Some Monday Funnies ...

Today's Inspirational Lesson -
Never irritate a woman who can operate a digger ......

Hi There,

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday!' and maybe even have a small

present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office,I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me? I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !' We went to lunch.. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office,do we ?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment - it's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... followed by my wife,my kids,and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch- stark naked!

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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, ' Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for wordly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possible help mankind.'

The biker thought about it
for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied,
'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.' 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is,
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?' Yes, my Daddy told me this story about my Auntie Sharon - Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer or a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.'
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the Hell away from Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking......

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.