A Couple of Days away and the wee Kircudbright centipede..

At the bus stop in Glasgow Bus Station waiting to board ...

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Hi There,

Louis and I went away for a couple of days to Dumfries (pronounced - dumfreess) on a family visit during the week and while there we went on a visit to Kirkcudbright ( pronounced - kirkcoobri) There was a family there catching crabs ...... As can be seen by the above photos Louis actually ' held ' a wee crab in his hands - which is really unbelieveable - as he HATES getting his hands dirty hehehe... (his Dad was the same). It's a good job I got a photo to prove it as his Mum would never have believed it. We had a great time during our break and it was good to have some time visiting my 'wee' sister to catch up with all the gossip.....

I found the following video on the 'net which shows Kirkcudbright and plays the song about the wee Kirkcudbright Centipede ...... Enjoy !

Cheers, Kate xxx.

A New Baby's Worries /Michael Landon Biography / Allyson Dubois...

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Hi Folks,

An Oldie but a Goodie - I found this while doing a random blog search on my site enjoy!

A newborn's conversation with God the night before he/she is born ...... The baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?" God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you." The child further inquired, "Tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy!" God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you and you will feel your angel's love and be very happy." Again the small child asked, "How am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?" God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak." "What am I going to do when I want to talk to you?" God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."
"Who will protect me?" God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life." "I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore." God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you." At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name." God said, You will simply call her " Mum ." Awwwwwww.........

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This video is put here with love from my sister Dorien, I had been checking out some Little House videos along with some of 'my' old blogs (doing it randomly using the random widget). I had been thinking of my sister and had just been reading an old comment from lom about how I should just talk to her whenever I get that weird sensation ... I still miss her so much and several times feel the need to phone her at times .... the next thing was I pressed the button for a random check and the undernoted video came on .... Dorien, like me loved Little House ...

I took it as a message from Dorien, who probably has been enjoying watching over my shoulder while I was on the net . By the way, I came across a book in one of the charity shops the other day written by Allyson Dubois, who was the original profiler helping the police solve cases on their books... The book I have found is really interesting and she seems to be a remarkable young woman .... She has also been behind cases shown in 'The Medium' on TV . The more I have experiences which seem to tie up with Dorien - not coincidences either - the more I feel that there is a lot more to what people say about the truth of 'the other world' and that death is not the end.

Cheers from the land of the Tartan -
and from a pigeon hearted soppy mare called Kate xxx.

Please Stand By...

If the Tigers lineup isn't going to show up, why should I?

No. That's not it. If you've been following the blog for a while, you may recall a couple months ago some personal issues coming up that made me think I was going to have to say goodbye to my little poop joke blog for a while. Things calmed down very quickly and I was able to resume my duties of making fun of Don Kelly and writing posts with entirely too many commas.

Well, it was fun while it lasted. I'm going to have to take approximately two weeks off from calling Jim Leyland an idiot and tearing apart Lynn Henning's hard work. I hope that you'll all stop back around August 10th when I come back with guns 'a' blazin'. Or something.

As always, thanks for reading, commenting, and supporting the DNR. Hopefully we have something nice to talk about when I return.


Shock Tactics ???

Morning Folks,

I had been watching TV this morning and heard someone on the news speak about 'Wikileaks' do you know what this is ?? I certainly didn't until I watched the undernoted video on television.... I cannot understand the way these soldiers are talking about the people they are shooting at and who are being wounded and killed ..... for what ! Mention is made of them carrying arms - which is total nonsense ...... It is obvious that they were unarmed !! They seem so disinterested in the fact that they are really injuring and killing human beings... It sounds to me like they are talking about shooting and firing as though they are playing a ruddy arcade game ..... Are they without feelings for these people that they are firing at - bear in mind that they 'are' shooting at innocent unarmed people.... I found it difficult to believe what I was seeing ! What in the Hell are they thinking about ? Joking and laughing ....... while folk are dying ... My God !

Now, I do realise that they have to cope with dealing with some 'real sh*t' and baddies who would 'take them out' as quick as looking at them but Hell's Bells that doesn't mean that the soldiers here who are doing wrong should get away with what they have done...... and that we should just shut our eyes to any wrongdoing executed by our soldiers and allies. Let's face it that makes us as bad, if not worse than our enemies - does it not ??

I was under the impression that the soldiers were there to do a job of protecting the innocents ... not wounding and killing them . Are they so psychologically damaged by what they have seen that they cannot tell when it is wrong to use their weapons ? and if they are then how will they - after they return home become normal, sane individuals ???

I ask what do you think ... because I am totally confused/angry/and very worried !

Kate xxx.

p.s. By the way, I am not so daft as to think that incidents like this have only happened involving American troops - the probability is that they have been done by others... Which is an uncomfortable thought certainly....... but just to push this under the carpet as though these things have never happened is 'not' the way to deal with it !

I Am Jack's Raging Bile Duct

“Only after disaster can we be resurrected.” -Tyler Durden in “Fight Club”

-Game 163
-Goodbye, Polly
-Seeya, Grandy
-Down goes Seay
-Down goes Miner
-Armando’s Imperfect Game
-Down goes Zumaya
-Down goes Inge
-Down goes Guillen
-Down goes Ordonez

“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” -Durden

Potentially, around a week after being in first place in the AL Central, we could be sending out a lineup featuring seven rookies.

1. Austin Jackson, CF, Rookie
2. Scott Sizemore, 3B, Rookie
3. Johnny Damon, LF, Veteran
4. Miguel Cabrera, 1B, MVP
5. Brennan Boesch, RF, Rookie
6. Jeff Larish, DH, Rookie
7. Alex Avila, C, Rookie
8. Danny Worth, SS, Rookie
9. Will Rhymes, 2B, Rookie

And in case you forgot…

Bench: Gerald Laird (terrible), Ramon Santiago (career backup), Don Kelly (career 25th man), Ryan Raburn (nightmare season)

This is amazing. Heartbreaking. Unbelievable. Gut wrenching. Other similar words and phrases that mean that it really sucks.

“I (feel) like destroying something beautiful.” –Narrator in “Fight Club”

With Magglio and Carlos hitting the DL, my man Larish finally gets a call up…probably his last chance in Detroit. I’m thrilled about that, as he was the man I wanted a look at to replace Inge.

But the call up of Rhymes just has me shaking my head at how thin our minor league system (at least at AAA) really is. He’s David Eckstein if Eckstein were somehow smaller and more terrible.

If Rhymes gets put out there at short or third and a ball is hit deep in the hole, by the time he backhands it and his throw reaches first, the guy’s going to be safe, scratching his nuts, and there’ll already be a 2-0 count on the next hitter. Rhymes is worse than Don Kelly, for Higgy's sake.

I really miss Mike Hessman right about now.

“I am Jack’s cold sweat” –Narrator

I’ve tried to be optimistic this season when nearly every other person out there that writes about the Tigers has said that this is not a playoff team. From Lynn Henning of the Detroit News down to IngeFan6969 commenting at tigers.com, 95% of folks have always seen the 2010 Tigers as a .500 ballclub playing over their heads thus far. That very well could, and probably has, been true. And these final blows to the team may be the nails in the coffin for this season before then end of July. Can you believe that we’re still only 2 ½ games back?

Reality tells you, though, that unless Dave Dombrowski goes nuts this week in trades, the Tigers are done. You know the White Sox and Twins are going to better themselves. And the brutal schedule isn't getting any easier.

Dombrowski has to take a long, serious look at this team and figure out if it’s really worth going after an unrealistic goal anymore, or just let the rookies do their best and prepare for the greener pastures of 2011. It looks like he might even have another $15 million to play with next year with Maggs going bye-bye for quite a while.

