Keeping Score #3: Tigers/Mariners 8/18/09

Good day, my friends. Did you see that the Rangers traded to get Pudge back today? WTF? I thought we got Laird because Texas had way too many catchers. Oh well…I hope he’s happy there. Though, I doubt it...cranky bastard.

Oh...before we get started. Today's warning...if you don't like doodie jokes and/or insist that I treat Brandon Inge and/or Clete Thomas with respect, go here instead of reading this.

Speaking of trades, today’s the big day. Aubry Huff? Who? I’m talking about Brett Favre! Did you see!?! FAVRE SIGNED WITH MINNESOTA! Bet you hadn't heard...especially on ESPN. Peter King’s genitals exploded today, I guarantee it. Brittfar, Brittfar, Brittfar!

But Huff…yeah. I like the trade. He’s a type A free agent this year, so we get some picks back if he bolts. And hopefully he can drive in some runs for us. Normally, I wouldn’t be too happy about trading a 6’6, 22 year old kid that was our 4th pick last year, but without some sort of bat, we have no chance this year.

Bonine went down? No one saw that coming. Everyone thought it would be Clete or Raburn. Mr. Thomas has performed yet another miracle, it seems.

Brittfar! Hey…how come all the white announcers love Favre and all the black ones hate him? Just asking…

In the pregame, Trevor Thompson claims that the Mariners traded their best pitcher a couple weeks ago in the form of Jerrod Washburn. Trevor, you ignorant slut. King Felix is going to no-hit us today. Just you watch.

Wait…they’re starting the game? But right now, Favre’s giving a press conference in the way that only he (and perhaps Forrest Gump) can deliver one! Cancel the game! BRITTFAR!!!!!

I hope Urlacher cripples that hillbilly prick this year.


-The Brock Lesner of the Tigers, Rick Porcello, is pitching for the first time since making Kevin Youkilis look like a freaking goof. Too bad Mike Sweeney’s not starting for the M’s today. Remember when Jeff Weaver drilled his ugly ass a few years back for us? That was a fun fight.

-Rod says Rick has no future in fighting? He made Youk look like a bitch! Come on, Rod. Back up your boy.

-Carlos Guillen’s in left for the first time since coming back tonight. Get the EMT’s ready.

-Ichiro leads off. A microphone picks up him saying “You! Porcherro! No bean barrs! Keep fastbarr ovel prate! I no Youkirus.”

-Suzuki lines one off of Inge’s glove for a single. Raburn would have caught it. Or turned it into a triple.

-Branyon hits into a double play…the 21st Rick has induced this year. Awesome. Bonderman would be down 2-0 by now.

-Rod calls Rick a “young boy”. Who you callin’ boy?

-Jose Lopez, the worst player to hit third in the majors this year (not named Clete) steps in. He quickly grounds out to Cabrera ending the inning.

-Sweet! Now I can flip back to ESPN! BRITTFAR!!!


-Granderson’s first. Lifetime, he’s hit over .400 against Felix according to the pregame.

-Oops. Curtis strikes out looking. Screw the stats today.

-Placido Polanco continues to hit, singling to right. Scott Sizemore curses under his breath. Now that he's hitting, think 'ol Double D might be thinking about signing Polly for one more year?

-Nothing got hit to Guillen in the top of the inning. Thus, he didn’t manage to hurt himself and is up next.

-Carlos lines out to short. He's obviously exhausted from running out to a defensive position for the first time in ages.

-Miguel Cabrera is up…let’s see if he feels like trying today. He’s 4 for 8 lifetime against King Felix. Let's hope he has a big day.

-Solid single to left. First and second, two out. Bring up our new savior.

-Big round of applause for Huff. Hey, he looks kinda buff. As an out, he is certainly tough. Hope he had enough time in Baltimore to pack his stuff. Homer Simpson likes to drink Duff. So far this inning, King Felix has looked rough. Polly acts like he’s going to steal, but it’s only a bluff. Tiger Woods used to be caddied by Fluff. Anyone else remember knuckleball pitcher, Charlie Hough? Okay…I think that is enough.

