PC s and other funny things...

Hi Folks,


Well instead of taking my very sick PC to the hospital, I gave it a rest while Rob and I went down to visit my 'wee' (younger) sister in Dumfries and guess what - when I returned and played around with it for a while the ruddy thing came alive..... So, after all the flippen hours I had spent with my books etc trying to make sense of my PC and trying to get photos on my system to work all of a sudden it changed it's mind and decided not to give up the ghost after all .

It's working as it hadn't done for months..... weird, very weird !! I haven't a scoobie what in blue blazes has happened, but it's definitely working better than ever - how long it will last? God knows !! Maybe it was the threat of 'dustbin city' or 'the firing squad' that did it ?? Anyhow, I ain't questioning anything - I will just take every day as it comes and hope it doesn't let me down out of the blue... I must admit that it encouraged me to buy one of these memory sticks so that at least if my system was to take a dive then at least I would have it holding my saved documents and photographs .

My visit with Rob to Dumfries went off really well and on the way back to Glasgow Rob, L, Rach, J and I called at the Gretna Gateway (Outlet) site where we scooped up a few bargains for Christmas pressies and I also bought a ' remembrance of Dorien' present with some of the money which was part of my share from her estate. I bought a beautiful brown leather 'Domo' handbag which had been reduced from £100 to £85 and then down to £35. I must admit that I have never spent that much on a handbag in Lord knows how long and today I went to one of our markets today and swanked it around ...... hehehe...

On checking around the net this morning I came across the next couple of items - Enjoy !


'Smart Ass' Answers - 2009 ......


3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said. The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?' The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'


and the Winning Smart Ass Answer for 2009 ?

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-assed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
Uh Oooohhh !
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

When things go wrong,
as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging
Seems all uphill,
When the funds are low
And the debts are High ,
And you want to smile,
but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with it's twists an turns,
As everyone of us must sometimes learn
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it our,
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you cannot quit.

Are males and females born this way ???





Cheers from the land of the Tartan and Heather, Love Kate xxx.

Our Hero Returns!


Armando Galarraga has been sent on the short bus back to Toledo for 10 days or so. His replacement in the starting rotation is Nate Robertson.

...

Yes. That Nate Robertson.

My reaction? Phew! Just when I was running out of stuff to make fun of. Now I can save all my material on Brandon Inge's ridiculous tattoos for a rainy day! Hooray!

Nate will start Saturday. Hopefully, Zach Miner starts warming up shortly afterwards. We'll probably need him.

Nate is 1-0 with a 7.71 ERA in 21 relief appearances for the Tigers this year. He has thrown 21 innings, giving up 25 hits, 17 walks, and stuck out 17.

In Toledo, he was 1-1 with an impressive 1.89 ERA in 19 innings. His 1.21 WHIP and 21 strikeouts against only 4 walks are also signs of improvement.

No one's rooting for you more than I am, big guy. Make me proud.

Or retire. Either way.

PC Problems...

Hi Folk,


Unfortunately I will have to take my poor sick P.C. down to the Hospital as it is giving up the ghost and is no longer working as it should I can't even post any funny pictures or aught so it must be bad ! I will therefore be offline for a while until the doctors find out what is wrong and fix it.



Cheers to All, Love Kate xxx.

More With Magglio


Jamie Samuelsen has drawn my attention once again.

Sometimes, I really miss the simplicity of working on sports radio.

And if anyone here regularly listens to talk radio, as I often end up doing on my way to work, there is NOTHING more simple than the people that host these shows. Good lord...

If life were like sports radio

I would go on a daily shooting spree?

every issue could be framed in A or B questions. Should we sell our house – yes or no? Should we have a baby – yes or no? Should we go out to dinner or see a movie?

Should we talk endlessly about Brett Favre - yes or no? Should we beat the dead horse that is Michael Vick some more - yes or no?

Did you ever notice that? Most every topic is posed in an A vs. B sequence.

Yup. That's how you get a discussion going. Otherwise, you seem like a know-it-all blowhard like Peter King or Colin Cowherd.

You know – Batch or Mitchell? Batch or Detmer? Brady or Henson (Michigan QBs, not former WDFN hosts)? Keep Millen or Fire him? (Actually, that debate never happened.)

I admit, I am kind of new to reading Samuelsen. Does he insert ramdom Lions nonsense into every Tigers piece he does? Just curious.

The Magglio issue has been hotly debated in recent weeks, but this is NOT one of those keep him vs. dump him issues despite what the hosts and columnists and callers might say. There are a lot of levels to this that seem to get pushed to the side as irate fans scream that Maggs isn’t worth the money and should just be cut.

Well, hell. Everyone is wrong. Thank Aliva that we have Jamie Samuelsen here to straignten us idiots out. Bring it on...just no more Ty Detmer references...cool?

The first and most obvious issue is, and I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this lately, the Tigers offense isn’t the strongest unit ever assembled.

I'm not sure if you've noticed this lately, but you're not exactly Peter Gammons when it comes to covering baseball.

I don’t think they’re really in the position to be dropping hitters here and there. They pretty much need any bat they can get.

Like Gary Sheffield? Will ONE person give me props for calling this at the beginning of the season? JUST ONE?!? I hate you people...

And while Ordoñez has come to symbolize “ALL THAT’S WRONG WITH THE 2009 TIGERS,” that is a little rash.

There is no one in Tigertown that blames Magglio for all of the Tigers problems. The "cut Magglio" people are just being honest. He isn't producing the type of numbers that usually go along with $18 million. We could get 3-4 decent players for $18 million instead of an aging slugger that doesn't produce anymore.

In the month of August, he’s hitting .358 and slugging .585 – better on both fronts than Miguel Cabrera.

You can make any statement using a small sample size, Jamie. I've dealt with your kind before. But since we're going with August, Magglio, in the entire month of August, has only 6 extra base hits. Only two of the six were homers.

In the same time period, Cabrera has nine extra base hits. Since August 1st, Miguel's average has gone up from .336 to .338 and his OBP from .399 to .405. Perhaps you should have compared Magglio to his platoon partner, Clete Thomas, who has gone into the toilet in August. In 35 August at bats, Clete has ZERO extra base hits, his average has dipped from .257 to .242, and his OBP is down to .327 from .343. Why do people love him again? I forget.

He’s not better than Cabrera. He’s not more of a threat than Cabrera. But maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to simply push aside a bat that’s starting to come around.

WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH CABRERA? Quit comparing an aging, falling star to the biggest rising star on the team!

It’s funny. At the trade deadline, so many fans embrace the notion that you have to go for it when you get a shot. You can’t concern yourself with the future if there’s a chance to win this season. Well, there is clearly a chance to win this season. So why are so many concerning themselves with 2010?

It's funny. Magglio Ordonez is not producing. People want to get rid of him and call up someone (or trade for someone) that may have a chance to produce for us. As a bonus, we can get $18 million off the books for 2010 and address the obvious problems of this year's team with that money.

Jamie, I kind of get where you're going with this piece, but Magglio Ordonez is not going to make or break the 2009 Tigers unless he falls into a fountain of youth somewhere...no matter how many seeing eye singles he has put together in August.

But there are some larger issues at play here. And to me the biggest is the future of Tigers free agency. The team agreed to this contract. There was no gun-to-the-head scenario here. And when you sign one of these deals, you don’t put these incentives in place so you can just cut and run when the player approaches them. That’s why they call them “incentives.”