One final thing, though. A bloody miracle could happen. Dave might say “screw it” and still go after Dan Haren and a hitter. These kids might start playing over their heads (see Boesch, Brennan and Jackson, Austin) and bond in some sort of “us against the world” type manner until Team Venezuala and Special Little Guy come back. It is still the mediocre AL Central, after all.

Wouldn’t it be sweet to see this team overcome so many odds to make it into the playoffs? Yogi Berra might be senile and a filthy Yankee, but he was right when he said “it’s not over until it’s over”.

We can still hope, right? And then?

“I am Jack’s smirking revenge.” -Narrator

Twelve Baseball Fans That Annoy Me

No...not her. Not this time.

I was lucky enough to attend Thursday’s 5-2 Tiger victory over the Blue Jays of Toronto. This brought the Detroit win-loss record with me in attendance this year to a flawless 3-0 so far, by the way. I rule. Anyway, it was a beautiful day, perfect weather, and I got to see in person, once again, why Justin Verlander is all sorts of awesome. Miguel Cabrera and Johnny Damon, too.

But of course, no silver lining in Your Party Host’s world comes without several clouds. In this case, it was the people I was surrounded by. I love attending games at Comerica Park. Love it. But the idiots that insist on joining me in watching my baseball team run around the field never fail to get on my nerves to the point where I want to see several of them torn apart by wild dogs. Am I overreacting? You be the judge.

The following are a dozen fans that I always seem to come into contact with at baseball games that irritate me. And yes, I swear, there were examples of each of these survived abortions at Thursday’s game. See if you recognize anyone.

1. The seat jumper. There was this heavily tattooed bald guy and his girlfriend (that looked like she had more miles on her than Al Bundy’s Dodge) that I personally saw get kicked out of three different sets of seats by the rightful ticket holders…all before the fourth inning. I mean, if it’s late in the game and you move closer to that action where no one’s been sitting…I can understand that. But these pricks just kept sitting wherever and were actually getting upset at being asked to move. Unlike most Tiger games I’ve been to, the ushers were non-existent at this game. Luckily, no one was shot, as I’m almost positive this guy had to be carrying a gun.

2. The bad parent. In the row in front of me, there was a father and his three sons, all heavily clad in Blue Jays gear. They were from Canada and were very quiet and polite, like most Canadians I’ve met. But the prick father, at two different times, got up and left his kids (the oldest of which couldn’t have been more than 12) by themselves for at least twenty minutes at a time. Maybe I’m overprotective of my own kid, but I’m not leaving my demon seed unattended at the playground, let alone in the city of Detroit. I watch too much CSI, Unsolved Mysteries, and the scariest show of all: The Evening News, I guess. Luckily for them, my buddy that went to the game with me was also a Jays fan and took it upon himself to look out for the little maple syrup drinking bastards.

3. Old people. I admit, I’m a bit biased against our country’s senior citizens. Working in the service industry, old folks are known to be rude, they run you ragged, they complain about everything, and they’re horrible tippers. Terrible people, in most cases. And maybe it’s because I haven’t attended that many 1pm games, but I’ve never seen so many people that resembled walking corpses at Comerica Park. Normally, the fat girls in Brandon Inge jerseys outnumber the blue-haired fossils 10 to 1, but this time the numbers were reversed.

There was this one confused, lost old lady that stood in the aisle with her mouth hanging open for a good ten minutes, staring at her ticket and then at the seats. She had no idea where she was. I considered helping her myself, but that would be breaking my iron clad rule of minding my own business in public, as well as my other rule of being nice to old people without being paid for it. So, instead, I was actually looking around for one of the missing ushers after a while (who I assumed were ignoring her because she happened to be black) when one of the young Canadian children (bless him) finally got up, looked at her ticket, and told her where she was supposed to sit (only three more rows up). She still took another ten minutes to find her seat. Five minutes later, I saw her wandering off once again, to God knows where.

After the game, we had to stand in the aisle for ten minutes, not moving. Apparently, some ancient codger had fallen or something at the top of the stairs and we had to wait for someone to stand him up without breaking his hip. I’m too busy for this stuff. Call me heartless, but people over 75 should be put to sleep unless a panel of experts can agree that they can still be of use to society in some way. I know I would want someone to smother me with a pillow if I was being such a bother to others.

(Note to sensitive/new readers to the blog: I'm kidding. Maybe.)

4. Fat people. I bet I saw at least six guys at the game that had to be pushing 400 lbs. I couldn’t help but see the uncomfortable looks on the faces of the poor folks that were unlucky enough to be sitting scrunched up next to these piles of lard that were no doubt cooking in the July sunshine. Look, I’m not a skinny person. But I’m not a walking condominium, either. Stay home and eat your own weight in pork rinks, Lunchbox. Okay? You know you want to.

5. Jerkoffs that wear Tiger jerseys with their own last name on the back. One of my favorite pastimes at the ballpark is checking out what jerseys people are wearing. Justin Verlander was the most popular choice at this particular game. It made sense since he was pitching. There were also their fair share of Cabreras, Inges, and Boesches scattered around the stadium. I saw the obligatory Higginson jersey that made me smile that someone else still remembers my hero. My personal favorite at this game was the rare Tettleton jersey. But I have never seen so many jerseys with a familiar number, but an unfamiliar name above it. Why do people do this? Do they feel like they’re on the team this way? Is this helping them live out some unfulfilled childhood fantasy in some way? People should not be allowed into the ballpark wearing such faulty gaming attire.

One last thing on these folks. It was a self-named jersey guy that after the game was finished did another thing that I detest at sporting events. As we’re exiting the stadium, some guy with an unpronounceable Polish last name over his #7 started screaming “Blue Jays suck” at the top of his lungs in the faces of several people in Jays attire that walked past him. I hate this. Show a bit of class, dude, especially since your team just had a seven-game losing streak. It takes guts to wear your team’s colors in another city. I respect that in people. In fact, a friend of mine wore a Tigers jersey to Cleveland once. After the game, he happened to see Jim Thome (still with the Tribe at the time) at a bar in the Flats. He approached Thome, complimented him on his play, and asked for an autograph. Thome looked him up and down and said, “You’ve got a lot of balls wearing that in here.” He signed a ticket stub, shook my friend’s hand, and wished him well. That’s class. I’m always respectful of out-of-towners.

Well, unless we lose. Then I tell them to get raped by a grizzly bear.

More whining after the jump. Join me.

6. The unhelpful of the handicapped. Oddly enough, as much as I cannot stand the elderly, I have a soft spot in my cold, black heart for the physically and/or mentally handicapped. It’s not their fault that they have special needs. There was this one girl in a wheelchair trying to make her way out of our section after the game and I stopped the line of folks behind us so she could get through. Meanwhile, there’s a stream of jerks coming from the side that kept cutting in front of this girl. As my anger was reaching homicidal levels, one of ushers finally decided to do their job and made the pricks stop cutting the girl off. I mean, Jesus tap dancing Christ…what is wrong with people these days?

7. Shirtless guy. There was this guy in his forties, always with a beer in his hand, that kept getting up and walking around. Annoying, but whatever. But what pissed me off is the fact that he didn’t wear a shirt the entire game. Luckily, it wasn’t one of the 400 pound guys, but still. He’s sweating and stinking and bumping into other people. How inconsiderate can you get?

8. Assface that won’t sit down. The beer and hot dog vendors are bad enough. But there was this guy that kept standing up in the middle of play and would stand there for minutes at a time. Being 6’4, I’m one of the lucky ones that could look around this twit, but several people had to constantly move around to not miss anything. Finally, the negligent Canadian parent (of all people) tapped the guy on the shoulder and politely asked him to sit down so everyone could enjoy the game. At the time, I thought this redeemed him for abandoning his children earlier in the game, but then he got up and did it again, pissing me off for good at him.

