Magic Number: 2 (Get 'em, Nate)

Nate Robertson takes the mound against the evil astroturf loving Twins of Minnesota and can clinch the division for our Tigers with a win. Are you expecting some sort of smart-alec comment here? You will get none from me. Nate will earn his cash today. I can feel it. Either that...or I may have a tumor growing in my brain. Look at the Twins career numbers against Our Hero.

Nate Robertson (2-2, 5.56 ERA, 1.79 WHIP in '09) vs. the Twins

Denard Span: 1-8
Orlando Cabrera: 21 AB, .429, 0, 4
Joe Mauer: 38 AB, .289, 1, 6
Michael Cuddyer: 49 AB, .204, 3, 9
Delmon Young: 16 AB, .188, 0, 0
Jason Kubel: 0-13!!!
Mike Redmond: 20 AB, .300, 0, 5
Alexi Casilla: 18 AB, .222, 1, 3
Nick Punto: 26 AB, .308, 0, 3
Matt Tolbert: 2-4

Justin Morneau is dead. He has 4 career homers against Sir Nate and will not be a factor. Nate can take these pricks. On the other side of the coin?

Scott Baker (14-9, 4.48 ERA, 1.17 WHIP in '09) vs. the Tigers

Curtis Granderson: 43 AB, .233, 4, 6
Placido Polanco: 33 AB, .212, 0, 3
Magglio Ordonez: 36 AB, .444(!), 2, 6
Miguel Cabrera: 16 AB, .250, 1, 4
Aubrey Huff: 2-8
Carlos Guillen: 25 AB, .440(!), 1, 3
Brandon Inge: 31 AB, .194, 0, 3
Gerald Laird: 1-3 1 RBI
Adam Everett: 1-2
Ramon Santiago: 6-12, 2 RBI (go, Ramon!)
Marcus Thames: 24 AB,.292, 4, 6
Clete Thomas: 1-9, 2 RBIs

Our guys have seen a lot of Baker and a few of them drill him. Keep Huff and Everett out tomorrow and get Marcus and Ramon in there. Don't pull Magglio in the 6th inning (damn you, Marlboro Man) and let the guy keep hitting. Take this from the despised Twinkies and coast against Chicago.

Pitch EJax on Friday, Figaro on Saturday, and keep Verlander as far away from a mound on Sunday as you can. Let Bondo pitch...or Armando. Is he still alive? Let Dusty Ryan catch 2/3 games and rest poor Gerald Laird. Then, we're actually set up for the Yankees in the playoffs with JV, Dreamboat Rick, and EJax as the 1-2-3 punch.

I'm excited about playoff baseball. Get us there, Nate.

I think I just threw up in my mouth...

Doctor John Rae - Scottish Doctor and Explorer

Hi Folks,

Dr. Rae's home in Orkney and the Doctor / Explorer himself.

Hi Folks,

I was sitting watching television last night ( which is not altogether unusual ) and a programme came on which was hosted by Billy Connolly who can make me laugh though this wasn't a comedy but a sort of travel/history one and as he can be very entertaining I settled to watch it. What I saw was really interesting and caught hold of my imagination so much so that I am relating the content below.... Yeah I know it's totally different from my usual ' funnies' but I'm sure that 'some' folk will be interested enough to scan through the content - even though it's quite a length. I can't help but wonder how Dr Rae's decendants must feel about their ancestor not getting any recognition for the work he did but anyway - have a look ...

I know that I'm a very insignificant human being in the scheme of things but as far as I can see Dr Rae was a big hearted intelligent helpful and courageous man who was also an Orkney Island Scotsman, unfortunately his good deeds were ignored due to some very unfortunate ignorance at the time and I, like many hope that he eventually gets the recognition that he deserves.

My Thanks to Wikipedia for a lot of the background information ...

A memorial to Sir John Franklin (the man who got the kudos for the expedition) lies within Westminster Abbey with the wording – “To the memory of Sir John Franklin, born April 16 1786 at Spilsby, Lincolnshire, Died June 11 1847, off Point Victory in the frozen ocean, the beloved chief of the gallant crews who perished with him in completing the discovery of the North West passage.”

Now, It is well known that in fact it was the Orcadian explorer John Rae who in 1848 was the first to identify and map the navigable link of the North West Passage. This is something which has again come into the public debate following Billy Connolly’s recent television program on the subject.

The MP for Orkney and Shetland Mr Carmichael said –

“The proximity of Westminster Abbey to the Palace of Westminster gives me the opportunity to pursue this aspect of John Rae’s legacy fairly easily and I intend to do so. It is not unreasonable to expect that another small sign might be placed alongside the memorial to Sir Franklin clarifying the proven position. The fact that a sign of this sort should have been erected in a place such as Westminster Abbey is itself of historical interest. John Rae was denied his proper recognition in his lifetime, it is to be hoped that these errors can at last be rectified.”

Mr Carmichael has also tabled a motion in the House of Commons calling upon Westminster Abbey amongst others to recognise the historical inaccuracies contained within their inscriptions and give John Rae his rightful recognition.