-He grounds out to first. A run driving in machine, that Aubrey Huff. Know who we should have picked up to be our DH? BRITTFARRRRRR!


-The guy that used to be Ken Griffey Jr. leads off. The Chuck Liddell of our pitching staff wastes little time in striking him out.

-THIS JUST IN! Brett Favre just took a dump! BRITTFARRRRRRRRRRRRR!

-Franklyn Gutierrez, one of the first to be thrown off the Cleveland sinking ship, is up and he too, quickly strikes out.

-Since Rod and Mario claimed Rick isn’t a strikeout pitcher, his struck out the last two guys. I love how that always happens.

-Jack Hannahan, who only plays well against Detroit, is up. Hey, his average is up to .222. I think I’ve seen Jack play more games in person than any other Toledo player…except Mud Hen for life, Mike Hessman, of course.

-He lines out to Granderson. End of inning.


-Clete will NOT be performing any miracles at the ballpark this evening, I’m sorry to say. He used up all his powers today by somehow keeping a MLB roster spot when Huff arrived.

-Seriously, Clete didn’t get sent down? Really? I mean, Bonine is horrible, but aren’t we short a pitcher now?

-First pitch, Clete pops up foul down the left field line. A fan interferes and knocks the ball away from the left fielder! THE CULT IS EVERYWHERE! Don’t mess with him, Langerhans! The Cult has diplomatic immunitity! The umpires are scared, too, and don’t call interference. M’s got screwed there. Good.

-Clete works a 3-2 count after getting away with cheating and finally draws a walk.

-Brandon Inge and his knee with 12% mobility is up. He pops out to shortstop, Josh Wilson. Didn’t they trade for Jack Wilson? I’m confused. But that is par for the course with me.

-Future Hall of Famer, Alex Avila, is up. You’d think his dad would get him a better spot in the order than 8th. Or do they not want to make it too obvious?

-Look, I love how the kid’s played so far. But once teams get a scouting report on him, expect him to struggle a bit. Just saying.

-Ball gets away from the catcher and Clete’s too stupid to take off for second. Come on, dude. The catcher’s name is Rob Johnson, but he doesn’t have ex-quarterback Rob Johnson’s arm. But maybe that's a good thing for him, now that I think about it.

-Next pitch, Avila strikes out and Clete steals second. My God…he can hear me. He really is all knowing. Clete, I’m sorry for everything! Give me 20 million dollars and three Jessica Simpson clones and I promise I’ll be nice!

-Runner on second, two outs, and Adam Everett is up. They show lesbian starting pitcher, Armando Galarraga, in the dugout. He lost 16 pounds by getting sick. John Keating should try that diet plan.

-RBI single for Everett! Awesome! Didn’t expect that.

-1-0 Tigers.

-Everett steals second as Johnson makes another bad throw.

-Next pitch gets away from Johnson…Everett looks like he’s running in frickin’ quicksand…out! Dammit. End of inning.


-Tonight’s text poll: Greatest Grandy catch. The one the other day crashing into the wall, the Sizemore one from earlier this year, or the Wily Mo Pena one from a couple years ago? The Pena one is awesome, but the Sizemore one won us a game. I’m going with that one.

-The M’s leadoff hitter, Butterfingers Johnson, grounds out.

-Ryan Langerhans is up next. He, too, quickly grounds out to Cabrera. Our own Royce Gracie, Porcello, isn’t screwing around much today.

-Josh (not Jack) Wilson is up with two down. Mario calls him “well traveled”. That is announcer code for "he sucks". Rick usually gives up homers to terrible players, doesn't he? But this time, he strikes Wilson out.


-Anyone want to pre-order Lions tickets, the announcers ask? Anyone? Yes, YOU! were just stretching? C'mon, anyone? Didn’t think so.

-Wait…they play the Vikings! BRITTFAR TICKETS! BRITTFARRRRRRRRRRRR! At least Lions fans know at least one game won’t be blacked out this year. (And Thanksgiving…that’s two!)

-Granderson will try again to start things off. But he’s an idiot and strikes out looking again. Can we get Legendary Lloyd to quit trying to make Magglio collect his option and have him spend some time with Curtis? Quit looking for the homerun pitch, CJ!