9. People that keep getting up during play forcing everyone in the row to stand up. The idiot brother/sister of the jackoff that keeps standing up would be this person. A woman in our row got up at least six times during the game to go off and piss, buy nachos, change her tampon…whatever. Now the etiquette that I was always taught is to get up in between innings, not while the action is going on. Not this broad. Again and again, I had to stand up and let her stumble by to go off and, no doubt, do important things. Each time, I couldn’t help imagining stabbing her in the temple with a screwdriver. Sadly, I had left my Phillips-head at home for this game.

10. Loud talking idiot. Usually, in my experiences, this is normally a fat guy, usually Italian. They’re so loud that everyone five rows in front and behind can hear everything they say. And it’s almost always stupid, ignorant nonsense about the game. The odd thing during this game was that the idiot in question was a woman, for a change. The woman’s voice was incredibly loud and the only way I can think to describe it would be to say that it was “very Jewish”. Let me be clear, I do not mean that in any racist sort of way, but it’s the best I can come up with. But this lady would NOT SHUT UP, inning after inning. The point where I almost turned around and choked her to death with her own purse strings was in the fourth inning when OVER AND OVER she kept saying “I thought Verlander was pitching today…why isn’t Verlander pitching?” Verlander was, in fact, pitching, had indeed been pitching the entire time, but at this point, the Tigers were batting and THAT was why Verlander was not on the mound! You f-cking f-ck! It’s a good thing I medicated myself with beer at Hockeytown before the game…

11. The wave starter. 90% of the time, this is some inbred, drunk frat boy. Oh, how I loathe these people. There is very little in American sports that I hate more than the wave. It is 2010, people. Is the wave still entertaining to any sane individual? You can always see the annoyed looks on normal people’s faces when this asswipe stands up and keeps yelling “one…two…THREE, woooooooo” and expects 40,000 people to start doing the wave. People like this are why you aren’t served beer in glass bottles at ballgames. They make perfect weapons to assault annoying people with.

12. I leave you with the person that deserves more scorn than perhaps anyone…the early leaver. The Tigers made a great comeback to take a 5-2 lead going into the ninth. Papa Grande can be seen doing his spitting routine at the door of the bullpen and rumbles to the mound with his music playing. I’m getting pumped at seeing The Big Potato close out a ballgame and dance like only his fat ass can dance. Meanwhile, dozens of pricks are scampering for the exits. Why did you even come? This isn’t LA. Traffic in Detroit isn’t that bad, even at rush hour anymore. No one works in Detroit. Come on! Show some team loyalty, people!

Well, that’s about it. I know there’s several other annoying mouth breathing fools that attend games. Feel free to share any of your least favorites. These were just the dozen that stood out from Thursday’s affair and venting is always good for the soul. Enjoy your weekend, kids.

Oh, and if by some odd chance you were at the game and happen to be one of these folks? Do us all a favor. Stop by the closest Sunoco or BP station. Go to the clerk and buy $5.00 worth of gas. Hold the pump up and cover yourself with the fuel. Then, light a match.

The world will be a better place…at least for me.

Funnies ...

Hi Folks,

Funnies sent to me by my brother-in-law this morning ... Enjoy !

Complaints ......

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant
10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we
can't get BBC 2.

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A Spot of British Humour ......

As reported in the newspaper...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their passengers..."Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your back-side sideways!"

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.


My friend Jeffery got a bike for his sixth birthday. Soon afterward, he learned how to ride without his training wheels and became the coolest kid at school. Sometimes I went to Jeffery's house when my mom was at work. Jeffery never wanted to draw pictures with me or play tag.  Instead, he would ride his bike really fast up and down his driveway and make motorcycle noises while I stood in front of his house and watched him.

One day, I got tired of just sitting and watching Jeffery be cool. I wanted to be cool too. I wanted Jeffery to teach me how to ride his bike. It looked easy enough.

demonstrating bike

He showed me how to get up on the seat and how to pedal. He pushed the bike while I sat on it. It was almost like I was riding it by myself! I began to feel fairly confident that I was going to be the best bike-rider in the world.

excited about bike!

We teetered slowly up and down the driveway a couple times. But on our third time out, Jeffery suddenly veered us off to the left and said "Hey! I wonder if you can make it down this hill!!" Then he gave me a shove and sent me rolling down a steep, grassy incline toward an oak tree.

on bike going fast down hill
crashing into tree

I careened down the hill at chaotic speed and slammed into the tree, at which point I was launched off Jeffery's bike straight into a fence post.

crumpled at bottom of hill

As I was lying there at the bottom of the hill, bleeding from my face, I decided that bikes were fucking dangerous and should be avoided at any cost.  I don't know how or why my five-year-old mind came to the conclusion that the bike was at fault for my injuries, but on that day, I became convinced that bicycles were deadly satan-machines that would eventually destroy me.

My sixth birthday was a few months later, and when it finally came, I could barely contain my excitement. I had asked for roller-skates or a pony and I was pretty confident about my chances of at least getting roller-skates. As soon as I woke up, I raced into the kitchen where my parents were already waiting.

parents saying 'good morning birthday girl'

When my mom told me to look outside for my present, it gave me reason to believe that I would be getting a pony, which was at least nine times better than roller-skates. I was so ecstatic about the possibility of getting a real, live, ride-able animal that I temporarily forgot where the door was and began pinging around the house like a gnat on meth.

running around; deliriously excited'

Once I was able to control myself enough to find my way out of the house, I ran to the backyard fully expecting to find a tiny horse standing there in the grass.  Imagine my surprise when I rounded the corner and was instead confronted by a bicycle.  In a matter of seconds, I went from overjoyed birthday-mode to feeling like my parents were trying to kill me.

scared of bike
creepy bike

I ran screaming and crying from my birthday present. It was not the reaction my parents were expecting.

running away crying
Hiding behind mom

My parents had apparently underestimated how traumatized I was by my first biking experience. They immediately went into damage-control mode. In a tone of voice that was so enthusiastic it was almost condescending, my dad said "How about I teach you how to ride your new bike, Allie?!" I buried my face in my mom's skirt and cried harder. "Well, do you want to go for a ride on my bike?" My dad continued. "You can sit on the bar while I pedal! It'll be fun!"

I don't know how he finally convinced me, but the next thing I can remember is sitting on the cross bar of my dad's bike, clinging to him in unadulterated terror.

Riding on bike with dad

My dad pedaled slowly and safely around the block, doing his best to reassure me that bikes are fun and they are not dangerous satan beasts that want all of my blood. Five minutes had passed and I still hadn't been brutally murdered by the bike, so I began to relax a little. My mom stood in our driveway and watched with adoration. For a little while, it was the perfect family moment.

riding on bike with dad, rainbows in sky

The next few seconds were a real turning point in my life. My dad and I were failure in motion, drifting slowly toward our fate like a miniature Hindenburg.  In my memory, I hear his voice in warped slow-motion saying "Haaaaaa... haaaaaa... haaaaaaa... thiiiiissss iiiisssssss fffuuuuuuuuuuuunnnn! Hoooorrrraaaaaaaayyyyyyy! Leeeeeeet'ssss goooooooo riiiide oooonnn thhheeee grrrraaaaaaaaasssss!"

close up of dad's face, looks really happy

In what I imagine was an attempt to enrich my biking experience with different riding surfaces, my dad veered off onto a little strip of grass.

I don't know how we hit the rock and why we were both catapulted over the handlebars when it happened; we certainly weren't traveling at an outrageous speed. What I do know is when my dad's front tire hit the rock, my hard-earned trust shriveled up like an injured banana slug.

crashing into rock; falling off bike
Falling toward ground, going to be elbow-dropped by dad

All 220 pounds of my dad came down on top of me elbow-first. I struggled free from underneath his crumpled body and ran to my mom.  My dad just lay there face-down in the road, like a Hefty bag full of shame.

trapped under father's apparently lifeless body
running to mom, dad in background looking ashamed

My fear of bicycles stuck with me for over a decade. While all my friends were riding their awesome bikes around town making badass motorcycle noises and popping mad wheelies, I was the weird kid running behind them, trying but failing to maintain some semblance of dignity.

friends high-five about their bikes, I stand dejected in corner

Don Kelly's Tears Can Cure Cancer?