He recorded his admiration for all those in the nineteenth century who contributed to the exploration of the North West Passage in Canada; and congratulated Billy Connolly on his recent programme, “Journey to the Edge of the World” retracing their steps; further congratulates Mr Connolly on his conclusion that it was not in fact Sir John Franklin but John Rae who was the first to discover the final link to the passage while searching for the lost Franklin crew in 1848; regrets that memorials to Sir John Franklin outside the Admiralty headquarters and inside Westminster Abbey still inaccurately describe Franklin as the first to discover the passage and calls on the Ministry of Defence and the Abbey authorities to take the necessary steps to clarify the true position

Dr. John Rae was a Scottish doctor who explored Northern Canada, discovered the final part of the Northwest Passage and reported the fate of the Franklin Expedition .

He was born at the Hall of Clestrain in the parish of Orphir in the Orkney Islands. After studying medicine at Edinburgh he went to work for the Hudson's Bay Company as a doctor accepting a post as surgeon at Moose Factory, Ontario where he remained for ten years. He became known for his prodigious stamina and skilled use of snow shoes. He also learned to live off the land like the Inuit. This allowed him to travel great distances with little equipment and few followers, unlike many other explorers of the Victorian Age.. Over two months in 1844-45 he walked 1,200 miles, a feat that earned him the Inuit nickname Aglooka (he who takes long strides). In 1846 Rae went on his first expedition and in 1848 joined Sir John Richardson in searching for the Northwest Passage.

By 1849 Rae was in charge of the Mackenzie River District at Fort Simpson. He was soon called upon to head north again, this time in search of two missing ships from the Franklin Expedition. While exploring King William Island in 1853 Rae made contact with local Inuit, from whom he obtained much information about the fate of the lost naval expedition. His report to the British Admiralty carried shocking and unwelcome evidence that cannibalism had been a last resort for some of the survivors.

Franklin's widow Lady Jane Franklin was outraged and recruited many important supporters among them the writer Charles Dickens who wrote several pamphlets condemning Rae for daring to suggest the man of the doomed Franklin expedition would have resorted to cannibalism.

In 1860 Rae worked on the telegraph line to America, visiting Iceland and Greenland. In 1864 he made a further telegraph survey in the west of Canada. In 1884 at age 71 he was again working for the Hudson Bay Company, this time as an explorer of the Red River for a proposed telegraph line from the United States to Russia.

John Rae died in London on 22 July, 1893. A week later his body arrived in Orkney. He was buried in the kirkyard of St Magnus' Cathedral, Kirkwall. A memorial to him is inside the cathedral.

Rae Strait between King William Island and the Boothia Peninsula, Rae Isthmus, Rae River, Fort Rae and the village of Rae-Edzo (now Behchoko). Northwest Passage were all names for him.

The outcome of Lady Franklin's efforts to glorify the dead of the Franklin expedition meant Rae was shunned somewhat by the British establishment. Although he found the last link in the much-sought-after Northwest Passage Rae was never awarded a Knighthood, nor was he remembered at the time of his death, dying quietly in London. In comparison fellow Scot and contemporary explorer David Livingstone was knighted and buried with full imperial honours in Westminster Abbey.

However, historians have since studied Rae's expeditions and his roles in finding the Northwest Passage and learning the fate of Franklin's crews. Authors such as Ken McGoogan have noted Rae was willing to adapt and learn the ways of indigenous Arctic peoples, which made him stand out as the foremost specialist of his time in cold-climate survival and travel. Rae also respected Inuit customs, traditions and skills, which went against the beliefs of many 19th century Europeans that most native peoples were primitive and of little educational value.

In March 2009 Shetland MP Alistair Carmichael introduced into U.K. parliament a motion urging it to formally state it "regrets that memorials to Sir John Franklin outside the Admiralty headquarters and inside Westminster Abbey still inaccurately describe Franklin as the first to discover the passage, and calls on the Ministry of Defence and the Abbey authorities to take the necessary steps to clarify the true position."

Now some people may say 'why bother' so much time has elapsed since but I wonder how you would feel if one of your ancesters was ignored and not recognized for something he did ... I wonder if there will be any change in the status of Dr Rae ??

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.

P.S. Normal service will resume in my next blog entry - I just couldn't stop myself from bringing this out into my part of the Blogosphere.
P.P.S. Here endeth the lesson - you'll be glad of that no doubt hehehe...

Letters: Volume 3 (Magazine Edition)

Okay you guys, this is the last Letters post for awhile - I promise.   We'll move on to something else tomorrow.   But I had to post this one.  It's just too sexy not to post.  You'll understand shortly... 

Dear Cosmopolitan Magazine;

I have written a column about 100 ways to spice up your sex life.  I think this piece would be a refreshing departure from your usual lineup.

I promise, you have never, ever, ever heard these ones before.  These are completely new concepts.  My article does not contain one single word that your readers will recognize from previous issues.  I have most definitely not listed exactly the same things on every other list you have ever published except with a few bizarre twists that no guy actually wants done to him.

My revolutionary list entices the reader to "try massaging your partner's perineum with Neosporin" or "tie your partner up with a rope made from completely renewable resources that costs $4 more than other ropes" or "try exploring each other's erogenous zones - and do it while wearing a scuba mask and singing along to Sting's 'Every Breath You Take.'"