-Mr. Potato Head is 1-1 and steps in. He hits one that Wilson slides over to catch. Throws…OUT! Great play. Why’d they trade for Jack Wilson when they have this guy? Stick with the cheaper Wilson! Everyone knows that.

-Guillen comes up and shows off his Higginson-like power by flying out to the warning track. Wait…did I just make fun of my hero? I’m so bitter…


-Ichiro leads off. Aliva tells him that it’s an honor to play against him. Ichiro calls him “Arrex Arriva.” Haw…I kill me. Or is it “kirr”?

-Porcello stikes him out. That’s 4 so far.

-AFLAC: Only 2 players have more 200+ hit seasons than Ichiro. Who are they? I’m going with Pete Rose and BRITTFARRRRRRR!

-Branyon is up. He’s under .200 since the All Star break. He K’s looking. Again, Mario claims that Rick’s not a strikeout pitcher. Keep saying it, guys. Maybe he’ll strike out 20 today.

-Lopez grounds out to second. Tito Ortiz Porcello is on a roll.


-Miguel Cabrera stuffs an entire Hot Pocket into his mouth before stepping into the box. I kid…he has lost quite a bit of weight since coming to Detroit.

-Tubby singles up the middle. Hey, he's 2-2.

-Aflac Answer: Rose and Ty Cobb. Well, that was easy. Favre and Cobb…same thing. Hall of Fame rednecks.

-Huff hits into a double play. C’mon…Magglio could have done that.

-Clete’s up. Notice how he looks exactly like a newborn bird? Mouth open, gawky looking. there a more awkward looking hitter in the big leagues?

-Rod says Lloyd is trying to make Clete realize that he is a good player. I’d love for them to convince ME that he’s a good player and not a journeyman-at-best waste of a roster spot.

-Sorry, guys. Maybe I'm a bit hard on the kid. I blame you, though.

-Clete strikes out. For the hundredth time, why didn’t we keep Josh Anderson and send Clete down? He has options left. At least with Anderson’s speed, he had a use to us. Forget it! I'm not being too hard on him! I must try harder! I appreciate the walk off earlier this year, Clete, but for crissakes…CLETE THOMAS IS NOT A LEGITIMATE STARTING MAJOR LEAGUE OUTFIELDER! AGGGGHHH! BRITTFARRRRRRR!


-Griffey’s corpse leads off against Porcello. He taps it to the mound for out #1.

-Ooh…talking about youngest pitcher/catcher combos this year, Mario and Rod work in a Matt Wieters reference! Way to beat me to it this game, guys.

-Gutierrez is next. He becomes a season high sixth strikeout for BJ Penn Porcello. Two down. That’s 13 straight retired by Kid Rick…can we score some friggin’ runs for him? Please?

-Hannahan’s up now. He works the count full before hitting it to Inge. It goes under his glove for an error. Rod blames the knee.

-Put the guy on the DL, dammit. Call up Hessman. Or platoon Huff and Raburn…whatever. Just for two weeks. I know it won’t get completely better. But it can’t hurt for him to rest for a while.

-Rob Johnson is up after the error and promptly becomes the 7th strikeout victim. Porcello is seriously carving this team up today…Verlander style.


-Gimpy Knee leads off. The average is down to .247. Can’t catch a grounder? Blame the knee! Can’t hit anymore? Blame the knee! Brett Favre can't make up his mind? Blame Brandon's knee. But don’t put him on the DL. Brandon grounds out.

-Dusty Ryan’s arch enemy is next. I like when Avila is clean shaven at the start of games. By the ninth inning, he has a full beard. That’s awesome. Meanwhile, it took Inge a week to grow a mustache that a 15 year old would make fun of. Well, a 15 year old boy. 15 year old girls find it dreamy.

-Avila K’s again. Gerald Laird feels a bit better about himself.

-Two down, Everett up. Rod brings up Brett Favre…sigh. Of course he did.

-Everett swings at one a foot outside for strike three.


-15 outs so far by Porcello and only one has been a fly ball. Interesting. He usually starts to flame out in the 6th. Then again, the M's have no offense.

