Some gems from Bernard Williams' Ethics and the Limits of Philosophy:

On consequentialist moral theories:

G.E. Moore also thought that the forward-looking type of consideration was fundamental, but he allowed things other than satisfaction -- such as friendship and the awareness of beauty -- to count among the good consequences. It was because of this that his theory was so attractive to the Bloomsbury group: it managed to reject at once the stuffiness of duty and the vulgarity of utilitarianism.
On what to do about religious ethics:

In fact, the logical or structural questions about religious ethics, like many questions about God, are interesting only if you believe in God. If God exists, then arguments about him are arguments about the cosmos and of cosmic importance, but if he does not, they are not about anything. In that case, the important questions must be about human beings, and why, for instance, they ever believed that God existed. The issues about religious ethics are issues about the human impulses that expressed themselves in it, and they should be faced in those terms. For those who do not believe in a religious ethics, there is some evasion in continuing to argue about its structure: it distracts attention from the significant question of what such outlooks tell us about humanity. Nietzsche's saying, God is dead, can be taken to mean that we should now treat God as a dead person: we should allocate his legacies and try to write an honest biography of him.


Some gems from Bernard Williams' Ethics and the Limits of Philosophy:

On consequentialist moral theories:

G.E. Moore also thought that the forward-looking type of consideration was fundamental, but he allowed things other than satisfaction -- such as friendship and the awareness of beauty -- to count among the good consequences. It was because of this that his theory was so attractive to the Bloomsbury group: it managed to reject at once the stuffiness of duty and the vulgarity of utilitarianism.
On what to do about religious ethics:

In fact, the logical or structural questions about religious ethics, like many questions about God, are interesting only if you believe in God. If God exists, then arguments about him are arguments about the cosmos and of cosmic importance, but if he does not, they are not about anything. In that case, the important questions must be about human beings, and why, for instance, they ever believed that God existed. The issues about religious ethics are issues about the human impulses that expressed themselves in it, and they should be faced in those terms. For those who do not believe in a religious ethics, there is some evasion in continuing to argue about its structure: it distracts attention from the significant question of what such outlooks tell us about humanity. Nietzsche's saying, God is dead, can be taken to mean that we should now treat God as a dead person: we should allocate his legacies and try to write an honest biography of him.

A cheeky mouse / Funnies ...

Hi Folks,

This mouse diced with death when it tucked into the lunch of a hungry leopard.

Seemingly unaware of the beast towering over it, the mischievous rodent grabbed at scraps of meat thrown into the African Leopard's enclosure. But instead of pouncing on the the tiny intruder the 12-year-old leopard, called Sheena, appeared to be afraid of the daring mouse and kept her distance. At one stage she tried to nudge the mouse away with her nose, but the determined little chap carried on chewing away until he was full.

The extraordinary scene was captured by photography student Casey Gutteridge at the Santago Rare Leopard Project in Hertfordshire. The 19 yr.old, from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire, who was photographing the leopard for a course project, was astounded by the mouse's behaviour. He said: 'I have no idea where the mouse came from - he just appeared in the enclosure after the keeper had dropped in the meat for the leopard. 'He didn't take any notice of the leopard, just went straight over to the meat and started feeding himself. The leopard was pretty surprised - she bent down and sniffed the mouse and flinched a bit like she was scared. 'In the meantime the mouse just carried on eating like nothing had happened.
... even a gentle shove does not deter the little creature from getting his fill... It was amazing, even the keeper who had thrown the meat into the enclosure was shocked - he said he'd never seen anything like it before.'

Project owner Jackie James added: 'It was so funny to see - Sheena batted the mouse a couple of times to try to get it away from her food. 'But the determined little thing took no notice and just carried on.'

Sheena was brought in to the Santago Rare Leopard Project from a UK zoo when she was just four months old. She is one of 14 big cats in the private collection started by Jackie's late husband Peter in 1989. The African Leopard can be found in the continent's forests, grasslands, savannas, and rainforests .
..... the mouse continued to eat the leopard's lunch and show the leopard who was boss!

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~
The Wisdom and Innocence (?) of Children ...

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards... The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.' The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 62-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things..' My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 22-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.. Aren't older women great ?? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis ..

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love, Kate xxx.