And I have liberally applied the concept of combining the word "sex" with other words.  For sexample:  sexceptional, sexorcism, sextraterrestrial, sexcommunication, sexistentialism, sexport, sextermination, sexaggerate, sextrapolate, sexponential, sextreme, sextemporaneous, sex (that's sex combined with ex - like if you had sex with your ex boyfriend, you'd say you had "sex." LOL), FedSex, complsexity, sextrovert, sexamination, sextortion, sexplosive diarrhea, Kleensex, Microsoftcore sExcel, sexcalibur, sexacerbate, sexalted, sexasperated, sexcavation, sexceedingly, sexcrement, sexcretions, sexcruciating, sexcuse me, sexcuse moi?, sexecutive branch, sexecutive power, sexecution, sExedrine, sexemplify, sexonerate and my personal favorite, which is the very embodiment of what your magazine is all about: sexfoliate.  ISN'T THAT THE MOST AWESOME THING YOU HAVE EVER HEARD?   I bet you are just shitting yourselves over being able to publish that word for the first time.

But that list is not representative of the magnitude of my actual collection of sex/word hybrids - it is just a sexerpt!  If you want, I can sexplain more clearly.  LOL (that means "laughing out loud" which I'm not really doing - more like chuckling or merely breathing a little faster, but still).

If you don't feel comfortable publishing such a reformative piece, I have also prepared a list of 10 Must-Have Items for Fall.   Just a hint - it doesn't include an EPMotion automatic pipetting machine.  Or does it??

You won't regret your decision to publish me.


Dear Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition;

Here is my submission:

You're welcome.


Dear Time Magazine;

I am writing to request inclusion on your list of 100 Most Influential People.   I don't know if you've noticed, but I have over 100 followers on Blogger.   I get roughly 200 page hits every single day.  Well, except for Saturday and Sunday.  Apparently my readers have better things to do on the weekend than devote every waking second to reading my blog and commenting.  It's okay.  My feelings aren't hurt or anything.

Anyway, I would like it if you would include me on your list - possibly in your top 10.  And please use the following picture on my two-page spread:

Because I think your readers would appreciate seeing a sexy woman featured prominently in your magazine. I mean, don't you think they ever get tired of constantly seeing boring pictures of men in suits?  Playboy didn't get famous for covering the conflict in the Middle East.  Just saying...

Anyway, you can visit my blog if you want to check out my qualifications.   I think you'll find my style to be intelligent and engaging yet never heavy-handed.  I address tough issues with poise and clarity while still maintaining the image that I am speaking directly to each and every American.  I'm kind of like a younger, whiter, female-er Obama.
Okay, TTYL.


Funny Story / Shipwrecked / Household Hints / Wild Video .

Hi Folks,

A married couple were in a terrible accident ...

where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After All, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?' 'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

A Story with a message ......

A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert like island. The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island. The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren. Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food. The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing. Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island. He boarded the ship and decided to leave the second man on the island.

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming, "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?" "My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them," the first man answered. "His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything."

"You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked. "He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of my blessings." "Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "what did he pray for that I should owe him anything?"

"He prayed that all your prayers be answered."

Our blessings are rarely the result of our only our own prayers but also the fruits of others praying for us.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Household Hints ......
Did you know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers?

Did you know that Colgate Toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns?

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 tablespoon horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product was never advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes... cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus
: Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine Mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... to prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear Nail Polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... if menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover: Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's Tomato Paste boil cure... cover the boil with Hunt's Tomato Paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters... to disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine
, a powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises... soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... it's not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Have a decco at this wee video, it's called Future Engineers ! Having spent some time in Norway and seen the children out at play - it would not surprise me to know that they were up to 'all sorts of things like this' ... They are a hardy and imaginative lot ...... hehehe !

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.

THE TEAM: Team Meeting

Warning: The following contains adult language, questionable taste, and humor that probably only myself and two others will find funny. Consider yourself warned.

Dave Dombrowski: Thank you for attending this meeting, gentlemen. I know this is highly unusual for a general manager to address a ballclub, but Jim and I felt this was necessary. This series with the Twins is, quite frankly, huge. Not only for myself and all of you, but for the entire city of Detroit, as well. Tomorrow, we are honoring the 25th Anniversary of the ’84 championship club and we’re sure to have a full house. I’m sure many of you are nervous, but I have the utmost confidence in each of you, despite our recent woes against the Twins. Are you all feeling well?

Brandon Inge: Yes, sir! Golly, I’ve NEVER had butterflies like THIS before! But we’re gonna go get ‘em, boss! You betcha! 110% from ALL of us.

Gerald Larid: For shizzle! G Money’s gonna light some sh-t up, Skip! Ain’t NO ONE gonna keep G Money down!

Jim Leyland: (lights cigarette) Cough, Gerald, you’rehitting .220. Worryaboutdefense. Cough, wheeze...

Laird: That’s G Money, son.

Leyland: Whatever. Justin! (lights another cigarette) Cough, JUSTIN! Youreadyforthisseries? Cough, cough...

Justin Verlander: (stares straight ahead intensely)

Leyland: JV! (deep inhale) Cough, Justin! Youreadytogo? Cough!