It’s not easy doing a blog like this, you know. To constantly try and find something humorous to write about while dealing with just one team in one sport…oftentimes I have no idea what to write about. (It shows…I know. Shut up.) It would be much easier if I were to do this on all MLB teams or make fun of every sport like Deadspin. But lately, The Detroit News is making this easier and easier for me to keep focus on my beloved Tigers. I about ruined my underpants this evening when I saw this headline:

Don Kelly fills Inge’s shoes well

Now no one makes fun of Brandon Inge more than I do. It’s his fault for being born. But to say that Don Kelly, an abortion of a baseball player, fills Brandon’s shoes well? That’s just a horrible insult and a ridiculous statement that would only be made by a clueless putz of a human being.

(by) Josh Katzenstein


Mr. Katzenstein strikes again. Sigh…

BORAT: In Katzenstein, we have many hobbies: disco dancing, archery, rape, and table tennis.

If the Tigers were looking for an immediate replacement for injured third baseman Brandon Inge,

They could call up Jeff Larish to play third? Call up Scott Sizemore to play second and move Carlos Guillen back to third? Have Sizemore play third for some dumb reason and keep the struggling Guillen at second? (Ha.) Send a bag of baseballs to the Mets to get Crash Davis, er, Mike Hessman back? Inquire with the Orioles on what it would take to get Ty Wigginton in Detroit? See if Miguel Cabrera would be willing to play his old position for 4-6 weeks and call up Ryan Strieby to play first?

Anything but give Don Kelly regular playing time?

Don Kelly clearly stated Tuesday that he wants the utmost consideration.

That’s sweet. Let me clearly state that I would like $100,000,000 to continue writing this blog. I would also like pictures of AJ Pierzynski and Joe Mauer making out to surface in the tabloids. I would like Jennie Finch to dump her loser minor league pitching husband and become my bang maid. I also want to wake up tomorrow with Adam Everett’s hair.

I want a lot of things that never would, or never should, happen. Just like Don Kelly.

Kelly displayed strong defense at the hot corner during the Tigers' 8-0 loss to the Rangers and made two stellar plays, one of which could be called Inge-esque.

Did he make a great diving stop and follow it up the next inning by flubbing a routine grounder? That would be Inge-esque. That or not being able to hit a curveball. Or whining whenever he doesn’t get his way.

In the top of the eighth, Kelly made a clean diving grab of a hard grounder by Bengie Molina and fired a bullet to first to rob Molina of a hit.

Impressive. Here’s a small list of things that are faster than Bengie Molina:

-A three-toed sloth on quaaludes

-Paris Hilton doing long division

-The NBA Playoffs

-Ben Stein reading War & Peace outloud

-The NASCAR season.

He also dove for an Elvis Andrus grounder in the third inning and hopped to his feet to gun down the speedy shortstop.

Well, now. Why did we ever have this Inge fellow on the team in the first place? This Kelly guy sounds swell. Can he hit?

"We don't expect Donny Kelly to go out and play third base like Brandon Inge,

With declining range and an erratic throwing arm?

that's not going to happen, but Donny Kelly's going to give you everything he's got wherever he plays," manager Jim Leyland said.

That and about $9.00 will get you a watered down beer at Comerica Park, Jimbo.

"When you start trying to find guys that play third base like Brandon Inge, there aren't many."

Indeed. Most third basemen can hit.

By every definition, Kelly is a utility player.

And a bad one, at that. The Pirates released him for crissakes…

The 30-year-old has played five positions for the Tigers this season (all three outfield positions, plus first base and third base). He has also played shortstop and second base in past seasons.

Big deal. So have Carlos Guillen and Ryan Raburn. And they’re both better than Kelly, overall.

While Kelly is hoping to become an everyday player,

/spit take


he said he's not trying to make people forget about Inge during his four to six week absence.

I wouldn't worry about that. I’m leaving the house in seven or so hours for the Tigers/Blue Jays game and am expecting to see a candlelit vigil outside Comerica Park consisting of dozens of fat girls with tattoos on their lower backs, all wearing Inge jerseys. Well, them and this guy.

"Whether you're filling in for Miguel (Cabrera) or Inge or Austin (Jackson) in center field, I have to stay within myself, do what I can do and not try to fill their shoes because they're some pretty big shoes to fill," Kelly said.

Little known fact: Austin Jackson wears size 15 Nikes.

"Just go out there and play the game that I play

.221 career batting average

.224 batting average this year

Career OPS+ of 47

OPS+ of 43 this year

.258 OBP this year

Jim Leyland repeatedly has this man leading off, people. And Lynn Henning defends him. You think this crap would fly in New York?

and try to be as consistent as I can,

OBP in three years in MLB: .281, .311, .258.

Yes…consistently awful.

help the team win

Actually, he’s right. Here’s a stat I guarantee you did not know. The Tigers are 4-19 in games where Don Kelly does NOT play in this season. Amazing, I know.

The thing is, Don Kelly is valuable only as a late inning defensive replacement. When Kelly gets 1 or less at bat, the Tigers are 30-15. If he gets more than 1 at bat? 15-10.

Yes…I actually just spent time looking all of that up.

/needs a girlfriend

and eventually -- hopefully -- that would lead into an everyday role."

Look, Donnie…if I may call you that. You are not an everyday major league baseball player. It’s nice to dream, though. But don’t go talking to the newspaper about wanting to play every day when you make Brandon Inge look like Wade Boggs at the plate.

In a lackluster game by the Tigers, Kelly impressed on offense, going 1-for-2 and tallying one of the Tigers' four hits.

Holy thunder! 1 for 2? That’s .500!

His sixth-inning single to center field gave Kelly a .224 average on the season.

.224. Wow. That’s even three points over his career batting average.

Kelly made just his eighth start at third for the Tigers this season and said he didn't begin playing the position much until 2005. Since then, Kelly said, his confidence has grown at third.

And with every game that Kelly starts at third, my confidence in Jim Leyland’s sanity and this team’s chances at contending in September go down the toilet more and more.

"The more you get over there the more confident you're going to get," Kelly said. "I try to be ready, get into a good position to field early because you never know when somebody's going to hit a shot at you."

“If I dive a lot, hopefully some rube from Minnesota will write an article about me. Did I mention that I’d like to play every day? I’m like the Nick Punto of Detroit.”

Kelly, at 6-foot-4, brings a completely different look than 5-foot-11 Inge.

He looks like a big pile of horse manure instead of a small one.

He has Inge's reach and range, but in just his third major league stint (2007 with Pittsburgh, '09 and '10 with the Tigers) Kelly does not match Inge's experience level.

Bloody hell. He has Inge’s range? My head hurts.

Look. It’s nice that not everyone at the News has given up on this season like Mr. Henning has. But this Katzenstein guy has shown about as much ability in covering Tiger baseball as my six year old has shown in hitting one.

They’re both trying, but I think they’d both be better off watching Spongebob and laughing at their own farts.

Florida Marlins DesigNate Robertson

As many of you have pointed out to me already, Nate Robertson has finally been released by the Marlins.  Our Hero was thought to have an easier road ahead of him in the NL this year, but still was rocked around by the senior circut, going 6-8 with a 5.47 ERA, and 1.50 WHIP in 100.1 innings.

The final straw came against the Rockies yesterday as Nate was lit up for 8 runs (7 earned), 6 hits, and 2 walks in 5 innings pitched.  No word on who will be dumb enough to give him a shot next.

