happy.
-Jhonny Peralta leads it off and promptly singles to right. Him or Inge at third base next year? My answer? Adrian Beltre.
-Speaking of the little bastard, Inge is next up. Mario points out that he’s clean shaven for the Yankee series. Sucking up to Yankee management, Brandon?
-Full count pitch is popped out to right. One down.
-Alex Avila’s next and is also clean shaven. Well, as much as he can be. I expect a full beard by the 7th inning stretch.
-How fast is Peralta? Jorge Posada has a worse arm than Johnny Damon. We should be running every chance we get today. Then again, Jim Leyland hates winning baseball games.
-Hughes is up to 40 pitches already. Another good sign for us?
-Avila hits a double play ball, but Cano and Jeter both bobble it. Somehow, they still got Peralta at second. I guess that answers my speed question.
-Don f’n Kelly is up. He homered yesterday. No word on if hell froze over just yet.
-He grounds out to first. End of inning.
-Wait…now they tell us that Rick was actually born in New Jersey. Why do Jersey folks always claim to be New Yorkers?
-Robbie Cano grounds out to start the inning.
-Nick Swisher’s up. Wow…he’s having quite the year in the Yankee lineup. Can you imagine what Cabrera’s numbers would be in New York? Good gawd.
-Swisher grounds out to Rhymes at second. He dove for the ball when he didn’t really have to. Showoff.
-Posada’s up with two down. Full count and Jorge draws the walk.
-That brings up a guy named Curtis Granderson. Name sounds familiar.
-Nothing like Tiger pitching to wake up CJ’s bat, huh? Sigh…I can’t hate on Granderson. Him, I get the crazy Tiger fan love for. Inge…not so much.
-Three pitch strikeout. Awesome. Rick has good stuff so far.
-AJax leads it off and flies out to Swisher again. Dammit…work the count on Hughes, guys.
-Holy crap…I thought Gary Coleman was dead! Wait, it’s just Rhymes.
-Ha…he singles to right. My tough love is working on the guy. “We see ya, Rhymes”, says Rod. Only if you look down, my friend.
-Raburn’s up. Rod says that Leyland feels that Ryan hits better lower in the lineup. He presses too much when batting ahead of Miguel. Good thing he’s hitting third today. Sigh.
-Raburn flies out.
-Cabrera quickly flies out to Granderson. TAKE PITCHES, YOU PRICKS!
-Austin Kearns is a Yankee? Apparently so, as he leads it off. I think I met him when he was with Cincy during Spring Training years ago. I can’t be sure, though, due to my drinking problem.
-Kearns is called out looking. It was outside, but Avila did a great frame job on the pitch. Rod agrees with me.
-Ramiro Pena is A-Rod’s sub and is up next. Quite the drop off in production there.
-He hits an Armando/Jim Joyce grounder to first…OUT! Wow, that was a close one as Rick almost missed the bag. Pena made the classy move and didn’t run Porcello over…I expect Joe Girardi to fine him for that.
-Gardner’s up with two down. He works the count full and grounds out to second on another close play. Nice job by Rhymes. See? I’m fair. The little dwarf has a good glove.
-They show a Braves/Nats highlight. There is like NO ONE in the stands in Atlanta…during a pennant race! Amazing. What happened to all those a-holes that used to fill that place and do that annoying chop thing?
-Johnny Damon leads it off. It was nice to see that the Yankee fans gave him a nice welcome back the other day. When did the NY fans become the classy ones and the Boston ones become the pricks? Those two World Series titles turned them people into some horrible folks.
-Johnny fouls out to Tex on a juggling circus-type catch. That was awkward.
-Peralta hits one in the gap…CJ and Gardner almost collide, but Granderson makes a great catch. Gardner wiped out something fierce on the play.
-Inge fouls one into the booth and Mario missed it. Even our announcers suck on defense.
-Brandon strikes out because he’s f-cking terrible. Here’s a picture of him sent in to me where he looks like he has AIDS.
-Happy, Rob? Ha.
-Jeter starts it off. So, what would the reaction in NY be if they don’t re-sign him in the offseason? And what’s the over/under on how many million the Yanks will overpay him with?
-Grounder up the middle, but Peralta takes care of it. One down.
-Teixiera singles up the middle and there goes the no-hitter. Damn. And I was hoping we’d make history with this post.
-Cano singles to right. Uh oh. Runners at the corners with one out.
-I Hate Nick Swisher comes up. 3 balls, 0 strikes. Rick’s falling apart.
-Base hit up the middle. I hate Nick Swisher.
-Rick Knapp heads to the mound. “Rick, you’re making your mother cry up in the stands. Knock it off.”