It's Too Late to Apologize, Kyle... But Do You Still Want to See Me Strip?

Remember when I wrote that post  responding to that guy named Kyle who called me ugly and unfunny and it was exactly like when Tyra Banks got called fat and then protested by coming out on stage in a bathing suit and everybody said “wow, she’s so brave!” and she was lauded as a hero by self-esteem challenged women everywhere?

That was pretty sweet.

Anyway, I made a video. It's for Kyle.

It may or may not be work-safe, but I think that it probably is. I took special care not to show too much skin, but I make no guarantees about this being work safe if your boss can't handle massive amounts of pure, unadulterated sexiness.

I am warning you that this will probably make you feel weird inside... like being molested or witnessing someone you don't know giving birth. But it has to be done. It just has to be. God told me to do it.

Oh, and I talk in this video, so that means you'll hear my voice and it will probably be all different than what you were expecting and you might develop some sort of psychological disorder if you've become attached to the way you have been imagining my voice. Just prepare yourself, okay?

I start talking almost right away, so you don't have much time to acclimate once the video starts and then I start taking my clothes off and that is awkward and you'll probably die if you go straight from being shocked about my voice to being shocked about my sexiness with no break in between. If you expect to be deeply disturbed by my voice if it is higher or lower than you expected, please take a moment to calm yourself after the initial shock before proceeding with the video. I'm serious, guys.

Anyway, if Kyle was wondering whether he could say sorry for calling me ugly and just let things go back to the way they used to be, this video should clear things up for him:

Blethers / No Fat Danger in the 50's / Sense / Jokes..

Hi There,

'Shambles' is in total chaos at the moment, my brother in law is helping us out with decorating, by ' helping' I mean that he is painting the ceiling in the Lounge as neither Rob nor I are now able to do this job, so Rob is keeping him company while he works (holding him back more like). Once he has finished the ceiling I 'll then take over and do the paintwork and then the walls. Oh I'm so looking forward to getting it finished, we can get the carpet and get it laid...... It's sooo long since we decorated and badly needs it. The next rooms to be tackled will then be the hall, the Dining Room and lastly the spare bedroom, so it's all go at Shambles Manor. I'll need to change the name - as with a bit of luck and some hard work the house will no longer be a shambles (I hope).

Why is it that when I have something I'm desperate to start that everything else seems to go wrong ?? Our car needed a service and they (the garage) have been phoning requesting us to come and deliver it for this.... no problem ?? Well you would think so, but as usual there is some administrative error and they were going to charge us .... We have only had the car since February and it has warranty which should cover the charge. We ended up having to go to the garage yesterday - wasting two hours good 'painting time' to sort out their error argghh .... Anyway, the car is now booked in for Thursday - hopefully just for 1 day, though a certain weird and funny noise has been emanating from the engine, so according to the garage we might have a problem with our water pump, alternator or summat else ....

I've just had a look round this morning and am desperate now to get going with a paint brush and roller and Louis is arriving any moment so I'll not be able to start until his Dad collects him at tea-time. Tomorrow morning I can really get stuck into the painting yayyy! Anyway, enough about painting ...

Some nuggets of sense ......


Experience is what we get when....we don't get what we want.

By Paula G
I have learned that you have to take one day at a time; otherwise, you might go nuts worrying about everything.

By D Stewart from South Carolina

What I learned from my mother: No matter where you go in life or what you achieve, never forget where you came from. Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter. And those who matter don't mind. -Dr. Seuss

By Imaji P
I have learned that those who BLAME others for their misfortune remain LAME.

By Tootsie Roberts
I once was concerned with the cattiness and hatefulness of people that stopped by my office. I sometimes felt victimized, but in checking with co-workers, I found that it was not focused toward me; the same people act the same with others also. I learned to consider the source.

By Joy from San Antonio, Texas
I've learned that what you have is the only thing you can give away. I've learned that when I am lonely, sad, bitter, angry…that is what I give to my children. When I am happy, joyful, hopeful, peaceful, loving...that is what I give to my children. Get the good stuff so that you can give the good stuff to your children. Your children are your life!

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
He Said, She Said ......

He said...I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear pants don't you?

He said...Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said...What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room..."My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it... "I do not"

Q.How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A.Both of them.

Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A.He buys two cases of beer.

Q.What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A.The bonds mature.

Q.Why are blonde jokes so short?
A.So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A.We don't know; it has never happened.

Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q.Why are married women heavier than single women?
A.Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A.They're married.

and the best for last ...... Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.

Giving The Freep's Jamie Samuelsen What He Loves

Just when I thought I was out of things to make fun of...here comes Jamie Samuelsen again.

From the Freep...

Oddly, Brandon Lyon is Tigers' top free agent to re-sign

Oddly, Samuelsen is still (I assume) paid to write about the Tigers.

The Tigers obviously don’t have a lot of money to spend, so which one of these four free agents is most necessary to re-sign: Placido Polanco, Fernando Rodney, Brandon Lyon or Adam Everett?

Dude, you already gave us your answer in the headline. But since you asked, I'm going with none of the above. None are necessary. But Lyon and Polanco would be cool with me. Especially, Polanco.

Welcome to the portion of the blog where I praise Placido Polanco and call him one of the most important Tigers of the last five years.

Thank you. You are too kind. Now, in turn, let me welcome you to the portion of my blog where I agree with you for the first time ever, I believe. I love Polly as much as I can possibly love a multi-millionaire with a deformed head, from Santo Domingo, that I've never met.

Then I suggest that maybe his best years are behind him and that the Tigers would be wise not to invest too much money in an aging second baseman.

I'm still with you. Though, I have a feeling that you're about to turn into a sarcastic prick.

Then you, my loyal readers, will crush my e-mail box telling me what a moron I am. I love it.

Really? You love it? May I now ask all nine of my readers to please flood Mr. Samuelsoen's e-mail box with hate mail? He loves it, you know. Come up with an interesting way of telling him to kill himself. Like walking into a spinning helecoptor blade. He loves it.

He's like Drew Sharp...without the readers.

Yes, I am passing on Polanco. Love the guy.

As much as you love being called a moron? I hope your testicles somehow end up in a wood chipper.

He’s a huge reason the Tigers are where they are,

Playing golf?

and at the end of the this season, he was one of their most consistent hitters (even if Jim Leyland did bench him in a clinching game).

Take THAT, Mumbles McMarlboro! I thought Samuelsen usually defended Leyland. Didn't get enough hate mail that way? He loves it, you know.

But with money committed to players like Magglio Ordonez, Nate Robertson, Jeremy Bonderman and Dontrelle Willis, the Tigers simply can’t afford to commit to another player who won’t be able to live up to the terms of his deal.

Magglio beat the hell out of the ball the second half once his personal problems were behind him. Overpaid, still? Sure. But his option for 2010 kicked in because he LIVED UP TO THE TERMS OF HIS DEAL.

Nate sucks, sure. But he showed late in the season that he can still be effective at times. Bondo? Turned 27 yesterday. (Happy Birthday, Jeremy!) Let's not shovel dirt on him until we see him fully recovered from surgery, shall we? Dontrelle...I've got nothing there.

Point is, there are no "terms" on any of their deals. Unlike the NFL, there's nothing we can do about their stupid contracts now. Are they overpaid? Sure. Useless? Other than Willis, not quite. That's your gimmick, Jamie. Proceed.

And at this point, at the age of 34 with almost 1,500 games under his belt, he won’t be able to live up to it. We’ve seen his range on the decline. So if he can’t play second, where do you put him?

Polanco can't play second anymore? Are you fist-f'ing me, Jamie? The guy won the Gold Glove just two years ago breaking the record for errorless games. And sure, I'll agree with you that his range isn't what it once was. But to say that the man isn't capable of playing second base anymore is the dumbest thing I've heard since "Porcello is done and Zach Miner is coming into the game."

Plenty of great second basemen have moved to first after their range disappeared. Joe Morgan, Jeff Kent and Robbie Alomar all shifted around the infield when they couldn’t get those balls up the middle (like the one Polanco couldn’t get that would have WON THE DIVISION!).

You're right! It's all Mr. Potato Head's fault! He's a witch! Burn him!

Did Alomar really ever leave second base? I did black out in the late 90's, but still...

The difference with those players is that they were power hitters whose teams needed to keep them in the lineup.