Um...you know...we ARE already paying his salary.  And...well, we COULD use another starting pitcher.  Wouldn't it be fun...

Naaaaa...good luck, Nate.  You'll always have a home here.

Toy Story Blethers / Funnie / Puzzle ...

Hi Folks,

Louis putting on a pose in the photo that won him the title of 'Cutest Kid in Town ' last year... After that he was accepted by a modelling agency and two weeks ago as luck would have it while he was on holiday with his parents the agency had telephoned in connection with a modelling job for Christmas for 'John Lewis Stores' ... So, you never know, he might be famous one day hehehe.... Louis and I are going to see the newest Toy Story film tomorrow - I'm soooo looking forward to seeing it !

We went to see the ' Toy Story 3 ' film today and it is a real joy ......

It lasted 1hr 49min‎‎ - Rated U‎‎ - Animation/Comedy/Action/Adventure‎‎ - English‎ -
Director: Lee Unkrich - Cast: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Joan Cusack, Don Rickles, Wallace Shawn, John Ratzenberger, Estelle Harris, Blake Clark, John Morris, Laurie Metcalf -
Rated 0.0 out  of 5.0

"Toy Story 3" welcomes Woody, Buzz and the whole gang back to the big screen as Andy prepares to depart for college and his loyal toys find themselves in… daycare! These untamed tots with their sticky little fingers do not play nice, so it 's all for one and one for all as plans for the great escape get underway. A few new faces-some plastic, some plush-join the adventure, including iconic swinging bachelor and Barbie's counterpart Ken, a thespian hedgehog named Mr. Pricklepants and a pink, strawberry-scented teddy bear called Lots-o'-Huggin' Bear.

Personally I thought it was brilliant and yes I did have use of my tissues once or twice and I was one of many adults who had escorted their children and grandchildren to see the film so I wasn't too embarrassed by dabbing my eyes while I exited the cinema and I certainly wasn't the only one ...

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

This next funnie is an oldie but goodie !

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'so, what was wrong? he replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'an, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: ID10T I used to like Eric, the little swine !!!

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

How about trying out this puzzle ... It's not your usual jigsaw puzzle . The picture has movement in it the entire time you are working on it. Drag the pieces together to make a picture. Yes, it can be done completely!

When you complete the puzzle you will hear ... applause ...

Click here ... Unusual Puzz

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.

Lynn Henning Wants to Wave the White Flag Already

Was anyone in the world happier to see the Tigers swept by Cleveland than Mr. “Sky is Falling” himself, Lynn Henning? The man hates Tiger baseball...I'm convinced of it.

Let's play general manager,

Okay, sweet.

Leyland’s fired. Welcome back, Tram. Here’s a major league roster this time around. Sorry about before.

Don Kelly, don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. DFA. Say hi to Ashlee for me. Jeff Larish, welcome to Detroit. Missed you.

Andy Oliver…buh-bye. Thanks for trying. See you in two years if you don’t get traded.

Brad Thomas is put on a plane back to Australia. Bring Schlereth back up.

Galarraga goes on the trading block. See if anyone thinks that perfect game still meant anything in the long run. Joining him is Ryan Strieby, Wilkin Ramirez, Fu-Te Ni…hell everyone not named Verlander, Cabrera, or Turner.

I want Stephen Drew, unless the price is outrageous. Otherwise, I’ll take Theriot from Chicago. He shouldn’t be that expensive. I also want a catcher that can hit at least .240 since we don’t have one. One bullpen arm and one starter. Again, look to the Cubbies. No need to empty the minors, no need to try and bring in a #1 guy. A #3 will suffice with JV, Max, and (hopefully) Rick looking okay.

Wait. You didn’t really want to do this, did you Lynn?

which is always fun unless you're faced with the choices Dave Dombrowski is staring at 12 days before the trade deadline.

Do I wear the ugly argyle sweater or the ugly striped sweater today?

Do you buy, and hope you can steal the American League Central Division when it's sitting there like a bank vault with the door swung open?

As long as it’s reasonable, yes. And remember this. He just said that the division is “sitting there like a bank vault with the door swung open”. It is there for the taking, this Central Division.

Do you sell, knowing that what you feared all along is likely to be realized, day by agonizing day as July and August make plain what your roster all along suggested would be true:

/checks calendar

It’s not August yet. Just saying.

That your team isn't yet ready to contend,

As of this writing, we’re 1 ½ back after the All Star break. That’s contending.

but could be pretty good in the ensuing seasons.

Wait ‘til next year, gang!

Go write for the Cubs, Lynn.

The answer's clear on this end:

I love you, Joel!

You sell.

Can you imagine the reaction on ESPN and among the Tiger faithful? If we’re even three games back near the trade deadline and Double D starts selling everyone off and throwing in the towel? If you thought the backlash when Granderson was traded was bad, just wait.

That is, if you can.

Good point, actually. Who you gonna sell off? JD? Bondo? Inge? Good luck. What’s the point? Add, don’t subtract. Just be smart about it. And if you can’t, stay put. Let’s see how this turns out.

That the Tigers got swept by Cleveland during the weekend is inexcusable, and yet not a total shock.

It was unbelievable, yet completely believable. Okay, Peter King.

The team's starting pitching is bipolar.

Sonofabitch…Dontrelle was contagious.

Two of spring camp's starters have been traded,

Irrelevant. It’s a good thing that Nate and D-Train are gone.

two have spent time in the minor leagues,

Which did wonders for Max and seemed to help Rick, too, if you saw his start against Cleveland. My theory is this. Toledo is such a God forsaken hellhole, that it can inspire anyone to play above their ability just to avoid being sent back there again. I should know. I’ve lived here all my life.

and the other two -- Justin Verlander and Jeremy Bonderman -- have won 16 games, 11 of them by Verlander.

JV rules. Bondo sucks balls. A rotation of Verlander, Scherzer, Porcello, Bondo, and a yet to be determined guy is not bad. If you can get Ted Lilly or Tom Gorzelanny from the Cubs or Ben Sheets from Oakland without gutting the minor league system, I’d put that rotation up against any in the AL Central, at least. Easier said than done, I know, but work with me.

The bullpen is on fumes,

The bullpen has been very good this year. Quit sulking because your boyfriend’s arm exploded like it does every year.

there's no RBI bat at shortstop,

AL teams with an “RBI bat” at shortstop: Yankees…oh, that’s it.

I’m serious. With Alex Gonzalez being shipped to Atlanta, Jeter is it.

the starting catcher who pretty much has replaced the incumbent catcher (batting .185) is two years out of college.

Don’t pick on Avila because he’s young. Pick on him because he’s the boss’ kid. Or because he looks like he’s a shaved ape. Or because he sucks.

There are rookies in center field and in left field.

Who have played, and continue to play, outstanding.

“Hello, I’m Debbie Downer of the Detroit News. Join me for my chat this Friday where I complain about everything in Detroit except for Joel Zumaya and Jim Leyland.”

This is a long column, kids. Please follow me after the jump.

And people think this team is a contender,

They are. 1 ½ games back, remember? They were even in first a week ago. Do you even watch, Captain Crankypants?

that it can match Minnesota's overall talent,

Mauer, Morneau, Span, and a bunch of fat and/or old guys. We have better pitching than they do, too.

or that it stacks up against the White Sox's rotation,

Peavy pulled a Zumaya. The rest of them pitched WAY over their heads last month. Are you really scared of Freddy Garcia at this point in his career, Lynn?

which is only the most important part of any team?

JV, Scherzer, Porcello, and question mark. That’s why we need to buy. Turning that question mark into an exclamation point will put us over the top in the Central. After that, once you get into a five or seven game series, you never know. Remember 2006?

People instead want Jim Leyland fired.

/raises hand

That will solve a lot all the problems, you bet. A new manager will arrive with new starting pitching, two bullpen arms, and better up-the-middle bats.