-Langerhans strikes out leading off. That’s 8. Wow. I know this isn’t the most impressive lineup the kid is facing, but it’s still a hellova game for him.

-Josh Wilson is next. And…


-Home run on a terrible 0-2 breaking ball down the middle. Who are you, Rick? Fernando Rodney? Waste a pitch, dammit.

-4th career home run for the “Well Traveled” Wilson. It’s always the bad ones that get to him. Didn’t Langerhans get him earlier this season?

-Ichiro follows with a single. He bows to Miguel over there and says “Herro, Cablella-san”.

-Still only one out for Russell Branyon. I once knew a guy that called himself “Russell The Love Muscle”. But he wasn't as creepy looking as Branyon.

-Make it three straight hits as Branyon singles to right. First and second.

-Leyland looks pissed. He also looks like he's going to die any minute. Get some patches, Jim. They help.

-Jose Lopez, who Mario tells me leads the league in double play balls, is up. Rick Knapp comes out to call Porcello names.

-Lopez flies out to Guillen. Carlos not only catches it, but he doesn’t rip out his shoulder throwing it back to the infield. Good job. Two out.

-Ken Griffey Jr. is the M’s last hope this inning. Sadly for them, this isn’t 1991, and Griffey’s hitting .114 this year with 2 outs and RISP. Wow…I could do that.

-Griffey hit his first ever homer off of Tigers pitching great, Eric King. Which dinger was the one where he looked at Sparky Anderson and grabbed his crotch? Never liked Griffey after that.

-Junior draws a walk. Bases loaded. Uh oh.

-The Marlboro Man’s seen enough and is calling for Ryan Perry. It’s amazing how quickly Rick can go from unhittable to lost out there.

-By now, you all must be familiar with the Seay-Lyon from Roar of the Tigers. Perry is part of the lesser known tag team of the Ni-Ryan. I'm about as artistic as Clete is good at baseball, so email Samara about creating that beast. She's awesome at it.

-Perry gets Guitteriez to fly out and end the inning. Phew.


-Porcello and Washburn are shown together. Did Jarrod adopt this kid once he came over? They’re always together now in the dugout. Hopefully Washburn has a Kenny Rogers-like effect on the young guys.

-Granderson leads off. If he K’s again, something needs to be done.

-He strikes out for the third time. Quit looking for the home run pitch, CJ. I say they find him every time he hits a dinger. Get him swinging for the gaps again instead of for the seats. Better yet, those underprivelaged kids he loves so much? Have Andy Van Slyke stand at first with a gun to one of their heads. Curtis strikes out? Bye-bye. Um. I sense I may be alone on this one. Moving on...

-But Van Slyke's nuts. He'd do it if Leyland told him to.

-Polly want a single? I know I do. He’s 1-2 so far.

-Nope. Polanco grounds out to third. Two down.

-Guillen creaks his way up to the dish. He lines out to second. End of inning. Big surprise.


-Each team has one run on four hits as we start the seventh. Over on ESPN2, Cris Carter is talking crap about Brett Favre. I still can’t believe they’re playing this stupid baseball game with this earth-shattering Brittfar stuff going on.

-Poll Update: 74% are going with the Sizemore catch. For the first time ever, I am in agreement with Tiger texters.

-Bobby Seay is warming up as Perry strikes out Hannahan. One down.

-Speaking of Bobby Seay…here’s a little known fact about Jen from Old English D. She is a doodiehead. You heard me. A doodiehead. NOW…we are even. Mess with ME, will ya...

-Porcello and Perry are BFF’s, according to Rod. I’ll take his word for it. When has Rod ever been wrong?

-I wonder what Alex Aliva’s favorite reality show is? Can we get Rod on that one?

-Rob Johnson strikes out. That’s 10 combined K’s for Tigers pitching. Two down.

-Langerhans swings wildly at the first pitch. Perry’s looking damn good so far.

-Perry strikes out the side as he gets Langerhans looking. And the peasants rejoice. Bask in the glow of your future closer, people.


-4, 5, and 6th hitters due up. We really need to work some counts and/or do some damage. Either way, we need Hernandez out of this game.