Verlander: (calmly begins sharpening knives staring straight ahead)

Laird: Yo, skip. Doncha go worryin’ about ‘ol JV! G Money’s got my man READY!

Inge: Gerald, why do you speak like that? You’re among your friends! Your buddies! Your teammates! There’s no need to be something you’re not.

Laird: Hey, G Money’s just keepin’ it real, white bread! Don’t go frontin’ on me.

Clete Thomas: Can y’all keep it down? Nascar’s on! If Dale Junior don’t get his head out his ass, ‘ol Clete might have to whip that sumbitch.

Leyland: Clete! Turnthatsh-toff! (starts to light cigarette)

Inge: I’ve got that, sir! (lights Leyland’s smoke)

Laird: Yo, Brandon, quit being a kiss ass. G Money don’t kiss NO ONE’s ass!

Dombrowski: Calm down, everyone. Let’s focus on the Twins. Now, I’m told that our beloved hitting coach, Lloyd McClendon, has put together one heck of a scouting report on the Twins pitchers for this series. I know we’ve had some struggles with them, especially Carl Pavano, but I’m told Lloyd has found some weaknesses we can exploit. Right, Lloyd?

Lloyd McClendon: (snoring and sleeping peacefully)

Leyland: Cough. Dammit. Someonepassthoseout.

Inge: I’ll do it, Skipper!

Laird: Punk, G Money’s gonna slap…

Dombrowski: Enough, gentlemen. (throws money at Inge and Laird) That’ll calm you down.

Leyland: Cough, cough! Whileyoulookatthatsh-t, I’vebroughtina (cough) motivationalspeakertotalktoyouguys.

Dombrowski: That’s right. This man is not only a former Tiger, but a man that competed against many players from the ’84 Tigers that we will be honoring. He knows what it takes to win. We’re hoping he can lend some insight into this series. COME IN!

[door flies open]

Gary Sheffield: What the f-ck up, muthaf-ckas? Sheff’s in the house! Where my money at, suckas? (Dombrowski hands over two sacks contining $14 million) That’s right! Sheff’s gon get MAD p-ssy with this loot. Holla. What up, JV?

Verlander: (stares straight ahead still sharpening knives)

Sheffield: Yeah. I feel ya. So, you muthaf-ckas still in last?

Inge: Actually, Gary, we’re in first. We have a slim lead on those dastardly Twins. We play them in a few hours.

Sheffield: F-ck you, Brendon! No one’s talking to yo punk ass! Sheff knows you in first! Sheff’s here to motivate yo asses! Well, not them lazy Uncle Tom Colombians over there. They still get hurt every time them punks run more than 20 feet?

Laird: What’d you say, son? G Money’s boys are from Venezuela, fool. You better check yo’self.

Sheffield: (wide eyed) Who the F-CK is this cracka ass cracka? Boy, Sheff’s gonna f-ck you up in about five f-ckin seconds if you don’t back yo ass down! Don’t come all up in Sheff’s face with that wig…

Clete: Y’all keep it down! ‘Ol Clete’s tryin’ to find the Steelers score on the picture box. Big Ben is Clete’s boy.

Sheffield: And who is THIS hillbilly f-cker? Are YOU the bitch they put in Sheff’s spot in the lineup? Are you fist f-ckin’ Sheff? Sheff can BUY and SELL each and every ONE of you punk muthaf-ckas. Don’t you be forgettin’ that sh-t. If Sheff were still on this team, you punk suckas would be 20 games up on those Canandian-ass Twins.

Inge: Minnesota, Gary.

Sheffield: Brendon! Shut the f-ck up! Sheff knows Canadians when he sees them. Now Sheff’s a free agent next year. How bout we work some sh-t out and Sheff’ll win you bitches a championship next year. $15 million per year, 5 years? Sound about right?

Dombrowski: Maybe later, Gary. Weren’t you here to lend some insight into this Twins series?

Sheffield: You sh-ttin’ me? Sheff just wanted to make sure you all vote him a share of the playoff cash. Damn. You know what, F-CK this shit! Sheff got his duckets. Sheff’s outta here. See you suckas later. (leaves)

Leyland: (lights cigarette) Dammit. Forgettit. JustlookoverLloyd’sreport. Doyourbestoutthere. Cough.

Inge: Um, Skip? These reports are blank.

Leyland: Cough, dammit, Lloyd.

[door flies open at 102 mph]

Joel Zumaya: (wasted) Woo hoo! Paaaaarty! Wussup? We win yet? F-ck yeah! Guitar Hero at Zoom’s pad! Guns, hookers, and firetrucks!

Dombrowski: Sigh. Just do your best, guys.

Leyland: Cough, Ihatethisteam…cough, cough...

Letters: Volume 1 (Descent Into "Totally Inappropriate and Actually a Little Crazy-Sounding" Territory)

Dear Readers;

I had a really creative spurt today.  I probably shouldn't say "spurt", but whatever.

Anyway, I wrote, like, 75 letters to things, people and myself.  It may sound stupid, but I promise that it's brilliant.  You'll just have to see it for yourself.

I swear to God, I was laughing so hard at myself that I got a headache.

