Toward



I've been away for a while now -- and I've been thinking about these jarring transition between solitude and company -- there isn't a fluid transition, it requires a jolt and a jump. I move from solitude to company and vice versa and there is the outward appearance of seamlessness, but it isn't actual or true.

I've also been thinking about this problem of defining facades and facets -- I think it may contribute to an unwelcome sclerosis.

So many untethered thoughts.

In Mr. Palomar's life there was a period when his rule was this: first, to construct in his mind a model, the most perfect, logical, geometrical model possible; second, to see if the model was suited to the practical situations observed in experience; third, to make the corrections necessary for model and reality to coincide.

The only way still open to him is self-knowledge; from now on he will draw the diagram of the moods of his spirit, he will derive from it formulas and theories, he will train his telescope on the orbits traced by the course of his life rather than on those of the constellations. 'We can know nothing about what is outside of us if we overlook ourselves,' he thinks now. 'The universe is the mirror in which we can contemplate only what we have learned to know in ourselves.'

--Italo Calvino - Mr. Palomar

I re-read these passages which I've traced before -- I listen to songs, think of people that I love and have loved, and I want somehow for there to be a collapse of all these things, and simultaneously, to be able to know them as distinct and important experiences. I place so much emphasis on the proper crafting of a story -- how many times have I spoken of a proper 'likely story'? How many times have I spoken of narratives and fictions and necessary illusions? What am I trying to tell myself with these incessant questions?

I can't speak of this now -- it becomes too personal with every sentence I type out, too revealing, and I've taken up a shadowy mantle with which I will hide myself, retain some privacy. But there are so many questions, so many problems, and such a deep, deep craving for conversation and dialogue.