"Incentives" are something you "earn". If you don't "earn" them, you shouldn't "get" them. This isn't like Ordonez is hitting .330 with 30 dingers and they started benching him because they are cheap. Don't be an idiot, Jamie. And no one put a gun to Magglio's head about this option thing at the end. Just saying.

You know that the MLBPA will pitch a fit if the Tigers bench Ordoñez down the stretch -- as well they should. You know that Scott Boras will be heard from as he was earlier this season when Ordoñez was benched indefinitely by Jim Leyland. And in my opinion, Boras and the union will have a very legitimate beef with how their man has been treated. He did what was asked of him, and as of right now, he is one of the most effective hitters on the roster. So why then shouldn’t he play?

The MLBPA pitches a fit about everything. They're a union...that's what unions do nowadays. But to say that Magglio has done what they asked of him this year? Who the deuce asked him to forget how to hit a baseball? Find out and fire them!

But let’s just say the Tigers limit his at bats and make him miss the next year of the contract. Why would any free agent take the franchise at its word in future negotiations?

I'll give you up to 18 million reasons, slick.

You want to create a scenario like the Red Wings have, where players flock to your organization. By dumping Ordoñez, you’re saying to all potential free agency that loyalty is a one-way street. As long as you’re producing, we’re loyal to you. But the minute that drops off, you’re gone.

At my job, I get paid a salary. I'm expected to produce. If I all of the sudden start being terrible at my job, I'm probably going to be fired. This happens in every industry, except perhaps writing for the Free Press.

As for loyalty in sports? What decade are you living in, friend?

We all repeat to ourselves over and over again that sports is a business. And it is. But we’ve all worked in business over the years and a big part of being successful is feeling comfortable. You don’t want to constantly watch your back. You want to be where you feel wanted. And if they Tigers turn their backs on Ordoñez, they’ll be paying for with their image among other players for a long, long time.

I disagree. The Tigers won't be the first or last team to cut ties with a player for money reasons based on a player's lack of production. I think you are making way too much of this. And as for them "turning their back" on Maggs, come on. They've been VERY patient with him. We're getting to the point where you can't fault them for releasing him or trading him for Kyle Farnsworth.

You may hate Boras and what he represents. But he also represents many of the best players in the game. And you can probably kiss those players good-bye for the next 10 years. Hardly the formula for success.

On the contrary, I think Boras and Dombrowski have one of the better agent/GM relationships in baseball. Double D gave big contracts to Maggs and Pudge that no one else in baseball would have given them. Dave has given big contracts to Boras clients coming out of the draft in recent years. Boras and Detroit will be fine, no matter what happens with Magglio.

David Dombrowski is a lot of things. He's a snappy dresser. He can hold a silver dollar in his chin divot. But one thing he is not, is a bad GM. He'll do what is best for the Tigers in the end. I have faith in that.

Magglio Ordonez is my favorite Tiger. His at bat against Huston Street in the 2006 Playoffs still replays in my head every day. But if he has to go for the good of the team, so be it. I don't think it means doom for the Tigers franchise, as you seem to think.

For what it's worth: I'd keep him around. It's not my cash. Send Clete out of here.

Losing Marbles / All About Maxine / A Quick-change Video..

Hi Folks,


Losing your marbles ... meaning Lose your Wits ..... To 'lose one's marbles' is to lose one's mind. In the 1954 film The Caine Mutiny Humphrey Bogart linked insanity with marbles when he showed his character, the demented Lt. Cmdr. Queeg, restlessly jiggling a set of metal balls when under stress in court. Bogart's performance was so affecting that many have supposed the film to be the source of the phrase. It is American, but originated in the late 19th century, not the 1950s. The expression has now been shortened to simply 'losing it'. The point is that the person in question has, as in another earlier variant, 'a bit missing'. Perhaps 'marbles' meant 'mind' or 'wits' before 'lose one's marbles' was coined. That's worth investigation at least, so let's have a go.
Marbles are, of course, the little glass or metal balls that children use to play the eponymous game. From the mid 19th century 'marbles' was also used to mean 'personal effects', 'goods', or more generally 'stuff'. This latter meaning derives from the French word 'meubles', which means 'furniture'. From the 1920s onward two US expressions became established - 'to pick up the marbles' and 'to pick up one's marbles'. These mean 'to carry off the honours or prizes' and 'to withdraw from activity or game and cause it to cease' (like the UK variant 'take one's ball home'). 'Marbles' also meant testicles and has been used that way since at least the mid 19th century.
It has been suggested that the 'losing one's mind' meaning derives from theElgin Marbles. These are the collection of sculptures, some from the Parthenon Frieze, which were taken from Athens by Lord Elgin in 1806. The supposition is that the expression derives from the loss of the artworks by the Greeks, or their subsequent loss at sea when the ship that was transporting them sank. An interesting theory, but no more than that; there's no evidence to support the idea.
It's more likely that 'marbles' was coined as a slang term meaning 'wits/common sense', as a reference to the marbles that youngsters play with. The notion of 'losing something that is important to you' appears to have migrated from the image of a forlorn child having lost his prized playthings. An early citation of this figurative usage is found in an August 1886 copy of the St. Louis Globe-Democrat: He has roamed the block all morning like a boy who had lost his marbles. During the late 19th century, 'losing one's marbles' began to be used to mean 'getting frustrated or angry'. This reference from New Zealand was printed in The Tuapeka Times, in August 1889: For I tell you that no boy ever lost his marbles more irrevocably than you and I will lose our self-respect if we remain to take part in a wordy discussion that ends in a broil. [a quarrel]
This transition to the 'losing one's mind' meaning began in the US around the same time and the Ohio newspaper The Portsmouth Times, reported a story in April 1898 that referred to marbles as a synonym for mental capacity: Prof. J. M. Davis, of Rio Grande college, was selected to present J. W Jones as Gallia's candidate, but got his marbles mixed and did as much for the institution of which he is the noted head as he did for his candidate. The expression took a little time to mature and was used in both 'anger' and 'sanity' senses for a few decades. What is common in all the early citations is the sense of loss and the consequent reaction to it. By 1927, the loss of sanity meaning had won out and an edition of American Speech defined the term unambiguously: "Marbles, doesn't have all his (verb phrase), mentally deficient. 'There goes a man who doesn't have all his marbles.'" So there ya go folks !


The next item on today's blog concerns a cartoon character called Maxine ...


The Creator of Maxine ...... John Wagner, a Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when 'fill in the pumpkins' was about the extent of his art classes at St. John's Catholic School in Leonia, N.J.
John remembers doodling as a pre schooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the Vesper George School of Art in Boston and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group. But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John's professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine. ' Cartoonists are sensitive to the insanities of the world; we just try to humanize them,' John says. 'If Maxine can get a laugh out of someone who feels lonely or someone who is getting older and hates the thought of another birthday, or if she can make someone chuckle about stressful interpersonal relationships, then I'm happy. Putting a smile on someone's face is what it's all about.'
Those smiles have led to Maxine's becoming a bit of a celebrity. She (and John) have been the subject of media stories, including People, USA Today, Good Morning America, The Wall Street Journal, St. Petersburg (FL) Times, and Las Vegas Journal-Review, and they have been included in a major Associated Press story. Collector and trade publications have reported fans nationwide are collecting Maxine items. Letters from consumers and fans to John and Maxine reveal a very personal connection to Maxine.
Many people say they are just like her. Why the name 'Maxine'? 'People at Shoebox started referring to the character as 'John Wagner's old lady,' and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,' John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested 'Maxine'. John says the name is perfect. John, who says he's humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he's proud of her. So, now you know the story of how Maxine came to be.