You may be wondering what this is all about.  It's simple, really: I write letters to things, some of which are offensive (the letters, not the things. Except for a few of them) and then I post a few of them at a time and you laugh and tell your friends that I'm a genius and then I get famous and rich and I don't have to look for a job anymore because looking for a job is a fruitless and painful process that is making me feel like I should just become an alcoholic so that I at least have something external to blame my failure on.

Are we clear?


Thanks for reading.


Dear Me;

You sounded like an idiot just then.  You are confusing your readers and alienating them by pressuring them to make you famous.

It is not their responsibility.

Wait, yes it is - but you should make them want to make you famous instead of writing stupid little letters about how poor you are and how they should make you rich and famous out of pity.

I know that you have lost 4 pounds in the last two weeks because you can't afford real-person food, but you don't need to tell other people that.  They don't have money either and they'll just feel bad for being unable or unwilling to help you which will make them retreat into denial about your existence and then they won't read your blog.

It's kind of like how you feel about those starving-children commercials - which is a topic that pretty much every funny person in the history of the world has joked about, but you are going to go right ahead and do it too, just because you think you did it differently.  You didn't, by the way.  You just said some unexpected things afterward.  That's like putting a hat on Jesus and saying you invented Him (good catch with the capital H).  Stop being a pompous asshole.

Okay, I'll agree with you that it is a good idea to test out how people will react to the words "Jesus" and "asshole" before you post your other letters.  I know how excited you are to post them, so I commend you for showing a little self-restraint.  Your audience will appreciate the awkward-but-present segue into the more offensive and disturbing branch of your sense of humor.

Well, you better post some of those letters you were talking about.  Maybe post some of the really short ones. It'll be like a preview.  But whatever you do - do not post the Jesus one or the one about Mexicans.    I know, I know, I know - they really aren't that offensive, but people are really easy to offend and you want to be famous, remember?  You don't get famous by being honest - at least most people don't. Maybe Abraham Lincoln.  But not you.  You have to ingratiate yourself to everyone.  I know it's hard to restrain yourself, but just do it, okay?  Please, please, please, please do it.  Just for a little while.  Just until you find out how many followers you'll lose from swearing and taking the Lord's name in vain.  Pretty please?


I have done all I can.  I hope you choose to be smart about this.  Good decisions are like making a deposit in the bank of your future.  Really?  That's the best you could come up with?  You better hope that people think you are really funny because you definitely don't have a future in advertising or inspirational speaking.

Carry on.


Dear Cup;

Thank you for being waterproof.

I'll talk to you later!


Dear SuperBalls;

I am 24 and a half and I don't have a job.  Please stop looking so goddamn fun.  Thanks.


Dear Inventor of Watermelon-Flavored Things;

Have you ever eaten watermelon?

Just wondering...


Dear Me;

You did it!  You didn't offend anyone's religion, ethnicity, culture or sexuality!  I mean, if the inventor of watermelon flavor is one of your followers, he might be kind of pissed, but you managed to not offend people in swaths.  I think that is an accomplishment. Go have some cake.


An Embarrassing Incident / Funnies / /

Hi There......

For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman's Show where this story was told read this - and remember it's a true story ......

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. 'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.' Instinct told her to do what they told her.. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and spare me', she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,

'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.' The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.' He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak.. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might
not make it down the corridor.

At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill. The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.

It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan.

A guy walks into a bar ...
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?' ' pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?' 'You must pay first...... Those are the rules,' says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. 'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...' 'Your call,' says the bartender..... but your money stays where it is
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... he did it in fifty-eight seconds! next he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds...then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'**

The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions, and don' trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!*

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

This morning on the Freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Holden Calais Doing 110 kms per hour with her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed,and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Darn women drivers!!
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

I also received the undernoted today in an email and I am posting it here not to preach or aught but to ask that people thing about the idea of making a transplant donation - there are so many folk waiting for organs and a lot of the time donating doesn't cause too much discomfort or undue problems. Especially when the results are so spectacular in the majority of cases.

Welcome to

How about this organisation ?? It sounds a fantastic opportunity for someone - anyone to have a look and think about offering a spare part to save someone's life. There is nothing I've ever done which gave me more pride and pleasure than when I was able to offer my bone marrow for my 'wee sister' and if it were possible I would do it again for anyone else ...... Unfortunately now I'm too ancient and the powers that be won't accept my old spare parts.

This video is maybe not very politically correct - but it 'is' funny !

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.

Tell Me When It's Okay To Look Again

This isn't going to be easy. After a three game sweep over the IndiAAAns, the Tigers came back to earth by losing 2-0 to the White Sux today. 2-0. Really?

Poor Eddie Bonine. Bonine, quite possibly the worst starting pitcher we could have thrown out there today, pitched the MLB game of his life. He went 6.2 innings. He allowed only 2 hits and 2 unearned runs. An Inge error and a homerun by Chicago's Matt Wieters, Gordon Beckham, were the Sux's only runs. They would get no more hits in the game.

Let me say this again. The Sux beat us despite only getting 2 hits.

Eff yew, Jake Peavy.