-The guy that used to be Jorge Posada comes up. We need one of those double plays that Rick was so good at inducing last year.
-Fly ball to Kelly in left. Two down.
-Granderson’s up. Sh-t. Base hit up the middle. I hate him…always have. Lynn Henning was right.
-Austin Kearns is next with runners at first and second again. It feels like Porcello’s thrown 70 pitches this inning.
-Kearns flies out to AJax. Phew.
-Random Commercial Thought: Imagine any of Sam Bernstein’s kids having sex. Ha…I’ll be here when you’re done getting sick.
-Welcome back. Alex Avila’s our leadoff man. Heaven help us.
-Alex’s beard is coming in nicely since his last at bat. Sadly, he’s still terrible at hitting a baseball and he strikes out.
-Speaking of being terrible at hitting a baseball, Don Kelly is next. Does he really need to wear those shades while batting? He has a hard enough time seeing the ball without them.
-He grounds out weakly to Cano.
-Jackson comes up with two outs. I wish I had a dollar for every time that’s happened this year.
-And he strikes out. Wish I had a buck for every time THAT’S happened, too.
-Random Commercial Thought: Putting Armando Galarraga in a Rahmani Eye Institute commercial was an interesting choice. He’s the only guy in the world that could sound more wooden than Ben Gordon.
-Pena grounds out to Wee Man for the first out. Little bastard’s been busy out there today.
-Gardner grounds out to, you guessed it, ‘Lil Will, for out number two.
-Jeter comes up as Rod sings along to Derek’s walk-up music. Yikes.
-Groundout to Miguel. Rick needed a quick inning there. I don’t feel like seeing Brad Thomas today.
-Rhymes swings at the first pitch (GODDAMMITTAKEAPITCHYOUMORONS) and flies out to center.
-Remember when Hughes was at 40 pitches early in the game? It’s the 6th, and I think he’s at around 50 now. I hate to constantly sound like a troll, but what exactly do our coaches do?
-Raburn’s next. Tongue hanging out still. They need to talk to him about that.
-Ryan strikes out. Water is wet. Sky is blue.
-Two down for Cabrera. If he sees a strike, Girardi should be fired.
-Pop out to short. Jeter cures cancer and then makes the play.
-That ugly prick Tex leads it off with a walk. Taking pitches…amazing what happens.
-Cano hits one to the gap. Kelly kicks it around and Teixiera scores from first. Cano gets a double.
-Nick Swisher draws a walk. My head hurts. Time to get a AAAA pitcher up in the pen.
-Oh, the rookies are up. Weinhardt and Schlereth. I’m sure that will turn out well.
-Posada’s corpse is up. How about a double play, Rick?
-3-0 pitch is singled to center. Cano scores, Swisher to third.
-Here comes The Marlboro Man. Seeya, Rick. Way to disappoint your family. They never wanted you, you know.
-I’m mean.
-Daniel Schlereth is in to probably walk Granderson. Boy, I was such a “glass half full” guy earlier in the season...amazing how quickly things can change.
-Granderson walks. Man, I hate always being right. Schlereth sucks.
-Cue Uncle Jimbo. Enter Robbie Weinhardt with the bases loaded. Someone hit the ominous music.
-Hey, Robbie has an ERA of 7.79. Good gawd. All of our kittens seem to have worms.
-Porcello is shown in the dugout and looks like he’s near tears. Dinner with the folks is gonna suck tonight.
-Kearns blasts one to center, off the wall. It’s a double and two more score.
-There are still no outs. I’m glad that I don’t own a gun.
-Second and third for Pena. He hits it back to Robbie for an out. Finally.
-Brett Gardner and his douchebag face is up next. Eddie Bonine’s throwing in the pen.
-Ball four gets away from Avila. Granderson scores. Mother of Satan…
-Avila should have had that one. First and third, one out, and Darth Vader is up. He’s the 9th batter so far this inning. My fingers are starting to hurt from typing.
-Gardner steals second on a pitch that Avila had to jump for. They must have quit teaching control to the pitchers in Toledo.
-Stealing with a five run lead? Isn’t that an unwritten rule violation? Bean Jeter!
-Jeter fouls off seventy pitches before tripling to center. F-cking sh-t.
-Enter Bonine. There is still only one out. My limit is 12 runs, kids. If they get that many, then I’m done.
-Nine runs on eight hits. Really?
-Teixeira is up. Leyland has the infield pulled in. What’s the point?
-Tex grounds out to Jhonny at short. Runner holds. Well, good move with the infield, Jim. I was wrong. You still suck.
-Cano launches one…gone to dead center. Come the f-ck on.
-Nine runs this inning. And now Swisher singles to right. This is torture.
-Ground ball by Posada to Rhymes…FINALLY the inning ends. Pass the Rolaids.
-11 runs, 10 hits, and only 4 left on base for New York. Sigh.