Calling Joe Morgan and Roberto Alomar power hitters is a bit of a stretch. They were great hitters with more power than Polanco, but power hitters? Was Alan Trammell a "power hitter"? Of course not. But Polanco did hit 10 homers and drove in 72 runs (a career high). And why in the blue hell are you talking about moving Polanco to first base? That's...um, what's a synonym for "f'n retarded" that isn't offensive to people? Maybe, I'll come back to that.

But back to your switching postions nonsense, don't we have one of the best young (power) hitters in the majors at first base? Remember him?

That, and the Tigers already have a first baseman -- assuming he’s not hanging out at the Townsend.

There you go. Nice drunk joke. Next, call his mother a whore. Screw his near-MVP type numbers he put up.

This team already is stocked with poor-fielding players who can’t find a position.

Yeah, Laird. And Granderson. And Inge. And Cabrera. Worthless pricks.

The last thing they need is another one. So let the e-mails begin.

Dear Jamie. I hope you end up as a victim in a copycat reinactment of the latest "Saw" movie. Normally, I wouldn't write this, but I hear you love this "hate mail" stuff. XXOO, Rogo

Try to get Polly to stay for a year at what he was making. Or a slight raise. It doesn't hurt to ask. If he thinks the market is going to be huge for him, I think he's crazy. I don't see anyone offering him 3 years/$24 million. And I don't see this Sizemore kid being ready for an entire season at second base...broken leg or not. He needs another year in AAA to work on defense and cutting down on the K's. Polanco's the only guy in the linup that we can count on to make contact with the ball.

Rodney goes, too, because he’s simply going to be too expensive.

And he sucks.

He had a fantastic year,

4.40 ERA
1.47 WHIP
41 walks in 75.2 IP
9 ER in 8.2 innings after September 24th...ya know, when we kinda needed him to be good?

But he was 37/38 in saves...the most overrated stat in baseball.

That's like my kid coming home with a report card full of D's and an A+ in home ec. I'd rather have Farnsworth back on the team than Rodney. (shudders)

but it had all the trappings of a career year. Unless your name is Mariano Rivera, your best years as a closer come in your 20s.

Go to hell, Dennis Eckersley, Trevor Hoffman, Lee Smith, Goose Gossage, Rollie Fingers and countless others who saved games effectively, WELL into their 30's.

It’s not a fine-wine scenario in which you age and improve.

Wine sucks. Gives me a headache. Like Jamie Samuelsen columns. Thank goodness I only read him once a month when I'm hard up for material.

Again, I fear that Rodney would get a two- or three-year deal, and we’d be kicking ourselves in year two or three for throwing money at a reliever you don’t even trust to close games.

Like Brandon Lyon. Whom you want us to resign.

Probably totally unfair, given the year that he had,

He sucked.

but I’ve seen too many Rod Becks and Robb Nens and Randy Myerses and John Wettelands who lose it as 30somethings. Why should FRod be any different?

Beck, Nen, Myers, and Wetteland had track records. Rodney has had ONE misleading year. If he gets K-Rod money, I'll poop you out a koala bear.

Adam Everett sure was a smooth fielder,

And oh, that hair!

but he became such a liability at the plate in the second half that I can’t justify bringing him back. Second-half numbers: .207 average, .248 OBP, 17 RBIs. I’m more comfortable with Everett defensively than I am with Ramon Santiago, but not more comfortable enough to justify the drop in offense.

Everett sucks at the plate. But at most, he'll cost $1.5 million, methinks. And who else are we going to get that cheap? John McDonald? Lyon, Rodney, and Polly are all $3-$7 million guys. Why is Everett even in this conversation? Huff or Washburn would have made more sense. Your blogs are about as well thought out as that plan hatched by the balloon kid's family. Want to talk about Matt Treanor, too?

So I’m left with Brandon Lyon, which makes me very uncomfortable.

2.86 ERA
1.11 WHIP
31 walks in 78.2 IP
2 ER in 8.1 IP after September 24th...ya know, when we kinda needed him to be good?

Wait...Lyon WAS good. Why are you uncomfortable? Not enough hate mail yet? I know...WHERE ARE YOUR SAVES, BRANDON? That is how you tell what a good year is!