And the Minnesota Twins continued to be the most annoying twins this side of the Olson girls, the Bush twins, and those rat bastard '87 Twins, by beating the hapless Royals once again. Tomorrow doesn't look good, either, as the Twinkies have Scott Baker going against border line MLB pitcher Lenny DiNardo of the Royals. Rogo's line: Twins by 20.

We've got two more left in Chicago this weekend. Sunday, we face a rookie named Daniel Hudson, who lost to the Twinkies in his debut, going 5 IP allowing 4 hits, 4 walks, struck out 4, and allowed 3 runs, 1 earned. He also threw 98 pitches in those 5 innings, so hopefully we can be a bit patient with the kid. My guess? He shuts us out for 7 innings, striking out 8. (Inge, 3 times.)

Tomorrow, a more familiar opponent. Freddy Garcia. Remember him? The guy that used us to audition for the rest of the league at the end of last season? Maybe that's not fair, but tomorrow, we need to beat up on him like a Steelers fan on his wife after a loss to the Bears. Here's how our guys have done against Freddy in the past.

Curtis Granderson: 24 AB, .167, 0, 0
Placido Polanco: 20 AB, .150, 0, 0
Magglio Ordonez: 40 AB, .275, 0, 3
Miguel Cabrera: 1-5, solo HR
Aubrey Huff: 21 AB, .429, 2, 4
Carlos Guillen: 27 AB, .259, 1, 3
Brandon Inge: 39 AB, .231, 2, 2
Gerald Larid: 0-5
Adam Everett: 0-4
Ryan Raburn: 0-4, 4 K's
Marcus Thames: 1-3, solo HR

That's it. No one else has faced Garcia, that I could find. Yikes. I had better start drinking early, from the looks of those non-Huff numbers. My answer: call my hero, Bobby Higginson. Limetime, he hit Garcia to a tune of .366 with 5 homers and 12 RBI's in 41 at bats. Not like he has anything better going on. Screw his limo business.

Facing Garcia for the Tigers?

Yes, Our Hero is once again faced with the task of winning a must-win game. Be the ball, Nate. Be the ball.

Cruise Control warning/Employment test in Ingenuity / Fun Video...

Hi There Folks,

I wonder how many people know about this? A 36 year old female had an accident several weeks ago and Totaled her car. A resident of Kilgore, Texas she was traveling between Gladewater & Kilgore. It was raining, though not excessively, when her car suddenly began to hydro-plane and literally fle through the air. She was not seriously injured but very stunned at the sudden occurrence! When she explained to the highway patrolman what had happened he told her something that every driver should know - NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE CONTROL ON. She thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain.when your
car begins to hydro-plane and your tires lose contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed making you take off like an airplane. She told the patrolman that was exactly what had occurred.

The patrolman said this warning should be listed, on the driver's seat sun-visor - NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag warning. We tell our teenagers to set the cruise control and control only when the pavement is dry. The only person the accident victim found, who knew this (besides the patrolman), was a man who had a similar accident, totalled his car and sustained severe injuries.

NOTE: Some vehicles (like the Toyota Sienna Limited XLE) will not allow you to set the cruise control when the windshield wipers are on. Drive Safely !!
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

How about this test for ingenuity ......

Proper Jobs ......
Methods from Human Resources...
1) Put 400 bricks in a room.
2) Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3) Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4) Then analyze the situation:
a) If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b) If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c) If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d) If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e) If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f) If they are sleeping put them in Security.
g) If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h) If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i) If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j) If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k) If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l) If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m) Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

By Sajida Davis
The actions of today can affect your tomorrow. We all want to enjoy life, have fun and be free spirits. However, if destructive or irresponsible behavior is inclusive of our fun activities, we will have to pay the consequences. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction - remember? So, even seemingly small actions, like being a class clown in school, may have serious consequences. Tomorrow the kid may be a famous comedian or a high school drop out who never took school seriously.

Teaching and learning responsible behaviors and values means giving and receiving a priceless gift that will last a lifetime. Have a decco at these teacher funnies ......

Teacher ... George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louis... Because George still had the ax in his hand.

Teacher ...Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde ... No, teacher, it's the same dog.

Teacher ... Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold... A teacher !


Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.


Sorcerer is my 100th follower!

People seem to like celebrating round numbers (and especially 100 of anything), so I figured I would offer him a prize for being the 100th person to like me.  That's right.  He gets the prize and not any of the 99 people who discovered me before him.  Just because he was 100th.

But don't fret, other 99 followers!  His prize really isn't that cool (pssst... Sorcerer... your prize actually is cool, but don't tell anyone).

As mentioned, probably ad nauseam, I am poor, so I have to get creative with my gifts.

I hereby grant Sorcerer the opportunity to choose the topic of a blog post.  He can pick any topic he wants and I will write about it and try to make it funny.

And... go!

Edit:  Okay, now I have 99 followers... whoever it is that un-followed me:  I know what you are doing, you prankster.  If you really want to pick a topic for one of my blog posts, go ahead.  You don't have to be 100th to be special... 

Doing a 'Nosy' among some great blogs - and a fact and funnie ...

Take a seat and enjoy a cuppa ........