No, they won’t. And you’re exaggerating the needs of the Tigers to win the Central, you dolt.

What a new manager, hopefully, would do is quit hurting the team with highly questionable moves. What moves?

-Don Kelly batting leadoff

-resting Austin Jackson and Brandon Inge on the same day coming right off the All Star break

-Clete Thomas batting third much of last year

-questionable bullpen management

-over reliance on the lefty/lefty and righty/righty matchups over game performance



N-word please. That would have been funnier. Imagine it in a Chris Rock voice. Sorry, I’m off point.

Get realistic about the Tigers' problems

Poor hometown journalism, for starters.

that have zero to do with the manager, no matter that he stoically -- and falsely -- took the blame for his team getting waxed in four games against the Indians.

Obviously, JL wasn’t completely to blame. But as I mentioned, he didn’t help much. I blame the lifeless prick in the Cleveland bleachers that's always banging that stupid drum.

Dombrowski's dilemma Dombrowski, in fact, has everything to do with this. He's the man responsible for the team's roster, which is more than a few bricks shy of a load in 2010.

He’s a witch! Burn him!

And unless he's dead set on messing up a team that could


-- definitely could –

Oh. Just making sure.

contend next year and beyond, he'll be careful about what he does between today and the July 31 trade deadline.

Dave, despite the deals he gave to Nate, Dontrelle, and Bonderman…the guy’s not an idiot. If the man deals Rick Porcello for Kyle Farnsworth next week, though, I’ll be with you.

He can trade some valuable minor-league talent and find another starting pitcher, and maybe even a shortstop.

There you go.

And not only will that likely not be enough to salvage a pennant race in 2010,



foagi;aomkfofgkjsgpos g prgfv;oaso’fsapobavmt40jeejgrgc,gj

Sorry…was beating my head on my keyboard.

it will damage the team's long-term health.

No. That’s what they said when we dealt Maybin and Miller to Florida with other AAA junk. We have dick in the minors right now, other than Crosby and Turner. Our rotation is already currently the youngest in baseball. If you can pair anyone else up with a Raburn, a Strieby, a Ramirez, or whatever and can get a Drew, Lilly, etc, you do it and do it f-cking yesterday. If not, then at least you tried.

What you do NOT f-cking do is wave the white flag and start selling when you’re less than two games back of your division leader in a division where first place is sitting there like a bank vault with the door swung open. Remember when you said that?

That's why playing GM is like playing with matches.

General Motors? Agreed.

If he makes any move in the next two weeks, Dombrowski will probably go small

David Eckstein? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

-- probably dealing for a reliever. The other stuff is too expensive.

You don’t know if you don’t try. You are not a baseball GM, Lynn. Thank goodness. We’d be the Royals if you were.

The Tigers can't afford to mortgage their farm system for the short term, no matter how many fans believe instant gratification is but a couple of moves away.

Does it have to be one way or the other with you? Black or white? No one is saying sell off the big guns unless you can get a boatload back for them.

And we are already young at catcher, first, second (counting Sizemore), left, center, and the pitching staff. What future are you so concerned about?

And yet if Dombrowski sees during the coming days that this thing could steadily disintegrate, which the schedule is aching to prove, he needs to invest in the future, not in the present.

I know I’m getting sick of repeating myself. Aren’t you by now?

“Rabbit season!”

“Duck season!”

“Rabbit season!”

“Duck season!”

Should Damon be traded?

I interrupt this silly nonsense as they have just told us on TV that Brandon Inge will be out 4-6 weeks with a hand ouchie. My first reaction is…

Bwaaaaaaaa, hahahahahaha! Oh, happy day! I can hear the wailing of the fat girls of Detroit as I type this sentence.

But on second thought, I’m not sure how I feel about this. If it means that Kelly is our new third baseman, I may kill myself. But hopefully, Larish gets the call up and we can see what he can do.

Or Sizemore comes back and Carlos goes to third. I bet that’s what they do.

/shudders at thought

What’s the going rate for Ty Wigginton?

Back to tearing apart Lynn Henning’s hard work.

So, who goes?

Inge, obviously. Ha. Sorry. Say, do you still think he'll be up there in Player of the Game every night while he's out?

Johnny Damon would be a first candidate. The Tigers can patch up in left field for the final two months, particularly when Ryan Strieby is a good bet to be called up when rosters expand Sept. 1.

Will there be a serious market for Damon? Sure. Just don't expect an All-Star prospect in return.

Then don’t do it, ass. JD has become the leader of this team in the locker room in only three months. Let these kids learn from him while he’s in the D. And by all means, try to keep him around next year. He's been nothing but good for this squad. Make him player/manager, I say.

Who else can be spun off in an effort to make the 2011-2016 Tigers better?

2016? Holy Jeebus…

Jeremy Bonderman, perhaps. Except the Tigers are dealing with a Catch-22 situation with Bonderman. If he were pitching better, he would be impossible to forfeit, because the Tigers would be a better playoff bet. Bonderman would be indispensable on a rotation that right now is as predictable as a roulette wheel.

But because he has not pitched well of late, his market value is, well, not what it would have been a month ago. If he gets hot during the final weeks of the season, the Tigers run into another problem:

Bonderman will be a free agent, much coveted in an off-season market that this winter will be light on starting pitching, and the Tigers might not be able to offer him the lopsided contract he'll pull from somebody.

They will also get no draft-pick compensation if he signs elsewhere, all because he spent last year on the disabled list.

Then, fine. The Tigers ride the rapids with him the rest of the way, and sign a so-so Bonderman to a 2011 contract.

I just let it all go. When I read it to myself, it sounded like the “bwa bwa bwa” of the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons talking.

Bonderman sucks. He occasionally has a decent game. He’s Nate Robertson, except younger, dumber, right handed, and without the lazy eye.

Read the rest yourself, if you want. He just repeats himself some more. I’m tired.

But before I end this, do not get me wrong. I don’t think the Tigers are a great team. They’re not New York or Tampa. But they are good enough to win this division. It is there for the taking. If a move or two can be made to help things along, I say do it.

What you do NOT do, though, is throw in the towel when you were in first place a couple days ago.

Get well soon, Brandon. Just don’t get any more tattoos while you’re gone.

And if Lynn Henning visits you in the hospital, don't let him in your room! He might try to pull the plug on you.

Blethers ...

These holes are not only amazing, but they are really terrifying!

The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are ...

Glory Hole ......

Great Blue Hole ......

Sink Hole ......

Rat Hole ......

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California

A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be drained from the reservoir. It is the largest spillway of this type in the world.. It consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.

Great Blue Hole , Belize

This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize . There are numerous blue holes around the world, but none as stunning as this one.

Sinkhole in Guatemala

These photos are of a sinkhole that occurred early this year in Guatemala .
The hole swallowed 2 dozen homes and killed at least 3 people.

RAT HOLE in Washington D.C.

It is capable of swallowing trillions and trillions of U.S. Dollars-annually! The money that falls into this hole is never heard from again! This hole has no bottom......

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I
knew that I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again
flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt - arrgghhh ........

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.

Here and Now


This has happened before, the feeling I'm immersed in now. There's been a deluge of tears, some physical activity, all prompted by reading and listening. I discovered Philip Pullman's Dark Materials series this weekend, and I discovered Amanda Palmer. But that's not what this is really about.

Lately I am wary of books that I'm not required to read. There are a lot of them, crowding around and offering the promise of some emotion or experience or pattern or lesson. Some even offer fulfillment, for there is something satisfying in knowing that Anna Karenina sits on a list waiting to be read and that once I do I will have accomplished something, even if it's only a secret something. But I'm wary of them because I wonder how they were written. Were they written by someone who is a person I would not like? A person I would think was wrong about something I take to be important? -- about women, say, or about love, or about what is good in life. Of course I recognize these as silly things to be wary of, but the wariness is there just the same. I won't read so many of the books I pick up because what I'm searching for (I think) is confirmation of the understanding that has settled slowly but perceptibly somewhere deep inside of me. Understanding about myself and about what is important in my life and how that has taken on real, certain form for the first time.