-Is there any above average pitcher in the league that we can score more than 1 run against?

-Cabrera leads off and hits it to third. Hannahan knocks it down and throws him out.

-Aubrey Huff is up looking to end his Imation of Magglio Ordonez and do something productive. Huff lines one up the middle as I type that for a single.

-That brings up Michael Clete Thomas. Sean White’s up in the bullpen. YES, PLEASE! Go to the pen!

-Clete strikes out looking. Sigh. F-you, Leyland.

-We are in first place. With this offense. Think about that. How is that even possible?

-Two down for Inge, who quckly gets down 0-2. Next pitch, strike three. Is there a worse offensive team in baseball?


-Quiet…no one asked you.

-Yes…I’m talking to the voices in my head. Don’t judge me.

-Hernandez is only 23 years old. Jeez…


-Josh Wilson leads off with a single. Hernandez is getting congrats from teammates in the dugout, so hopefully, that prick is done for today.

-Leyland can’t believe that Perry was as dumb as Porcello to give up a hit to Wilson, so he yanks him. Cue Bobby Seay and his irritating chinstrap beard.

-While Bobby warms up, I flip back to ESPN2. Sure enough, it’s still all about Brittfar! They’re talking about if signing a 40 year old washed up grey bearded quarterback with only three weeks until the NFL season starts makes the Vikes the favorite to win the Super Bowl.

-F-you ESPN.


-Ichiro is the first guy Seay will face. He seems upset to see the right hander (that he calls “Lyan Pelly”) is out of the game. Sorry…it doesn’t get old!

-Ichiro leads the AL in intentional walks. Rod seems very surprised. But if you think about it, Ichiro is the only Mariner hitter that isn’t a piece of excrement. Of course people are going to walk him!

-I'm willing to bet that Ichiro is good at match, too. I believe I may be officially out of stereotypes, now.

-Double to right field…crap. Second and third, no outs. Branyon coming up. Cue the ominous music.

-Wow…replay shows that pitch from Seay was a foot inside and Ichiro hit it for a double. I don’t know if even Pujols could hit a pitch like that.

-3-0 on Branyon. Uh oh.

-Branyon swings for the fence and flies out to Clete. Both runners move up.

-2-1 Mariners.

-One out, runner on third, and they’re going to walk Lopez to pitch to Old Man Griffey.

-I was 11 years old when Griffey made his debut. Holy hell, that prick is old. And he still looks 24 years old! Well, in the face, he does. The rest of him is very Carlos Guillen-ish.

-Flyout by Griffey to center and Ichiro scores.

-3-1 M’s lead.

-Runner moved to second on the throw and Guiterriez is up with two down.

-They’re going to walk him to pitch to Hannahan. Why not?

-3-0 to Hannahan. Seay looks like crap today.

-White Sox lead KC 4-1 behind…Freddy Garcia? Really?

-Ball four. Bases loaded. I don’t feel well.

-Rob Johnson is up. Can’t believe Seattle isn’t pinch hitting Johjima or someone else here for Johnson.

-Flyout to right. We need runs.


-Blake texts me that he hates Bobby Seay. Blake hates the entire Tigers bullpen, except for Fernando Rodney. I generally like the Tigers bullpen...EXCEPT for Rodney. We might have to fight about this one day. But SOMEONE up and ran away to Connecticut...haw.

-I bet Connecticut people are excited about Favre coming back. White folks LOVE them some BRITTFARRRRR!

-Mark Lowe is the new pitcher. Thank you for the opportunity to come back, Seattle. Felix was tough today.

-Avila is first up and HA! Home run #3 for Alex! I can’t believe it.

-Screw it…PRAISE AVILA! I will join your bandwagon, Tiger fans! (EventhoughIstillthinkCletesucks.)

-Ramon Santiago will hit for Everett. Fine by me. Base hit to right! Taking Hernandez out…not wise, methinks.

-Speaking of which, no one is happier to see Felix gone than Granderson. 3 K’s so far.

-Granderson weakly pops up in foul territory. Does his knee hurt, too? Geez…

-Polonco up with one down. Double play ball to short…..MUFFED BY WILSON! So THAT’S why they got JACK Wilson! First and third, one out.

