Merry-go-round

amelie-of-montmartre-6

(Amelie)

It's the season for parties, and I've danced, nibbled, and sipped with the best of them. Tonight is for gift-finding, tomorrow for parties and family, and I'm hoping to have Sunday free.

The Christmas cards (hand-sewn this year, thankyouverymuch!), the wrapping (scraps of paper collaged onto brown paper), and the seasonal movies (A Man For All Seasons and The Lion in Winter) will all be attempted on Sunday.

And in the meantime, what better time of year to reflect on oneself? I have kept, over the years, a number of journals (paper and electronic), and I am quite often amused and/or saddened by what I read.

I found this entry on my old LiveJournal; it captures the spirit of my hamster-wheel thoughts a few years ago:

I've been thinking a lot about the necessary incorporation of imperfection into our ideas of beauty and love...that was what my thoughts on Ruskin were about. But Rousseau says something that seems very different. His image of true love is basically an adoration of the illusions of perfection. True love is the fastidious maintenance of chimeras.

Is that true? Reality means intimacy, intimacy means revealing flaws...and thats where my questions about inperfection enter. And I think that's why I love Rousseau...perhaps erroneously...because he seems to say that it is possible, no, necessary, to maintain the illusory veil of love. That love will naturally and inherently obscure imperfection from the eyes of the beholder.But how does one do that, how does one maintain the veil? or is it up to the beloved to maintain the illusion for the lover?

I'm tired of corrupting the people I encounter with my imperfections and my darkness. I'd rather co-mingle darknesses than try to bring in the light. I guess I'm looking for a companion in solitude (is that possible?) But someone to make the darkness at least a bit more acute...so its not that muffling, shroud-like, numb darkness, but the kind of darkness that splinters and shatters and breathes and wails. A rainbow of darkness...I feel like I've said that before.

I was very devoted to Rousseau for a couple of months, he seemed to me to believe that the attainment of serenity and nobility was actually possible in life.

I hope everyone is having a joyous holiday season!