Cheers from the land of the Tartan and the Heather, Love Kate xxx.

Funnies / Cute Bear Film / A Michael Jackson video

Hi Folks,


Well we have sunshine today in the land of the Tartan and the Heather, which is something of a miracle after the rain and wind of the last few days - it's quite amazing what a difference that big yellow ball being visible makes to everyone, I mean people actually smile at each other...... and talking of smiles today I have loaded a few good smile stories - starting with some Blonde jokes - always a good pool to dip your laughing muscle into - so enjoy !!

Two blondes with hammers (a very dangerous exercise) ... Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanityhouse. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nailpouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

You might think twice about this one ... A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting offyour finger? ''No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.''So then?' asked the doctor.'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 toget my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.''So then?''Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

A blonde was driving home after a game ..... and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the window first!'

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across ..... a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk toask what it was.. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos....... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'' Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing......I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.. 'What's that,' he asked?' Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied... Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied - 'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

and lastly: If I only had a brain ...... A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points. After a battery of physical and psychological tests, the center's director told him that he was an acceptable candidate. "That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive." "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politicians brain is seventy-five thousand dollars." "Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many polititians we would have to kill ?"

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
This video is different from my usual ones, have a looksee - WARNING Don't sit too close to your screen ...... I just about jumped six feet off my seat . It is said to show Michael Jackson's Ghost and is definitely what I would call ...... A Thriller !


I'm ending the blog today with a wee video which shows a wee bear cub and how he manages to escape some danger from a cougar ...... sorry about the quality of the video - sometimes it is inclined to stop every now and again please try and 'bear' with it ... http://www.flixxy.com/cougar-vs-bear.htm

Cheers from the land of the Tartan and Heather, Love Kate xxx.

An Open Letter to my Boyfriend, the Serial Killer

Boyfriend;

I have come to the conclusion that you are probably a serial killer.   Or an alien.  Over the 5 years I've been collecting data on you, you have exhibited some strange and alarming behavior, not the least of which is always remembering to put the toilet seat down (except for one time, but we'll get to that later).   I think I now have enough data to prove, without a doubt, that you are up to no good.

Exhibit #1:

You told me I was beautiful this morning.   One might think that kind of behavior is totally normal until you consider that I looked like this this morning:


This is not the first time you've acted like this.  At first, I thought you were just mocking me, but you say these things with such alarming sincerity - with your soulful brown eyes penetrating deep into my soul.  I am thus forced to file your actions under "serial killer behavior" instead.

You also called me beautiful one time when I was crying - there were fluids oozing out of every one of my facial features, I was drooling on you and I was making water buffalo sounds.  Only a serial killer with a secret, murderous plot to protect could have reason to call someone beautiful at a time like that.


 You did it again when I was sick with the flu (FACT: no one is beautiful when they have the flu.  The flu and beauty are so mutually exclusive that you couldn't fit a Venn diagram of them on the same page.)

You said it one time when you weren't even looking at me.   When I asked you "why do you say that?"  You said "because I was thinking about you."  Were you also thinking about how you were going to get rid of my body??  I immediately locked myself in the bathroom to protect myself and also so as not to ruin the image you had of me in your head.   A boyfriend should not make his girlfriend feel like she has to go hide in the bathroom.  It is abusive and wrong.

Exhibit #2:

As you may have surmised from a previous blog entry, I am experiencing "my time of the month."  Normal boyfriends usually leave well-enough alone during this time, but not you.   Yesterday, you bought me Haagen Dazs milk chocolate ice cream bars for no reason.   I interpreted this to mean either a) you are fattening me up so that you can kill me and eat me or b) you are covering something up.   You are probably covering up the fact that you are trying to fatten me up to kill me and eat me.   Was it the fresh blood that awakened your appetite for human flesh?  

Exhibit #3:

Do you even fart???

Exhibit #4:

You say I am perfect.  LIAR!!

I mean, I once went 4 days without showering because I was too lazy to unpack my shampoo.  Is that something that perfect people do?  How about the time I drank too much and threw up on your friend's shoes?  Or the time I....

...LOOKED LIKE THIS:


  Boyfriend, I'm onto your little game.  You could have at least tried to be a little less transparent about it all.   Did you think that I wouldn't notice when you washed all the dishes just because they were dirty?   Did you think that your little "I love your body" charade was going to fool me?  Boyfriend, I don't know if you've noticed, but I have the breasts of a 9-year-old.  Are you a pedophile??  Maybe you were telling the truth but meant "I love your body" in the "your body looks like it would taste like chicken" kind of way.   Either way, I know what you are trying to do.  

If this behavior continues, I may be forced to seek the help of the law in defending myself against you.   
Consider yourself warned.

Welter


[Asako Narahashi - Kawaguchiko, 2003 via]

Today -- reading Moby Dick on the bus, so keen to the sensations of heat and sweat and the prickle of the rough bus seat fabric on the backs of my legs, reading about Ishmael and his absolute, infinite love for the globules of spermaceti through which he must run his fingers, bursting the casings and returning what had separated off to the vast pot of strange, expensive liquid.

The book is so surprising to me -- just as when I read Don Quixote -- a leviathan of literature that carries ponderous weight with it and yet, upon reading, becomes so fresh, so hilarious, so surprising. It's the sensuousness that surprises me the most -- not the catalogues of facts or the musings on human nature, etc -- it's the shocking, curious sensual descriptions -- Stubbs eating his whale-steaks by whale-light, Ishmael and the spermaceti, the 'Hindoo' fumes of the rendered blubber, the amber-gris in all its perfumed and visceral glory. Twice now I have had vivid dreams taken straight from this book, the most recent featuring a cone of spermaceti ice cream adorned with gold flakes and amber clusters. It was described on the placard as tasting of 4 cinnamon rolls all in one.

Welter


[Asako Narahashi - Kawaguchiko, 2003 via]

Today -- reading Moby Dick on the bus, so keen to the sensations of heat and sweat and the prickle of the rough bus seat fabric on the backs of my legs, reading about Ishmael and his absolute, infinite love for the globules of spermaceti through which he must run his fingers, bursting the casings and returning what had separated off to the vast pot of strange, expensive liquid.

The book is so surprising to me -- just as when I read Don Quixote -- a leviathan of literature that carries ponderous weight with it and yet, upon reading, becomes so fresh, so hilarious, so surprising. It's the sensuousness that surprises me the most -- not the catalogues of facts or the musings on human nature, etc -- it's the shocking, curious sensual descriptions -- Stubbs eating his whale-steaks by whale-light, Ishmael and the spermaceti, the 'Hindoo' fumes of the rendered blubber, the amber-gris in all its perfumed and visceral glory. Twice now I have had vivid dreams taken straight from this book, the most recent featuring a cone of spermaceti ice cream adorned with gold flakes and amber clusters. It was described on the placard as tasting of 4 cinnamon rolls all in one.

Random Acts of Nonsense



I'm bored. We won today. What else is going on in Tigerland?

*It's been a while since I checked in on The Human Money Pit, Nate Robertson. In three starts at Toledo, Our Hero has gone 7.1 innings pitched with a 1.77 WHIP. But, hey...he has struck out 8. Give him a raise, Double D!