This morning I spent an hour and a half sitting at this desk and part of that time I had been having a look through some of the blogs on my bloglist - I was having a 'nosy' as it were visiting some of the people who I've not been to see for a while... and it reinforced the feeling that there are several folk who are into blogging that lead interesting lives as opposed to myself who just blunders along from week to week......

My first visit was to hear how Jo at Moodscapes was doing, when I was a 'newbie' at this blogging lark she made me feel that it was a friendly medium where you could meet (virtually) and really share each other's lives. She's such a really caring person which comes through quite clearly over the ether. I get the distinct feeling that she's always ready to help anyone in need and has an ever open ear for folk who are either worried or concerned about anything and can exert a calming influence even over thousands of miles.

Then there was Britt-Arnhild in Norway, who hooked me again on her fishing line with her talk about Norway, where I had spent a year (many lifetimes ago - well it seems like that). She spoke of Breiavannet lake and had photos on her blog of the harbour at Stavanger which showed the houses there. Alll of a sudden somehow they seemed 'so' familiar - even after all the years between. She spends her life caring and working for a Christian Refugee organization which helps people all over the world.

Lastly this morning I visited Ky woman at 'Little Drops into the pool of life', whose love for her country and countrymen shines through her blog - she in very involved with the happenings in Iraq and Afghanistan and does so much to help, she also relates it on her site so that even a 'dumpling' like me can understand, commiserate and care about the soldiers who are there doing their jobs as best they can.

These are just three out of the many in the list of people shown in my bloglist that I visited today and I felt drawn to comment on their helpful and caring natures. The many other bloggers with whom I'm in closer contact - like Judy, June and lom feel like friends whom I've known for many years although we've never met I count them as 'virtual' sisters who seem to have the gift of cheering me up exactly when I need it ...... Thanks pals !! (or for June 'mate' ) !
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

That said, I am ending this post with a fact and a funnie to finish - I love trying to put smiles on some faces - maybe even a ' belly laugh' (which I aim for, but which I don't succeed in doing very often). I do try though !
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

CHINESE THEORY of PROSPERITY with the NUMBER EIGHT 000008, 888888 ...

Did you know that in the Chinese communities around the world the number eight (8) is considered the most fortuitous of all numbers, making it much coveted for addresses, car registrations etc... So let me wish you a day with lots of eights in it !!!!!!!!

A walk-in fridge ...

Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.

Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch Another Metrodome Series

Goodbye, Metrodome. After Our Hero's clutch 5 inning performance put us back up 3 games over the Twins, we are officially done visiting that wretched stadium for good. (Unless there ends up being a 1 game playoff...shuddup) So, now that we can all breathe a bit once again, here's a list of things that I would rather do than watch our boys play another series in Minnesota's dump of a dome. Enjoy.

-Compliment AJ Pierzinski.

-Buy a Fernando Rodney jersey.

-Get a really boss tattoo of my kid's name on my forearm.

-Be Joel Zumaya's designated driver.

-Join Clete's Cult.

-Take hitting lessons from Lloyd McClendon.

-Be Drew Sharp's publicist.

-Touch whatever masses they cut off of Nate's arm.

-Be a scalper at a Lions game.

-Tell Justin Verlander knock-knock jokes on days where he's the starting pitcher.

-Be in charge of moderating Bless You Boys for a month. How Ian does it without snapping, I'll never know.

-Spend 24 hours in a windowless room with Jim Leyland and a carton of Reds.

-Be the Mud Hens 1st baseman waiting for a call up to the show.

-Eat the 3.6 million Hot 'n' Ready pizzas that Mike Ilitch is going to have to sell to pay Magglio next year.

-Have my boss have the confidence in me that Jim Leyland has in Dusty Ryan.

-Attend a Jonas Brothers concert.

-Play Guitar hero with Joel Zumaya.

-Shave Alex Avila before every game.

-Be in charge of styling Ryan Field's hair for a week.

-Trade Jair Jurrjens for a broken hat rack. (oops, already did)

-Compliment Joe Crede.

-Play fantasy baseball against someone starting Luke Scott when the O's have a four game set against Detroit.

-Move to Vermont to teach spoiled and/or troubled kids. (haw)

-Give the "eat em up Tigers, eat em up" guy a sponge bath.

-Replace Rod and Mario with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver for a month. (shudders)

-Talk politics with Magglio Ordonez.

-See Bobby Jenks naked.

-Purchase all of the marked down Renteria crap still clogging up half of the Tigers Shop at Comerica.

-Go through life being made of glass (cough, Guillen/Bondo/Nate/Zoom, cough).

-Change my facial hair every three days to whatever Nate has going on.

-Compliment Ozzie Guillen.

-Listen to an iPod filled with nothing but the Good Luck Joe's greatest hits. "April...April in the D."

-Be Joel Zumaya's wingman.

Rest in peace, Metrodome. Good riddance.

Offensive Post! (The Post Formerly Known as "Grammar According to Allie")

Grammar is a subject that is very dear to me.  However, I don't agree with some of the commonly accepted ways to use it.

Wait!  Don't stop reading!

This is not some snobby diatribe stressing the importance of proper grammar.

It is about making grammar better - my way.

1. "Very Unique"

Uttering the phrase "very unique" is like punching grammar in the face.  The reasoning goes that "unique" means "different from anything else in the world" so to say that something is "very unique" is completely unnecessary.