-Sergio Mitre is the new Yankee pitcher. Good move by Girardi to rest Hughes’ arm with the game in hand. Take notes on that, Jimbo.
-Johnny Damon leads it off wishing he would have taken the Yankees’ initial offer in the offseason. Johnny has a Yankee-like at bat working the count full and fouling off pitches. Then, he finishes with a Tiger-like at bat by striking out.
-Jhonny Peralta is up. The Yanks have retired twelve straight batters.
-Long drive…GONE! Homer to right center for Peralta. At least someone hasn’t quit yet.
-Inge swings at the first pitch, sigh, but manages to single to left.
-Avila comes up. He appears to be deciding between striking out and hitting into a double play. Yes, I’m getting more and more bitter.
-Fly ball to deep center…Grandy can’t catch it and it’s a double. Inge holds at third. Knees still hurting, Brandon? Jeez…I could have even scored on that.
-Two in scoring position for…Don Kelly. F-cking hell.
-Kerry Wood is up in the pen for New York. How the mighty have fallen.
-3-0 count becomes 3-2. Then Kelly swings and misses, not even close. Two down.
-Every day, thousands of people die. Why can’t Kelly be one of them?
-Too far? Sorry…
-AJax singles to center, Inge scores. Avila holds at third. Love ya, Austin.
-Mini-Larish is up. What was the reasoning behind letting Jeff go and holding on to this squirt again?
-Rhymes pops out to short center. Inning over.
-Raburn has moved to left. Boesch is in right. Kelly’s at first. I can only assume that Cabrera’s too embarrassed to play in this game anymore.
-Peralta has moved to third and Santiago’s at short. Hopefully that means that Brandon just got traded to the Cardinals. Knowing Dombrowski, he may have traded him for Nate Robertson.
-Granderson’s up trying not to laugh at his former team’s situation. He shows mercy and flies out to Jackson.
-Austin Kearns isn’t as nice as CJ and singles up the middle. Let the bleeding resume.
-Ramiro Pena comes up as the only Yankee without a hit. If A-Rod and Berkman were healthy today, the Yankees would have 20 runs by now.
-Pena pops out to third. Two down.
-Gardner’s up. They should hit him for stealing earlier. I’m in the mood for a brawl.
-Groundout to short. Inning over.
-Raburn starts it off for Detroit. Fly ball to deep center…Grandy misses this one, too. Double for Raburn. That’s two straight that CJ’s missed that AJax would’ve caught. I’ll take my moral victories anywhere I can get them.
-Brennan Boesch makes his first appearance today. Actually, he really hasn’t made an appearance since the fist half.
-Base hit to center! Raburn scores. Nice job, Brennan. It’s a shame you couldn’t have started today, but Jim just HAD to get Donnie another start.
-We only have one less hit than the Yanks do today. Amazing.
-JD is up and flies out to left.
-Peralta likes to homer in pairs for us. Let’s see if he can do it again.
-Boone Logan’s up in the Yankee bullpen. Did Wood hurt himself again?
-Grounder to short…double play. Of course. Jhonny’s fitting in well with the team.
-A live shot of Central Park. Sadly, no drug deals or murders are able to be seen.
-Jose Valverde is in for the Tigers. Jim must feel that the team needs another injury.
-Somebody Nunez is making his major league debut for the Yanks pinch hitting for Jeter. Hey, not many guys get to say that.
-Nunez fouls out. Way to screw up a huge moment, kid.
-Teixiera lumbers up to the plate and flies out to Jackson.
-Valverde has a 8.53 ERA in the second half in 11 games. Yikes.
-Cano strikes out. Valverde does his little dance. We head to the ninth.
-Get out your rally caps! I would, but I already burned it in protest of Rhymes and Kelly starting in the same game.
-Brian Cashman and Joe Girardi would be found floating in the East River if they ever had guys like Rhymes and Kelly starting in the same game, no matter how many injuries the team had.
-Hey, the American government is going after Roger Clemens! That seems like something they should be doing instead of, you know, something that’s important.
-Little Ramon gets his first at bat. He draws a walk.
-It just occurred to me…Mitre’s still pitching. If he finishes this one out, he’ll get a save for this game for pitching the final three innings. Another reason why saves are overrated and stupid.
-Avila hits into a double play. He’s terrible.
-And it comes down to Don Kelly. Of course it does…could it have happened any other way?
-He’s not wearing his shades anymore. That means he’s serious.
-Serious or not, he still sucks. Kelly strikes out to end it. F-ck this season.
If you missed this game, consider yourself lucky. Ugly stuff. Bowling shoe ugly.
Seeya around.