*Speaking of the Tigers wasting money, Gary Sheffield is causing drama in New York. Shocker. He apparently asked the Mets for an extension and was denied, to no one's surprise except for Sheff. Now, he is unhappy. The Mets placed him on waivers and he was actually claimed by someone. (Probably those dicks in Chicago.) The Mets pulled him back off of waivers and are now unable to trade him. This year, Gary's hitting .286 with 10 homers and 43 RBI's in 248 at bats with a .846 OPS. I remain the only Detroit Tiger fan in the universe that still wishes Gary's presence was in the Tigers' lineup somewhere.

*And our other highest profile ex-Tiger, Pudge Rodriguez, was traded to the Rangers just as his incentives were about to kick in under his deal with the Astros. Brilliant move on their part to save money. Magglio Ordonez had no comment on the issue.

*The Orioles claimed Chris Lambert off of waivers from the Tigers today. No one noticed or cared.

*Rookie catcher, Alex Avila, who is off to a Wieters-like start (if Wieters had good numbers) has his genitilia stroked (figuratively) by Detroit News writer, Lynn Henning. Henning says "Avila has a streamlined swing and a great eye." This is despite Avila having struck out in 1/3 of his official at bats so far and only three walks. Look...I'm loving what I've seen so far out of the kid, especially when comparing the pop in his bat to that of Gerald Laird. But he's only had 21 at bats coming into today. When the inevitable slump comes, don't be shocked. Instead, admire how he can grow a full beard within six innings. It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen in sports.

*Personal story. There's a new girl at my work. She sees my Tigers hat and asks if I like Brandon Inge. I say no. She looks sad. I ask her if she has a tattoo on her lower back. She says yes. I die a little inside. True story.

*WTF is up with Curtis Granderson? In his last three games alone, Grandy is 0-12 with 7 strikeouts. He was given today and tomorrow off by The Marlboro Man since lefties were/are the opposing starters. Curtis is on pace for 145 strikeouts this season...not what we need in the leadoff spot. We're screwed if the table setter doesn't start hitting. No silly joke here as I really am worried about the only Tiger loved by everyone. (including me)

*Finally...sigh...I feel that I must give a hearty congrats to this guy.

Leader of the Cult of Mediocracy, Clete Thomas, had a great 8 pitch at bat resulting in a walk off single against the Mariners today. Thomas, who despite his .242 Avg, .329 OBP, and .735 OPS, keeps getting at bats in the Tigers lineup and keeps getting raves from deranged Tigers fans everywhere I go. I guess there are things in this world that I will never understand. But, Clete, I thank you. Good job. Your reward for your heroics?

Rape. Your biggest fan, The Marlboro Man himself, appears to have given you the loving embrace that only his wife and the RJ Reynolds Tobacco Company have had the pleasure of receiving in the past. Well done. Now enjoy your shower as the water and tears blend together and you try to keep the sobbing noises down.

Eat 'em up Tigers...eat 'em up.

Dress Size - argghh !! / Stone Soup / Blethers ...

Miss Beautiful Ant ......
Hi Folks,


I have been catching up on my blogging friends sites and the latest one I checked out was Grumpyoldwoman's blog - talk about depressed ! Hey missus, you lucky woman ! You mentioned about not being able to find a dress that fits ...... Holy Moley ! you try being a size 'GARGANTUAN ' i.e. size 20/22 sob sob !! I tell you it's soooo unfair being a woman at times ... especially when 'you know who' (me) was always a size 10/12 till menopause raised it's ugly head, visited me and decided to stay for over 20 years argghhhh !!!
Anyway, I'm not gonna complain - OH no! I checked out my ' Webmaster-Inspireme.Net ' site and found the inspirational story called ' Stone Soup ' ...... It's an 'oldie' but a 'goodie', so I have loaded it on to my blog today, I hope you enjoy it . Oops! I should warn those of you who are of a soft-hearted disposition to have a hankie handy .

Stone Soup ... A story about Sharing
Many years ago three soldiers, hungry and weary of battle, came upon a small village. The villagers, suffering a meagre harvest and the many years of war, quickly hid what little they had to eat and met the three at the village square, wringing their hands and bemoaning the lack of anything to eat. The soldiers spoke quietly among themselves and the first soldier then turned to the village elders. "Your tired fields have left you nothing to share, so we will share what little we have: the secret of how to make soup from stones. "
Naturally the villagers were intrigued and soon a fire was put to the town's greatest kettle as the soldiers dropped in three smooth stones. "Now this will be a fine soup", said the second soldier; "but a pinch of salt and some parsley would make it wonderful! " Up jumped a villager, crying "What luck! I've just remembered where some's been left!" And off she ran, returning with an apronful of parsley and a turnip. As the kettle boiled on, the memory of the village improved: soon barley, carrots, beef and cream had found their way into the great pot.
They ate and danced and sang well into the night, refreshed by the feast and their new-found friends. In the morning the three soldiers awoke to find the entire village standing before them. At their feet lay a satchel of the village's best breads and cheese. "You have given us the greatest of gifts: the secret of how to make soup from stones", said an elder, "and we shall never forget." The third soldier turned to the crowd, and said: "There is no secret, but this is certain: it is only by sharing that we may make a feast". And off the soldiers wandered, down the road.
Awww... that story always does it for me ! Well folks, I've just had a looksee out of the window and guess what - it's pouring it down (as per normal in the land of the tartan) . It looks like we have had our summer for this year - the weather forecast is predicting more rain and wind for the next week or so - aarrrgggghh !!!
The children are back at school, I've just spotted a woman trailing her two children along the road carrying the school bags - they were, not her ! They were 'all happed up' in waterproof jackets against the weather...... Oh how that brings back memories of soaking wet shins being rubbed by yer wellies so that by a few days you would have skinned skins oooooerr! I do so hate the rain! Ach.. never mind, next year we might even be able to have a summer that will last for three weeks rather than two ! Perhaps it may be worth it to have a few words with the 'Man upstairs' and put in a request for a lovely three week summer for next year . Why is it that when I think back to yonks ago when I was wee I remember that summer lasted all the six weeks of the school holidays - everything was soooo much better then wasn't it, well wasn't it ??
I was searching for ages today ...... through all my blogs - I had been speaking to someone who hadn't heard about the 'Tears' Statue which was presented by the Russian people to the people of the USA after 9/11 . (They had never heard of this statue). Anyway, I came across this wee cratur - I couldn't resist posting him here, as he is soo cute, I hope you enjoy seeing him again - his name is Mr Buggable ...
It features Mr. Ace Buggable and he is Miss Beautiful Ant's fiance .... ( she who used to always be shown at the top of my blog and is visiting today waving at everyone like a looney) !
Turn up your sound! Click here: SINGING BUG .


I'm going to end today's blog ...... with a few intelligent sayings I found around the ether......
1) I was born "an old soul", but I get younger every year. Unfortunately, sometimes my body forgets.
2) I've learned that the least 2 "COMMON" things in the world today are COMMON SENSE and COMMON COURTESY.
3) Don't dwell on what you don't want (you will only attract more). The world is like a mirror, it reflects back to you what you project...mentally, verbally or emotionally.
4) If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
5) This last one was sent by Sue B-The Colony, Texas I live in The Colony Texas and go to T.O.P.S (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) and at each meeting we have one person in the group get up and give us information and pep talks. One day someone got up in front of the group and told us this line and she now uses it as her tag line.
"If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got ."



Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.

