Typical Glaswegian Funnies...

Hi There, Please sit down, help yourself to a cuppa ...

Hi Folks,

Now from a really 'feel good' story I'm kind of changing gears and passing on a few funnies of the 'Glaswegian' or 'weegie' variety, now you know I'm not one for making fun of religious things - but I couldn't resist posting this one I received this morning from my BIL in Dumfries ... I doubt if anyone could take umbrage at it, so I hope you will enjoy a laugh ......

The Power of Interpretation ...... The Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy .. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy !!! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened...

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.
He then pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. 'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.' 'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine' !!

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP ...

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the HELL out of the lawyer and says
'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
A Glasgow man met a beautiful lady and he decided ... that he wanted to marry her right away. She protested that they didn't know anything about each other but he replied - 'Oh that's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along ' so she consented.

On their honeymoon, whilst at the swimming pool, he went up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion - You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did lengths in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly! After about thirty lengths, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No', she said, 'I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde....'



Cheers from the land of the Tartan, Love Kate xxx.
Oh and P.S. the River Clyde too - hehehe...