It’s like when you fill out your NCAA bracket from start to finish and get to the Final Four and say, “This is what I came up with?”

George Washington, Davidson, Tulane, and NC State? Thank God I write sports for the Free Press!

Lyon is what I came up with?

I had Col. Mustard in the study with the candlestick, personally.

But he was one of their best relievers down the stretch.

He was the best one. Granted, with guys like Miner, Fien, and Seay getting bombed every night, the competition wasn't that fierce.

And he’s only 30, so he doesn’t violate my Rodney age rule, either.

Rodney turns 33 in March. Can we quit talking about him like he's Dick Cheney's age, you asshat?

Actually Lyon falls into the Todd Jones category (which must THRILL you),

Tigers all-time saves leader...I'm with you...

where he doesn’t throw hard enough to have the age thing really come into play.

Throwing hard...that's all that counts. ZOOM!

Whether he can he close is the biggest question. And I still think he can.

Empty the bank account, Mr. I...Jamie thinks he can.

Pitching is pitching

Unless you're over 30.

and getting people out is the aim, whether it’s in the first inning or the ninth.

Or if you give up 2 runs every game and still get a save. That's a good outing.

I never bought the whole situational thing. Either you can get guys out or you can't. If Brad Lidge can overcome his postseason demons the way he has, then Brandon Lyon should be able to pitch the ninth.

WTF? Lyon and Lidge. Lyon was good this year. Lidge was an abortion. Lidge was great in the postseason last year...and has been on target this year. Quit comparing apples to Volkswagons.

Okay. Let's forget every stupid thing you had to say and (for some weird reason) concentrate on just Polanco, Everett, Rodney, and Lyon. I agree, the Tigers probably can't afford all of them. Double D has said that some people are going to have to go. You offer Potato Head a one year deal, take it or leave it. You offer Everett one-two years, $1.5-3.5 million. Cheap and it sures up the defense. You tell Rodney to walk into oncoming traffic...let the Cubs or someone overpay his dumb ass. And Lyon? Offer him market value.

Again, saves are the most overrated stat in baseball. Can just anyone close? No, but I don't think closers are as special as they're made out to be. Some are just lucky. (Rodney) Some truly are great. (Rivera) And some, just are given the role and they're either good or bad, depending on the year. (Todd Jones) If Lyon takes a fair deal, let him close. He's earned a shot after 2009. If not, let Zoom, Perry, and whoever else fight it out in the Spring. Rodney did it all year and he wasn't even supposed to close for us...Lyon was.

Another year out of Polanco seems to be the most important signing to me. But don't send me any hate mail over it. Send that to Jamie.

He loves the stuff.

Letters: Volume 6

Dear Sunglasses;
Why do you make me feel like such an asshole? 
Your functional properties are greatly outweighed by your ludicrously sleek appearance, which, when paired with my face, makes me look like I think I’m better than everyone else.  Which I am, but it is imperative that others do not sense this about me because it makes them very uncomfortable and sometimes they even fly into a jealous rage.
I don’t want to feel like a secret agent or a celebrity every time I need to shield my delicate retinas from the sun.   Do you come in any shape other than “secret agent” and “incognito celebrity”?   What’s that?  You also come in “frat brother” and “pilot”?  AND “Bono”?   
Well, Sunglasses, that sure is a lot of variety…  It’s too bad that I don’t want to look like any of those things.  
Do you know how stupid I feel when I walk inside and forget that you are on my face?  Everyone looks at me and thinks “that is completely unnecessary… “
Or sometimes they think “HOLY CRAP I BET THAT’S CHARLIZE THERON!!!” because we look almost exactly alike – especially when I wear sunglasses.   Which is kind of cool except for it’s a little demoralizing to have people look so disappointed when they realize it’s just some normal but still outrageously good-looking person wearing ridiculously large sunglasses.  That’s why I run away whenever someone looks at me.  I am doing them a service by letting them think that they were actually in the same grocery store with Charlize Theron, even though Charlize Theron has probably never been to Montana and may not even know that Montana exists.   That doesn’t matter.  What matters is that those people can go home and tell their spouses and friends and children that they fucking saw Charlize Theron in the grocery store.  Only they probably wouldn’t say “fucking” around their kids - unless they are bad parents, in which case, fuck ‘em.  They don’t deserve to think that they saw Charlize Theron in the grocery store.  And guess what motherfucker?  I’m not Charlize Theron, so you just lied to your kid. 
Anyway, Sunglasses, you can clearly see that you cause nothing but trouble in my life and the lives of others.  You should be ashamed of yourself!
I don’t know what I am hoping to accomplish by writing you this letter.  I know that it is probably a futile effort because you are so stuck on yourself and unwilling to change.  But there is a part of me that hopes there is a tiny kernel of goodness underneath all that shiny plastic and UV-protective tinting – that maybe you’ll hear my message and reconsider your role in the world.   It’s not too late to change, Sunglasses.  You don’t have to spend the rest of eternity as an indicator of douchiness.
It’s just something to think about…

