Catfight: Brennan Boesch vs. David Ortiz

Really quick, before I get to the long awaited (?) return of “Catfight”, let me start off with a quick note that has nothing to do with the rest of this post. The MLB Trade Rumors site noted that the Tigers are interested in relief pitching in the wake of Joel Zumaya’s season ending injury. That’s no surprise. But wait…who is one of the guys that they say the Tigers might be interested in?

Wait for it.

The Farns. Kyle Farnsworth. Again. Fool me three times…

Dombrowski’s got one hell of a sense of humor if this were to happen. You have to admit that.

Oh, and while I’m off topic, Miguel Cabrera f’n rules. And Johnny Damon, to a lesser degree, rules, too. Another walkoff homer for JD. And who wanted Damon? Me, me, me! No one at your “serious” blogs wanted him! Ha. Remember, kids, Your Party Host is always right.

Anyhoo, on with this session in Tiger stupidity. I hate the All Star game. Every year someone gets screwed over and it seems obvious to the entire planet, except for the idiot managers that pick the rosters. This year’s worst example is poor Joey Votto of the Reds. All he’s doing is hitting .318 with 21 homers and an OPS of 1.017. But Omar Infante gets a spot.

Well, screw Votto. I’m here to talk about Brennan Boesch and how not only was he unjustly left off the AL roster, he didn’t even make it into the fan vote for the last spot. Bull, says I. Meanwhile, David Ortiz somehow gets on the team. Who is more justified of a spot on the team? Can you really just go on stats?

Nuh uh. It’s time to break this down into ten categories and have ourselves a Catfight.

1. 2010 Stats
Boesch: .344, 12, 46, 1.001 OPS in 224 AB
Ortiz: .261, 17, 54, .927 OPS in 234 AB
Advantage: Boesch. Papi’s got him in dingers, but the kid is blowing him away overall. BS pick by Girardi done for political reasons…oh, I’m getting ahead of myself. Ha.

2. Career Stats
Boesch: See 2010 stats.
Ortiz: .281, 334 HR, 1122 RBI, .377 OBP, .922 OPS, four-time Silver Slugger winner, 2004 ALCS MVP, five straight seasons of 30 homers and 100 RBI from 2003-2007, 12 career walk off homers, five-time All Star, blah, blah, BLAH!
Advantage: Ortiz. I guess.

3. World Series Rings
Boesch: Hopefully one after this year? :P
Ortiz: Two. You may have heard about them.
Advantage: Ortiz

4. Nickname Recognition
Boesch: Killer B (known only by me)
Ortiz: Big Papi (known by everyone in the world except remote African children…maybe)
Advantage: Ortiz

5. Feet
Boesch: Much quicker on them than you’d expect.
Ortiz: Hasn’t seen them since 2001.
Advantage: Boesch. Papi’s fat. LOLZ

6. Hatred Level and Production Against Loathsome Twins of Minnesota
Boesch: Division rival. Career: .333, 1, 6, .922 OPS
Ortiz: Was released by them back in the day. Career: .326, 10, 28, 1.092 OPS (highest vs. any AL team)
Advantage: Ortiz. But it’s early.

7. Hometown
Boesch: North Hollywood, CA
Ortiz: Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic
Advantage: Boesch. He’s from Hollywood, people! He’s made for the spotlight! And the game is there! You’ve gotta let him in!

8. Linked to PED’s?
Boesch: Nope.
Ortiz: Yup.
Advantage: Boesch. Say no to drugs, kids. Unless a hot broad is willing to put out for them.

9. Defense
Boesch: Not great, but improving with experience.
Ortiz: What the hell is defense?
Advantage: Boesch. Papi is a statue when forced to take the field. Kinda like Magglio in right.

10. Has he used the word “brah” in a sentence? Such as, “Seriously, brah, you gotta hit up this party.”
Boesch: Sigh. Probably.
Ortiz: Doubtful.
Advantage: Ortiz. I’m scared that being from Cali makes Brennan a douchebag at heart. I hope that I’m wrong.

Survey Says: A tie? We must have a tie breaker! Um…I know!

11. Team
Boesch: Detroit Tigers, a team with a rich history with hard working, loyal fans.
Ortiz: Boston Red Sox, a team with a richer history, however whose fanbase is overloaded with racists, bandwagoners, and colossal pieces of human waste.
Advantage and winner: Brennan Boesch.

Papi, you’ve provided baseball with some nice moments, but you’ve already been to four All-Star Games. Boesch has had the better year and should be representing the Old English D in Anaheim. Sadly, Joe Girardi is a twit and he chose the man he’s more familiar with.

But if Boesch plays the rest of his career the way he has started it, he’ll be starting several of them before his time is done.