Happy Holidays ...

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Did you say ... "Good in Bed " ??




Hi Folks,


Well, we survived our week's holiday in among the 'auld enemy' ... Although we enjoyed the visit it was great to get home to our own ' wee hoose,' mainly because the weather had been pretty dull, wet and windy - 'Thank the Lord' I had packed clothes to cover all weathers.

Although a couple of the usual were missing - I enjoyed my trudge through the markets, though I did feel that Blackpool seems to have hit the dolldrums - there are several shops and even some of the guest houses which have been boarded up and were showing off 'to let' signs... It's difficult to watch these signs which show that some folk are 'having it hard' during this period of economic depression which has certainly hit this normally 'happy go lucky' holiday place.

Since we returned home on Friday there has been a big yellow ball in the sky and it has shone constantly which is kind of unusual in the land of the tartan - but I'm certainly not complaining - Long may it continue!

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This is an email I received from my brother in law who tells me that it is a genuine complaint to Greenock Police from an angry member of the public ... Like him, I think it is brilliantly written and I would love to ask this guy's help when I have to write to ' the powers that be' to make any complaints'...

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Greenock police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Greenock , by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Mathie Crescent, which is just off Mathie Road in Gourock.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant
???????

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Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

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Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Greenock Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Mathie Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Gourock, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere?

The pitch on Larkfield Road or the one at Battery Park are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Gourock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in Monty's Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!


I certainly wouldn't like to get on ' his' wrong side ......

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God's Boxes ...

After we returned from our jaunt I found the following poem in among my emails ... Enjoy!

I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold. He said,
"Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold."
I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,

Both my joys and sorrows I stored
But though the gold became heavier each day,
The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why, And I saw,

In the base of the box, a hole,

Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be!"

He smiled a gentle smile and said,


"My child, they're all here with me.."

I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,

Why the gold and the black with the hole?

"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,

The black is for you to let go."


We should consider all of our friends a blessing.
Send this to a friend today -
just to let them know you
are thinking of them
and that they are a joy in your life.

A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end.

It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends.

But the treasure inside for you to see,

Is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.

Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you...




Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.