Keeping Score #3: Tigers/Mariners 8/18/09

Good day, my friends. Did you see that the Rangers traded to get Pudge back today? WTF? I thought we got Laird because Texas had way too many catchers. Oh well…I hope he’s happy there. Though, I doubt it...cranky bastard.

Oh...before we get started. Today's warning...if you don't like doodie jokes and/or insist that I treat Brandon Inge and/or Clete Thomas with respect, go here instead of reading this.

Speaking of trades, today’s the big day. Aubry Huff? Who? I’m talking about Brett Favre! Did you see!?! FAVRE SIGNED WITH MINNESOTA! Bet you hadn't heard...especially on ESPN. Peter King’s genitals exploded today, I guarantee it. Brittfar, Brittfar, Brittfar!

But Huff…yeah. I like the trade. He’s a type A free agent this year, so we get some picks back if he bolts. And hopefully he can drive in some runs for us. Normally, I wouldn’t be too happy about trading a 6’6, 22 year old kid that was our 4th pick last year, but without some sort of bat, we have no chance this year.

Bonine went down? No one saw that coming. Everyone thought it would be Clete or Raburn. Mr. Thomas has performed yet another miracle, it seems.

Brittfar! Hey…how come all the white announcers love Favre and all the black ones hate him? Just asking…

In the pregame, Trevor Thompson claims that the Mariners traded their best pitcher a couple weeks ago in the form of Jerrod Washburn. Trevor, you ignorant slut. King Felix is going to no-hit us today. Just you watch.

Wait…they’re starting the game? But right now, Favre’s giving a press conference in the way that only he (and perhaps Forrest Gump) can deliver one! Cancel the game! BRITTFAR!!!!!

I hope Urlacher cripples that hillbilly prick this year.

TOP OF THE FIRST

-The Brock Lesner of the Tigers, Rick Porcello, is pitching for the first time since making Kevin Youkilis look like a freaking goof. Too bad Mike Sweeney’s not starting for the M’s today. Remember when Jeff Weaver drilled his ugly ass a few years back for us? That was a fun fight.

-Rod says Rick has no future in fighting? He made Youk look like a bitch! Come on, Rod. Back up your boy.

-Carlos Guillen’s in left for the first time since coming back tonight. Get the EMT’s ready.

-Ichiro leads off. A microphone picks up him saying “You! Porcherro! No bean barrs! Keep fastbarr ovel prate! I no Youkirus.”

-Suzuki lines one off of Inge’s glove for a single. Raburn would have caught it. Or turned it into a triple.

-Branyon hits into a double play…the 21st Rick has induced this year. Awesome. Bonderman would be down 2-0 by now.

-Rod calls Rick a “young boy”. Who you callin’ boy?

-Jose Lopez, the worst player to hit third in the majors this year (not named Clete) steps in. He quickly grounds out to Cabrera ending the inning.

-Sweet! Now I can flip back to ESPN! BRITTFAR!!!

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST

-Granderson’s first. Lifetime, he’s hit over .400 against Felix according to the pregame.

-Oops. Curtis strikes out looking. Screw the stats today.

-Placido Polanco continues to hit, singling to right. Scott Sizemore curses under his breath. Now that he's hitting, think 'ol Double D might be thinking about signing Polly for one more year?

-Nothing got hit to Guillen in the top of the inning. Thus, he didn’t manage to hurt himself and is up next.

-Carlos lines out to short. He's obviously exhausted from running out to a defensive position for the first time in ages.

-Miguel Cabrera is up…let’s see if he feels like trying today. He’s 4 for 8 lifetime against King Felix. Let's hope he has a big day.

-Solid single to left. First and second, two out. Bring up our new savior.

-Big round of applause for Huff. Hey, he looks kinda buff. As an out, he is certainly tough. Hope he had enough time in Baltimore to pack his stuff. Homer Simpson likes to drink Duff. So far this inning, King Felix has looked rough. Polly acts like he’s going to steal, but it’s only a bluff. Tiger Woods used to be caddied by Fluff. Anyone else remember knuckleball pitcher, Charlie Hough? Okay…I think that is enough.

-He grounds out to first. A run driving in machine, that Aubrey Huff. Know who we should have picked up to be our DH? BRITTFARRRRRR!

TOP OF THE SECOND

-The guy that used to be Ken Griffey Jr. leads off. The Chuck Liddell of our pitching staff wastes little time in striking him out.

-THIS JUST IN! Brett Favre just took a dump! BRITTFARRRRRRRRRRRRR!

-Franklyn Gutierrez, one of the first to be thrown off the Cleveland sinking ship, is up and he too, quickly strikes out.

-Since Rod and Mario claimed Rick isn’t a strikeout pitcher, his struck out the last two guys. I love how that always happens.

-Jack Hannahan, who only plays well against Detroit, is up. Hey, his average is up to .222. I think I’ve seen Jack play more games in person than any other Toledo player…except Mud Hen for life, Mike Hessman, of course.

-He lines out to Granderson. End of inning.

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND

-Clete will NOT be performing any miracles at the ballpark this evening, I’m sorry to say. He used up all his powers today by somehow keeping a MLB roster spot when Huff arrived.

-Seriously, Clete didn’t get sent down? Really? I mean, Bonine is horrible, but aren’t we short a pitcher now?

-First pitch, Clete pops up foul down the left field line. A fan interferes and knocks the ball away from the left fielder! THE CULT IS EVERYWHERE! Don’t mess with him, Langerhans! The Cult has diplomatic immunitity! The umpires are scared, too, and don’t call interference. M’s got screwed there. Good.

-Clete works a 3-2 count after getting away with cheating and finally draws a walk.

-Brandon Inge and his knee with 12% mobility is up. He pops out to shortstop, Josh Wilson. Didn’t they trade for Jack Wilson? I’m confused. But that is par for the course with me.

-Future Hall of Famer, Alex Avila, is up. You’d think his dad would get him a better spot in the order than 8th. Or do they not want to make it too obvious?

-Look, I love how the kid’s played so far. But once teams get a scouting report on him, expect him to struggle a bit. Just saying.

-Ball gets away from the catcher and Clete’s too stupid to take off for second. Come on, dude. The catcher’s name is Rob Johnson, but he doesn’t have ex-quarterback Rob Johnson’s arm. But maybe that's a good thing for him, now that I think about it.

-Next pitch, Avila strikes out and Clete steals second. My God…he can hear me. He really is all knowing. Clete, I’m sorry for everything! Give me 20 million dollars and three Jessica Simpson clones and I promise I’ll be nice!

-Runner on second, two outs, and Adam Everett is up. They show lesbian starting pitcher, Armando Galarraga, in the dugout. He lost 16 pounds by getting sick. John Keating should try that diet plan.

-RBI single for Everett! Awesome! Didn’t expect that.

-1-0 Tigers.

-Everett steals second as Johnson makes another bad throw.

-Next pitch gets away from Johnson…Everett looks like he’s running in frickin’ quicksand…out! Dammit. End of inning.

TOP OF THE THIRD

-Tonight’s text poll: Greatest Grandy catch. The one the other day crashing into the wall, the Sizemore one from earlier this year, or the Wily Mo Pena one from a couple years ago? The Pena one is awesome, but the Sizemore one won us a game. I’m going with that one.

-The M’s leadoff hitter, Butterfingers Johnson, grounds out.

-Ryan Langerhans is up next. He, too, quickly grounds out to Cabrera. Our own Royce Gracie, Porcello, isn’t screwing around much today.

