Friends / The Middle Wife /Subject of Wives / Excuses !


Of all the friends I've never met, You're the ones I won't forget, If I die before you do I'll go to Heaven and wait for you. I'll give the Angels back their wings and risk the loss of everything, just to prove my friendship's true... I'm just so thankful to have friends like you !

The 'Middle Wife' by an

Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them... If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday' 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along. Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

On the subject of Wives
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
'I've had bad luck with all three wives. The first two left me, and the third one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming with love.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Written by the students themselves
spelling included!
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
*Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
*Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre, dyrea, direathe, the shits.
*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
*Please excuse Ray on Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom......... Now 'that's funny' !!

Cheers from the land of the Tartan and the Heather, Love Kate xxx.