An Open Letter to my Boyfriend, the Serial Killer

Boyfriend;

I have come to the conclusion that you are probably a serial killer.   Or an alien.  Over the 5 years I've been collecting data on you, you have exhibited some strange and alarming behavior, not the least of which is always remembering to put the toilet seat down (except for one time, but we'll get to that later).   I think I now have enough data to prove, without a doubt, that you are up to no good.

Exhibit #1:

You told me I was beautiful this morning.   One might think that kind of behavior is totally normal until you consider that I looked like this this morning:


This is not the first time you've acted like this.  At first, I thought you were just mocking me, but you say these things with such alarming sincerity - with your soulful brown eyes penetrating deep into my soul.  I am thus forced to file your actions under "serial killer behavior" instead.

You also called me beautiful one time when I was crying - there were fluids oozing out of every one of my facial features, I was drooling on you and I was making water buffalo sounds.  Only a serial killer with a secret, murderous plot to protect could have reason to call someone beautiful at a time like that.


 You did it again when I was sick with the flu (FACT: no one is beautiful when they have the flu.  The flu and beauty are so mutually exclusive that you couldn't fit a Venn diagram of them on the same page.)

You said it one time when you weren't even looking at me.   When I asked you "why do you say that?"  You said "because I was thinking about you."  Were you also thinking about how you were going to get rid of my body??  I immediately locked myself in the bathroom to protect myself and also so as not to ruin the image you had of me in your head.   A boyfriend should not make his girlfriend feel like she has to go hide in the bathroom.  It is abusive and wrong.

Exhibit #2:

As you may have surmised from a previous blog entry, I am experiencing "my time of the month."  Normal boyfriends usually leave well-enough alone during this time, but not you.   Yesterday, you bought me Haagen Dazs milk chocolate ice cream bars for no reason.   I interpreted this to mean either a) you are fattening me up so that you can kill me and eat me or b) you are covering something up.   You are probably covering up the fact that you are trying to fatten me up to kill me and eat me.   Was it the fresh blood that awakened your appetite for human flesh?  

Exhibit #3:

Do you even fart???

Exhibit #4:

You say I am perfect.  LIAR!!

I mean, I once went 4 days without showering because I was too lazy to unpack my shampoo.  Is that something that perfect people do?  How about the time I drank too much and threw up on your friend's shoes?  Or the time I....

...LOOKED LIKE THIS:


  Boyfriend, I'm onto your little game.  You could have at least tried to be a little less transparent about it all.   Did you think that I wouldn't notice when you washed all the dishes just because they were dirty?   Did you think that your little "I love your body" charade was going to fool me?  Boyfriend, I don't know if you've noticed, but I have the breasts of a 9-year-old.  Are you a pedophile??  Maybe you were telling the truth but meant "I love your body" in the "your body looks like it would taste like chicken" kind of way.   Either way, I know what you are trying to do.  

If this behavior continues, I may be forced to seek the help of the law in defending myself against you.   
Consider yourself warned.