The DNR Five Least Favorite Tigers of All Time

I don’t like Will Rhymes (pictured above). He’s terrible at baseball, too old to be considered a “prospect” anymore, and the fact that he was called up to the team this year makes me depressed at how barren our farm system currently is. Yet as I pour through Tiger sites and message boards, I’m astounded at the amount of Tiger fans out there that (seemingly without spell check) are such big supporters of Rhymes and want him on the team. It blows my mind. I get it…he’s tiny and/or “scrappy”. Great. But he sucks at hitting a baseball and we’ve got enough guys that have that ability.

Anyway, it got me thinking about other Tigers over the years that I would have preferred been drowned at birth, rather than grow up to take up space on my favorite baseball team. The team you support is like your family. You usually support them, no matter what. But remember, some animals eat their own young. And there have been several guys wearing the Old English D that I just could not get behind. I have no doubt that many of these guys are wonderful people from a personal standpoint, but their play in the D over the years has caused me to utter “f” words like a deranged sailor with Tourette Syndrome.

I narrowed it down to my top five. But (dis)honorable mention must go to (deep breath) Rhymes, Nate Cornejo, Paul Gibson, Melvin Nieves, Juan Encarnacion, Karim Garcia, Kyle Farnsworth, Felipe Lira, Eric Munson, Gary Knotts, Gary Ward, Neifi Perez, Al Levine, Nook Logan, Chris Gomez, Clete Thomas, Brandon Inge, and yes…Nate Robertson.

But on to the Top (Bottom?) Five…in no particular order after the jump.

Dane Sardinha, Catcher, 2008-2009

Tiger Numbers: .133 Avg, 0 HR, 6 RBI, .346 OPS, -9 OPS+ in 83 plate appearances.