-Josh (not Jack) Wilson is up with two down. Mario calls him “well traveled”. That is announcer code for "he sucks". Rick usually gives up homers to terrible players, doesn't he? But this time, he strikes Wilson out.

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD

-Anyone want to pre-order Lions tickets, the announcers ask? Anyone? Yes, YOU! Oh...you were just stretching? C'mon, anyone? Didn’t think so.

-Wait…they play the Vikings! BRITTFAR TICKETS! BRITTFARRRRRRRRRRRR! At least Lions fans know at least one game won’t be blacked out this year. (And Thanksgiving…that’s two!)

-Granderson will try again to start things off. But he’s an idiot and strikes out looking again. Can we get Legendary Lloyd to quit trying to make Magglio collect his option and have him spend some time with Curtis? Quit looking for the homerun pitch, CJ!

-Mr. Potato Head is 1-1 and steps in. He hits one that Wilson slides over to catch. Throws…OUT! Great play. Why’d they trade for Jack Wilson when they have this guy? Stick with the cheaper Wilson! Everyone knows that.

-Guillen comes up and shows off his Higginson-like power by flying out to the warning track. Wait…did I just make fun of my hero? I’m so bitter…

TOP OF THE FOURTH

-Ichiro leads off. Aliva tells him that it’s an honor to play against him. Ichiro calls him “Arrex Arriva.” Haw…I kill me. Or is it “kirr”?

-Porcello stikes him out. That’s 4 so far.

-AFLAC: Only 2 players have more 200+ hit seasons than Ichiro. Who are they? I’m going with Pete Rose and BRITTFARRRRRRR!

-Branyon is up. He’s under .200 since the All Star break. He K’s looking. Again, Mario claims that Rick’s not a strikeout pitcher. Keep saying it, guys. Maybe he’ll strike out 20 today.

-Lopez grounds out to second. Tito Ortiz Porcello is on a roll.

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH

-Miguel Cabrera stuffs an entire Hot Pocket into his mouth before stepping into the box. I kid…he has lost quite a bit of weight since coming to Detroit.

-Tubby singles up the middle. Hey, he's 2-2.

-Aflac Answer: Rose and Ty Cobb. Well, that was easy. Favre and Cobb…same thing. Hall of Fame rednecks.

-Huff hits into a double play. C’mon…Magglio could have done that.

-Clete’s up. Notice how he looks exactly like a newborn bird? Mouth open, gawky looking.



-Seriously...is there a more awkward looking hitter in the big leagues?

-Rod says Lloyd is trying to make Clete realize that he is a good player. I’d love for them to convince ME that he’s a good player and not a journeyman-at-best waste of a roster spot.

-Sorry, guys. Maybe I'm a bit hard on the kid. I blame you, though.

-Clete strikes out. For the hundredth time, why didn’t we keep Josh Anderson and send Clete down? He has options left. At least with Anderson’s speed, he had a use to us. Forget it! I'm not being too hard on him! I must try harder! I appreciate the walk off earlier this year, Clete, but for crissakes…CLETE THOMAS IS NOT A LEGITIMATE STARTING MAJOR LEAGUE OUTFIELDER! AGGGGHHH! BRITTFARRRRRRR!

TOP OF THE FIFTH

-Griffey’s corpse leads off against Porcello. He taps it to the mound for out #1.

-Ooh…talking about youngest pitcher/catcher combos this year, Mario and Rod work in a Matt Wieters reference! Way to beat me to it this game, guys.

-Gutierrez is next. He becomes a season high sixth strikeout for BJ Penn Porcello. Two down. That’s 13 straight retired by Kid Rick…can we score some friggin’ runs for him? Please?

-Hannahan’s up now. He works the count full before hitting it to Inge. It goes under his glove for an error. Rod blames the knee.

-Put the guy on the DL, dammit. Call up Hessman. Or platoon Huff and Raburn…whatever. Just for two weeks. I know it won’t get completely better. But it can’t hurt for him to rest for a while.

-Rob Johnson is up after the error and promptly becomes the 7th strikeout victim. Porcello is seriously carving this team up today…Verlander style.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH

-Gimpy Knee leads off. The average is down to .247. Can’t catch a grounder? Blame the knee! Can’t hit anymore? Blame the knee! Brett Favre can't make up his mind? Blame Brandon's knee. But don’t put him on the DL. Brandon grounds out.

-Dusty Ryan’s arch enemy is next. I like when Avila is clean shaven at the start of games. By the ninth inning, he has a full beard. That’s awesome. Meanwhile, it took Inge a week to grow a mustache that a 15 year old would make fun of. Well, a 15 year old boy. 15 year old girls find it dreamy.

-Avila K’s again. Gerald Laird feels a bit better about himself.

-Two down, Everett up. Rod brings up Brett Favre…sigh. Of course he did.

-Everett swings at one a foot outside for strike three.

TOP OF THE SIXTH

-15 outs so far by Porcello and only one has been a fly ball. Interesting. He usually starts to flame out in the 6th. Then again, the M's have no offense.

-Langerhans strikes out leading off. That’s 8. Wow. I know this isn’t the most impressive lineup the kid is facing, but it’s still a hellova game for him.

-Josh Wilson is next. And…



-1-1

-Home run on a terrible 0-2 breaking ball down the middle. Who are you, Rick? Fernando Rodney? Waste a pitch, dammit.

-4th career home run for the “Well Traveled” Wilson. It’s always the bad ones that get to him. Didn’t Langerhans get him earlier this season?

-Ichiro follows with a single. He bows to Miguel over there and says “Herro, Cablella-san”.

-Still only one out for Russell Branyon. I once knew a guy that called himself “Russell The Love Muscle”. But he wasn't as creepy looking as Branyon.

-Make it three straight hits as Branyon singles to right. First and second.

-Leyland looks pissed. He also looks like he's going to die any minute. Get some patches, Jim. They help.

-Jose Lopez, who Mario tells me leads the league in double play balls, is up. Rick Knapp comes out to call Porcello names.

-Lopez flies out to Guillen. Carlos not only catches it, but he doesn’t rip out his shoulder throwing it back to the infield. Good job. Two out.

-Ken Griffey Jr. is the M’s last hope this inning. Sadly for them, this isn’t 1991, and Griffey’s hitting .114 this year with 2 outs and RISP. Wow…I could do that.

-Griffey hit his first ever homer off of Tigers pitching great, Eric King. Which dinger was the one where he looked at Sparky Anderson and grabbed his crotch? Never liked Griffey after that.

-Junior draws a walk. Bases loaded. Uh oh.

-The Marlboro Man’s seen enough and is calling for Ryan Perry. It’s amazing how quickly Rick can go from unhittable to lost out there.

-By now, you all must be familiar with the Seay-Lyon from Roar of the Tigers. Perry is part of the lesser known tag team of the Ni-Ryan. I'm about as artistic as Clete is good at baseball, so email Samara about creating that beast. She's awesome at it.

-Perry gets Guitteriez to fly out and end the inning. Phew.

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH

-Porcello and Washburn are shown together. Did Jarrod adopt this kid once he came over? They’re always together now in the dugout. Hopefully Washburn has a Kenny Rogers-like effect on the young guys.

-Granderson leads off. If he K’s again, something needs to be done.

-He strikes out for the third time. Quit looking for the home run pitch, CJ. I say they find him every time he hits a dinger. Get him swinging for the gaps again instead of for the seats. Better yet, those underprivelaged kids he loves so much? Have Andy Van Slyke stand at first with a gun to one of their heads. Curtis strikes out? Bye-bye. Um. I sense I may be alone on this one. Moving on...