No it's not.

Every person in the world is unique.  Every snowflake is unique.  Property owners want you to think that their sh*tty 60's apartment with the "decorative" stairs to nowhere is unique.  But to say that individuals like Marilyn Manson or the late Michael Jackson are unique is an egregious understatement.  Yes, we are all different - but they are really, really different.  They are to "different" what Pluto used to be to the Solar System before it was so unceremoniously demoted (why do I feel the need to include Pluto in all of my grammar posts?)  - they are on the very outer edge of the spectrum.   They have a much greater distance between themselves and normal (which is still unique, just more normally so.)  Our language should allow for a descriptor to reflect that increased distance.

2. "..............................."

The number of dots in an ellipsis should reflect the length of the pause.

Writing would be so much more descriptive - so much more malleable and honest.

Example #1:

Jenny chewed her lip and fiddled with the pages of her Algebra textbook as she tried to find the right words.  Finally, she said "Mr. Smith... I'm.......... Pregnant."

"Uh................................................................................................................" said Mr. Smith.  

I know that it is not right to make light of student-teacher sex scandals, but it is my blog and I do what I want.  And for your information, Mr. Smith turned out to be a great father and he married Jenny the moment she turned 18.

Example #2:

"Knock Knock..."

"Who's There?"

"Jerry the Mute..."

"Jerry the Mute who?"


I also know that it is not right to make up Knock Knock jokes that poke fun at serious disabilities, but if you are offended now, you might want to reconsider reading further.  Also, you may want to pause and reflect on the sheer genius behind that joke since it is not every day that I come up with something that awesome.

Example #3

Upon noticing the packet of prescription Valtrex on the nightstand, Jenny asked "Mr. Johnson, what is Valtrex for..................?" 

"... it is Valium for large dinosaurs, my Dear..." 

Being an English teacher, Mr. Johnson knew not to pause as long as Jenny.    

(Don't worry - Jenny is legal in this story.)

3.  Daylight Saving Time, Down Syndrome and Dived

Over the years, people have added unnecessary S's to Daylight Saving time and Down Syndrome.  The first one is simple:  we are saving daylight.  It makes sense.

The second one doesn't compute quite as neatly.

Apparently Dr. Down didn't want to be like Dr. Alzheimer, Dr. Hodgkin, Dr. Asburger,  or Dr. Huntington.  He wanted to be more unique, so he simply named the disease he discovered after himself.  No apostrophe or S needed.

Some words are so commonly misused that they should be adopted as standard simply so that the smart people aren't the ones sounding like illiterate dummies.

For example, did you know that "dove" is not a verb?  Despite the fact that everyone and their dog uses it in such a manner, it is still considered correct to use the word "dived."

"I dived off the proverbial cliff when I decided to write this offensive post." 

But "dived" sounds retarded (so does "Down Syndrome" but I think I could get in some sort of trouble for saying that or something.......)

We should adopt "dove" so that I don't look like an idiot for trying to be grammatically correct.

4.  Favre

How this series of letters came to be pronounced "farv" I will never know.

Faver?  Sure.

Fav-ray?  Why not?

 Favery?  I guess it works.

But "farv??" What kind of dyslexic French a**hole came up with that one?*

While we are on the subject, I think I should address French as a whole.  French is supposedly the most romantic language there is - if you consider completely unnecessary and phonetically nonsensical extra letters romantic.   -eaux is supposed to make and "o" sound.  Really?   Are you so full of yourselves that you thought "Forget zee O.  We need four letters because our language eez four time better!"

I personally think that France would be world dominant if they didn't have all those superfluous letters slowing them down.

While we are on the subject of being on the subject of talking about foreign words, I thought I might mention something to my American friends.

If you are trying to pronounce a foreign word in an otherwise English sentence, please don't pronounce the word with a heavy accent.  It makes you sound pretentious and douche-y .

*I am in no way insulting Brett Favre himself.  If I were to do that, it would  decrease my chances of ever bearing his grizzled, womb-warrior children, and I definitely wouldn't want to do that.  

5.  Less/Fewer

I am going to back Strunk and White 100 percent on this one.

If there is one mistake that I cannot stand, it is the confusion of "less" with "fewer."

You commonly see this error in grocery stores: "Express Checkout - 10 Items or Less." 

Also in Porta-Potties: "This Unit is Designed to Accommodate the Needs of 10 People or Less During a Normal Work Week."  

Less is supposed to refer to an amount that cannot be counted - like air or sand.  Fewer refers to a number of things that are countable, such as oxygen molecules or grains of sand.

A few more examples:

- Jenny is less of a tramp because she slept with fewer teachers than Veronica.

- I made that Knock Knock joke less offensive by including fewer references to disabled people.  

- Mr. Johnson now uses less Valtrex because he has fewer Herpes sores.  

- Other languages are less awesome than French because they use fewer unnecessary letters. 

- "Less" should be used less often than "fewer" because there are fewer instances where "less" is appropriate.   Nonetheless, "less" is used more.  

I hope that your lives have been enriched by my mighty opinion.

I am sorry if I have offended you, but you should try to be less offendable.