Accident / A week at the Gym / The Magical Tree ...

Hi Folks, ( I think you'll need the coffee for this blog today )...


A truck was travelling down the highway at around 1 o'clock in the morning near Tulsa , Oklahoma . A Motorcyclist was travelling at 120mph and ran into the back of the moving semi-truck... Truck driver said he felt the impact, and it took almost a 1/4 mile for him to pull over. This is what he found - Believe it or not the motor-cyclist actually lived ! For goodness sake - wear your helmet......





A Woman's Week at the Gym .........
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the localhealth club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decidedit would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herselfAs a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh*t too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine—which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn bar bells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, l like the drama coach or the choir director

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little sh*t) will choose a gift for me that is fun—like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
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The Magical Tree ......
There was once a weary traveller who sat down to rest in the shade of a tree. He did not know that the tree he rested upon was a magic tree. It is called " The Wish-Granting Tree." Seated on the hard ground, he thought how pleasant it would be if he can sleep in a soft bed. Instantly, a bed appeared before him. Astonished, the man immediately climbed onto the bed. Then, he thought that it would be nice if there would be a beautiful young girl beside him who would massage his sore legs. At that moment, a young girl appeared before him and began massaging him. "I'm so hungry," the man said to himself. "Having something to eat now would be a great pleasure." Instantly, a table appeared with delicious foods. The man rejoiced and began eating and drinking to his heart's content. His head spun a little and his eyelids grew heavy as the wine took effect. He stretched himself and was thinking about the wonderful events that took place on that extraordinary day. "I'll sleep for an hour or two," he thought. "The worst that could happen would be if a tiger wandered by while I'm asleep." Instantly a tiger appeared and devoured the poor man. You have a magic tree inside you, waiting to grant your wishes. But be careful! The same tree can also make your negative thoughts and fears come true. At the very least it will be influenced by your negative thoughts, so that the good things you wish for do not happen. That's what worrying can do. I wish with all my heart that you live a life free of worry, negative thoughts and fear, in the shade and comfort of your personal Wish-Granting Tree
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Oops ... The 'gym' item reminds me that it has now been over a week since I have attempted to stand and ski/swing on my 'gym machine' - it looks like it is going to join my treadmill in the great big gym in the sky soon...... But don't tell Rob, he'll do his nut ! I'm sooo glad I picked up the machine at a car boot sale for £20 rather than pay the couple of hundred pounds it would have cost new in the store ....... ( That's it Kate, find some good in everything - ahem) !





Cheers from the land of the Tartan and the Heather, Love Kate xxx.