Yes, that’s a negative OPS+. I’ve never even seen that before. Sardinha is, by far, the worst offensive player I’ve ever seen in a Tiger uniform. Or a Mud Hen uniform. Or a Little League uniform. The Hawaiian born former 2nd round pick (really?) of the Reds was okay defensively in limited action for Detroit, but made Gerald Laird look like Johnny Bench at the dish. Thankfully, he was not re-signed after the ’09 season and moved on to the Philadelphia Phillies organization before he could sleep with any more of my friends’ girlfriends. Prick. He also got a DUI during Spring Training down in Florida. Sucks to be him.

/looks around nervously

Fernando Rodney, Relief Pitcher, 2002-2009

Tiger Numbers: 15-30, 70 SV, 4.28 ERA, 105 ERA+, 314 K in 330.0 IP.

No one was happier to see Fernando Rodney sign with the Angels in the offseason than I was. After the roller coaster that Todd Jones was as our closer, you’d have thought that Rodney would have been a breath of fresh air. But, no. Rodney, in my eyes, was much worse. He was the Brandon Inge of the pitching staff. You could see the potential and he would offer glimpses of something greater, but would then implode and look like he had no business being out there. Rodney’s 4.15 ERA and 1.51 WHIP for the Angels this year is hardly making the $5.5 million/year they’re giving him look like a decent deal. Good riddance. And wear your hat straight, you douche.

Don Kelly, Outfield/Third Base, 2009-present

Tiger Numbers: .228 Avg, 2 HR, 15 RBI, .572 OPS, 53 OPS+ in 220 plate appearances.

I hate Don Kelly. I think I may have mentioned that before. And to be honest, I’d probably like the guy if it weren’t for Jim Leyland batting him first, third…anywhere other than ninth. He’s a good defensive utility player. There…I said it. But the guy just can’t hit a baseball to save his life. Meanwhile, Leyland puts him in a position where he is going to fail and it makes me want to drown his entire family in boiling oil. Plus there was that letting the fly ball drop in at the Metrodome last year that made me drink enough booze to kill an elephant that night. Yeah…still haven’t let that one go.

Jason Grilli, Relief Pitcher, 2005-2008

Tiger Numbers: 8-8, 4.31 ERA, 106 ERA+, 108 K in 171.1 IP.

Wow…if you look at Grilli’s career numbers in Detroit, he doesn’t appear to be that bad. But to most Tiger fans, they remember him as a human gas can, especially at home. In 2007, for instance, he had an ERA of 7.96 at Comerica Park, compared to a 1.91 ERA on the road. Upon being traded to the Rockies in ’08, Grilli made unkind comments about the Tiger organization leading to Jim Leyland and I being on the same side for the first time in history, as the skipper made remarks to the effect of “not wanting to hear any weak sh-t from Jason Grilli”. The last I heard on “The Cheese Man” was that he was in the minors for the Cleveland Racist Logos…where he belongs.

Juan Gonzalez, Outfield, 2000

Tiger Numbers: .289 Avg, 22 HR, 67 RBI, .842 OPS, 115 OPS+ in 496 plate appearances.

Is there any Tiger fan out there that has fond memories of the man that was once thought to be the savior of baseball in Detroit? On November 2, 1999, Gonzalez, Danny Patterson, and Gregg Zaun were traded from the Rangers for Alan Webb, Frank Catalanotto, Francisco Cordero, Bill Haselman, Gabe Kapler, and Justin Thompson. “Juan Gone” had been an offensive beast for the Rangers up to that point (AL MVP in ’96 and ’98) and was thought to be the man to lead the Tigers into the new millennium, at least by then-GM, Randy Smith. However he would battle injuries during his lone season in Detroit and made it clear that he wasn’t happy playing in the Motor City. He complained about the ballpark being too big and demanded the fences moved in if the Tigers expected him to stay with the club. Smith reportedly offered Gonzalez an eight year, $140 million contract that THANKFULLY Gonzalez refused to agree to. He moved on to Cleveland in 2001 putting up his final useful season before hanging on another four years with other clubs. F-ck Juan Gonzalez.

That’s it. Let me know if you think I forgot someone. And if you say Bobby Higginson, I hope green warts sprout on your private parts.