So instead I read, when I read, to fulfill an obligation (yet another book or paper on Spinoza -- I have read my way into an almost-total rejection of his 'propositions'), or I read to escape. I thought I would be reading to escape when I picked up Pullman's series -- and I did, but there was something so clever, so brilliant, so longed-for in the world(s) he created and the conflicts that racked them. And the daemons -- I haven't longed for anything so much and so thoroughly in my life than an animal companion who would be my ever-friend, my constant partner, a second self, but not separate.

And so I read them all, and as I ended reading them I was authentically sobbing, happy and sad at once. I always get so sad when I near the end of a book that I cannot stop reading, even though I cannot bear for it to be over. And without thinking much I put Who Killed Amanda Palmer on and Astronaut was playing and all of a sudden everything was just right and I was thinking again in my own way. This was like those many moments I have spent lying on a scratchy carpet with loud music playing, trying to sort out my mind after it has been tossed and swelled by good reading. Except this wasn't the same, and I realized in a great surge of feeling that before when this happened I would write and think but stay locked away inside myself, before I would be alone and I would feel lost and hopeful also because I would feel that I knew something needed doing and though I didn't know what it was, I still got to find out what that was going to be.

But now I know part of the answer -- I may still feel lost at times and still hopeful for the things I don't know yet and will come to understand, but I also now know that I'll never be alone again. And that's an incredible feeling -- an incredible feeling. And when he asked me to marry him -- still in the afterglow of our trip to paradise -- to that place of possibilities that were so close that I could taste them -- I knew with the deepest understanding possible that this was a certain thing, a sure thing, a thing for forever. And that it doesn't really matter what those words mean.

Here and Now


This has happened before, the feeling I'm immersed in now. There's been a deluge of tears, some physical activity, all prompted by reading and listening. I discovered Philip Pullman's Dark Materials series this weekend, and I discovered Amanda Palmer. But that's not what this is really about.

Lately I am wary of books that I'm not required to read. There are a lot of them, crowding around and offering the promise of some emotion or experience or pattern or lesson. Some even offer fulfillment, for there is something satisfying in knowing that Anna Karenina sits on a list waiting to be read and that once I do I will have accomplished something, even if it's only a secret something. But I'm wary of them because I wonder how they were written. Were they written by someone who is a person I would not like? A person I would think was wrong about something I take to be important? -- about women, say, or about love, or about what is good in life. Of course I recognize these as silly things to be wary of, but the wariness is there just the same. I won't read so many of the books I pick up because what I'm searching for (I think) is confirmation of the understanding that has settled slowly but perceptibly somewhere deep inside of me. Understanding about myself and about what is important in my life and how that has taken on real, certain form for the first time.

So instead I read, when I read, to fulfill an obligation (yet another book or paper on Spinoza -- I have read my way into an almost-total rejection of his 'propositions'), or I read to escape. I thought I would be reading to escape when I picked up Pullman's series -- and I did, but there was something so clever, so brilliant, so longed-for in the world(s) he created and the conflicts that racked them. And the daemons -- I haven't longed for anything so much and so thoroughly in my life than an animal companion who would be my ever-friend, my constant partner, a second self, but not separate.

And so I read them all, and as I ended reading them I was authentically sobbing, happy and sad at once. I always get so sad when I near the end of a book that I cannot stop reading, even though I cannot bear for it to be over. And without thinking much I put Who Killed Amanda Palmer on and Astronaut was playing and all of a sudden everything was just right and I was thinking again in my own way. This was like those many moments I have spent lying on a scratchy carpet with loud music playing, trying to sort out my mind after it has been tossed and swelled by good reading. Except this wasn't the same, and I realized in a great surge of feeling that before when this happened I would write and think but stay locked away inside myself, before I would be alone and I would feel lost and hopeful also because I would feel that I knew something needed doing and though I didn't know what it was, I still got to find out what that was going to be.

But now I know part of the answer -- I may still feel lost at times and still hopeful for the things I don't know yet and will come to understand, but I also now know that I'll never be alone again. And that's an incredible feeling -- an incredible feeling. And when he asked me to marry him -- still in the afterglow of our trip to paradise -- to that place of possibilities that were so close that I could taste them -- I knew with the deepest understanding possible that this was a certain thing, a sure thing, a thing for forever. And that it doesn't really matter what those words mean.

Debating the DH Rule With a Moron

As you may know, from time to time I like to take an article written elsewhere that I happen to disagree with and dissect it in a way made famous by the brilliant Fire Joe Morgan site.

Now, for the most part, I mean no ill will toward the writers of these original pieces. A guy like Lynn Henning is writing at least one article a day it seems on the Tigers and they’re not all going to be award winning pieces. I respect what the man does and if I take jabs at him, it’s usually meant as harmless fun.

I’ve had some issues in the past with Jamie Samuelsen of the Freep’s writing, but he’s actually been very good in the past couple months. Again, all meant in harmless fun, despite any death threats I may have made in jest.

Drew Sharp…is Drew Sharp. There’s no defending him.

But this guy, Josh Katzenstein from Minnesota writing for the Detroit News, I’m not so sure about. I’ve only read one other piece by him which was total garbage. This one is just as bad.

Is it a gimmick? I'd get that. Skip Bayless, Stephen A. Smith, and Jim Rome have turned their cocky sportswriter gigs into characters that they kind of play. I even do a bastardized version of that here at my blog. I’m really not like this most of the time (debatable).

But this drivel…judge for yourself. I may have found myself a new enemy.

Dumb designated hitter rule diminishes integrity of baseball

(by) Josh Katzenstein

BORAT: My sister is number four prostitute in all of Katzenstein.

After watching Monday's Home Run Derby, won by DH David Ortiz, and Tuesday's All-Star Game, in which DHs were used, I remembered that the designated hitter is quite possibly the worst thing to ever happen to baseball.

Let me see.

Black Sox scandal

Not allowing blacks into the league until 1947

Ray Chapman hit and killed by a pitch

Pete Rose betting on baseball


Repeated Marlins fire sales

Armando Galarraga getting screwed out of a perfect game

AJ Pierzynski’s birth

Don Kelly batting leadoff

Yes. I can see how the DH is worse than all of these things. Carry on.

Despite Tuesday's loss, the American League is 20-17-1 in the All-Star game since the inception of the DH in 1973.

Holy crap, that’s three more wins than the NL. That’s ridiculous! How does the Senior Circuit stand for this? Stupid Selig…this is all his fault!

The AL has a 21-15 record in the World Series since '73 and has won 10 of the 14 interleague seasons, including the last seven.

I’m already bored. I’m gonna go kick my roommate’s cat. Give me a sec.

Okay. Continue.

Not only does the added hitter give the AL a noticeable advantage

Is there a new rule where the NL is not allowed to use a DH against the AL in these games?

-- it helps AL teams that they're continually grooming nine hitters –

Oh. Because the NL doesn’t constantly use pinch hitters? You’d think these pinch hitters would be good at, I don’t know, hitting? Do these NL teams you speak of just pull fans out of the stands to fill the roster spots not taken up by the eight position starters? I mean, I knew the Pirates did, but all of them?

but it takes away from what continues to be the purest American sport.

Aww, geez. Look, Clown Shoes, baseball is by far my favorite sport. But calling any professional sport “pure” is like calling Tiger Woods “faithful”. Stick to little league if you’re looking for “pure” sports.

And really? Arguing the DH rule? It’s been around since 1973. There are no new arguments on this topic. What are you going to discuss next? Richard Nixon’s presidency? Betamax vs. VHS? Perhaps this Atari 2600 I’ve heard so much about…

Sue me for being against instant replays and steroids.


