Don Kelly's Tears Can Cure Cancer?

It’s not easy doing a blog like this, you know. To constantly try and find something humorous to write about while dealing with just one team in one sport…oftentimes I have no idea what to write about. (It shows…I know. Shut up.) It would be much easier if I were to do this on all MLB teams or make fun of every sport like Deadspin. But lately, The Detroit News is making this easier and easier for me to keep focus on my beloved Tigers. I about ruined my underpants this evening when I saw this headline:

Don Kelly fills Inge’s shoes well

Now no one makes fun of Brandon Inge more than I do. It’s his fault for being born. But to say that Don Kelly, an abortion of a baseball player, fills Brandon’s shoes well? That’s just a horrible insult and a ridiculous statement that would only be made by a clueless putz of a human being.

(by) Josh Katzenstein


Mr. Katzenstein strikes again. Sigh…

BORAT: In Katzenstein, we have many hobbies: disco dancing, archery, rape, and table tennis.

If the Tigers were looking for an immediate replacement for injured third baseman Brandon Inge,

They could call up Jeff Larish to play third? Call up Scott Sizemore to play second and move Carlos Guillen back to third? Have Sizemore play third for some dumb reason and keep the struggling Guillen at second? (Ha.) Send a bag of baseballs to the Mets to get Crash Davis, er, Mike Hessman back? Inquire with the Orioles on what it would take to get Ty Wigginton in Detroit? See if Miguel Cabrera would be willing to play his old position for 4-6 weeks and call up Ryan Strieby to play first?

Anything but give Don Kelly regular playing time?

Don Kelly clearly stated Tuesday that he wants the utmost consideration.

That’s sweet. Let me clearly state that I would like $100,000,000 to continue writing this blog. I would also like pictures of AJ Pierzynski and Joe Mauer making out to surface in the tabloids. I would like Jennie Finch to dump her loser minor league pitching husband and become my bang maid. I also want to wake up tomorrow with Adam Everett’s hair.

I want a lot of things that never would, or never should, happen. Just like Don Kelly.

Kelly displayed strong defense at the hot corner during the Tigers' 8-0 loss to the Rangers and made two stellar plays, one of which could be called Inge-esque.

Did he make a great diving stop and follow it up the next inning by flubbing a routine grounder? That would be Inge-esque. That or not being able to hit a curveball. Or whining whenever he doesn’t get his way.

In the top of the eighth, Kelly made a clean diving grab of a hard grounder by Bengie Molina and fired a bullet to first to rob Molina of a hit.

Impressive. Here’s a small list of things that are faster than Bengie Molina:

-A three-toed sloth on quaaludes

-Paris Hilton doing long division

-The NBA Playoffs

-Ben Stein reading War & Peace outloud

-The NASCAR season.

He also dove for an Elvis Andrus grounder in the third inning and hopped to his feet to gun down the speedy shortstop.

Well, now. Why did we ever have this Inge fellow on the team in the first place? This Kelly guy sounds swell. Can he hit?

"We don't expect Donny Kelly to go out and play third base like Brandon Inge,

With declining range and an erratic throwing arm?

that's not going to happen, but Donny Kelly's going to give you everything he's got wherever he plays," manager Jim Leyland said.

That and about $9.00 will get you a watered down beer at Comerica Park, Jimbo.

"When you start trying to find guys that play third base like Brandon Inge, there aren't many."

Indeed. Most third basemen can hit.

By every definition, Kelly is a utility player.

And a bad one, at that. The Pirates released him for crissakes…

The 30-year-old has played five positions for the Tigers this season (all three outfield positions, plus first base and third base). He has also played shortstop and second base in past seasons.

Big deal. So have Carlos Guillen and Ryan Raburn. And they’re both better than Kelly, overall.

While Kelly is hoping to become an everyday player,

/spit take


he said he's not trying to make people forget about Inge during his four to six week absence.

I wouldn't worry about that. I’m leaving the house in seven or so hours for the Tigers/Blue Jays game and am expecting to see a candlelit vigil outside Comerica Park consisting of dozens of fat girls with tattoos on their lower backs, all wearing Inge jerseys. Well, them and this guy.

"Whether you're filling in for Miguel (Cabrera) or Inge or Austin (Jackson) in center field, I have to stay within myself, do what I can do and not try to fill their shoes because they're some pretty big shoes to fill," Kelly said.

Little known fact: Austin Jackson wears size 15 Nikes.

"Just go out there and play the game that I play

.221 career batting average

.224 batting average this year

Career OPS+ of 47

OPS+ of 43 this year

.258 OBP this year

Jim Leyland repeatedly has this man leading off, people. And Lynn Henning defends him. You think this crap would fly in New York?

and try to be as consistent as I can,

OBP in three years in MLB: .281, .311, .258.

Yes…consistently awful.

help the team win

Actually, he’s right. Here’s a stat I guarantee you did not know. The Tigers are 4-19 in games where Don Kelly does NOT play in this season. Amazing, I know.

The thing is, Don Kelly is valuable only as a late inning defensive replacement. When Kelly gets 1 or less at bat, the Tigers are 30-15. If he gets more than 1 at bat? 15-10.

Yes…I actually just spent time looking all of that up.

/needs a girlfriend

and eventually -- hopefully -- that would lead into an everyday role."

Look, Donnie…if I may call you that. You are not an everyday major league baseball player. It’s nice to dream, though. But don’t go talking to the newspaper about wanting to play every day when you make Brandon Inge look like Wade Boggs at the plate.

In a lackluster game by the Tigers, Kelly impressed on offense, going 1-for-2 and tallying one of the Tigers' four hits.

Holy thunder! 1 for 2? That’s .500!

His sixth-inning single to center field gave Kelly a .224 average on the season.

.224. Wow. That’s even three points over his career batting average.

Kelly made just his eighth start at third for the Tigers this season and said he didn't begin playing the position much until 2005. Since then, Kelly said, his confidence has grown at third.

And with every game that Kelly starts at third, my confidence in Jim Leyland’s sanity and this team’s chances at contending in September go down the toilet more and more.

"The more you get over there the more confident you're going to get," Kelly said. "I try to be ready, get into a good position to field early because you never know when somebody's going to hit a shot at you."

“If I dive a lot, hopefully some rube from Minnesota will write an article about me. Did I mention that I’d like to play every day? I’m like the Nick Punto of Detroit.”

Kelly, at 6-foot-4, brings a completely different look than 5-foot-11 Inge.

He looks like a big pile of horse manure instead of a small one.

He has Inge's reach and range, but in just his third major league stint (2007 with Pittsburgh, '09 and '10 with the Tigers) Kelly does not match Inge's experience level.

Bloody hell. He has Inge’s range? My head hurts.

Look. It’s nice that not everyone at the News has given up on this season like Mr. Henning has. But this Katzenstein guy has shown about as much ability in covering Tiger baseball as my six year old has shown in hitting one.

They’re both trying, but I think they’d both be better off watching Spongebob and laughing at their own farts.