Dear Milk;
What ARE you???  I have spent the past 24 years being blissfully unaware of your trickery.   Just yesterday, I asked myself for the first time “What the fuck is milk actually?” 
I Googled you, Milk.  Do you want to know what Google told me you were?  It told me that you are a “colloidal dispersion.”  That means “water with a bunch of un-dissolved crap in it.”  DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DISGUSTING THAT SOUNDS???  And that is on top of the fact that you come from cow boobies. 
I’m onto you, Milk.  You can’t fool me into thinking that you are just another beverage like orange juice or soda.  I am even beginning to question your validity as an addition to cereal.   That’s just putting larger undissolved chunks in something that is already rife with undissolved chunks.  That is weird and shouldn’t be allowed to happen.
Until you can offer me a suitable explanation for your behavior, I am afraid that I am going to have to boycott you.   I am sorry it has come to this, but what am I supposed to do, Milk?   I feel like I’ve been lied to my whole life and that doesn’t feel very good.  

Dear Papercut;
Fuck you.

Dear Sand;
There are a number of issues I have been meaning to discuss with you.  You are a fairly respectable surface, Sand.  There’s no denying that.   But I feel that there are some areas of your performance that could use improvement.  
The first issue I would like to address is that of your attraction to wet surfaces.  When I have been wading in the water and I decide that I am done wading and ready to put my shoes back on, I am caught in the midst of an irreconcilable conundrum:  do I wade to the very edge of the water and stand on one foot while I try to dry off the other foot so that it is ready to be inserted into my shoe and stood upon so that I can repeat the process with my other foot?  Or do I brazenly walk across you to the parking lot where I will do my best to scrape you off of my feet before inserting them into my shoes again?  
Neither option is really a good option, Sand.  If I choose the first scenario, I almost always end up stumbling into the water and getting one or both of my shoes wet.   This also makes me look like an idiot to bystanders.  If I choose the second scenario, I have made the poorer choice because everyone knows that there is no way to rid your feet of sand without getting them wet again and that will only lead to scenario one again unless you are at a beach with one of those neat little foot-showers.  I love whoever invented those.   Anyway, my point is that if you were less attracted to wet surfaces, this problem wouldn’t exist.  Please think about working on this.
The next issue I would like to discuss with you is that of your inherent opposition to effective forward propulsion.  What I mean is that it is very hard to run on you.  That is all well and fine until I am being chased by a rapist or a murderer.  Then it gets kind of dicey.   Some might say “well, if you are being chased by a rapist or a murderer, just avoid sand… duh.”  But what if I am in the desert?  What then?   Do I just lie down and allow myself to be ravaged and then chopped into tiny pieces and buried?  This is why you need to work on this area of your performance, Sand.  I can’t always avoid you when I am fleeing from rapists and murders. 
Speaking of burying things, do you have any idea how hard it is to dig a hole in you?   For every shovel-full of you I move, you fill in between ¾ and 5/4 of the hole I have just dug – which, if you need to have fractions explained to you - means that I am left with either a pathetically shallow hole or a mound - which is the complete opposite of a hole and not at all what I am trying to accomplish when I have set out to dig a hole.  
With these small changes, you could be unstoppable, Sand.   Everyone would want to be on you all of the time.  You would be the most popular recreation-surface on earth – even above grass because grass makes people itchy and usually that is overlooked because grass doesn’t cling to wet surfaces (at least not when it is still growing in the ground), impede forward motion or prohibit hole-digging.   But if you solved these problems, you would have a leg-up on grass for sure.  
I sincerely hope you consider my suggestions and I look forward to being on you once you have implemented my advice.  