-But Van Slyke's nuts. He'd do it if Leyland told him to.

-Polly want a single? I know I do. He’s 1-2 so far.

-Nope. Polanco grounds out to third. Two down.

-Guillen creaks his way up to the dish. He lines out to second. End of inning. Big surprise.

TOP OF THE SEVENTH

-Each team has one run on four hits as we start the seventh. Over on ESPN2, Cris Carter is talking crap about Brett Favre. I still can’t believe they’re playing this stupid baseball game with this earth-shattering Brittfar stuff going on.

-Poll Update: 74% are going with the Sizemore catch. For the first time ever, I am in agreement with Tiger texters.

-Bobby Seay is warming up as Perry strikes out Hannahan. One down.

-Speaking of Bobby Seay…here’s a little known fact about Jen from Old English D. She is a doodiehead. You heard me. A doodiehead. NOW…we are even. Mess with ME, will ya...

-Porcello and Perry are BFF’s, according to Rod. I’ll take his word for it. When has Rod ever been wrong?

-I wonder what Alex Aliva’s favorite reality show is? Can we get Rod on that one?

-Rob Johnson strikes out. That’s 10 combined K’s for Tigers pitching. Two down.

-Langerhans swings wildly at the first pitch. Perry’s looking damn good so far.

-Perry strikes out the side as he gets Langerhans looking. And the peasants rejoice. Bask in the glow of your future closer, people.

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH

-4, 5, and 6th hitters due up. We really need to work some counts and/or do some damage. Either way, we need Hernandez out of this game.

-Is there any above average pitcher in the league that we can score more than 1 run against?

-Cabrera leads off and hits it to third. Hannahan knocks it down and throws him out.

-Aubrey Huff is up looking to end his Imation of Magglio Ordonez and do something productive. Huff lines one up the middle as I type that for a single.

-That brings up Michael Clete Thomas. Sean White’s up in the bullpen. YES, PLEASE! Go to the pen!

-Clete strikes out looking. Sigh. F-you, Leyland.

-We are in first place. With this offense. Think about that. How is that even possible?

-Two down for Inge, who quckly gets down 0-2. Next pitch, strike three. Is there a worse offensive team in baseball?

-(Seattle?)

-Quiet…no one asked you.

-Yes…I’m talking to the voices in my head. Don’t judge me.

-Hernandez is only 23 years old. Jeez…

TOP OF THE EIGHTH

-Josh Wilson leads off with a single. Hernandez is getting congrats from teammates in the dugout, so hopefully, that prick is done for today.

-Leyland can’t believe that Perry was as dumb as Porcello to give up a hit to Wilson, so he yanks him. Cue Bobby Seay and his irritating chinstrap beard.

-While Bobby warms up, I flip back to ESPN2. Sure enough, it’s still all about Brittfar! They’re talking about if signing a 40 year old washed up grey bearded quarterback with only three weeks until the NFL season starts makes the Vikes the favorite to win the Super Bowl.

-F-you ESPN.

-Seriously.

-Ichiro is the first guy Seay will face. He seems upset to see the right hander (that he calls “Lyan Pelly”) is out of the game. Sorry…it doesn’t get old!

-Ichiro leads the AL in intentional walks. Rod seems very surprised. But if you think about it, Ichiro is the only Mariner hitter that isn’t a piece of excrement. Of course people are going to walk him!

-I'm willing to bet that Ichiro is good at match, too. I believe I may be officially out of stereotypes, now.

-Double to right field…crap. Second and third, no outs. Branyon coming up. Cue the ominous music.

-Wow…replay shows that pitch from Seay was a foot inside and Ichiro hit it for a double. I don’t know if even Pujols could hit a pitch like that.

-3-0 on Branyon. Uh oh.

-Branyon swings for the fence and flies out to Clete. Both runners move up.

-2-1 Mariners.

-One out, runner on third, and they’re going to walk Lopez to pitch to Old Man Griffey.

-I was 11 years old when Griffey made his debut. Holy hell, that prick is old. And he still looks 24 years old! Well, in the face, he does. The rest of him is very Carlos Guillen-ish.

-Flyout by Griffey to center and Ichiro scores.

-3-1 M’s lead.

-Runner moved to second on the throw and Guiterriez is up with two down.

-They’re going to walk him to pitch to Hannahan. Why not?

-3-0 to Hannahan. Seay looks like crap today.

-White Sox lead KC 4-1 behind…Freddy Garcia? Really?

-Ball four. Bases loaded. I don’t feel well.

-Rob Johnson is up. Can’t believe Seattle isn’t pinch hitting Johjima or someone else here for Johnson.

-Flyout to right. We need runs.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH

-Blake texts me that he hates Bobby Seay. Blake hates the entire Tigers bullpen, except for Fernando Rodney. I generally like the Tigers bullpen...EXCEPT for Rodney. We might have to fight about this one day. But SOMEONE up and ran away to Connecticut...haw.

-I bet Connecticut people are excited about Favre coming back. White folks LOVE them some BRITTFARRRRR!

-Mark Lowe is the new pitcher. Thank you for the opportunity to come back, Seattle. Felix was tough today.

-Avila is first up and HA! Home run #3 for Alex! I can’t believe it.

-Screw it…PRAISE AVILA! I will join your bandwagon, Tiger fans! (EventhoughIstillthinkCletesucks.)

-Ramon Santiago will hit for Everett. Fine by me. Base hit to right! Taking Hernandez out…not wise, methinks.

-Speaking of which, no one is happier to see Felix gone than Granderson. 3 K’s so far.

-Granderson weakly pops up in foul territory. Does his knee hurt, too? Geez…

-Polonco up with one down. Double play ball to short…..MUFFED BY WILSON! So THAT’S why they got JACK Wilson! First and third, one out.

-Guillen up…THIS is why Cabrera should be third in the lineup. I don’t trust Carlos again just yet.

-If Carlos hits into a DP here, I’m going to kill a neighbor of mine at random. Just you watch. I will effing do it.

-Carlos works it to a 3-1 count. Cabrera on deck. Fans are on their feet. Ball four! Loaded for Miggy Smalls!

-Put the Ding Dongs away, Miguel! We’ve got a game to win!

-He pulls a Pedro Cerrano on the first breaking ball and misses by two feet. Sigh.

-Lowe is a moron and gives him a fastball down the middle….BASE HIT! Two runs score! Eff you, Felix Hernandez!

-4-3 Tigers lead!

-Thanks again for that error, Josh Wilson. Expect to be DFA’d any day now.

-Aubrey Huff is up and could really make a lot of new fans if he can knock in the runner on second. Mariners are going to the pen.

-While we’re at commercial, here’s a fun fact. If we hold on and win, Bobby Seay’s going to get the win. That is why wins as a pitching stat are the most overrated stat in baseball, despite what Joe Morgan will tell you.

-Raburn is running for Guillen at second. Sean White is the new M’s pitcher. As long as it isn’t Felix, I could care less.

-Huff launches one to the warning track in center. That’d be a homer in a lot of places. Welcome to Detroit, Aubrey.

-Raburn goes to third. Two outs, first and third, and…Clete is up.

-Cabrera is caught off of first….dammi…wait! Raburn breaks for home! Instead of tagging fatty Miguel, they throw home….SAFE! Raburn scores as the M’s make another stupid play in the field. And you all wanted him sent down in favor of Clete. Oh well…we all win. Bonine’s gone.

