Funnies ......



Rarely photographed South Florida squirrels ...







Hi there Folks,

There were five houses of religion in a small Florida town:

The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Methodist Church,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue...

Each church and synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were pre-destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.


In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church
got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Two days later the squirrels were back.

But......The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution..They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter ......

Not much was heard about
the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

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Noah Today ......

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Scotland and said:

"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a Building Permit.""I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system." "My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood Bye-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision." "Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it." "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.""I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the SSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space." "Then the Scottish Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood." "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building gang.""Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work." "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species." "So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark." "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky." Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord.
"The Government beat me to it."


~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Something for Web addicted folk ...
1)  I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my
newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes,
and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate
few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact
via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop
telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music
on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week,
if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget
to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
Signed ...... Kate Barr .

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

The Banana Test ...


There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
A Lion
, A Chimp , A Giraffe ,
......AND...
A Squirrel

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . .
Try and answer within 30 seconds.
Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.


If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're dense.

Giraffe = you're a complete moron.

Squirrel = you're hopeless.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS !!


Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax






Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate x.