Dear Decoy Deer Statue on the Corner of Adirondack and Willow;
Please stop scaring me every time I run past you.  It makes me feel very stupid when you startle me for the sixteenth time in as many days and I make a choked-up little squeaking sound and frantically paw at the air with my hands before I realize that you are that same damn fake deer that scares me every day.  
Maybe you could move out from behind that bush so that it doesn’t look quite so much like you are lurking? 

Boyfriend Ate Two Whole Bags of Skittles and Now He is Terrorizing Me

Remember how I said “I am going to write another post today”?  Well, I’m trying, but Boyfriend is not being very helpful at all. 

That sentence up there?  The one that I wrote just then?  It took me 27 minutes to complete it.  Do you want to know why?  Because Boyfriend is all cracked out on sugar and excited about Halloween because he is the most festive fucking person I have ever met in my life.  He has been almost constantly interrupting me with a steady stream of overly excited verbal diarrhea, including jewels like:
“Never eat a burrito from both ends… ”  
And “you should Google the ‘Merry Maids’… maybe we can get one and she’ll make me cookies… wait… we don’t have internet, huh?  Remind me to Google ‘Merry Maids’ when we get the internet again”
And  “Do you want to get me some milk?  Are you going to answer me?  No seriously… can you get me some milk please?  Do you want me to be grumpy?”
Guess what he’s doing now?  Really… guess.
I bet you didn’t guess that he is eating a burrito, reading TIME magazine and singing the theme song to Transformers, but that’s what he’s doing. 
He just cracks like this every now and then.  He spends the majority of his time being the level-headed, responsible one in our relationship and then, out of nowhere, he decides to eat two whole bags of Skittles and his blood sugar goes all crazy and he loses his shit and starts doing stuff like bumping into me with the top of his head while laughing uncontrollably.  
He just asked me to get him milk again.  He says that he will write stuff for me while I’m away getting him milk.  
Boyfriend:  Milk is a great source of vitamins and minerals and it helps the body grow to be strong.  It’s nutritious and delicious! Did you know that milk comes from cows? No, seriously, think about that.  That’s fucked up. I don’t care though.  I think they should replace water in drinking fountains with milk.  Not skim milk though. Skim milk is bullshit.
That was Boyfriend.  He wrote that, took one swig straight out of the jug of milk and then said “Mmmm… That’s good.  Can you take it back now?”  And then he set the jug of milk in my lap. 
He is antagonizing me on purpose because I spend too much time blogging and not enough time staring at him and listening to him prattle on about milk.  
Now he is lamenting the fact that FedEx doesn’t go by “Federal Express” anymore because they had to shorten it “since even drunk people can say FedEx and then even drunk people can send packages… try saying Federal Express when you are drunk: (makes incomprehensible sounds)”
Now he is asking me if I ever heard the story of how FedEx started because “it is a story of triumph… like, they should have made a basketball movie about it except instead of basketball, it would be about packages… and about overcoming the odds – can you go to Tassimo dot com?  Oh wait… nevermind.  Are you just writing down everything I say?  No seriously?  Are you?  Stop it!” 
He’s getting kind of mad, but guess what?  Maybe he should stop talking and let me actually write a real blog post.
Now I am trying to convince Boyfriend that my journalistic integrity depends on being able to post the truth about him.  He said “I am going to sue you for libel - I don’t even know what that means, but I’ll do it!” 
Do you want to know what’s weird about Boyfriend?  To most people, he seems introverted, even downright shy.  He almost never talks.  But when we are hanging out in the confines of our apartment, I cannot get him to shut up.  When he is attention starved or hyperglycemic he talks almost constantly.  Right now, he is literally reading every ad in TIME magazine out loud to me.  He is yelling “Pleasing cheeses!!!!!!”  Apparently there is an ad for pleasing cheeses.  It’s like if there are words in his head, they are going to come out of his mouth regardless of whether they are pertinent or even intelligible.   Sometimes he just sits there and makes sounds. 
Okay, he went into the kitchen to make sugar cookies.  He is yelling something, but I can’t really understand him.  I’m just going to ignore him and let him talk it out with himself and then maybe I can actually write something witty or intelligent.  Oh wait… he figured out that I wasn’t listening and he stuck his head around the corner to announce:  “This recipe is crazy!  There’s two of everything – two cups of sugar, two sticks of butter, two teaspoons of vanilla… except the flour kind of fucks it up since there are five cups of it.”
He likes round numbers and orderliness.  He can’t stand it when I dig for cookie dough and mess up the symmetry of the ice cream we are eating.  He has a total boner for charts and graphs – he makes spreadsheets in Excel for entertainment.  
I was going to write a post about my aversion to sunglasses, but -
He just wrote “NANANANANANA” on my thigh.  I tried to stop him several times but he was doggedly persistent in his goal of branding my flesh with his inane scribbling. 
I should probably stop writing and pay attention to him before I end up looking like I passed out first at a frat party.   He is really ruthless when he gets into “drawing-on-skin” mode.  I feel like I am writing in a war-zone with dangerous and chaotic events happening all around me – except for that I’m not really in any danger. 
I’ll write about sunglasses tomorrow.  Maybe.  Or maybe I'll write about something else.  I like to keep things mysterious...