-5-3 Tigers!

-Clete flies out because he is terrible at baseball. Rodney’s coming in. Do a shot and come back for the ninth, kids!

TOP OF THE NINTH

-Raburn’s in left and Santiago’s at short. Rodney’s on the mound.

-Rod says Rodney’s been outstanding this year. I say that Rod is a meth addict. Neither of our statements are true.

-Ryan Langerhans leads off the ninth with a single to center. Uh oh.

-(Fills glass with vodka. Takes three big gulps.)

-Where was I?

-Wilson is up. He has a homer and the biggest error of his life today. 1.44 ERA for Rodney in save situations. 5.67 ERA in non save situations. Why? That’s what frustrates me about this guy. He has the ability!

-Wilson is out, thus bringing up Ichiro.

-“Felnando Lodney” gets ahead of Suzuki 0-2. He laces one up the middle for a single. First and third, one out. That’s four hits for Ichiro.

-Branyon’s up. Raburn’s heads up run is looking HUGE right now. Hopefully that makes up for his screw up on Sunday that everyone’s crucifying him for.

-Calm down, Clete. When I said "crucify", I wasn't talking about you. Yet.

-Ichiro steals second as Avila almost throws it into center field. Nice catch by Santiago. Second and third, one out. I need a paper bag to breathe into…

-Branyon strikes out! Two down for Lopez.

-A base hit ties the game. It also causes me to go on a violent killing spree, so let’s hope Fernando gets him here.

-The Royals have tied it! Eat that, Freddy Garcia.

-Griffey’s on deck. Mario says we don’t want to face him. Why not? Does he have a time machine with him? Griffey is terrible! Mario…I love ya, but you are a frickin’ moron sometimes. (FSD…please bring back Josh and Gibby. The D-Backs will be firing all their coaches soon, anyways.)

-Lopez works the count full. Crowd is chanting Rodney’s name. They never did that for Todd Jones. Well, they did. But they were all carrying torches and pitchforks.

-25 pitches for Rodney this inning so far. I hate him more than I hate AIDS in children.

-Foul ball again.

-Another foul.

-STRIKE THREE!

-Tigers win, 5-3!

-The Tigers are 55-0 when leading after eight innings, Mario tells me. No kidding.

-Fun game that Seattle should have won. If you’re going to make the playoffs, though, you have to steal some games. Great job, guys.

-Thanks for reading, kids. Seeya next time.

-BRITTFARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Thing of the Day: Uterus. Rating: NOT AWESOME


Disclaimer for male readers: this post may make you feel weird inside, almost like being molested.  I apologize in advance for alienating you.  Please don't go away.  


Uterus, f**k you.  Where do you get off?  (And why is it so hard to insult you without making some sort of sexual innuendo?) 

Every month, you waste my hard-earned bodily resources to build a fitting environment for the godda**ed baby you are so sure we are going to be having.  


Every month, you end up having to clean house and start over because, guess what?  WE ARE NOT HAVING A F**KING BABY!!!  POSSIBLY NOT EVER IF YOU KEEP UP YOUR STUPID SHENNANEGANS!!!  

You seem to have figured out that I will not allow you to make a baby and are therefore continuing your obnoxious behavior just to spite me.  


Let me be very clear, uterus:  If you keep on making my life a living hell every month when you don’t get your way, I will forgo motherhood just to piss you off.  I will see to it that you do not come into contact with so much as a single drop of semen for the rest of your natural life.  Do you understand? 


And being overly dramatic will not solve anything. 


Am I supposed to feel sorry for you when you are lying around bleeding like that?  That’s my f**king blood you are wasting!  Have you ever stopped to consider how your childish tantrums affect my life?


You see, uterus, you are attached to my other organs and when you thrash around in anger, they become quite upset.  Your little hissy fits prevent me from doing anything that cannot be accomplished while in the fetal position. 


Also, you have somehow convinced my cells that they need to stock up on water for the apocalypse.  This is not funny.   I do not enjoy having to cart around the extra 7 pounds of water that my freaked out cells are hoarding away because of your fear-mongering.  It makes me feel gross and unattractive.


I know that you want a baby.  I know that it is upsetting for you to go month after month un-impregnated.  But you need to learn how to deal with your feelings in a more constructive manner. 



You see, when you carry on like this, it makes me think that there is something wrong with you – that maybe you wouldn’t be able to construct a fetus properly.  


You need to earn my trust before I can trust you with the responsibilities of building a baby.  



A major step in the right direction would be for you to grasp the concept of punctuality.


You are supposed to work on a 28-day schedule.


 I don't want to spend every month of the rest of my fertile life vacillating between desperately searching for emergency tampons and wondering whether you have indeed achieved your goal of harboring a baby because you are 14 days late for your shift.  


Secondly, no more temper tantrums.  You are supposed to be a nurturing and gentle organ so stop acting like some strung out schizophrenic with a God-complex.


Thirdly, be nice to the other organs.  They are more important than you.  In fact, I could live without you completely if I so desired, so stop acting so godd*mn important.  You are a floppy pouch of extremely stretchy skin - big f**king deal.  Get over yourself.


  
Sincerely,


Allie 

Thunder-heads


[ Coelenterata via BibliOdyssey]


Reading Moby Dick at the moment, while also trying to finish papers and projects.

As before, the Pequod steeply leaned over towards the sperm whale's head, now, by the counterpoise of both heads, she regained her even keel; though sorely strained, you may well believe. So, when on one side you hoist Locke's head, you go over that way; but now, on the other side, hoist in Kant's and you come back again; but in very poor plight. Thus, some minds for ever keep trimming boat. Oh ye foolish! throw all these thunder-heads overboard, and then you will float light and right.

Thunder-heads


[ Coelenterata via BibliOdyssey]


Reading Moby Dick at the moment, while also trying to finish papers and projects.

As before, the Pequod steeply leaned over towards the sperm whale's head, now, by the counterpoise of both heads, she regained her even keel; though sorely strained, you may well believe. So, when on one side you hoist Locke's head, you go over that way; but now, on the other side, hoist in Kant's and you come back again; but in very poor plight. Thus, some minds for ever keep trimming boat. Oh ye foolish! throw all these thunder-heads overboard, and then you will float light and right.

Pizza?/Beach Bum/ Mermaid-Whale?/Queensland Jackeroo.

Hi there folks - want to order a Pizza in 2015 ??

This is very funny but the scary part about it is that it's probably not too far away from being reality. Click the link and see! Turn up the volume, listen closely and watch the pointer!
http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf

A Beach Bum of sorts ......

A couple lived near the ocean ...... and they used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so. Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. 'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.
'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. 'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.' 'Batteries?' cried the wife. 'Yes!' he replied...... 'You're really gonna dislike me for this - but it will make your day!!!'

"She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!"


Recently in a large French city...... a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said: THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE? A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern: Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant andhave adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have nopredators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired byalmost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining upoutside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either. Not to mention who wants to getclose to a girl who smells like a fish store? The choice is perfectly clear to me;
I want to be a whale !

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no moreroom it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy,we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Sooo, beginning today ! When I look at my butt in the mirror I will say to myself - just look how smart I am ......


I thought this would give you a good laugh ......... A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?' The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing mob and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connectsit to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on theInternet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to animage processing facility in Hamburg, Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the imagehas been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.''That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?' The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'' 'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo.'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?' 'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a mob of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'
__________________

Cheers from the land of the Tartan and Heather, Love Kate xxx.