Baseball is the purest sport because they don’t have instant replay or steroids? Am I reading this wrong? Give me a second. Talk amongst yourselves.

You went from the DH rule to replay and steroids. I’m just going to move on. I have what feels like “ice cream headache” coming on.

DH supporters are quick to say pitchers should pitch and hitters should hit.

Indeed. Firefighters should fight fires. Crime scene investigators should investigate crime scenes. Band leaders should lead bands. Rapists should rape. It makes things easier this way, Josh.

This statement is outrageous for two reasons, the first being that pitchers grow up hitting.

I grew up picking my nose in public and thinking Jose Canseco was the greatest baseball player of all time. I’m happy with the fact that both of these things have changed with time.

Even if pitchers are nearly automatic outs in the bigs, youth baseball leagues teach kids how to pitch andhit. Why stop now?

Because pitchers suck at hitting. It’s boring to have an automatic out every nine batters. I would much rather see someone qualified to hit a baseball step up to the plate at a game that I've paid money to see. It’s the same reason you never saw Edgar Martinez pitching. He sucked at it. But the guy could hit the hell out of a baseball.

And if a guy is particularly good at hitting a baseball, chances are a team is going to want him in the lineup every day instead of just every fifth day. It makes sense to normal people.

The other primary objection to pitchers hitting is injuries. But unless a pitcher is determined to battle in an at-bat, the most swings he is looking at taking at the plate is about nine in a game.

So you admit that pitchers trying to hit is pointless. Why not just give a team an automatic out after every eight hitters?

Nine swings leave a far slimmer chance of injury than throwing 100 pitches.

I’d only like to take one swing at you.

There have been instances of pitchers injuring themselves at the plate, such as Red Sox starter Josh Beckett, who tweaked his back in batting practice before a game against the Blue Jays (one he wasn't starting) a month before interleague play this year.

I am willing to admit that injuries to any members of the Red Sox is nothing but good for the game. I once had a dream that Kevin Youkilis got hit by a train and woke up with an erection.

Beckett hasn't pitched since May 18, but the only thing his injury proves is that AL pitchers might just be lazier than NL pitchers.

Mother of Satan, you’re an idiot. Holy f-ck. Tell Justin Verlander that just might be lazy compared to Brian Moehler of the Astros. He’ll gut you like a fish.

Beckett managed more than four seasons hitting for the Marlins without hurting himself at the plate, but it sounds like he stopped working those muscles when he moved to the AL in 2006.

Yup. It couldn’t have been dumb luck for Mr. Beckett, right? Lazy bastard. By the way, Beckett’s lifetime batting stats? .148 Avg, 3 HR, 16 RBI, OPS+ of 10 in 216 at bats. Yes, I’d much rather see that than David Ortiz, Hideki Matsui, Vladimir Guerrero, Jim Thome, or Johnny Damon. What baseball fan wouldn’t? That sh-t's pure.

If there's a place to actually worry about pitchers it's on the mound, where Joel Zumaya and Chicago's Jake Peavy recently went down from simply throwing a pitch.

Good point. They should pitch from second base. Or maybe the dugout.

Or maybe pitching machines are the answer. Hmmm...

The other issue with the "hitters hit" statement is that hitters should do a heck of a lot more than hit. The overweight, slow Ortiz is not a good defensive player, but his insertion into the lineup as a DH gives the Red Sox the offense of two first basemen.

Only fourteen first basemen in baseball have a VORP over 15.0. Sixteen, if you include Ortiz and Jim Thome. There are thirty MLB teams, which means more than half of them are lacking the “offense of a first baseman”. And nine of the fourteen above mentioned fist basemen play in the NL. Thus, your statement is irrelevant.

(Note: Ortiz is batting .188 this season in 16 at-bats when he plays first base. That's enough to tell me he can't handle the strain of playing in the field.)

Indeed. Sixteen at bats seems more than enough time for you to make this well informed decision.

This is why after reading just two of your articles, I would pay to see you torn apart by wolverines high on angeldust. (The animals, not the football players…though that would be interesting, too.)

In the first half, Ortiz and Kevin Youkilis each had 18 homers and 57 RBIs. Manager Terry Francona should be forced to choose between the two every game.

Is Joe Girardi writing this?

I'm all for players having long careers, but the DH position allows hitters to essentially rest while contributing to the offense.

Sigh. Have you ever played the game in your life? Wait…forget that. Have you ever even watched a baseball game, dude? Let’s take the right fielder, for example. Look, Magglio Ordonez is my favorite Tiger. But during the average nine inning ballgame, Magglio is involved in maybe three or four plays on defense. He might have to run once or twice out there. The rest of the time, he’s scratching his balls, yawning, and thinking about his next at bat.

I was a catcher when I was a kid. That takes a lot out of you, especially on a hot day. Shortstop, center field, and maybe second base are active postions, too. But everyone else is just standing around staring at the drunk broad in the front row waiting to see if she lifts her top at Derek Jeter. It’s not like running a marathon out there.

If they came up with a designated runner for guys like Ortiz, I’d have your back. But your arguments are just ridiculous. So go fist yourself.

A number of veteran players have stepped in at DH and presumably have a lot more energy for the World Series if inserted in the field. Ortiz (34), Johnny Damon (36), Vladimir Guerrero (35) and Mark Kotsay (34) all play for contenders, but only go through the strains of defense in half the games, or less.

Hey, Captain Minnesota. I notice you didn’t mention Jim Thome. Any reason there?

And if you can’t get pumped up and find energy for the World Series, you shouldn’t be playing the game of baseball for millions of dollars.



the DH position takes much of the game's strategy away from managers. If a pitcher is due up in the sixth or seventh inning, the manager often has to decide if the offensive boost a pinch hitter might provide is worth the added strain on the bullpen. But in the AL, all the managers have to worry about is inserting a hitter for a more favorable matchup.

This is all you have? I've seen better arguments on a topic made by my son when he wants to eat nothing but cookies all day. If it weren’t for this stupid blog and my utter lack of material most of the time, I’d really be pissed for having spent the time reading this article. No wonder the trolls at the Detroit News site are crankier than at other sites.

They may not be remembered for specific moves, but Bobby Cox and Tony La Russa will go down as two of the greatest managers of all time.

Both managed in the AL.

They earn extra points for doing their best work in the NL.

/checks rule book

No they don’t. And La Russa’s best work was in the AL with Oakland…where they used a DH. And every drug they could get their hands on.

Wherever you stand on the DH issue, I think we can all agree that both leagues need to adopt the same rule.

No we don’t. But if we need to, let’s have the NL start using the DH. Otherwise, good luck convincing the union on taking away a bunch of high paying jobs from the AL teams. I notice you never even brought that up. Idiot.

The AL has a clear advantage because the teams play with nine hitters all season, and when the NL team slots a DH in the World Series, its best option is generally a glorified pinch hitter.

In 37 years, you’d think the NL GM's would catch on to this and perhaps add another hitter to their teams for such a situation.

I say the AL should go back to playing true baseball.

When was it “true” again? When all the players were white? When the baseball mitts were basically glorified batting gloves? Before lights and electronic scoreboards?

The move might cost some top offensive players some cash since they would become bench players, but general managers could divert some of that money to managers who would finally have to put some thought into their daily duties.

F-ck and you, you colossal prick. I would love…LOVE to hear Jim Leyland’s reaction to this piece in the Detroit News. Now it's true that I have argued in the past that it is entirely possible that The Marlboro Man is part brain dead at times, but to say that there is no thought put into AL baseball on a daily basis? Come on.

I’m thinking that the News should start hiring writers that finally have to put some thought into their nationally read articles.

Or at least pay me to offer my response a day or two later.