Here is an abnormally tan/orange-looking picture of my thigh with the word "NANANNANANANA" written on it in blue ink.  
I promise I am not actually this orange.  I just had to crank up the saturation of the picture so that I didn't look pasty and also so you could see the word clearly, becuase otherwise I might have just looked like I had a bruise.  
God, please excuse me for this post.  
P.S.  Do you want to hear something interesting about you guys?  I have written much, much longer posts than my last post, but since my last post had 36 numbered steps, you got all intimidated and were like "meh - too long."  I am sorry I made you undertake a multi-step task to read about how I abhor undertaking multi-step tasks.  It just isn't right. 
I always write long posts when I remember to take my drugs.   I still have an ADD brain that has lots of thoughts, but suddenly I have the focusing power to actually express all of them.  You should see me talk - I'm like... well probably a lot like Boyfriend was tonight.  

Funnies / Fortune Teller / Accident / Video...

Hi There Folks,

Last night I went with my sister in law to a friend of hers who was having a Palmist / Fortune Teller to visit. In total there were eight ladies who were having their fortune told . It's some years since I have seen one of these folk and I must admit to being a bit nervous at what he was going to come up with . The result was, I put off my time with him and ended up going into the room where he was consulting second last - the last one being the owner of the house...

The fortune teller was incredibly accurate is several things he said and I was taken aback at some of the things he came up with. The first thing he cottoned on to was that I was feeling the heat and where we were sitting was actually quite cool and I began flushing (which is something which is exacerbated by nerves) I am a member of an internet site which was set up to give help and advice to women who experience problems with menopause ... some of whom are very young - even in their twenties ... He went on to tell my age, what I had done for a living and described Rob and my two sons to a tee, he went on to describing my Mum's character and drew comparisons between my Mum and I which I hadn't been aware of.

A couple of the other things he said didn't seem to make sense though - like getting rid of my aluminium pots and pans (how on earth did he know I had these ?) but to be honest I will be following his instructions and will be getting new ones as soon as possible... and believe me, I will be stocking up on zinc pills from the Heathfood shop. He offered advice about funny pains I had been experiencing at my heart (which I have never said anything to anyone about). Very weird ! and he could tell me about my elder son's wife becoming pregnant again soon and he could describe her very accurately.

He ended up by talking about me doing voluntary work and being engaged in helping adults to read and write ..... This is something which I had been thinking about but was unaware whether or not this would be feasible.. He also had picked up on my interest in drawing and painting practically as soon as I had sat down. So, all in all he was very good at describing a lot in my life and family....

Have any of you ever gone to see a Palmist / Fortune Teller and if so were they able to catch on to what was happening in your lives ??
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Two Old Pals doing what teenage girls and boys do in photo booths all over the world ......

Come with me and picture this .........
in a third grade classroom where there is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there was a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, 'Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.' He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!'

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful .. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie!

She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!' Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, 'You did that on purpose, didn't you?' Susie whispers back, 'I wet my pants once too..'

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.