-Guillen up…THIS is why Cabrera should be third in the lineup. I don’t trust Carlos again just yet.

-If Carlos hits into a DP here, I’m going to kill a neighbor of mine at random. Just you watch. I will effing do it.

-Carlos works it to a 3-1 count. Cabrera on deck. Fans are on their feet. Ball four! Loaded for Miggy Smalls!

-Put the Ding Dongs away, Miguel! We’ve got a game to win!

-He pulls a Pedro Cerrano on the first breaking ball and misses by two feet. Sigh.

-Lowe is a moron and gives him a fastball down the middle….BASE HIT! Two runs score! Eff you, Felix Hernandez!

-4-3 Tigers lead!

-Thanks again for that error, Josh Wilson. Expect to be DFA’d any day now.

-Aubrey Huff is up and could really make a lot of new fans if he can knock in the runner on second. Mariners are going to the pen.

-While we’re at commercial, here’s a fun fact. If we hold on and win, Bobby Seay’s going to get the win. That is why wins as a pitching stat are the most overrated stat in baseball, despite what Joe Morgan will tell you.

-Raburn is running for Guillen at second. Sean White is the new M’s pitcher. As long as it isn’t Felix, I could care less.

-Huff launches one to the warning track in center. That’d be a homer in a lot of places. Welcome to Detroit, Aubrey.

-Raburn goes to third. Two outs, first and third, and…Clete is up.

-Cabrera is caught off of first….dammi…wait! Raburn breaks for home! Instead of tagging fatty Miguel, they throw home….SAFE! Raburn scores as the M’s make another stupid play in the field. And you all wanted him sent down in favor of Clete. Oh well…we all win. Bonine’s gone.

-5-3 Tigers!

-Clete flies out because he is terrible at baseball. Rodney’s coming in. Do a shot and come back for the ninth, kids!


-Raburn’s in left and Santiago’s at short. Rodney’s on the mound.

-Rod says Rodney’s been outstanding this year. I say that Rod is a meth addict. Neither of our statements are true.

-Ryan Langerhans leads off the ninth with a single to center. Uh oh.

-(Fills glass with vodka. Takes three big gulps.)

-Where was I?

-Wilson is up. He has a homer and the biggest error of his life today. 1.44 ERA for Rodney in save situations. 5.67 ERA in non save situations. Why? That’s what frustrates me about this guy. He has the ability!

-Wilson is out, thus bringing up Ichiro.

-“Felnando Lodney” gets ahead of Suzuki 0-2. He laces one up the middle for a single. First and third, one out. That’s four hits for Ichiro.

-Branyon’s up. Raburn’s heads up run is looking HUGE right now. Hopefully that makes up for his screw up on Sunday that everyone’s crucifying him for.

-Calm down, Clete. When I said "crucify", I wasn't talking about you. Yet.

-Ichiro steals second as Avila almost throws it into center field. Nice catch by Santiago. Second and third, one out. I need a paper bag to breathe into…

-Branyon strikes out! Two down for Lopez.

-A base hit ties the game. It also causes me to go on a violent killing spree, so let’s hope Fernando gets him here.

-The Royals have tied it! Eat that, Freddy Garcia.

-Griffey’s on deck. Mario says we don’t want to face him. Why not? Does he have a time machine with him? Griffey is terrible! Mario…I love ya, but you are a frickin’ moron sometimes. (FSD…please bring back Josh and Gibby. The D-Backs will be firing all their coaches soon, anyways.)

-Lopez works the count full. Crowd is chanting Rodney’s name. They never did that for Todd Jones. Well, they did. But they were all carrying torches and pitchforks.

-25 pitches for Rodney this inning so far. I hate him more than I hate AIDS in children.

-Foul ball again.

-Another foul.


-Tigers win, 5-3!

-The Tigers are 55-0 when leading after eight innings, Mario tells me. No kidding.

-Fun game that Seattle should have won. If you’re going to make the playoffs, though, you have to steal some games. Great job, guys.

-Thanks for reading, kids. Seeya next time.